Spaghetti's Running Out

Fantastic newssss!!!

2011-11-14T11:54:00.003-05:00

Woot. I got a job offer. And it's not window lickin! I'm so excited! I could just spit sparkles.

Of course it does come with a price. My time. And my babies time. Namely Ro Ro's time away from me (the other kids are in school all day so they won't miss me). I'm kind of torn between this. It makes me sad, but it was bound to happen soon (although I've been looking for freaking ever)- as that comes when you're job hunting.

Anyway I know a full time job will be worth it in the long run. It will help all the kids and the family. I will feel productive again, have adult conversations, and work hard!

I never had a problem with the older kids and going to work. Maybe it's because Rowan is my last baby. I want to hang onto his babyhood for as long as I can. I guess one of us has to grow up eventually.... I suppose that is good, right? Being responsible and all that.

Anyway I'm very sadly happy. ...and that is a good thing. :)

UGH Scarrrry!

2011-09-27T14:30:00.004-04:00

Oh mi gosh. A tick or something just jumped on me. I think I almost passed out. No way- I couldn't faint knowing something might be sucking my blood. So I wadded it in a tissue; I was thoughtful enough to grab a new one. I know from experience those things don't just die like a spider or any normal bug. I swear I smooshed that thing like there's no tomorrow.

Here's the catch 22- I want to keep it for bugmaster Kirby to identify (in case it isn't a tick or some bloodsucker and I can rest easy).... so I opened the tissue to see if it was thoroughly dead- that sucker jumped out!!! So I'm wiping my shirt off and then checking my hands to make sure it's not touching my skin. Then I'm on my hands and knees searching the carpet trying to be a big girl cuz you know I will freak out if I can't find it and secure it.

I can't have it LIVING where there is a chance it might get my baby- or worse- ME. I know my neighbor is an advocate for throwing boxes on bugs, but I want assurance it won't escape. Normally I put a cup over it and a book or few on the cup.... but with the baby getting into stuff NO WAY.

So thankfully I recaptured the nasty little thing and put it in a jar. I put alcohol on it and it drowned. It occurred to me that is an awful way to die. Plus I wasn't sure if it would be identifiable. So I fished it out with a q-tip... When I looked at it a minute ago it was CRAWLING! I tell you- those things do not die!! That lid is screwed on tight, but now I'm all itchy all over.

Adult Truths

2011-09-26T21:40:00.005-04:00

Okay... I stole this from someone on face book who stole it from someone else. It made me chuckle and just about every line is friggin true! :)

23 ADULT TRUTHS ******
1 Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning square roots really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with a shot of Jagermeister than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong,!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important !
:))

Worth

2011-09-26T10:55:00.003-04:00

Why is it we, in the modern society, place so much emphasis and self worth on what we do? Why are jobs so important in fulfilling our lives? I'm not talking the obvious monetary benefits. There are no longer visible ladders in society preventing those of lower stations from mingling with those of higher stations, but we still look down our noses at those that aren't as "good" as we are. Why?

I was having a conversation with someone the other day on face book and we were discussing AMC which was taken off the air. One of the ladies commented she didn't know what that it was and after a brief explanation she said something to the effects of "wow really? I don't see day time tv, i have a job..." Wow really? You think you're better than us because you work during the day?

How many other people have this same mentality? What is the purpose of demeaning people? What benefit is there to it? So you can feel better about yourself? How many people in this world are lonely because of off-hand comments like that? And the most important question- how many times have I belittled someone like that because I was ignorant?

Feeling Nostalgic

2011-09-25T22:13:00.003-04:00

Today is September 25th. Little known fact that not many people may know... It is usually rainy on this day. Okay- it's rainy where I am. Obviously the entire world isn't going to be cloaked in droopy clouds. So today was no exception for me. It's only a fleeting thought and if I could erase it out of my memory I would. I wish I could just shove all the painful parts of my life away into a vault.

I was driving down this road that I often take and it occurred to me that several years ago (I'm talking just under 10 years) I went to a candle party, or Mary Kay, or something. I don't really remember, but I know it was on that road. As I was driving I was trying to remember which side it was on and if I would recognize the house. I thought of the little game we played and one of the questions was if you had dirty dishes in the sink. I did so I lost that one. -WHY in the world do I remember that random memory? Why not what kind of party it was? I mean what is the point of my mind for keeping it?

It's weird you would think that we (humans) would have control over the memories we keep. But I guess I'll just have to wait until the next random one surfaces. I hope it's a good one.

Sitting in the Chevy Feeling Kind of Heavy

2011-08-09T16:21:00.002-04:00

That.... is the picture I was taking of Rowan. He was reaching for my camera. So those of you that know me IRL and wonder why there are never any new photos.... that is why. He also thinks my phone is the best toy.

Anyway it seems that blogging has taken a wayside of my life- as it usually does. Seems it comes in waves and typically only during the tsunami- like ones. The waves of life that want to take over until I'm about to burst.

I would like to blog a few times a week, but I always sit down, open it, and nothing comes out. I guess I need drama in my life for word vomit. Of course those also make the best blogs. That and when I get my ah-ha moments. You know the ones, when life throws something so profound it changes your perspective.

Kind of like the sermon I heard a few weeks ago. What comes out of your mouth is a window to what your heart is. I have been acutely aware of all the negative things that pour out when I speak. The selfishness inside me, too. Very thought provoking. I want my heart as pure and white as snow. So I have to change the way I think.

Like it used to be when people cut me off when I'm driving I'd tell myself that maybe they have diarrhea. I know- ridiculous, but it helped put my grumbling in perspective because maybe they DID have diarrhea and I've had diarrhea while driving and it's NO fun wondering if you're going to burst in your seat or not.

Recently I kind of stopped with that excuse and started my growling in my throat again. There is a lot going on with me as I drive- such as the construction on my road slows me to a halt. Wouldn't be terrible, but I'm pouring sweat because the a/c in my car is broken. Most of the time that is remedied by rolling down the window, but I can't because my window doesn't go down. So the air-flow from the passenger side is the only air I get in this high degree heat advisory weather. The hotter I get the wetter I get, the more my hair frizzes, etc., etc. I start to feel like Dr. Horrible's "evil moisture buddy" Moist. The most badass I can get is making people feel like they need a shower... and usually it's me in the end that needs a good rinse off.

So anyway I guess I need to put things back into perspective to clear the conscious of my heart. I need to go back to thinking the drivers may have diarrhea. Nothing wore that sitting in construction feeling kind of heavy. I'm sure that would be even worse than bringing a dish towel to wipe the sweat as you sit patiently as another jerkface butts in front of you.

VOTE

2011-07-26T12:45:00.001-04:00

I know this isn't a typical blog.... but please vote for Rowan! I think it would be really awesome if he won.

Rowan

Wedding Bellz

2011-07-06T21:36:00.002-04:00

So... if you have a family member, like say an uncle that recently got married, and he invites most of the family and you're on the side that did NOT get an invitation what would you do? I'm not estranged to this family member. I mean we're not the closest, but I thought the last couple years we have been building a good relationship. We don't have any unusual animosity that would be cause for concern in the family (that I know of).

Okay I shouldn't have been surprised not to get invited because when I originally asked about the dates and if we would need to make arrangements to get time off of work or whatever my question was pretty much avoided.

He told me it was going to be very small. It wasn't until I started hearing from certain family members they got invitations and did I get mine? Um no. So I waited a couple of weeks before asking other members. I'm not the only family member to be left out. There was one sister invited, but not the other 2. 1 didn't really care. She said "it's his wedding and he can have it whatever way he wants on his day." Good point. So I have been trying really hard to keep that perspective. Obviously I'm failing because my feelings are hurt anyway. The other sister also had hurt feelings.

So to make things worse (I have a knack for that) I confided in one of my aunts and she must have said something to him because he emailed me an invitation, BUT in an attempt to keep up with what I perceive as my uncle's wishes I declined. I don't want to invite myself to something I'm not invited to. That is rude and obviously I wasn't wanted to begin with. He told me he thought I had my children and couldn't make the trip and that is why my invitation was an over site. As for the other cousin who had hurt feelings- he didn't know her address. We are all on facebook together so I know there could easily have been some communications to avoid these hurt feelings.

I'm trying to keep my oldest cousin's advice, but I planned a wedding once. I know how hectic that can be. Maybe it's because of my previous planning experience that I don't exactly buy these excuses. It's the principle. I don't think you should invite one sister and not the other. Or certain family members in the same vicinity and not all.

I've been told the wedding was very small and no big deal, but why invite part of the family and not all of the family? There is a reason I'm not as close to some family members as the cousin that DID get invited. Because I'm never there. I can't even have an opportunity to remedy the situation. I WANT to be closer to my family. After all, blood is thicker than water, right? I would like to see my other family (his son and fiance- I never even met her and they've been together for YEARS). I talk to my uncle A LOT on facebook so I'm no stranger and I'm having trouble getting past my hurt feelings.

Roofing In The Rain

2011-05-26T20:56:00.004-04:00

Today was Gwyneth's 3rd grade special thingie at her school. Gavin's was last week. I love how they are both so talented and that we get to do special things like that. Even if I am sitting for 2 hours on a rock hard bench so I can hear Gavin play for 5 minutes or that the lady in the purple shirt moved every time I did blocking my view of Gwyneth. Yeah... lady- Rowan is going practicing how to throw stuff. See how long she sits in front of me again. Oh I would never do that!! would I?

I think it is so neat seeing the young lady that my daughter is turning into. I'm so glad I can be a part of my children's lives. I keep thinking I should do something special for Josh to make him feel special.... but what? I thought about looking up an origami thingie and making him something. I think he would like that.

So we've been getting our roof done for about a week and a half now. I thought the job was only to take a couple of days... When it went on 3 days I thought they would be finishing up... but no. Apparently they don't work Saturdays, either. SOOOO this week it has been rainy, rainy, rainy. and guess what happens to roofs that are half way done when it rains a lot? I think we may be getting a little bit of new insulation, some dry wall, and a few ceilings re-painted. The big bossman came yesterday. He wasn't a very happy camper with our house, but with the storms (it was like hail and tornado siren storms all day) it is a little understandable something like this might have happened. I'm just upset they quoted us "a couple of days" because if it had been done in a "couple of days" then this wouldn't have happened!

So I asked the foreman (or one of the bossmen) about why it was taking so long. They had 3 mostly non-rainy days last week and Saturday was spectacular (well I was sick in the bathroom all day, but from what I hear it was perfect roofing weather- and perfect enjoy your life weather if you're not sick), but they don't work Saturdays, probably because it was going to be the end of the world.

He told me it was his fault. His men started our house before they were finished with another and the other one took a little longer to finish than they anticipated. He also said that he had some medical appointments so he wasn't exactly around to do a lot of the work right away... So basically the job was started before he was ready. I told him I understood the rain had been delaying a lot of projects like this (it has been incredibly wet this season) and we wouldn't have minded delaying another week. But anyway what is done is done and now we just need to move forward and finish the job.

Is it weird that I feel bad for them though? I mean they ARE going to take care of us, but there were several neighbors asking about them, but with this mess and taking so long (despite the rain) I hope it doesn't mess up their reputation. I think the guys really are working hard... just need to be on top of things. Now that the big bosses are out I'm sure it'll get finished lickity-split, I just feel bad because our house is like their lemon.

Anyway that is my rant for now and the lesson I have learned is I'm glad I'm not a roofer.

The Dust Has Settled

2011-05-22T21:31:00.002-04:00

Okay I know it's been a while since you all got to be enthralled by my wonderful blogging and the blogginess it brings to your life. Well things have been slow and busy at the same time! I recall starting some projects before I had my daughter and they got left by the way side once she was born. Amazing how those things just take up your entire life. So there it is, another baby sucking any time I have and leaving me exhausted by ends day. Oh and I'm sure the kids I have been babysitting don't leave me deprived of energy either.

So I had a birthday this weekend. I officially moved up an age bracket. I think that may be part of the whole "energy" problem. My bones aren't creaking though so that is good. Except frankenankle, but he hardly counts.

I was so sick this weekend and had NO energy. Yuck. Kirby is the best husband ever! He planned to take me to a day spa and then dinner with my girlfriends. Normally I might have cried out of guilt for being sick, but I was too sick to even do that. What a sweetheart I snagged, tho! He went out of his way tonight to get me some chicken noodle soup. Because an upset stomach with tomato soup or french onion soup (my choices) I don't think would do. I'm feeling loads better tho! Just some headaches from not eating... which apparently my head didn't talk to the stomach to find out why nothing was going IN so it is being very unsympathetic to my situation. It should be happier since I gobbled that soup. Which by the way- I think was the tastiest chicken noodle soup I have ever eaten in my entire life!!!

Okay and for those of you that only follow me for the Rowan... He is pulling himself up! I'm amazed at how fast he has grown and I wish he would slow down. Just last year I was plump with baby and now I'm 15lbs short of my pre-pregnancy weight (which that can come a BIT faster if it wants- but no more stomach ailments!) and it amazes me how fast a year really does go by!

This year I will be an official mom of a teenager and I'm not ready. I wish I could go tuck Gavin in like I do his sister. I kinda like seeing him grow up, but I miss him being little, too!

Me-isms

2011-05-10T20:52:00.003-04:00

You know that my life is finally coming back on track when I do something that is totally me. SOoo.. I had a paper cut and I put that new skin stuff on it because where it was in my finger it kept like opening up. Not very feeling good. The new skin stuff kept coming off and making it open up more. So the little light bulb went off on top of my head and I got Kirby's super glue.

Lets just say that it was a good thing that 2 of the older kids were around because I had Rowan plus his 3 1/2 month old girlfriend over. I was babysitting the other baby if I need to elaborate.

Anyway get this: I glued a fork to my thumb. Precisely the prongs were glued to my thumb because that is how I picked it up.

I got the acetone to get it off, but it wasn't budging! So I had Gwyn holding one baby, the other was pacified for the moment in the rocker seat, and I made Gavin google how to get super glue off. He didn't find anything I didn't already know.

Apparently you have to be patient when getting fingers off of stuff. The funny thing is the thumb that was super glued to the fork was the same thumb that was holding the bottle so I have NO IDEA how in this green earth I got glue on THAT thumb.

Anyway that was a while ago. I found the fork because it had my skin on it. I don't know where it is now... I hope it didn't get put away.

Good News: I am human

2011-04-15T21:42:00.002-04:00

So have you ever been tempted to do something you know you shouldn't? Something that you know if you do it's only going to hurt you. But it's so tempting and you're so curious!! So what do you do?

Well if you're human you're going to do it anyway despite the fact you know it's going to hurt you. The good news is I don't think there is any doubt I'm human now. The bad news is I still do idiotic things.

So the other day I was talking to this lady on face book- specifically I asked her for her address because I'm having a thing for business and wanted to send her an invite. To be honest I didn't really know who she was. We had mutual friends from a previous job. I'm so terrible with names, especially at that place, so I assumed she worked there and I just didn't remember her. It was obvious she knew me, though. She was like "I live in X state so I don't know if you would still want me to come" I ask her when she moved. She was like I didn't. What?!

Turns out she didn't work there. She is some random customer and I don't even know how she knows me because I didn't even recognize her company. She certainly wasn't my customer. So yeah, I think I'll be removing her off of my friends list. Normally I don't accept people I don't know so WHY did I add her to start with? Who knows?

Who knows how my mind works? I bet Kirby asks himself that every day.

toxic

2011-04-14T12:23:00.003-04:00

So I went searching for my skeletons with matches in hand. I wonder if skeletons can burn? I didn't come up with any. They must really be hiding because I'm sure they're there. I am most definitely the least perfect person on this Earth.

