Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Can I be nice JUST this once?

This is about my ex.  I try not to think about him, but no matter where I go or what I do he'll be a part of my life.  Because we share two very important people.  Our children.

I'm not really disappointed in you so much as I am in myself.   It infuriates me that you still know what buttons to press to make me feel bad.  You say to me "Can't you just be nice this once" because something that affects us both doesn't benefit you... 

Why am I always made to be the bad guy?  What do I do, exactly that isn't nice?  I don't hound you about certain things.  I don't incessantly complain.  I don't go out of my way to make things difficult for you.

I think you only want me to feel bad because that is the only way you can manipulate me anymore.

The last few years I thought we had come to a mutual understanding.  Our last significant argument I can remember was back in 2009.  We went to court this fall and even though it wasn't for anything "fun" we chatted the entire wait and you walked me half way to my car when it was over.  I thought we had a pleasant conversation about the kids and all that.  

I try to be nice to you.  I respect you as a father and I still love your family as if they were my own.  I never ask you for anything.  I don't expect your help.  I'm willing to sacrifice my time so you can have more.  I refrain from complaint (well I guess right now I'm not).  I refrain most of the time. 

If anything- I think I go out of my way to be a "good" ex... as far as ex's can be.  By all means, I'm not perfect.  I've made my post divorce mistakes.  But- so have you... as far as that stuff goes.  I do, honestly, try to be good as I can toward you. 

The point is, when it comes to things like our yearly taxes, I'm doing what I think is the right thing.  I'm following the rules set before me.  Sometimes what you've "always" done isn't the right thing.

I can't go back and forth with you every year when it comes to taxes because of the child tax credit.  You have the same papers I have.  They are very clear of what each of us has to do. 

The point is... I shouldn't be made to feel inferior because of your decisions.  I'm not vindictive just because the choices I've made aren't the same as you.  I'm not a mean person because I disagree with you.  I do not think I'm better than anyone.  I'm definitely better than I used to be, though.

I have my perceived assumptions about you, but I honestly don't know the first thing about your situation. I'm sorry if it's not a good as you wish it were.  I'm sorry if you think it's not better than mine.  I'm sorry if you really are having a hard time. 

Just because I follow the rules does not make me "mean."  Just because my current situation happens to appear better than your situation doesn't make me a bad person.  So I can't let you make me feel like a substandard person.  You can't have that control over me.