I pulled out Pandora's box to see what I could find. I have my memories, but surely I have hard evidence. Memories are deceitful. They exaggerate, but letters, markings, and things carved to last. They do not lie. A volcano may disguise itself as a strong mountain, but trails of lava never disappear.

I did, however, come to a realization. About what I thought I once had. I know- I made a ton of blogs on love and what I thought it was, what I learned. Love is such a gray object. It can be interpreted so many different ways and there are so many different kinds and levels. It's like candy. There is no perfect kind of candy, but there is better candy. There is also your favorite candy. You can't have two favorites. One is the rare stuff you savor and make it last as much as possible. Then there is the kind that you always have around and can easily be forgotten. I am the regular favorite. The one that is always there, not being significant.

What else am I going to do? I'm not the one that got away. I'm the one you put on your grocery list and I'm the one you don't get as upset when the kids steel me when you're not looking.

The great love my heart shared... well it was all for not. My love looks like amateur wrestling. No matter what great of a show I put on it was still never going to be real. So when I did find something that was real I'm like the new guy stumbling around. I get some good shots in, but in the end I'm submitted.

You ever get the feeling you like someone more than they like you? Or they are keeping a deep secret from you because they know it'll hurt you? I'm tired of that feeling. I'm tired of the daily reminder that I will never compare. I'm tired of being 2nd place. I joke that 2 is a bigger number, but we all know 2nd is still not first.

When I think of his love and all that I do know about it, it's so intoxicating that I'm almost intoxicated, too. I almost have a notion to push them back together. They were so good together back in their day. The deserved and needed each other. They weren't living until they discovered that love. When you have had a love like that it's no wonder no one could capture your heart. You already gave it away! It makes me drunk thinking of the wreckless carefree love I could never have. The love I desire, but will never get. The love I know you spent years trying to get back. The woman that you said was your soul mate and the words weren't empty when they were uttered. They were hammered into your soul as well as hers. That love was toxic and real. My love was safe guarded and sucked out of me.

Is it better to have loved and lost than not loved at all?

Ink

2011-04-13T14:02:00.004-04:00

Although the paper fades, the ink does not.
It's embedded forever with the ball point pen.
Some day the paper will disintegrate,
but the words are etched for ever.

You know archaeologists have found tattoos on prehistoric men and women? Marks of war, love, famine, and fortune proclaim on mummified bodies telling a tale of their lives- hundreds even thousands of years later.

If you have professed your love from the innermost depths of your soul is there room to love another? Where does that room come from? Is the love tainted?
If you gave your heart to someone then how can you give it away again?
If you gave your heart to someone and they broke it wouldn't they still have the pieces anyway?
If your heart was thrown away how do you know where to look for it? How do you know when they threw it away? What if they still have the pieces and plan on fixing them some day?
Can you even ever really get your heart back once you give it to someone?

If it's etched on a note and was once carved into your soul, and another soul- a covenant made that your heart, life, or possibly even your soul itself belongs to someone then how can you possibly give make that same promise again?

Your are not born with two hearts, no one has ever heard of two soul mates. You can't declare one thing for two people. What's done is done. They came in 2nd place. They are 2nd best.

So why commit your life to someone that could never grasp even a fragment of your heart? Why try to love if you know you can never fully give yourself to that person? It would be an empty offer. A mendacious heart. A lying heart. A heart that will never truly ever be touched, not even with the most delicate sliver of your own heart.

How can you just turn off your adulation and the promise you made them and yourself in a moment? Does it ever go away? If you meet someone else do you just bury it only to take it out again when they don't compare? When things go wrong will that first love always linger? How can you love with all your heart if someone always has a piece of it?

What about "the one that got away" and where do I fit in?

But what is this, my own skeletons? I would burn them all if only I knew where to look. I despise every little reminder of something that I thought once was. It is like I lived a lie.

I was blinded and bound; I didn't know any better. All I needed was to have the blinds removed so I could see. I was going through the motions living with the decisions I made. I hid in a shield of false happiness to hide away how I really felt. I didn't think I was even human until my heart was broken. I never gave it away. I always held onto it and the pieces cut deep into me. For every time I was able to embrace a piece of happiness it was taken away from me. I don't even know where I fit into this world.

My Bestie

2011-04-11T22:19:00.003-04:00

For some reason lately I keep thinking of that time back in winter/spring of 2009. I thought my life was perfect. There wasn't a thing that I would have done to change it. But like all things I got ants in my pants and changed it up.

Of course there has been lots of changes. Like my job (or lack there of), my new baby, me, me, me. Yeah I get tired thinking about me all the time. I guess if I had some friends to occupy my mind I wouldn't have to. I mean I have lots of friends, but I really miss the bonding you do when you're working with them. You know what I mean- the group of you that can get along, even that token annoying person, because you have that one common thing. Work. I like work.

I really am enjoying my time home with Rowan and all that. I love writing in my book, moving rooms, and going to lunch with my Mom every Friday... but I went to a little party thing and of course most of the people I knew because I used to work there. I know this is silly because if I did work there I'd probably be all "I wish I could quit" but I really wish I could be accepted. The money is nice, but it's the people is why I'd be crazy enough to go back.

I just don't have that bond with any of my girlfriends anymore (or anyone hence the missing working at that place). You know, that kindred spirit kind of bond like in Anne of Green Gables. I don't really have a bff (bff's are for fools). Okay I only said that because I'm jealous. I'm like the only girl in the world that doesn't talk about my "bestie" or write our names in a heart with an arrow- oh wait that last one was for lovers. I suppose I could do that with Kirby.

I'll be blunt. It really sucks I don't have a bestie of all my own that I can actually talk to and stuff. Maybe I should send letters to all my girlfriends and have them check the bff box to find one that way.

It's probably good that I'm already married. If I were to plan a wedding I wouldn't have a maid of honor. How sad is that?? You know what's sad? I have never been in a wedding (besides my own and that doesn't count... or my mom's when I was like 12 or something).

Okay I'm done sulking for now I guess I'll go do something productive. Like facebook.

disappointed

2011-04-05T21:43:00.002-04:00

I know that I need to blog more, but I guess being a new mother you just never have time... and it also helped before when I could do it from my phone and I did it when I couldn't sleep. I no longer have a "smart" phone. My phone isn't dumb by any means, but it doesn't know any better.

Anyway my house has been topsy turvy because we have officially moved Rowan out of our room. That doesn't sound like much of a project considering the largest thing of his is only a crib... but when it means moving the older boys into the loft, Gwyneth into their old room, him in her old room, and then we decide (as if we're not crazy enough) to get a new bedroom suite and redo OUR room. Oh did I mention we have to find homes for everything that was in the loft? So I'll be participating this year in the garage sale our edition does every year. See ya there!

I have been writing a lot the last couple weeks before this project showed it's ugly head. I think it might actually turn out pretty okay. I guess we'll have to see once I'm done. I do it when Rowan is napping so it's going a lot slower than I anticipated. Maybe I'll actually publish it and make some money. I think the important thing is that I do it because I want to, not because I have to.

I really need to find something to do with myself to make myself feel productive. I haven't worked since Frankenankle. Well I have, but not much. I feel like I'm foundering out there. Good think Kirby can help us while I'm flopping around on the ground. Cuz if we were both fish out of water I think we'd both be in trouble.

Well I really have a lot to say, but no time right now. I'm going to play
Dominion. Maybe I can be successful there. It is a friggin awesome game if you have never played. Never mind we are not going to play. poop. I guess we'll just sit in front of the boob tube for an hour.

Wasting away... (the real blog)

2011-03-03T20:54:00.001-05:00

Have you ever felt you needed to say or explain something to another person and just no matter how much time, thought, or effort put anything into it?? Well I have been doing that for the last few days. I think I'm finally at a point I can relax. I'm in the clear and the issues are going to resolve themselves with out my butting in. I just hope my butting in didn't bother them too much. I don't know what's wrong with me- why I do that!!

Ugh I feel like I'm wasting my life. Like I'm sitting here waiting for something to happen and nothing is happening. Maybe I should get off of the computer. hardy harr harr

I wish I could cut myself away from the worldly things that don't matter and focus on the things that do. In turn I will become the one making things happen and creating something worthwhile. My mind is like a buzzz. what??

I didn't even like that last blog I wrote. It's like I was just filling air. Now that I got it out of the way I can write a real blog. I do that sometimes when I pray. I ramble on and on and pray for this and that and say "amen" then I'm like you know what God, that really sucked and I'm a bad prayer and then I really talk to Him.

I don't know why I'm like that. I guess I get excited to make something and get it out now and fast that I can't truly relax and do what I need to do until I'm done. Like lets see results!! Must be all that factory work I did. push push push and let someone else make sure you're making good quality crap. Only on here it's up to me to be sure it's good quality crap.

The Spaghetti's

2011-03-03T19:57:00.003-05:00

I think he has my smile... My mom always told me I had my dad's smile, so therefore he's got my dad's smile. Cute. He is one smart little baby. He was so fussy and cranky and crying I went to get his jammies to put him to bed early. So after I got his jammies on I stand him up and he starts squealing. He laughs and squeals and has a good ole time for the next 45 minutes. Smart boy. He knew what was coming if he didn't behave.

So I was just thinking I wonder if you can ever really truly get drama out of your head. I mean it seems like my life is sometimes a soap opera. Well only in my head. Cuz the outside is normal and I think if someone were to watch me like the Truman Show they would be very bored.

I spent and hour and a half today cleaning carpets. Exciting edge of your seat stuff! I'm afraid "The Spaghetti's" would get canceled before the first season finished. That is because I can't afford those fancy writer that had the strike a few years ago.

I almost said the writers that stroked (and I know this is mean), but I pictured a bunch of elderly people out on the lawn with their pickets stroking and twitching. I never said my writing wasn't callous at points. "The Spaghetti's" -boring and offensive.

I learned something this week. If you bring your drink in the living room when you know you shouldn't and you spill it- it is much easier to clean if half of it isn't under the couch. I also learned about the real Dracula. He was a psychopath, I think. A royal psychopath. You know that he found a way to take care of the poor and sick? He invited all of them for a big dinner at his castle- and then locked them in and set the room on fire! He also impaled thousands of people (women and children included) and left them up on steaks for over 3 months to scare the Turkish army.

Also- I wanted to clear part of Garry's name. My dear old kitty. I miss him so much. A few weeks ago we stumbled upon cat puke in the kitchen. I know it wasn't Garry's ghost haunting me. Garry loved me. It was Millers. Millie the bad kitty who pukes in private and blames it on Garry!!

Butt Out

2011-03-03T07:35:00.004-05:00

Why don't people tell me to butt out of things that aren't my business. Why can't I be wise enough to know that I need to back away?

Okay so I'm interfering on grounds that I have no right to. I think that perhaps I am too sympathetic. I feel too sorry so I want to help. I want to show that there is hope. But I'm making it worse. So I'm done. I'm done "helping" and I'm done being a part of something I shouldn't have made myself a part of. I'm done spending my time fretting and consumed by something I have no control of. I'm done making things worse.

We'll only see, right?

florescent lights flicker

2011-02-28T20:49:00.004-05:00

Have you ever thought of someone in a certain light only to have the bulb replaced? That happened to me today and I can't stop thinking about it. How many people in my life have I been looking at under the wrong bulb?

I'd been fancying myself on how much I've matured in the last 4 years, but then something happens that shows my immaturity like a raw carpet burn. I wonder if I'm ever going to truly grow up! I'd been past hurting people. It ain't my thang!! I think for the past few years that I have been very good at not gossiping, bashing, or otherwise degrading another person. The drama llama has stalked out of my life because I was starving it.

Before you open your big mouth- My ex and I are a work in progress and you have to admit we have come a long way since my blogging drama!!

Anyway this is not about my ex. This is about a woman that I have always wished I had a small bond with and could never figure out why we couldn't connect. I honestly thought she hated my guts. I come to find now that may not necessarily be the case. I'm so confused!

She is someone that for the last 2 years I wanted to apologize for being so ignorant and stupid around her the one and only time we met like 15 years ago. She never knew it, but she has always meant a lot to me, deep down. I always felt bad I hurt her feelings and wanted to make amends- or at least get "my side" heard.

What makes her so special is she is the wife of someone I had considered at one point one of my best friends (I know I must go through them like I go through fingernail polish. That is if I wore much fingernail polish). I've always thought of her like the saying "any friend of yours is a friend of mine" kind of thing. She was important to him, so therefore she was also important to me.

So anyway I only want to help my friends and I'm afraid whatever I say or do is not going to be of any help. Some things people just have to work on their own.

Isn't it amazing how one decision someone makes can affect so many people? How a word can make or destroy a person?? I hope she can forgive me.

Spittle

2011-02-16T08:31:00.003-05:00

Went for a drive yesterday and like clockwork as soon as I put Rowan in his car seat he spit up. He can go all day with no spittles and as soon as he sits in that seat- thar he blows!

I always put on a "riding bib" when we go, but yesterday he was like a little geyser. You just never know when he's gonna go. I ended up changing his clothes entirely before we left and got a new bib. I tucked 2 spit rigs around him in hopes of saving the outfit for our destination.

So it was quite warm in my car with the sun and the "heatwave" outside, I took off his blanket. I figure if I was hot enough to not wear a coat while driving I bet he'd get hot back there. He didn't care and by time I reached where we were going he had thrown each spit rag aside, his bib askew, spit a couple more times, took his sock off and had eaten that to a nice soggy thing and thrown it aside, too. All in all- it was a good drive for him. He was a happy boy.

What's up Februrarians?

2011-02-13T22:22:00.003-05:00

What's the big news? The weather reached like 46 today! Break out the bikini's, it's a heatwave! It's so funny how every other post on face book is the weather this and the weather that. It's like that any time anything interesting like weather happens.

There's still a foot or two of snow out there, but hey- it's melting. I hope it continues to melt so Rowan and I can go for walks in the stroller. I know he'll love going outside!!

My big news- Rowan's second tooth is poking through. He is such a cutie. He's finally at that state where he wants whatever you have. I would let him have my phone except I'm not sure what drool would do to it. I am going to clean off one of the old ones for him, I think. He'll fall for it for like 5 minutes. Babies are smart like that.

Today I learned Valentime cards are not where cards normally are. Because why would anyone look for holiday cards where the store keeps their regular cards?? Apparently people are now getting their cards in the grocery section. I always get cards when I go to pick up a gallon of milk. Milk always makes me think, "hey there's a holiday tomorrow and my child just informed me her class is having a party and she needs to send some cards out." Also Kleenexes remind me that I need to send my package out. I have had it since December for my niece. We threw some Valentime surprises in there... I know- I'm the worse package sender outer there is.

I also have Mother's Day cards for my mom for the past 2 years because I keep forgetting and she says "just give it to me next year." I haven't found any Father's Day cards so I'm kinda glad I remembered for once to give it to my dad this last year. At least I think so. I can't remember. I'd feel bad if I found it. I love my family to death and I'm sorry I'm the worst card sender outer there is.

In my defense half the time they forget my birthday. One of my aunts and I got into this huge argument about my birthday once. I had to pull out one of my mom's old birth announcements to prove to her what day it was. She said my driver's license was wrong. LOL. Good times. I think she was embarrassed because she did a video thing for my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary and it was announced on the thing to the entire everyone that was there. Oops.

Ps, I know I am spelling Valentime wrong. Gwyneth and I read the Junie B. Jones and the Mushy Gushy Valentime. I liked the way she said it wrong throughout the entire book. Because even though one of her friends tried to correct her she decided she liked her way of saying it better. :)

lazy technology

2011-02-11T11:10:00.004-05:00

Rowan is taking a ridiculously long nap. I'm sure now that I started a blog he'll wake up. I have been busy re-doing a very time consuming task I started yesterday. Turns out I put my hard work into the wrong web site.... Uploading photos from 2009 to present to print. Yeah... I know why have I waited so long to do this? Because I'm crazy. Actually I need some prints of my newborn to put in my house and maybe a few updated ones of the big kids. I wouldn't want anyone to come in here and think I'm stuck in 2008.

With today's technology looking at old pictures is as simple as just a click of a button. But I still like the old fashioned flipping through photo books. I have to actually buy them and put them together and then I also have a zillion scrap book projects I need to finish... Technology has really made us lazy. Or perhaps I'm the one that is lazy. I would prefer to think of myself as a procrastinator that never gets anything done.

Gwyneth was complaining about her chore of doing the dishes. I told her when I was a kid I had to wash them (brace yourself) by hand!! Blasphemy, right?! Soon she'll be asking me, "back in the olden days was T.V. invented?"

I am still very tired from the flu. I feel like I could possibly take a nap now, but I know that would be silly when Rowan is going to be waking up any moment. Well time to check my upload and see if I'm ready to move onto my "silly" pics of 2009.

Feblechuary

2011-02-08T20:09:00.002-05:00

Well... I haven't been around because I got the sickness. I am finally getting over it. Nothing like 102 fever for a week and feeling like I got hit by a semi-truck that forgot to stop at McDonalds to unload the sausages. Anyway I have been trying very hard not to share the love.

Poor Gwynnie came down with the stomach flu type thingie. She needs to freak out less (which is understandable, vomiting is my absolute LEAST favorite thing- even more so than ticks) and learn to RUN to make it to the toilet. Poor thing though. Now every stomach hurt she is running to the bathroom. I'm glad she got the concept, but now she needs to distinguish each different stomach ache and not be so paranoid...

So Rowan got this little pokey tooth in his mouth. Too cute! I seriously need to get a baby book for him... So this month hasn't started out the greatest, but I'm hoping it will end good.... I mean- that chipmunk thing said spring was going to start early- that is good news right?

I think if we get anymore snow I may have to invest in some ski's to check the mail. We have a drift that goes up over my patio chair seats in the back. The kids love it- cuz the forts are already half built- they just have to fortify them. If I were feeling more well I think I would go stomp around in it. I like the way snow crunches when you walk. I would like to sit Rowan in it to see what he does... Hmm if we start to feel well later this week maybe I'll have to...

I really missed my poor kitty when I was sick. Normally he would have been right there with me trying to help me feel better. I was under my electric blankie and I thought of him because when I took him to the vet the time before last he said Garry wasn't generating any of his own body heat and I had to warm him up. Poor thing. I really miss my old man cat. I keep getting kind of sad and wistful that Rowan won't know him like the rest of the family. He'll only know "garry's" as vomit piles and not for the cat that was known to make them everywhere.

sad news

2011-01-24T20:33:00.002-05:00

I'm very sorry this evening to announce my favorite old man cat died today. It was the hardest decision I have ever made. I cried so much. If anyone wants to insult my grieving by telling me I did the wrong thing then keep your comments to yourself. If anyone has been in my shoes you know how difficult and heartbreaking this is for me. Garry has been with me for so long it feels as if a part of me died today. I have this big empty hole inside me. It's as if my arm was cut off. My thoughts are consumed with him at this moment.

We could have done a test to find out where exactly and how big the tumor was and to see if it was operable... but I didn't want to put him through surgery, especially if they couldn't guarantee that would save him... He was very jaundice so whatever it was was hurting him badly. I also couldn't take him home to let him starve himself. I even tried to entice him with some baby cereal (I remember him sneaking into Rowan's bowl several weeks ago).

I don't know if I could have done more or not. He smelled of death and I knew the end was coming. I didn't want it to be today. I didn't want it to be next week or even next year. I'm selfish. I want my cat back annoying me. Licking loud, purring loud, pawing at me.

Garry update

2011-01-23T23:47:00.002-05:00

I'm afraid as I write this Garry isn't doing too well. I was encouraged slightly Friday because he decided to eat what I offered him and was up and around a little more... Friday night he vomited a lot... So Saturday I took him to the vet.

They did some blood work and found a few things that worried them. They also found a lump they think is a tumor. I could do a test, but at his age he said it isn't likely to be anything else. Also not much I can do. I could get a test to see if it's operable, but that doesn't mean it hasn't spread. I have had surgeries. I know how it is. I don't want to put him through that stress, especially if there is a chance it won't but buy another month.

He was dehydrated so they gave him an IV and also some anti-nausea medication and his temp was low so I had him under my electric blankie for a while... He was like a rag doll- so lethargic. We made a pallat on him in front of one of the heaters (one of his favorite spots). He barely ate anything I offered him and hardly drank. I even microwaved the cat food (and it really makes a stink- like cat breath in my kitchen). He hasn't eaten anything today. I don't know that he has made an effort to drink anything.

I am going to take him to the vet again tomorrow. I'm afraid I may have to make a decision I don't want to. Do I continue to take him every other day and give him fluids and medication via IV to "keep him comfortable" or do the other thing? I'm not ready to let him go. I looked at Millie and she is a good cat, but not a lap cat. I wouldn't want her to be Garry... I don't know if I can make that decision. I hate to see him this way, but he's been a part of my life for 13 1/2 years! He is older than my oldest child! I can't see my life with out him. I know he's "just a cat" but to me his also a family member. Anyone that knows me knows Garry!

I know I can't bargain, but that doesn't mean the thoughts haven't crossed my mind... I wouldn't mind if Garry puked in the middle of the living room floor. Or dug his claws into my leg trying to get his balance. He can gobble his snacks too fast (if only he would eat one!). I would love for him to crawl under the blankets and bite me if I move and make it uncomfortable for him. I haven't gotten a "belly massage" since before I was pregnant. He can run his motor purr and bite my hair. Ugh, I hate crying before bed.

Who is going to snuggle me when I have my migraines? Who is going to help me sweep and mop my kitchen floor (by help I mean get in the way)? And sneak in the pantry when we're getting the cat food? Who is going to lock themselves in the closet cuz they fell asleep on the towels? Will I have to make sure the kids cups of water are dumped or else I find them all knocked over in the morning? Who is going to get caught with the baby's cereal on his nose because he was in the dirty dishes getting a snack? Or annoy me with their obsessive licking?

I have cried with him so many times. I have laughed with him and I have gotten so MAD at him. I want to continue to do those things with him. Pet him, push him off my lap 50 times only to look down and realize he found a way in it anyway. Get him to do his "tricks" and kiss him. Scratch him under his chin... Okay I'd better stop.

Poor Garry, kitty

2011-01-20T21:28:00.005-05:00

I'm very sad writing this. For those of you that don't know Garry (full name Giarraputo) is my "old man cat" also known as Garry-puko. I have had him since I was 17. He used to sit on the edge of the bathtub and watch me shower and stuff- which is why I started calling him man-cat. He was kind of a pervert, I think.

He was given to me by my ex-mil because she and I are kindred spirits in the cat loving world. His mom's name was Baby and Baby was a very smallish cat and ran out once and got knocked up. We don't know who Garry's father is. Probably a taco cat. Taco cats were the tiger-stripey male cats that hung around outside at the time Baby got her taste of freedom. Now from what the kids tell me there are Oreo cats (my ex-mil would feed the strays and drop off's as she lives out in the boonies). So anyway she told me I could have whatever kitten I wanted out of the litter and she would keep it for me until I moved out on my own and could have cats. Baby had 1 kitten. Garry. Garry is an only kitten. Pick o' the litter.

So I had a normal cat name for him. I don't remember what it was and Mark's brother renamed him Giarraputo, after Jack Giarraputo the movie guy. And that stuck, obviously.

So anyway Garry went on one of his puking rampages he does sometimes and went at it for about the last 3 days. I figure he'd be on the mend and told Kirby we should really consider getting old man cat food instead of the all ages cat food we currently buy.

Garry started acting funny, he puked in the kitchen and I held him down. He likes to freak out and run and hence spray vomit all over. He didn't fight me... okay that was weird. So later I was treadmilling it up and he started crying. He had continued through the day to cry off and on. I feel bad cuz I shoo'd him away thinking he was going to wake the napping baby. When he was around he wasn't really that active and he started hiding. I noticed his vomit (after the kitchen one) was really foamy bile stuff. Not good. I picked him up (he is a very small kitty 7lbs at most) he felt so light and bony.

Anyway I'm so worried for him. He's curled up under the baby's bed and purrs when I pet him. My mom thinks I should take him to the vet, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him to sleep. I don't want him hurting or miserable. If I go to the vet and we have to put him to sleep I'm afraid I won't be able to even drive home!

Everyone keeps telling me he is old... Well he is old, but not THAT old. He's about 13 1/2. Which is only about 65 human years. I don't know what I'm going to do. That cat has been my constant vomiting companion. Millie will be so sad, too. She has known him all her life. The reason we got Millie is because I didn't want Garry to be lonely when we worked all the time.

Anyway I don't want to start crying thinking about it. I hope Garry snaps out of it. My mom has a foster kitty, Kiki. She said I could foster it if I wanted... I just don't know. I always said once Garry kicked the bucket I wasn't getting anymore cats! But I figured Garry'd be around for another 3 years or more. I hope so.

Missed 1/11/11

2011-01-18T22:31:00.000-05:00

Just quick update here. I think I have my Internet problem fixed so maybe I'll be able to blog more?? I guess that depends on how much sleep I get. Rowan was sleeping through the night... now several nights a week he finds it more amusing to not sleep. He's a tease!

I keep forgetting to call my mom to check on her until it's like 10:30. I know she has work to keep her busy and I have to chastise myself for forgetting. Sorry mom! She said she has lost some weight and otherwise seems to be getting along okay. I think she keeps herself busy. Which is good. She asked me last week about joining some kind of gym.

I think that is a great idea. I haven't lost my love handles from being pregnant yet (does anyone remember those commercials where people are walking and their love handles drop off and someone picks them up and puts them in the lost and found or something??) I'll have to google to see if I can find it and put a link on. It's hilarous. I told Kirby if I jump too much my floppy stomach might hit me in the face. We got a treadmill so I have been walking on that... I haven't fallen on it yet. Thank goodness. It's a little hard on frankenankle, but I think that is probably good for it. When it is stronger I plan on calling it my "bionic ankle."

I do have some good news. For those of you that know about my previous job at the AT&T. Well I was approved for something they said I wouldn't be able to get. woot to me. I know I mentioned I really wanted to blog about what a horrible company they are... but I also know that no one really would want to read it. At least I wouldn't. Too much negativity. Anyhoo I'm so happy that something has finally gone "my way" in regards to that awful place. Show them to be mean to a pregnant lady (a pregnant broken lady)!!

So lastly I was supposed to have jury duty and they "excused" me. Well- to them I am # A19-53 thru A19-101 who is excused. So it wasn't even personal. I even made extra bottles for tomorrow for Rowan! I know I am weird, but seriously- I think jury duty could be fun. I never did it so I could be wrong, but I was really looking forward to it. Also I was looking forward to going through the metal detector to see if my ankle will set it off. *sigh* eventually I will find out.

Blended Catfood

2011-01-02T12:58:00.003-05:00

You know you're off to a good New Year when... Garry does a number on my chair. It looked like I took a blender to the cat food and poured it all over the seat. I should start up my own photo-journal with the adventures of Garry. He is normally very good at not puking on the furniture, but I guess even he has his off days in his old age... He's like 65 or something in cat years. Between him and Rowan I'm glad I don't have new carpet!

My dad's memorial last Sunday went off really well. It was short and sweet and ended on a pleasant note. Also, my pastor came to pay his respects (he didn't know my dad) and ended up doing a little more. That was really nice of him, really- very nice. So how do we thank him, but to over sleep today and miss church (Sorry Pastor Larry).

Anyway- My mom had some words to say and they were so sweet... I wish I could remember them all. I should ask her sometime when she is feeling more up to it. I would like to record them in her memory book I made for her. I read all the comments people left me and what my uncle Rich emailed me, then Jarrod had some words to say. We then gathered in the dining room and had some of the left over Christmas snacks from the day before. I think it turned out really well. Especially for "winging it" and I hope I never have the burden of doing something like that ever again!!

I had my brother over a couple times before he left and I got aggravated because we were bickering like old times (Then that made me laugh cuz what are we 12?). No, I didn't laugh in front of him. That would have exasperated the situation. I mean that is only the 3rd time I've seen my brother since I was 16 (that is 14 years for those that don't know how old I am to do the math). Mom must have said something to him because he called the other night and said he really did love me and it was good to see me and my kids are beautiful. I was like- who are you and where is my brother... cuz I know he could kick your ass. It was nice.

I should have said something back, but I didn't. Well no one ever said I had to be perfect (and the more you try the more you mess up). Kinda like when you're running late and you hurry to save time and end up making little mistakes (like mascara in the eye) that makes it so you're even later than if you'd just do what you normally do. Deep breaths, turbo!

May this year bring something special the others haven't yet. Maybe I'll remember to mail out all the birthday cards and stuff on time for once! I still have the same mother's day card for the last 3 years to give to my mom and grandma. I didn't find a fathers day card so I'm hoping I actually remembered to give it to my dad. I guess you never know when the last holiday is going to be with those you love so don't forget the little things- they can make all the difference.

Quiet

2010-12-21T15:52:00.003-05:00

Something is wrong with Rowan. He cried most of the day yesterday and is working on today, too. He slept horribly- which means I also slept horribly. Kirby thinks my lack of sleep makes me a good mom. He was not around this morning when I woke up...

Rowan is now taking a good nap which means I'm taking a break. I should be sleeping, too, but I've got too much to do... like horse around on the computer. Actually I'm being very quiet because I have my fingers crossed he'll wake up in a good mood if I give him the opportunity to sleep his owies off.

Cept seems like all the dogs in the neighborhood are barking really loud on purpose cuz they know I'm finally taking a breather. Grrr.

I wish I knew what was the matter and more importantly how to make it better. We think maybe he has a tummy ache. He's spitting more than normal. He spits a lot as it is so I think I am going to invent some kind of baby clothes that they can spit and puke and spill on all they want but they're skin will stay dry. He's so naughty- he spit while I was changing from one wet onesie to another.

You know spell check does not recognise onsie? Or is it onesie? Well we'll never know because I am NOT getting my lazy butt up to see.

My brother is in town so that means I haven't really talked to my mom. She also is going back to work this week- or trying anyway. I'm glad he is keeping her busy but I really do feel like being selfish and having her to myself. I worry once her company is gone what she is going to do?

Also I put my dad's obit in the Post and Mail (link below- I also copied and pasted). My gram called my old pastor to see if he wanted to say some words, but he can't. I told her that was okay and I think she was a little upset with me because I already put it in the paper. I felt bad enough waiting so long to do it (but we had to be sure when my brother was going to be in town). Do we really need a pastor? One of my aunts told me my dad was working on an oil rig way back when and saw a Billy Graham concert and gave his life to Christ then. I know my dad was not an avid church goer, but I think his heart was in the right place deep down. I don't think I need words of comfort because I can't see any reason God would turn him at the pearly gates.

I feel like I'm taking most responsibility for this memorial. Memorials are for the living and with that said I really want to make it special for my mom. I know how much he meant to her. I know how much they loved each other. I can't get too mushy cuz it's making my eyes tear up and I've cried enough.

Is it odd that I find it fascinating my dad worked on an oil rig?

http://www.thepostandmail.com/content/robert-adams-58
Robert Adams, 58
December 21, 2010

Robert James Adams, 58 of Churubusco died at 11:20 p.m. Saturday, Dec. 11, 2010 at Parkview Main Hospital in Fort Wayne.
Born in California, he was a son of John and Connie Adams.
Survivors include his wife, Carol (Sharp) Adams; a son, Jarrod Adams; a daughter, Aryan Young and a brother, Richard Adams.
A memorial service will be held from 1 to 3 p.m. Dec. 26 at 113 W. North Park Drive in Columbia City.

Heartening

2010-12-19T16:12:00.003-05:00

I never realized my dad advertised my blog to anyone. Good thing I'm not a giant drama queen anymore! That makes me feel good that he found it interesting enough to share. I'm truly sorry my blog is how you all found out. I know when it comes to the cyber world there is never any closure. Either family members will delete the accounts... but more than likely they stay there. Like an empty shell.

I am really enjoying reading the comments from his e bay chat room friends. I'm sure my mom and brother will like to hear all the nice things and little stories, too. I think when we decide on a memorial service date I will include these comments. I am going to make a scrab book thingie or something for my mom. She will really be touhed by everyone's thoughts. Thank you all so much for your kind words!

My dad always talked about the ham radio and his e bay. I also think he liked boating because when I was 12 he sent me photos of a boat he was fixing up. I like knowing that even though he was too weak to go far and socialize (or do things like boating), he still enjoyed the little things life had to offer. Thanks to today's technology even the most home bound person can still socialize and offer a lot of themselves. I remember years (a lot of years!) ago when he told me he sold $5 on e bay. I told my boss about that a couple weeks ago when we were talking about e bay (they have an e bay account). He asked if my dad charged shipping. I don't know. I was going to ask him.

I have never done e bay. But then I've also never gone to an ATM machine. I know... I should get out in the world.

Empty Little Hole

2010-12-15T19:13:00.003-05:00

When I was growing I mentioned I was kind of an angry teenager when it came to my relationship with my dad. Just so everyone knows- my dad wasn't the only object of my anger. Also, I wasn't an angry person by any means, but like any other hormonal kid being thrown from childhood into adulthood (not to mention I thought I knew what life was all about, too) I had my share of issues. Deep down it always made me happy that my mom and him found each other again.

Anyway I always felt like I had this empty little spot. A small hole that I knew no one could ever fill except him, my dad. I'll admit I tried to find other ways to fill that gap, but was unsuccessful. No one could ever take his place. I knew I'd never be the snotty little daddy's princess... but I hoped I would have have the opportunity to build a relationship. I did. I'm so glad.

I'm still guilt ridden with the should have's in my relationship. I get so busy like everybody else, caught up in life, and forget what "life" is all about. I always think I'll do it later. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I hope I can stop to smell the flowers more.

Anyway my little hole was filled for a while. Now it's empty again. Of course I know better now than to try to fill it with something else. It's like I was putting water in my gas tank. Or substituting baking soda with flour when making pancakes (which I did once- they were so nasssty!).

Hmm. I should have told my dad that story. I'm glad he got to know the absentminded klutz that I am. I would definitely be a very boring person without my quirks.

It's kind of hard...

2010-12-13T23:54:00.002-05:00

I just keep thinking I didn't talk to him as often as I should have. Are there always regrets, what if's, and should haves? I wish I told him I loved him last time I saw him.

It's just that I didn't have a typical father-daughter relationship most people have. He wasn't even in my life for a good portion of it. I was disappointed and angry after the first time I met him when I was a teenager (before my parents re-married). I never felt like I took the time I should have to get to know him or build a solid relationship. He's the quiet type so conversations were often awkward. I just wish I had done more on my end when he did come into my life. I told myself Saturday when the ambulance passed me on the way to the hospital that I was going to have a heart to heart with him... but he never woke up. I wish I hadn't of waited for my heart to heart or that "right" moment.

As I held his hand in the hospital I realized I never really touched him.

I know we had a mutual understanding of each other and I know we loved each other deep down, but we never so much as said so. At least not often as we should have. I know he was proud of me, but I want to know things like his favorite color and why didn't I just ask that stuff when he was there? I knew he was sick and not feeling well, but it never occurred to me that Thanksgiving was the last time I'd see him alive.

Funny- last conversation we had I showed him my ankle scar (I hadn't seen him since before I broke it) and he told me his was bigger.

I love you, Dad

2010-12-12T19:29:00.002-05:00

Kirby and I have been watching Dead Like Me. It is actually a pretty good series with comedy that touches on really hard topics dealing with death, the meaning, why it has to happen, and why that person??

My dad was my mom's rock, her love, her soul mate. I can't even fathom in my mind how it feels for her, no matter how "prepared" you try to make your mind.

I wasn't particularly close to my dad, but I think these last few years we had developed a mutual understanding of each other. I don't remember telling him specifically that I loved him, but I hope he knew it. I wasn't really a daddy's girl... In fact, most of my childhood I was angry he wasn't there. I wanted to know what it was like to have a dad around, but even when I was reunited and had the opportunity- I didn't jump into it. I was happy just knowing that I was part of the reason he moved 2000 miles closer.

I still have every letter, birthday card, and Christmas card I have ever gotten. I know he loved me. I know he was proud of me, even if he didn't say it aloud. Conversations didn't flow like milk and honey all the time, but that was okay. I didn't feel I had much in common, but I was happy to get to know him better. I was excited to see him at family events and that my children got to know him, even though he was often too weak to rough house and play.

Ironically what I've been thinking most about all day was my blog. When I got into a blog drama a couple years ago he got interested in them. Not for the drama, but because of me. He didn't know I liked to blog and looked forward to reading them. I never outright told him, but I knew he liked my blogs so I opened up more than normal to let him in. I liked that he read them. It made me feel special.

I know this is selfish, but I keep thinking I should have blogged more for him and now I feel this little empty hole that he won't be able to read them. It was like my special connection. I should have put more effort into it for him.

I always read and hear people saying to tell people you love them now because you never know, blah, blah, blah, but I never think it's me. How cliche because now I'm passing that message along. Funny, I used to call for my mom and always thought I should talk to him more and I just didn't a whole lot. My dad was the quiet one. He didn't complain and he certainly wasn't a chatter box like myself.

My mom says I have his smile. I think my brother looks a lot like him, though.

Now my focus must avert to my mother. If it's hard on me and my brother I know it's going to be rough on her. I'm worried for her. I love my mom so much and I don't want her hurting. It took her a long time to get to where she was- to find her happiness. We went through a lot growing up and she deserved to be happy once she and my dad rekindled their fire. I wish this was just "another scare" and he could be back with her so her pain could ease.

Lastly, I prayed for my dad (and my mom) every day for months and months for their salvation. I don't know where he stood or how religious he was. I don't know his beliefs and I resolved to myself to ask when he was conscious in the hospital. I never got that chance and now I don't know for sure. He was a good man. I know what the bible says. It doesn't matter if you're a good man or not (and that is so confusing). John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life"

Ya Like The New Do??

2010-12-04T23:36:00.003-05:00

Gave the blog a mini make over. We'll see how well I like it in a couple weeks.

These last couple weeks have been uber fun. If you consider a snotty nose, headache, sore throat, and cranky baby with the same fun. I have been very selfish with my germs so I shared them with Kirby. He is now half passed out on the couch. I should wake him up at 4am when Rowan can't sleep because he's stuffed and make him take the baby so I can get my beauty sleep.

Just kidding, baby (both of you). I wouldn't do that.... or would I? I mean- we can't have me going around with bags under my eyes all the time can we? Isn't wearing baby spit up on me enough for my badge of motherhood?

So anyway my daughter had a fantastic birthday party thing she did. Her friend wanted a limo ride- so that is what they did. I thought it was very unique and clever idea. The limo picked each one of them up, opened the doors for them, and took them to ice cream, too! They were all dressed fancy and got the red carpet (at the mall). They had an open bar (of coke and mountain dew). I'm glad she had fun. It was also pretty hilarious when we knocked on the wall and she thought they were coming before they actually came.

So we're doing Christmas shopping. I was at Toys R Us (do not go there if you can help it, it's ridiculous- but what place isn't this time of year?) and saw this barbie. I was like "Kirby I swear I had this exact barbie when I was little, I remember the peach dress. blah blah blah" (Blah blah blah was not actually said, but I didn't want to bore you with my excitement). He was like "It's vintage 1985" and pointed that label out to me. Apparently they are remaking some. How was I supposed to know? I was too busy admiring her dress to notice what the package said.

Good News for Bloggers

2010-11-22T21:50:00.002-05:00

I got a new lap top! This one is named "Windy" because of Windows 7. I will miss Lappie, but I needed a computer that works. I suppose I'll have to go through all the blogs I painstakingly did over the phone and spell check them... *sigh* I'm too anal. I didn't have spell check on my phone for blogger. I also no longer have the Internet on my phone.

Now- being a new mom and all that jazz I just have to find time and topics to blog. I know you'll be looking forward to more blogging fun.

Situations.

2010-10-25T21:38:00.002-04:00

Yanno- I wanna blog and be all quirky and stuff... I just don't have it in me when I'm sleep deprived. Although that is when I do my best work. Instead of blogging with my phone in the middle of the night I've got a bottle in someone's mouth. Oh how life changes huh?

So I have a lot on my mind, including what to do about the ole job sich-ee-a-tion. I technically still have my current job... I am waiting for a mess with disability to clear up (or not) and see how I stand from there. I've wanted to blog about it and complain, but really- who wants to read about my complaining when they hear me talk about it enough?

Seems like lately I have had a lot of pitfalls. It seems like the things that are "easy" in life are really difficult and the things that are "hard" are not too bad. Sometimes I don't feel so much like getting out of my jammies (today for one, I didn't) and then others I go all out with the making up my face and stuff. Some weird moods. Supposedly I still have those hormones making me bonkers??

Oh if only I had the answers... at least some. I'm tired of feeling guilty for Kirby for MY situation. After all, it's really my fault I'm in the position I'm in. I wish my past decisions would stop haunting me and let bygones be bygones. I know it's all in my head. I can feel it rattle around in there when I shake it.

Won't Be Racing Anytime Soon

2010-10-07T22:23:00.004-04:00

But I am walking!! woo hoo. I have a horrid limp (I know it'll get better) and it makes me think of Frankenstein zombie or something. I felt stupid going to the mailbox. At least with the giant boot I looked like I had an excuse. Now I look like a normal person impersonating a cripple.

So anyway it's great to be free, but my ankle is really hurty. So Garry hopped up on the counter (apparently he's been doing it a lot these last 2 1/2 months I have not been very mobile) and I yelled at him. He looks at me like "so whatcha gonna do about it???" I'ma get up and kick your hiney! That's what. I yell again with more mean growel. He struts his stuff cuz really- what am I going to do?

Normally by now I'd jump up fast as lightning, sprint over, and barely miss swatting (cuz he may be old, but he's still got those feline reflexes no matter how fast I am). But we all know there is no "normally" left for a while. I hop up from my chair- too fast because I tremble in pain in my ankle.

I'm sure he'd laugh if cats had laughing boxes. You know what he does? Any ordinary cat would be high tailing it out of there once the human stands up. He stares at me smiling (I know he was). He actually made me hobble over toward him to feebly think of swatting him off. By my third hobble I've made it 2 feet from my chair and he decides he's tortured me enough. He slowly walks to the end of the counter and nonchalantly jumps off and avoids me for the rest of the afternoon.

secret

2010-10-03T21:38:00.003-04:00

I was going to title this "frustrations" and as soon as I did that I got a hangnail and that was kind of frustrating. Then I thought who would want to read a blog titled "frustrations?" Cuz that'll mean the blog is all whiney. No- what people like is drama and secrets! So viola! There we go.

So anyway I really AM frustrated, but I put on my happy face. You know the one. I just don't feel like it when I'm alone. Which is the majority of the day. Sometimes I feel like my mind is numb. It's like back in 8th grade when I thought I had life figured out and I only functioned because that was it. I guess I just want people to think that things are better with me (inside) than they really are. It's easier to say "fine" when asked how I'm doing. And do people REALLY want to know? I don't think so.

My mind is a roller coaster.

I love my home life, but not my job (and I haven't even gone back yet). Is it bad I get all anxious just thinking about it? I dread going back there. Spending 1/3 of my life at some place that can't even fake treat me as a valued person is just not something I look forward to subjecting myself to.

I keep thinking of those women that say they don't even want to get undressed in front of their husbands because of their bodies. I don't want to be like that, but I feel like it now. I cried this morning because I can't even wear most of my maternity pants due to unusual hyper sensitivity in my belly. I'm sure this is a c-section thing. How can I feel beautiful when physically I'm in pain? I cried this morning because it just exhausts me.

So I'm pretty much over the ankle and walking like a robot thing. Well not over it per-say, but used to it. I can't say it's still annoying (because going on 2 1/2 months it IS), but the light is at the end of the tunnel. By the end of the week I'll be taking the boot off and off I go... (applause inserted here). Okay so it probably won't be that easy; it'll be baby steps. Any steps are better than none, right?

With that said- I'm frickin scared out of my mind. I keep having vivid dreams and day dreams of my foot being so weak it just flops and snaps. Makes me shudder. Shuddering kinda makes the belly hurt. wierd.

So I was thinking about some of my 'funny' quirky blogs. I kinda miss that me. It's been a hard road and I know I've had hard roads before. I'm ready to find that fork to easy lane.

I still laugh a lot. Mostly at Rowan. He burped in my face this evening. It smelled like baby formula. That made me laugh. Oh and it seems like the only time he takes a dump is when he's in my lap. Luckily I have not had any squirt on ME (yet).

I really love being a mom. I would give up anything to be able to stay home with him and do the housewife thing. Maybe learn to cook (better) and me & the baby go grocery shopping. I'm already domesticated in the coupon clipping area.

Last thing for tonight- I promise at some point I will end up doing something silly I can blog about and we can all get some laughs again. Also, it's been a while since I blogged about my cats. I know you miss them.

Thank You!!

2010-09-26T14:45:00.003-04:00

Now I want to take this portion of my blog to thank those that have helped me since my broken ankle and my giving birth. If I leave anyone out I apologize, but I really am thankful from the bottom of my heart. First off all those that have said prayers for me, the baby, and my family.

My grandma, Travis, Mike, Missy, and Mollie, for staying with me those first couple weeks after I broke my ankle. The kids for doing all they do (even if it was the bare minimum at times). Also those that stopped by to see how I was doing (Dusty), providing snacks (Bryce and Amanda who both showed up with sundaes and frosty's for not just me, but the whole lot of kids), and all the books to borrow (Julie, Erica, and Jessica). My neighbor Carol for making us several delicious meals and Nadia for her delicious meal, too. I've never had pulled pork and that was yummy!

To those that stayed with me or kept me company those first couple weeks while I was still not able to walk after I had the baby: Kris, Kendra, Mollie, my mom, and Grandma. My church for providing us lots of meals that first week I was home with Rowan. Also the people that stopped by to see how the baby and I were doing including my friend Jessica, Ashley, and my cousin Jessica.

Most of all I want to thank my wonderful husband. I have mentioned in more than one blog his involvement in keeping the house, taking care of me, and working to provide the bacon for our table. Kirby is really such a wonderful person! I honestly don't think anyone else could have taken better care of me. He has been patient, tender, and loving. He has helped me when I was unable to help myself in every embarrassing way- especially postpartum. I wish I could express how wonderful he really is, but I feel a simple blog won't do him justice. I just can't express how I feel in mere words. I am not by any means done with my recovery, but I have to give credit where credit is due. I wish anyone could get a glimpse of how I see him through my eyes.

Adventures of Rowan

2010-09-26T14:09:00.002-04:00

So after 8 years what is it like to be a mommy again? Weird. I had not forgotten how to change a dirty diaper. Or to make sure I don't jostle a baby too much after a feeding. Although an "emergency" trip to the bathroom left me no choice, but to let him swing shortly after eating. He enjoyed it, but not so much the changing of the clothes for the 3rd time that day. Daddy and I learned when changing the diaper to make sure it is pointed down in the diaper and not left to it's own accord. That lesson took us a while. Like SEVERAL clean outfits and blankets later from the diaper leaking through the leg.

Also I have the worlds cutest infant (currently screaming in daddy's arms cuz he refuses to burp). That baby burps like a real grown up person. He has his own personality and will grunt (like we're fooled) while he's being burped. When he does though- wow. I bet he could put a couple drunks to shame. Okay he's loud, but maybe not THAT loud. Definitely all boy!

He is 3 1/2 weeks now. Where did the time go?

Besides taking care of my wee one I haven't done anything overly amusing except for recovery. Apparently being a new mother, learning to walk, and have had major abdominal surgery takes it out of you. I still have wicked cabin fever, but I'm not as energetic and lively as I make myself out to be. I know nap when the baby does, but I'm ready to be a normal person again. So by bed time (when he's wide eyed and bushy tailed) I'm exhausted. Geez there goes that burp!

Frankenankle update: Apparently losing 25 lbs and the pregnancy induced edema is the trick for the ankle feeling 78% better. Seriously. I have began my recovery to walking- with the boot. I started out at 25% and am up to 100%. I have a wicked limp. I think that is mostly due to the fact the book raises my leg by like 2 inches. So it's nice to be able to walk to pick up my baby and carry him (albeit, I wouldn't carry him too much after he's eaten with my jagged limp!). I also have to be cautious of carrying hot liquids in a mug. A little unstable for that. -and now I did not learn that the hard way!

In all honesty I will admit, I'm scared out of my gourd to walk w/o my boot. It's like my ankle is all exposed and ready to snap again... ugh. I don't get that figure of speech "scared out of your gourd" I'm not a pumpkin!

Welcome Home Little One

2010-09-08T00:20:00.000-04:00

For those that have wondered where I have been the last week... We can welcome baby Rowan! He was born September 1st, 8:02, 8lbs 3oz, 20 1/4 in.

Rowan is perfect and everyone else is great. Kids doing well. Kirby really truly the best husband I could hope for.

My recovery has been a little difficult with the ankle complications and cesearian. I had 15 staples! We had a drama on sunday when I split the incision open a little. Again I have overwhelming feelings of guilt for my plight. I won't elaborate too much on the woe is me blogs.

As much pain as I'm in I would do it over for Rowan (or any of my children) if I had to. I look forward to being able to pick him up, change him, and give a bath. All that fun baby stuff.

Frankenankle Update

2010-08-31T22:25:00.002-04:00

This is for those actually interested in what I have to say (well of course you are mildly interested or you wouldn't read) and how my ankle is doing. I can't imagine it is interesting reading... If my ankle weren't broke I probably wouldn't read much of others constant complaining. Not that it's complaining today. It's rather update/good news.

So anyway I had my appt today and I have to be in the boot full time for the rest of the week.... ugh. so on Monday the 6th I can put 25% of my weight on it. I can start to walk with pressure- music to my ears!! So how do we know what 25% of my weight is?? I have to weigh myself, divide that by 4, then put pressure on the scale with my bad foot until I reach 25% so I know how much I can do. Clever, eh? I always wondered how you would know how much to put on it. I figured until it hurt too bad or something. The tricky part is getting ON the scale in the first place. I think if I jump on it- it won't like me.

So after a while I'll work up to 50% and so on and so forth until I am at 100% and no crutches. He give me about 6 weeks to accomplish that.

The best part?? Once I am weight bearing I can take the boot off to sleep! If you have ever slept in one of those you know how uncomfortable it is- and bulky- and hot- and itchy (that last part is probably just my leg healing or muscle atrophy-ing! I will be boot free hopefully in about 5 weeks. I am going to work really super hard.

My next blog will be- a birth announcement! I know you're all ready for those details.

ps- My orthopedic Dr said I have stainless steel in me. He also informed me I will not set off any metal detectors. I am a little disappointed in that news, but I shouldn't let it deter me from trying!

Worry Worry Wart!

2010-08-30T23:56:00.000-04:00

There will be a baby this week!!! Also I have an ankle appt tomorrow/today. I'm so nervous and excited. I'm worried my range of motion isn't good enough. I really hope to be able to start to put pressure on it. My good knee still screams in pain and pops now. Yikes!

Kirby says it will get better when I get rid of some of this heavy belly. That is this week ready or not. I have to have a c-section (if you ever have a choice natural is better and you heal faster).

I'm worried because walking helps the healing process for the c-section... And I use lots of stomach muscles to use the crutches. Besides pain I don't want to hurt my innards by over doing with the use of my muscles. I guess we'll see. I'm sure I'm not the only pregnant lady that has had to deal with this situation.

I'm also worried cuz this poor baby has had so many pain pills (my OB assures me he'd rather me take them than be in pain, but I still worry).

I must be good at that!

I am also seriously considering another personal choice of which I won't discuss at this time (if you are not dense I'm sure you know what I'm talking about). That also is reason for some worry.

Lastly I'm going to try breast feeding. I attempted with Gavin (over 12 years ago), but had trouble and not enough support. Kirby supports me, but I am afraid I will have the same problem I did with Gavin or be in more pain on top of everything else. At least that is a "normal" worry!

I know everything will be ok and work out. It always does.
Worry is a weird word when you say it over and over.

So besides those annoyong worries I'm also so super excited to meet this precious little guy. I love him so much already. Kirby is nervous and excited, too. This is our 1st, his 2nd, my 3rd, and our blended family's 4th. Plus we sometimes get Cruz. So that will be 5 kids sometimes in my house at once. From newborn to 14!! Of course that number fluctuates with the children's other parents and stuff, but we're always on our toes!

Kirby and I used to almost always get "our" time every other weekend- now we won't. We'll have to be like "normal" families! We are so ready to start this new chapter...

Of all the kids I think Gwyneth is the most excited. I can't wait to see their reactions when they meet their little brother. I wonder if anyone else (besides big sister) will want to hold him?? With that said will I ever get to hold him (I guess this is where him eating all the time will come in handy for me).

Another Midnight Blog

2010-08-26T00:23:00.000-04:00

Soon to be replaced by midnight feedings and dirty diapers. In less than a week if this little baby does not grace us with his presence he's going to have to come anyway. And he'll like it whether or not he likes it!

I have an ankle appt on the 31st. I really hope for good good good news that will make taking care of a new born easier. I.e. More mobility.

I know I won't be ready for any running around shopping or brisk fall walks, but I'll be happy if I can start putting some weight on it. Like getting up with the use of both feet so my good knee stops screaming at me for doing all the work (I will refrain from any "lazy" comments or he may decide to give out on me totally).

Anyway I know all these pregnant and ankle posts are probably getting boring. I can't wait to blog all the silly exploits of the kids and baby.

Gavin was probably one of the funniest toddlers- especially learning to talk. That boy picked up on every thing. Not to mention we kinda taught him some naughty things... I think his dad taught him to hit someone's behind and say "big ole butt." I was mad, BUT I would lie if I didn't laugh and find it amusing and/or encourage it. I'm pretty sure he did that to a couple ladies in church. We had to put a stop to it then.

We had to stop listening to certain songs around Gwyneth because she was singing along- ALL the words. Really bad words I wouldn't even say... I didn't even realize some of our taste in music was so bad till then! I have slightly improved... Working on it moreso cuz she has lectured me (yes me) and Kirby about profane language. She does not want to hear it (Yeah- Go Gwyneth!).

I'm not sure of some of the things Josh and Cruz did... But I'm sure they have their fair share. Speaking of Cruz: He is teenager AND in high school now. Love that kid, but we can't deny the teenager part. He's very helpful and sweet, but the teenager part may turn up some good blogging material yet. :-).

I'm glad we have such a good bunch and happy to add to it. I am once again getting beat in the bladder... Someone definately has their days and nights mixed up!!

Trucking Along... still

2010-08-23T00:18:00.000-04:00

I have cramping tonight! I shouldn't get excited. I'm sure it's just some lame gas. The one time I have had good contractions I started to time and then fell asleep.

The ankle front is about the same. It's really itchy on the non-surgery side. Does that mean those bones are coming together? And hurty on the surgery side. Still gets purple in the shower, but not as bad.

I also haven't noticed any new range of motion. I have an orthopeadic appt on the 2nd- they want me to have full range of motion. At least I think I remember that... I was a bit distracted by the pain I was in. I can't help if the dratted thing won't do as I command. It's like trying to use the force in real life. Or asking the cat to bring me something.

And FYI: We all know the cats do not bring me things because of the opposable thumb issue. It's cuz they don't want to.

My "good" leg is looking beefy compared to the bad one. I blame it on the pregnancy induced edema as well as it's getting a work out and a half! The poor guy's knee is SORE and throbby. I've been putting ice on him. I think my problem is that he's bearing all my weight- all my giant pregnant weight!

Soon, yesss very soon we won't have so much weight on it. I am due in 2 weeks. Oh- its after midnight; make that 1 week and 6 days!

The children start school tomorrow. My son is in middle school. Nuts- I know. I just can't believe how much older he gets every year. He is getting that mature young adult look about him. Still a kid, but my time is limited.

Well I'm still cramping in combination to someone doing acrobatics... Not comfortable! He should know he's too big to be doing that in there and come out to play!

Up... Again

2010-08-17T02:09:00.000-04:00

Where ever did I find the time to blog before heartburn?? That and doing it from my phone so I don't have to get my cripple self to a computer...

Anyway I took a pain pill at midnight so I thought fo sho I would get some sleep. I took my tums, my maalox, and more tums; that stomach acid insists on creeping up despite those pregnancy safe defenses. The "burning" part I can tolerate. It's the waking up cuz the stomach acid got in the back of my mouth part I hate. Especially if I'm sleeping deep and have to cough it out of my wind pipe. Its one thing to choke on the excess saliva pregnancy also presents you with- but over active digestive juices. Yuck!

I will most definately not miss that when this beautiful baby comes. Among some other things: like swelling, shortness of breath, squished ribs, peeing all the time.. Etc. lol.

I really never liked being pregnant with the first two. Gavin I was so young and frankly- freaked out. Plus I didn't know half the things going "wrong" with my body were a part of being pregnant. And I kinda had school (yes, high school) to work on. It seems once I had him my entire world became clear and I didn't fathom love until then. I was young, but he didn't care.

Gwyneth- I was kind of neutral. I kinda felt guilty for Gavin (she was semi-planned) if I got into the excitement too much... But I WAS excited. Not that Gavin would ever care either way. He was excited, too, once I was big and we had talks about it. I was also introduced to a plethora of new pregnancy symptoms (they do say every pregnancy is different and for me it is) that made me down right miserable. Plus I had more concerns for my future (I had grown up some) and financial stability. Of course as always things worked out. Her birth showed me even more love for my children I never thought I was capable of.

This baby- except for my employments horrible disability policy and unwillingness to work with me- I have thoroughly enjoyed every aspect. I'm just so excited to be blessed with helping God create life again and that He has entrusted this little person to me! Of course it's no fun staying up with acid gurgling to get in my mouth- I do get lots of time to day dream (or night dream) about my little man and our family. I'm going to miss being pregnant, I think. My squirmy little guy all nestled inside me safe, warm, and happy.

I've been saying he is the bow that ties my blended family together. I believe he will be a delight to all of us and can't wait to meet him.

Ready or Not... nevermind

2010-08-15T23:09:00.000-04:00

So it's almost a close for this weekend. I think I could enjoy the rest of this pregnancy resting, but you try to take a nap with 3 kids in and out. In and out. In and out. And the (like my eyes are closed for the fun of it) "Can I have a snack?". "Can I have a waterballoon fight?" "Can I go to so-n-so's house" questions. Nap= outlook not so good. I did manage a little shut eye- but it was about as choppy as last night.

I've had a few lame braxton hicks, here and there. What I had a taste of last night was the 'I can't move for the pain wrapped around my belly' kind of hurts. I thought I was doing another of those kidney stone things I had a few months ago (NOT FUN). But I realized the pain let up and I dozed off again- til the next one. My brain (sometimes it takes a while) realized- HEY. Contractions!!! Woo hoo!! So I started timing them when they woke me up. I must have already had like 3 or 4. 2:25. Next one 2:35. Wow ok 10 minutes apart. Fell back asleep. Then woke up five something to use the bathroom. I had 2 more, obviously no pattern, just for extra giggles -and one on the way to church.

So besides poor sleep I have not gotten to see my bundle of joy. Maybe next time... I think Kirby is ready for him (we still need wipes!).

I'm The Antagonist

2010-08-13T19:12:00.000-04:00

Oh for crying out apples! I know I complained my last blog about the kids. I since had a good lecture/talk with them about fighting. I will say they have improved in some areas. Gwyneth is the biggest problem and we are working hard.

Its tough being the youngest AND only girl. Often she's the one to get fed up first and lash out in her frustration. She starts as many with everyone as they start with her- so yes most of the problems with bickering center around her.

I wonder if I have been raising the kids right? They do what I ask, but won't go the extra mile. For example: I was left 3 squares in their bathroom (theirs is closer). So I took the empty roll off and left the holder on the sink. I asked one of them to get some more. They left it on the sink next to the holder. Come on- it would take an extra 3 seconds to put the roll on the holder.

They only do the bare minimum. They fight and jump on volunteering over the easy chores (like feeding the cats and recycles), but heaven forbid anyone offer to vacuum or sweep. Or anything that will require a little effort.

When did they get so lazy and selfish? I ask for a water and someone put my empty ones in the fridge instead of rinsing out and refilling.

Where is the desire to help and do the right thing? Where are is the desire for doing hard work and a good job? Don't they want to blow me away with how great they really are? Shouldn't I brag how helpful they have been? I know if anything happens to me when I'm an old lady it's straight to the nursing home. That is the attitude they have shown me this last week. Is this how you really treat anyone that needs help??

Of course it would be blasphemy if I didn't mention the last time we went grocery shopping they were ideal and perfect in every sense. Didn't ask for anything, didn't fight, offered to get heavy items, bending over for me- and even putting away when we got home! I took them to eat and it was perfect. I felt like the worlds best mom.

Why are things with the kids so sporradical? I know they have it in them- why can't I have it now? I am so needy now than before.

I know- I'm on a total rant. My BP is probably ridiculous from my stress. Who ever thought it would be so stressful sitting on the couch all day?? Lol. Only I could make being laid up (with a fancy phone, books, word search, tv, etc at my fingertips, etc) something to complain about.

It's like I lost my happiness and can't get up to look for it. I don't want to be so negative all the time. I hate nagging and lecturing the kids. I certaintly don't want to stress Kirby out- but I lynch him as soon as he walks in the door. What happened to my smile? It didn't break with my ankle, did it?

Do I have to zap the zest around everyone that comes in contact with me? Nag, yell, complain, cry? I know this is only temporary. I know in no time I'll be chasing after a little toddler and going to middle school concerts.

I wish I could go sit at the table and chat Kirby's ear off about everything like normal. It's just such a pain to feel like I have to yell across the house to talk to him. I miss the attention I used to steal from him. Hovering when he cooks, following him like a lost puppy just to be close... I know he's too busy to come to me and give it to me... I can't expect him to all the time.

I guess it's no mystery why I plowed through 4 700+ page books in a week. Anyway my stomach is hurting: cramping up. I really kinda thought today would have been a good birthday, but he's only teasing me with braxton hicks.

Ima Grouchy Mama

2010-08-12T01:09:00.000-04:00

I'll admit this. I think I've cried about every night since I fell. From physical pain, physical exhaustion, mental anguish, pregnant hormones- whatever. I don't know why I can't fight them. Sometimes I have to fight them all day just to wait until my release at night. Where its private and I can really let go.

I was just dozing off a minute ago. My ankle really hurts (I've not been taking pain pills as much as possible- so this is raw pain. Better than the first week, but I have new aches that come with various issues I'm dealing with). ANYWAY I was in that half dream state trying to fall asleep. My little boy was learning to walk and the house was strewn with everyone's toys and junk. I was nagging to pick up because I'm now paranoid about people tripping. I was going through my rant how I didn't trip on anything- just the sidewalk... Then my mind focused on my actual fall.

I'm not sure why but it's instant agony. I remember every detail clear as a bell. I remember my first stumble and how foolish I thought I looked and no doubts I would straighten up and vow to walk more careful. Then the bone pops and feeling it and seeing it... And I think the worst- making it move and it wouldn't... The pain that just has not gone away. That is when I fully awoke to my tears tonight.

I have to move the frankenankle now for my therapy. It's so achy and disappointing I can't make it do what I want. I just realized I'm lazily moving my right foot back and forth- not even thinking about it. I can't even get my left foot to move without concentrated effort. I can't even move my toes the way my mind is willing.

I sit in my misery on the couch every day. I'm tired, worn out, sore joints, aching muscles, frustrated. And I listen to the kids bicker over everything: bedroom doors, who's knocking, how much ketchup they have, gum, where they're sitting, nothing is beyond them. They aren't terrible, but it's enhanced in my mind, like an irritating mosquito in your ear. So I do the only thing I can do from the couch. I yell, nag, lecture... I feel horrible cuz that is all it feels like I do.

I'm disappointed because I was so anxious to see them and have them around. I pictured watching lots of movies and their willingness to be helpful and step up with household needs, too. I figured they would understand and try harder to behave (of course I'm not diluted enough to think they wouldn't fight at all). I just expected more. They're not terrible by any means, they are just kids, but no one will take the initiative. They are all older and perfectly capable of acting more grown up and responsible. Everyone wants to be treated older- here is perfect opportunity to show me you can get more priveleges! So I feel like the mean mom and wicked step mom with only negativity coming out. My faith in them stepping up and acting more grown up in my time of need was stupid. I should have known they would be more cause of stress than delight.

Maybe I am the mean grouch. I want to curl up and fall asleep and I can't get comfortable. I can't do effing anything on my own! (Well I can at least wipe my own butt. Lol)

Maybe tomorrow I will be stronger... And better spirited.

And yes- since lappie stopped working I have been doing these from my phone... No spell check- sorry. At least I think the heartburn is mostly gone now...

Shower Day!!!

2010-08-08T21:55:00.000-04:00

It was an exciting day. I managed to get to church and that was really good. My cousin and her family went with us and visited ahead of time before the shower. Wish they didn't live so far away!

So my mom and one of my friends were planning the shower. My friend has been sick a lot and was feeling better, but had a relapse... She stopped by to give us the grand prize and games. When I spoke to her before her arrival she was having trouble with the games and her printer. I was worried there wouldn't be many, so my cousin and I thought up a couple on the fly. One was the diaper game. We let the boys take charge of that before bailing the hen party. I think they enjoyed that too much. The broccoli and cheese diaper was nearly overflowing. Also- you can put 12 squares of t.p. Around my belly... Everyone was shocked it was so little when I'm so big!

Anyway the shower was real fun. Lots of people couldn't make it last minute, but those that did had the privelege of sharing an embarrassing moment when we introduced ourselves. Let's just say I have a special group of friends and family and its amazing there aren't more broken bones.

Speaking of broken bones- when I did my therapy afterwards I was able to wiggle my pinky toe!! Woo hoo!! Who'd ever think how exciting it would be to wiggle a little toe!? I liked letting the leg air out... But after a while the ankle got achy and I'm glad to have the boot back on. It only weighs 2 lbs 12 oz, but feels like 20 lbs, hot and cramped... But my foot was glad to be back in!

Someone has the hiccups so I'm going to enjoy that. Like I said on my facebook the other day- I love to feel him move (except maybe on my bladder), its the best feeling.

Backseat Cleaner

2010-08-07T14:00:00.000-04:00

Every day brings more challenges with the giantness of my pregnancy and the frankenankle...

This newest challenge? Letting the kids take care of me- sort of. Kirby is taking a well deserved day off with one of his good friends in Indy... At GenCon... Where I would slowly be waddling through if I hadn't of fallen. I wanted him to go and have fun. Of course I'm jealous, but its a happy jealousy- for him. He needs a mini break from taking care of me.

So this morning I woke up to excited screams from the boys playing Call of Boring (that's right, Call of BORING on the x-box lol). I asked Gwyneth to please get my pillows, please get my water, please etc. By time I finished my cereal and she was rinsing it out for me she says "I really wish you didn't have a broken ankle cuz this is really annoying!" I told her, "yes it is annoying because I would much rather just get up and do these easy things myself...". She got my point. I also wanted to mention I could have snuck a cookie while pouring my cereal, but that would give my tactics away.

So I asked Cruz for some juice and he got me my fiber drink- double dosage. Ok well that's fine. I suppose I would have needed some today anyway... Those dratted prenatal vitamins!

Okay now the hard part. My shower is tomorrow and I can't do MY cleaning. I'm so anal about how its done. I really can't stand to see the kids (bless their hearts) do it "wrong" either. I was a little nit picky. So I haven't done jack since my fall.

Despite my upcoming shower this stuff needed to be done. I made a list... A very long list that extends well beyond their regular chores (poor kids, lol). They were all 4 really good sports about it. I'll admit I was a tyrant. I thanked them for helping and putting up with me. ... And really- they did an awesome job.

Of course its not exactly how I like it. I wish I could just do a quick once over... But I have to learn patience (funny I keep preaching that to my daughter) and just suck it up. It's a good lesson for them and myself. I'm thinkng more for me. I know things don't have to be perfect and I'm sure my guests will not notice the imperfections I see. I'm sure even my husband won't either, but whatever reason I'm keen on tuning into those. I have to put my focus elsewhere.

I know I don't have to have a perfect house for everyone, but I like it perfect for me. Or rather "my" way as I'm sure others would critisize even me! It's just so nice to relax in a room you know is clean cuz it's all been taken care of. My bedroom is next on my list... Lol... another day- and I say this begrudgingly. :-).

Bring on the Pain

2010-08-05T19:07:00.000-04:00

It should actually be titled bring on more pain. Or rather let's get rid of the pain!

I would like to be walking by time little R comes, but outlook not so good. Lol Of course I knew that, but its just so weird when it becomes more real- like my next ortho appt is literally the day before my scheduled c-section.

I really wish I could sneak my cookies. I've had to resort to calling them my circular ankle disks. Of course my 12 year old is too smart for my evil cookie tactics.

I had my orthopeadic appt today. We were gone for 4 hours! They took my cast/splint off. That hurt like a mother I didn't say any bad words. I didn't look, but could FEEL. I think I cried more than the kid next to me. How pathetic is that? He probably has better pain medication!

My daughter was with us. I hate to say it upset her pretty bad to see me so upset, but she didn't want to go in the lobby- she stuck it through, the trooper.

My whole foot is still swollen bad. Much worse than I thought. My toes are overstuffed beefy sausages. Rest looks like an alien leg. The about 5ish inch scar with the stitches- disgusting (of course I got a photo!).

So then I had x-rays. Honestly they hurt so bad in the ER I was a little nerve wracked. It wasn't bad. X-ray lady didn't even touch it. Of course I had double lead for the baby.

Verdict: I have 5 screws in my plate. One is crooked. Looks like it was drilled right in the bone. Euww.

Next my stitches came out, I NEVER want to feel those guys again! I never had stitches that weren't the disolving kind. It felt like bee stings all the way. They were big fatty ones too. I had about 12. We'll count them later...

Lastly I got my "walking" boot. I say "walking" cuz I'm not actually allowed to put ANY pressure on it for the next 4 weeks. In fact except for bathroom and shower I have to keep it up pretty much all the time. Going to have to restuff my coushins...

The fun part: I get to do this fun therapy where I practice several times a day moving my ankle to get mobility back. Yay!! I think its not going to be very pleasant.

I also had my OB appt; that was interesting with my 'situation'. Otherwise it went great. Baby is perfect, active, good beat, not ready at all to come. Which is good!

useless

2010-08-04T23:47:00.000-04:00

There have been times I may have felt depressed where this word had popped into my mind. Even through my divorce. I remember it there a lot then. Raw and open.

Of course I wasn't. All those times I drudged myself out of bed, slapped on my happy smile, and trucked through the day. I could work. I could cook for my children (very poorly, but I did). I could go outside, drive where I needed, look for lost items. There were lots of things I could do. Really I was not useless. But of course that word had another meaning at those depressed times.

I know I'm not now, but I certaintly can't go in the pantry and sneak a cookie or get my juice I haven't had for 3 days. I can't even go through my "me" routine washing my face, etc. I haven't fixed my hair since I fell (I may try tomorrow) or anything I do to make "me" feel good. I'm not independent at all. That makes me feel useless in a new way. Probably the proper meaning.

My children came back from their dads. My daughter asked if I could tuck her in tonight. I can't. Then she accidentally stubbed her toe on my foot. It hurt, but the reason I cried was not really from the pain.

It was for the same reason the kids were slamming their doors and I couldn't go snarl at them to behave. Same reason I wanted a popsicle and didn't ask. Same reason I continue to strain my muscles reaching for things out of reach (like my dove soap).

I'm glad it was me though. I think I'm tougher than the rest. I think this would hurt Kirby more- or the kids. They're all too active. I feel bad Kirby hasn't done much for "him"... I don't want him to miss his karate or games and stuff on my behalf. I have a lot to occupy my time. I'm perfectly fine alone and much better on crutches for bathroom breaks. I feel like I've temporarily turned everyones lives upside down. Won't hurt the kids to pitch in more... Lol

Tomorrow I get my stitches out and recast or whatever. Kinda excited and nervous. Hope it doesn't hurt too much. I also have OB appt. I'm anxious as this is my first since I fell... I wonder how they are going to weigh me? Or how I'm going to get that pee sample. Those cups they keep way high.

Emotional

2010-08-03T23:59:00.000-04:00

I know I should be excited when Kirby comes home, but it just makes me depressed. I hate seeing him wait on me hand and foot- yet without him I would go thirsty and hungry and wear the same clothes all week. I probably would have fallen all wobbly on those crutches, too (and broke something else). The problem is I am weak.

He has been doing laundry, dishes, even picking out my clothes... everything. Everything I should be doing. Plus everything the care of me requires. My dropped chapstick, adjusting the pillows under my leg- the list continues endlessly. I hate to be so dependent. I feel like such a burden. I'm afraid of asking too much because I know my basic needs are many as it is.

This injury really can make a person wonder if the trouble is worth it. I'm certaintly not productive or pulling my weight.

I know I'm emotional as it is being pregnant and all that goes along with it. I cried a ridiculous amount today- over everything.

I'm sure I look awful; I feel awful, ugh. I can't ask for more. I'm afraid enough will be enough and I have a ways to go with this frankenankle... And our baby that will arrive before I'm walking. Did I mention I'm a little freaked about giving birth this way?

Speaking of baby- the little guy is squishing my bladder. It's very painful to get up with all the blood rushing down and the pressure and stuff so I must end this and start the process.

Lappie Pooped On Me

2010-08-02T21:07:00.000-04:00

Last time I tried to make a blog via this fancy phone from my work- it didn't work. Something is wrong with lappie so she won't turn on. I could go upstairs to my pc that is 10 years old (okay closer to 9)... But yah that aint happening w/ a broke ankle.

This really bites a little. I'm anxious to get my lazy butt off the couch. Oh well I have my baby shower coming up to keep me occupied. I don't think that is good distraction cuz its being thrown here and I can't clean! Well... I could clean off the couch I'm laying on.

Crutches suck. As I said before its love/hate and my good leg burns from doing all the work. I will have one sexay leg when I'm better. I'm thinking the more armpit hair I grow the more padding, but that is just icky. Also my palms hurt. Ugh. Can't go pee every 5 minutes with out them!! Crutches win. Sigh.

Creating Frankenankle

2010-07-29T20:02:00.003-04:00

Yes, that is what I nicknamed my poor pathetic ankle- for those that didn't catch on. Because of the special hardware that is now helping hold it together.

Surgery Monday went really well. Of course this blog is delayed because I am not very mobile and can't always get on my computer. Kirby made it so I can access it, but I can't sit very comfortable for very long so my time is limited.

ANYHOO- because of the risk of complications I had to be awake for my surgery. Pretty scary. I asked more than once if I could have headphones... I wanted to be sure I didn't hear any "sounds" Like surgery sounds. I'm a big wimp.

BTW- for the record... I hate needles. You get poked a lot before you have surgery.

My anesthesiologist was great! He gave me a sedative- or as the nurse called it: "I don't care medicine" in my IV. I had a spinal. It was a much better experience than when I had Gwyneth. I felt the stinging shot from the numbing medicine, but don't remember the actual spinal needle like I do with her. In fact I remember part way through the surgery if they were going to get started. My legs felt really warm and cozy- no ache. I didn't have to pee as bad as I did before. So I WAS awake, but I was totally out of it. I remember talking around me, but couldn't tell you what was said. I remember looking up and around and seeing people and lights... thinking this didn't look like an operating room. I napped through most of it. I didn't get my headphones, but being as incoherent as I was- that was ok!

When they told me it was over I kept asking about my baby. I wasn't satisfied until the nurse came in and I could hear the little heartbeat myself! I had some feelings in my hands and I put them on my belly and felt him move that way before I could actually feel him move on the inside. It was weird- feeling my own baby move just by my hands and not on the inside. Baby was great and not affected much. I was pretty out for a long time.

They gave me morphine when the spinal wore off. The ride home was the most painful thing I ever had to endure. My toes were purple. It was all I could do to get home and get my leg up...

Good news was they only had to do one side of my ankle with plate and screws. I don't remember why... but apparently the way I broke it the other side will heal okay without the hardware holding it together.

So anyway that is the jist of my surgery experience. I really really missed the kids... I can't wait to see them. Okay before I get all sappy and teary eyed like my pregnant self is I'd better finish this up.

Next time we'll discuss crutches and how bad they suck, and how bad it would suck with out them. We have a love hate relationship. Especially my bruised armpits and hands...

Broken

2010-07-27T19:20:00.004-04:00

Where to even begin? I'm sitting here laid up with my frakenankle. Yup, that is what I have.

So Sunday I was going to visit some family that live out of town. I had my purse, pillow (for my belly), and phone. I started my car and saw one of out neighbors unloading their trunk and wondered if I locked the door. I never check our door. But for whatever reason compelled me to do so would be the decision that now has me laid up.

So anyway I don't know exactly how it happened. I must have had my foot on the edge of the walk and rocks or something. Either way- I lost my footing. I stumbled into the rocks to balance myself on the side of the house. This was probably a matter of seconds... I remember thinking 'I'm glad no one is out to see me walk afool.' Then before I knew it I realized there was no avoiding going down. As instinct- I made sure to avoid hitting my belly when I fell. I heard this distinctive "POP pop pop" and thought 'I broke it!' Then I thought, 'no it was the rocks hitting the side of the house.' My ankle did hurt pretty bad. I knew I at least sprained it. So before I started to get up I did a once over on the belly and felt the baby. 'Okay, I didn't land on my belly...' My foot definitely hurt. I was swollen already and figured I sprained it. I would hobble to my car, turn off the engine, and go back inside and put my feet up. Oh gosh it hurt so bad! I tried to get up and I couldn't move it. I looked down and it looked funny.

I called for help a couple times, feebly hoping the neighbor on the other side of me would hear, but no one heard me. I was starting to freak out a little as I was in direct sun on the hot walk with my car running unable to move. Thank God I had my phone! I called 911 for the first time. They sent an ambulance. I then calmed down enough to get them to let me go so I could call Kirby. Of course my hysterics revived and I was in sooo much pain! Kirby got there right when the ambulance did. He may have been a little freaked, even with my assurances the baby was okay- I clearly was not. That was the first time I rode in an ambulance. It was not that much fun- not like the movies. Not that I figured it would be, but I guess I never pictured myself in one before.

X-rays are the worst. I won't even elaborate because if you've never had a broken bone x-rayed there really is no way to describe it. I wouldn't have known, nor do I ever wish to know again.

So the verdict is: broke both sides of my left ankle. I had to get surgery- plate and screws (hence the nick name frankenankle). Not the best situation for an already miserable pregnant lady...

Until the throbbing stops....

ps- on the flip side my "good" foot is no longer swollen. Probably because I haven't hardly walked on it in the last 3 days...

Last Day Of Work

2010-07-23T13:11:00.002-04:00

Not forever though, but until I have this baby and have to (begrudgingly) return to the grind.

I wouldn't mind the grind so much except the "union" took over at my place of employment. I would not recommend union to anyone, but really if you work for a place that has it- you have no choice. Besides short changing me on a 'raise' and creating shift bids (which ironically changed my crappy hours into even crappier hours- 3 to midnight), they have done nothing for me. I feel cheated. Of course maybe if I had been there for 10 years I'd've gotten a big fatty raise and super great hours....

I may also not be as cranky if I weren't sporting shoes that feel 2 sizes too small due to swelling in my pregnancy.

Anyway that complaint is for another day. I'm fighting with the disability people currently. Apparently a DR's note is not enough to for them to follow. Never mind he has years and years of schooling, makes a crap ton of money for what he knows and does, and has been practicing for a ridiculous amount of time with hundreds upon hundreds of ladies in my condition. They have to undermine his authority over my health. It has been a pain with them to reduce my hours per my DR's request (they denied it) and certainly not enough to get me off of work when I clearly have problems. Am I the worst pregnant lady on the block? By all means, no. But that doesn't mean I want to strain myself and stress myself out until I AM the worst pregnant lady on the block. I have #1 to take care of. That would be me, as I'm the sole provider for my baby's well being while he's baking in my oven. So that company can- well I'll save it for if they decide to deny me again. No need to get my blood pressure up thinking about them.

Of course now it's off to get ready for work. I really do like my job... I just don't like the stress. I guess no one likes stress...

ps I know I'd've isn't proper grammar, but it sure does make an awesome contraction, right?

Work, Pregnancy, and Heat

2010-07-18T10:26:00.003-04:00

It really doesn't matter what order you put those words in, they don't go together at all. 6 weeks left (give or take, hopefully take) till I can meet my little guy. The anticipation is growing. Every little cramp I'm asking if it's going to get worse so I can begin the process of having this baby... Obviously I'm still giant with no baby in tow. Ugh I need to get some tums- brb.

Okay I'm back. Gotta love heartburn. At least I didn't wake up choking on my stomach acid (I sleep practically sitting up). I have tropical flavor store brand tums and I don't like the red ones.

ANYWAY I'm really po'd at my work... I've debated if I'm mad enough to complain over the Internet about them. After all, complaining via blog IS my forte. It's not slander if it's the truth, right? My daughter, who just turned 8 yesterday (Happy Birthday Gwynnie!), told me if I don't like it to just quit. Oh, honey, if only it were that easy.

I'm trying to teach her (and all the kids) responsibility. Like pick up your charger that the cat keeps chewing on... "oh yeah mom I will" Well she didn't and the cat chewed a little hole in it. I have picked it up (okay, Kirby did cuz I can't really bend down) and "put it away" where the cat can't shock himself. He is old after all... We'll see how long it takes her to ask for it when the electronic is dead. Lets see if I remembered where I put it away, too. She lost her DS, also. I don't even know how many times I've wasted breath telling her to put it away in her puppy purse in her dresser drawer... She asked me yesterday if I was looking for it. Um, it's your DS, you should look for it.

She is about as scatterbrained as I am when it comes to stuff (I've learned my lesson enough times; I haven't locked my keys in my car for a few years, for example). Maybe someday she'll get it.

August 2001

2010-07-14T20:31:00.004-04:00

Almost 9 years ago I wrote a poem. I've had the same email for probably 11 years. I apparently made a "saved letters" folder with email that for whatever reason meant a lot to me. I found this poem I wrote, no title, saved to myself on August 20, 2001. I found it interesting and thought I would share with the world. I wonder what struggles were going on in my life that fall almost 9 years ago?

The back of my head aches,

from the pounding of your shoes.

I can't stop thinking of you.

You're driving me into a whirlwind of confusion.

The way you constantly play in my mind,

conceiving a forbidden love.

The love that only comes once in a life.

Soul partners,

separated by conviction.

Lovers longing for another,

apart by integrity for one another.

Lonesome hearts broken from the pitiful restrain.

Many hearts have been hardened by the refrain.

She loves him,

and he,

her,

but infidelity is only one lustful touch away.

Excitement and visions chase me.

Energy curls around my body,

delicately caressing the sweetness of my skin.

I helplessly gaze on in my mind,

watching his body tense up when he sees me.

His soft curves.

We know what me must do.

We know our obligations.

So we must part,

like the summer sun leaves a scorching day.

Like the warmth of the night cools.

A still lit candles' burning fades,

but our secret,

untouched innocent love will not.

Okay- not quite a month later

2010-07-11T22:18:00.002-04:00

yeah... it's been a while; I promised myself last blog I wouldn't let so much time pass w/o visiting.

I'm still pregnant. It's hard to get on the computer. Not because I don't have time, but because of my new found largeness has prevented me from lap topping it comfortably. I seem to be of a kind of lazy that all I want to do is lay and get my feet up. If only I had some bon bon's!

I now weigh 170 lbs! Yikes!! That is as much as my sexy husband. I don't have quite the physique. I suppose that is a good thing.

Lets see- It's hard work helping create life inside me. I have to change my clothes quite often. I don't know how, but things always manage to spill on myself. I ate the other day with the napkin tucked in my shirt like a lobster bib and of course where do I spill food??? Right on the edge! Never mind half the stuff is below the horizon where I can't see until I walk in front of a mirror! I happen to be a little clumsy and absent minded. My toes needed painted. I don't tie my shoes anymore. In fact, that barefoot and pregnant saying sounds awful good about now. Oh and why do the mosquitoes always want to bite my feet where I can't reach?

Of course I have my normal ailments, heartburn, swelling, tired, hormonal... Still having random cravings... but those are all boring compared to my subconscious ways of finding snacks for later (i.e. spilling food on myself all the time)

never posted

2010-06-14T22:13:00.002-04:00

I tried like 3 times the last couple weeks to post a blog, but apparently it never posted... I don't have time to make an interesting one with little diddies of all the air headed things I do. Sorry I haven't been keeping up. I am losing my lap and since I put lappie on my lap I find it difficult to be on here as much as I used to.
So I tried to sign up with my blackberry, but obviously with my lack of blogs you can see how that's turned out so far... I'll have to keep trying.

I'm in the 3rd trimester and I am a mini giant. I can't wait to see the baby!! He still tickles sometimes, but is definitely getting stronger. I seriously need a latte, but it's so late I know I'll be paying for it later... ugh.

Well I've got to get off of here and put my little sausage rolls up. Er I mean my piggies.

Infections

2010-04-19T22:24:00.005-04:00

There are several things on my mind tonight. Many touchy... I pondered blogging at all because of certain eyes I know that view my blog or may communicate about my blog. They may have issues with me stepping on their toes. But you know what? My toes have been stepped on.

I don't usually go out and blog to hurt people's feelings- actually that has never been my intention. Though it's happened before. This is an online diary, open to the public. It's just me displaying parts of me to the world- or at least a very small portion (whoever bother's to read)- when I feel the desire.

So this blog, I'm sorry, is going to probably remain pretty vague in specific detail. If you can pull something out of it, then great! I can't say what I really want to say, but I think I can say enough to get it out of my system.

Someone made the pregnant lady cry. That would be me that was shedding tears. I knew at some point I would have to deal with these feelings I have inside of me now because I know the subject of the matter. It's been heavy on my mind for months. I can't blame myself for being overly hormonal and crying out.

The thing is- I'm non-confrontational for the most part, when it comes down to it I have been known to "instigate" and do what needs to be done. Say what I need to say and deal with it. There is just one confrontation I haven't figured how to deal with. Something needs to be said, but how do I say it? On top of that I've allowed it to go on so long in my life, that wouldn't it be kind of imprudent for me to bother with it now?

Should I continue to bite my tongue and let things be? Why?? I won't see an improvement sitting idle. I have to deal with questions from certain people. What would anyone have to gain from me holding back, besides that I won't upset someone?

If someone has a problem we need to know we have a problem before we'll try to improve, right? I know what I need to say will fall on deaf ears. I know the subject and the subject matter. I know it because the stubbornness. I've seen the cycle. I've been the one hurting and I've seen others hurting. I've seen the subject hurting.

The unwillingness to admit that sometimes we're wrong. That pride gets in the way. I know because I hate to think of myself as being wrong, but I know I have been. It is a hard pill to swallow. Especially when we feel we're the ones that have been wronged. When we think we're the victim.

We can't always be the victim! We are not ALWAYS right. We can't rely on others for our happiness. We can't rely on things to make us happy. We shouldn't try to escape our reality and shut ourselves from the world! There are cold days, but not every day is a cold day. We all have bad days and carry our little storm cloud. Not everyone does everything intentionally to hurt us. Sometimes we hurt people and don't even know it. Sometimes doing what needs to be done will hurt those around us, but it still has to get done. We all have to realize that.

There is a point where we have to take responsibility for this life and all that goes with it. Sometimes we have to "be the bigger person" when we don't want to be. We have to be the better person when we shouldn't. We have to say we're sorry when we know we have no reason to apologize. We have to agree to disagree. Hug those that hurt us and try to rebuild those relationships. Forgive when we don't want to. We can't allow what other people do and say to infect our souls.

We need to make a choice, a decision, to not dwell on our transgressors and the transgressions against us. Let's not let things blow out of proportion. Lets not over think our aches and pain. Let's not let that pain grow and fever. Everyone has a moment of weakness. Let's not allow other's weakness interfere with our happiness.

But for our pride and our stubbornness- would one risk losing the ones we love? Families are close nit. Families fight probably more than strangers. We know each other the best. We hurt each other the worst, but as a family we have to get over it. We have to forgive, even if we don't feel the other person deserves it. We need to strive to forget. Rebuild those relationships, be the one to open the door first.

Put away our crutches and open our hearts. Love unconditionally. Love when it's hard. Allow those that hurt us to love us. Let the ones that we feel wronged us try to make it right. Allow things that happened in the past stay in the past. Look to the future. See the good, look for it, ask for it.

Anticipation

2010-04-15T15:34:00.003-04:00

Not that I have hyped it up here, but I did on my face book. Boy or Girl? Girl or Boy? Little Mr or Little Miss?

I know some people like to wait, but I am not a very patient person. If I don't have to go through the anticipation inquiring minds want to know!

I want to know what theme to pick out, what clothes to look at, and to imagine my future.

Now, thanks to technology and a baby that isn't shy- I can imagine my future. Of course I was in love with this baby before I knew what the sex was. I alternated between he and she and sometimes "it." I wondered if I felt dancing moves or karate kicks (not to insinuate that either are gender specific).

SOoo... I had to get a couple things at the store. It was exciting to be able to browse through outfits sleepers, shoes, and things that were not gender neutral. I of course, found the most adorable little outfit ever! I got it. I had my purchases and was at the check out and realized I didn't have my debit card. I told they guy before he rang me up. I asked if he wanted me to put the stuff away. Then I told him never mind because I would get my card and come back. He made a joke about needing toilet paper (that was on my list). I was like "yah gotta have the tp." THEN I realized that I had my check book. The lady in front of me was laughing. So I had to explain myself- I'm sure that went over well. "I"m pregnant and my head is not screwed on right...." I'm sure my face was red, but I'm sure it just looked like a glow.

In the mean time, I guess I shouldn't leave you hanging- so what suggestions do you have for a theme? dinosaurs? jungle animals? airplanes (I thought that was interesting)? Computer/geek? I'm open for suggestions. No Winnie the Pooh, not interested in "sports" either. LOL. All I gotta say is I told Kirby if he gave me a boy he'd better be a Chinese/Asian boy. They are so darned cute! Think he will hold up on his end of the bargain?

Absentminded- what??

2010-04-11T22:07:00.003-04:00

"They" say absentmindedness is a part of pregnancy. I wonder if that includes putting salt, pepper, cooking oil, and cereal in the fridge (not in the same day)? Or maybe it is like the time a week ago I put salad in the kitchen drawer... Or when I had the salt shaker in my hand and turned the knob of a door and dumped it all over the floor. Maybe it was when I was pouring sugar in a measuring cup and accidentally dumped half the container out... Or maybe it was when I meant to eat my cereal, but ate the kid's insead. Do you see a trend? It all has to do with food.

I discovered the same hormones that cause the beautiful pregnant glow- also increases oil production in your skin and that can cause acne. I don't have a glow- I have a shine. A bumpy shine, to be specific.

Well besides feeling a little larger for what I think I should be (19 weeks today) for the most part I'm feeling great (as far as being pregnant can make you feel). The baby is moving and bouncing a lot lately that I can feel. Kirby loves to kiss my belly, rub it, and feel baby move, too. It's so great.

This week we will find out if it's a little missus or mister. What do you think it is going to be??? Well I'm hungry. Lets hope I can leave the kitchen in one piece this time.

NLP ruined my day

2010-03-30T21:39:00.002-04:00

That would be the fort's very own Next Level Productions- which is a giant bowl of ca ca. I had an interview with them last summer when I was job hunting. The way the guy explained the business was they are a marketing company and he named off a few businesses that he worked with. I was under the impression they helped market the local businesses. ya know- cuz he said they were a marketing company.

I honestly thought they helped design logos, slogans, or push products- such as negotiating with local Wal-Mart for shelf space... that type of thing.

I didn't get the customer service job I had anticipated last summer. Well that was okay because I am working for another company that has their faults, but all in all are a pretty good company. With that said I found an opening online and submitted my resume into the company. Nothing against my current business, but I thought I would have more opportunity, etc. It was for a "Public Relations Leader" for customer service...

Specifically (and I am copy and pasting this right from the email I rec'd)

"NLP assists large companies in the Consumer Products and Sports industries with high end marketing promotions. We are looking to fill key job openings throughout both industries at various levels with training starting at entry-level.

If you are interested in Management, Marketing, Public Relations, and working in the highly competitive Marketing Industry, this is the job for you! Requirements JOB REQUIREMENTS

ALL POSITIONS ARE ENTRY-LEVEL SO CANDIDATES MUST BE WILLING TO TRAIN FROM THE BOTTOM-UP!

Candidates Must work well under pressure in a extremely fast paced environment
Possess Excellent Customer Service Skills
Self Motivation A Must
Candidates Must Possess Excellent Communication, Organizational and Interpersonal Skills"

So sounds pretty good, but at the same time very vague. So I go for another interview and I get the same impression from the manager about the company. He is looking for someone to work in public relations/customer service. I would at times go to local businesses to make presentations of NLP's services. Okay- so I'm thinking I go to businesses and tell them what we do and how we can help market their products or boost their services... Right.

He gave me an average pay range and offered to allow me to do a working interview. Basically shadow someone for a day to get to know the ins and outs of the business and see if it's going to be a good fit.

WELL, WELL, well.

If he had said- 'we sell junk out of the trunks of our cars and you're going to hang out with a guy that smokes 2 packs of cigarettes a day and doesn't stop for lunch. This foul mouthed associate will show you that we cold call on hair salons, vfw's, bars, and any other run down little mom and pop shop barely making it to solicit our wares- such as crappy light up bunny ears, cheap bbq sets, and bedsheets. Oh your pay is commission ONLY...' I think I would have known right then that the job wouldn't be for me. Not at all the impression he had given me.

My day sucked, ROYALLY. I know the working interview was to help me make an educated decision, and while I appreciate they at least let people see what they're getting themselves into- had he not been deceptive in the interview and what the company actually does I would have known without wasting my entire day that I didn't want to do it.

The thing is- we prospected in Peru, IN- about an friggin hour away. Really- for a working interview we could have prospected a couple places in our local area. THEN if I wanted to move onto where they really wanted to go I could.... or I could decline and not waste 9 hours of my life.

I would never EVER sell cheap Dale Earnhardt Jr sunglasses, crappy dancing bunnies, fish candles, sets or ANY of the sh*t he had to offer. I certainly wouldn't pester people that are trying to make an honest living. I felt like a dirty peddler.

Furthermore- I won't even go into the fact how horrible it was for me to be pregnant and not eat or drink all day. I asked lots of people to pray for the health of this baby because I was inhaling sooo much smoke. I can tolerate a cigarette or two. But I don't think I had a breath of fresh air today. My eyes are still burning and red and my nose- I shoved Vaseline up it to help with the dryness, but I can't get the smokey smell out of my nostrils.

Don't get me wrong- I have some family and friends that are smokers... I honestly think that most of them are respectful of non-smokers and preggies- but this guy has a serious chain smoking problem and doesn't care for anyone, but himself. I can't even think of all the blatant lies he told people. Sometimes his lies (about products, what he's selling, pricing, etc) were so on top of each other he contradicted himself. ugh.

Glad this day is over and you're probably glad I'm done blogging about it.

risks...

2010-03-17T22:01:00.003-04:00

So I totally had a couple airhead moments at work. But I really can't say what I did because when I first wrote it down it wasn't funny. Don't you hate that? It's like when you have an awesome dream and when you start to tell someone you find out that it really isn't that awesome when you put it into words.

My brain is awesome. I wish we could record some of the stuff that goes through it. Do you ever think in pictures? I do.

I'm feeling great. I've had some crampy stuff, but over all we are still good. I think I'm getting bigger. I "feel" it. I keep thinking- I can't get much bigger, right? Then I remember that I have like 6 1/2 more months of this.

I really like mashed potatoes.

I had a company that wanted to interview me and after some good face book advice (I thought who would hire a pregnant lady? I know companies can't not hire me because of discrimination, but with that said who is going to hire someone that is only going to be there a few months and then be off for a month and a half?) I decided to call them back and schedule it.

Well turns out that I did interview with them... One of the 16 plus places I interviewed with over the summer. She said she would look into it and get back with me... I'm still waiting. poo on them.

I had another company that wanted to interview me and I called them and they said they can only do them tomorrow. Well I'm kind of working tomorrow and that place is a stickler for attendance (so I can't miss work). Of course if I knew I had the job I wouldn't worry. So what to do? Risk my current job for something else I don't even know? I would like to take the risk, but at the same time I don't think I can handle the risk if the consequences are dire. By "dire" I mean fire-d.

Hormones

2010-03-11T15:47:00.003-05:00

ugh- I am feeling more hormonal than I have since last time I was hormonal. I read some stupid forward email my grandma sent me. It made me cry. I'm sitting here sniffling at this silly email and my kids are going to be home from school any minute. They'll probably think I'm a nut. That is if they don't already. I'm sure this pregnancy will do it for them. I can't believe you just said that!

Anyway the best news- Kirby and I got to hear our baby's heartbeat. It was awesome. I love it. Not that there were ever any doubts about being pregnant, but it's comforting to hear it and know it's there. I've been feeling the baby move here and there, fluttering around in my belly. Now if only I can stop the horrible stomachaches and cramping things will be perfect! I guess that's not too bad, I could always have some other grievance. Knowing me I'm sure I would. I find that I tend to complain a lot. I am working on it tho!

That is why I decided not to blog what I originally wanted to. I'm really peeved at my controlling boss man... I was going to give him an earful- through my blog of course, but I won't let that controller ruin my good day (so I'll let him off the blook)!

Blook was short for blog hook.

Gwyn has a 2ND grade concert thingie and I'm really looking forward to it. I know she's been excited. As soon as homework is finished I'm going to fix her hair up. She wants me to straighten it.

"The List"

2010-03-06T11:16:00.002-05:00

Kirby said the other day I should just make him a list of everything I've been craving- since it varies from day to day... Hmm where to start? I'll mark the stuff I have gotten with a :), but that doesn't mean I wouldn't want a replay.

chicken strip basket from DQ (with the Texas toast and gravy)- :)
Mashed potatoes and gravy - real ones. :)
thin mints :)
pickles :)
crackers- like cheese its
enchiladas :)
chalupa from taco bell :)
shrimp :)
sauteed mushrooms :)
macaroni and cheese :)
three cheese chicken penne from applebees
sand which with tomato, emphasis on the tomato any kind of sandwich :)
lunch meat sandwich- like turkey, lettuce, tomato, mayo or mustard
bread sticks :)
strawberry cake with strawberry icing
Crab Rangoon
Chinese :)
"something hearty"
Kirby's home made yogurt- minus the fruit chunks
cool whip :) (I had it with my jello)
pumpkin pie
jello :)
asparagus
corn dog
McDonald's breakfast

That is all I can think of for now that has been on my mind. Yeah I'll eat pretty much anything if it sounds good at the moment. I'm sure there will be more. Listing all that kind of made me hungry.

Here are some stuff that I DON'T want.

"my usual's"
ground beef- like all mushed
hamburger helper
the bottom of lasagna (where the ground beef usually is)
pizza with hamburger
sloppy joes
dirty rice

Fe-blah-urary

2010-02-25T21:59:00.002-05:00

ugh. I sit here. I want to blog, but even my regular word vomit doesn't want to spill out. It's like I have so much to say, but nothing really comes out. Not even my pointless blabber.

I'm feeling a little pointless recently. I want some Taco Bell. My Chaluuupa!

Twenty –three years

2010-02-20T21:35:00.002-05:00

This is very personal from Joe, but every time I read it, it moves me. Really makes you think. Thank you Joe for giving me permission to share these personal feelings of yours on my blog.

Twenty –three years: nearly a quarter of a century comes to end with a few scratches of a pen; possibly a question from the judge; maybe the banging of a gavel. It’s over, just like that. A new chapter, perhaps even a new book starts with a new title for the main character: Respondent. Just like that, I cease to be lover, companion, husband and spouse even Joe, Honey or Dear. Well, there is another title but I am not so proud of that one: ex. That carries a connotation of failure and I am a stranger to failure. The one title that doesn’t change, however, is that of parent, father, dad and even daddy when the need arises, although I prefer pops or poppa.

Twenty-three years: over and done with. It’s now you and me. I could humanize you and reveal your name but as long as I refer to you as You, She and Her, it’s not personal. That’s how we ended it you realize: nothing personal just business; negotiations over the phone; taking notes; more compromise during those last few days than the last 5 years.

Twenty-three years; more than half my life with the same someone; there’s no more us or ours; simply yours, mine; mostly yours now. It didn’t just end because my socks were always in the middle of the floor—they weren’t—or because you didn’t cook dinner—you didn’t, I did. Somewhere along the way, the look that could cause my heart to skip a beat turned into one that could crack granite and freeze water. Somewhere along the way the times I couldn’t breathe because you took my breath away with a kiss or entered the room turned into I couldn’t breathe because you made me so angry and I had to hold my tongue because I could only spew hate and venom. Somewhere along the way the lips I longed to kiss and dreamed of whenever I was away ceased to say things that were sweet and charming and began to utter words that were bitter, and angry; that hurt and cut my feelings to the core.

Twenty-three years: over and done with. I can’t pinpoint one moment in time where it went wrong but if I choose, I can divulge several moments where I consciously decided I was done begging for your affection; I was done trying to forgive you; I was done worrying about what made you happy. When I began to care more for not making you angry than making you happy, I knew things had changed. Some line had been crossed and I don’t even know where or when it was crossed. I don’t even have to try to recall moments when I realized you quit trying to make our house a home; moments when I ceased to be your husband and became your indentured servant; moments when I realized I was no longer a partner to fulfill a mutual dream and just a direct deposit so you could maintain your standard of living.

Twenty-three years: brought to a conclusion neither one of us ever envisioned nearly a quarter century ago. We didn’t forgive. We didn’t forget. We chose I and me over Us. We quit. We quit each other. And quitters never win.

Be Careful What You Ask For

2010-02-16T21:55:00.002-05:00

Before you read this blog, please keep in mind I am not the author. You may be able to tell that by the eloquent writing because you know I just tend to word splatter whatever is on my mind. This is actually written by my very own Uncle. I've read several letters and tid bits that are blog worthy and a couple of his friends and I persisted he write something. With his permission I post this first one for you, from Joe:

You’ve asked me to Blog. Whatever for? The things that I say are my own. I don’t expect you or anyone else for that matter to give so much as inkling that you for at some moment in time really care about what I have to say. I choose to express myself because I have something to say.

I don’t want to convince you of anything; I have nothing to sell; the only thing I offer up is a bit of me. I’m not here for your entertainment. Quite frankly, I’m not so certain that I even care if you are moved to action or indifference. Your acceptance or rejection of what I convey isn’t going to put bread on my table or milk in my refrigerator.

If I choose of my own free will to do this, I will be sacrificing a piece of me with each and every word. I am not capable of putting words to paper or screen as the case may be without pouring myself into the page or onto the screen. In essence, I give birth to these thoughts and ideas that you find so moving. I am giving you a piece of me that I can never take back. I put myself at your mercy and wait for your judgment but I don’t need your approval.

This is all about words; the conveyance of ideas. We’ve all been given the same 26 letters to build, shape and convey our words, thoughts, and even our fears. It’s how we choose to arrange those letters that have the power to move our hearts in sorrow stir our bodies to action or elevate our spirits in thanksgiving or gratitude. Perhaps that is what you seek; someone who can reach out through time and space and slap your brain from its slumber and awaken it to the great possibilities that exist.

You perceive that I have this mastery over 26 insignificant little symbols and the combinations in which I choose to arrange them. You are moved. You find significance in how I have chosen to build my world and convey my thoughts. These ideas exist only in space. There’s really no substance there; nothing tangible to wrap you hands around; nothing to taste, feel or admire. Yet, possibly you find comfort in the thought that you are not alone and another feels the same way as you. Then again perhaps you feel superior because my thoughts are different, they fail to touch you and you are comfortable with the way you currently think and feel,

I understand that words are powerful. They can be used to incite the masses to rebellion or calm a terrified nation in times of crisis. If I could, I would choose to challenge you; arouse you and even awaken you to look within yourself and determine why you are enchanted with the architecture of my ideas and to build your own.

Working Mom's VS SAHM

2010-02-12T21:20:00.004-05:00

This is probably going to make you mad, but I have a little rant to get off my chest. It is about SAHM vs Working Moms- as per title. Yes, it's a touchy subject. So if you don't agree then don't read it. That and I may be a little unreasonable as I have raging pregnant hormones inside me.

I've been a mom for a while now. I have never had the privelege of being a SAHM (Stay At Home Mother) except for the 5 months I was out of work. With that 5 months I feel I can rightfully pass judgement while my hormones are going wild and I'm feeling irritated.

SOO- What I can't comprehend is how SAHM's think their jobs are so much harder than those that work 40 hours (or more as currently I'm on mandated OT). I've heard though the years how it's so much more exhausting, they have so much more work to do, etc, blah, blah.

Okay I work all day and when I come home I have to do the laundry, dishes, cooking (well Kirby cooks a lot because I'm not very good at it), dusting, vacuuming, and check homework. I take care of owie's, fighting, find missing items children didn't put away. I also have to find time to do my errands, pay bills, clip coupons, feed the pets, go to the bank, ugh- grocery shopping. We get showers done, play taxi for friends, and still manage to find quality time with them, such as games. Oh people that know me, yes my children do chores, but I still have to direct them correctly, help them, teach them how to do stuff.

So yeah that last paragraph was really boring with me rambling blah, blah, blah. The point I'm making is I feel I do just as much as a SAHM, in fact possibly more because on top of my work schedule I have to find time for all that normal, daily stuff (refer to previous boring paragraph). Just because I work doesn't mean the house doesn't get messy. Everything that needs done isn't going to magically work itself out. Plus I have to fine my "me" time, too!

So if you are a SAHM please help me understand why staying home is so much harder than working?

With all that said I would love to drop to part time work or have the opportunity to be SAHM. But I know I can't. So maybe I'm a little jealous. BUT like this past summer I think I would get bored after a while probably.

Okay I'm going to go do something fun and calm myself down. You have a good day.

Schmuperbowl

2010-02-07T21:34:00.003-05:00

That's right. I'm not a football fan. If you've seen one game you've seen them all. BUT with that said I wouldn't be a real American if I wasn't subjected to watching this big thingie once a year (if I'm not at work or otherwise engaged).

So with that said I think the Saints have the prettier uniforms and it would be very cool for them to win their first Superbowl. (There is 1.27 as I write this so we'll know who won by time I'm finished probably). And with that said as much as I'm sick of seeing blue everywhere (it's really not my shade), I think it would be a great boost to our immediate economy if the Colts win.

So at any rate I did enjoy the half time show. The only one that comes to mind is the "artist formally known as" Prince and this giant sheets. I didn't have the privilege of the wardrobe incident with Janet Jackson... but I think The Who were pretty good... For a bunch of grandpas jamming out the light show they had was friggin awesome.

Now with all that rambly I read one of my other blogs and I really think that pickle I mentioned sounds good. So I think I am going to get one. Oh BTW the game still isn't over, but it looks like the Saints have it.

ps, I really hate when people say "toodles" Ugh.

Ready, set, GROUNDHOG

2010-02-01T22:22:00.003-05:00

I'm so ready for spring. I hope that little guy does what ever he's supposed to do so that spring can come early this year!!

-I- have been doing great. I have managed to mostly not deal with the morning nauseousness as much as I was. It really depends if I just ate and if that is what the body wanted. I am at about 9 weeks now so my baby is about an inch and a half big. I used a chap stick to demonstrate to the family how big our baby was.

Gwyn said I was getting fat. I told her it's not fat, it's a baby bump. So she told me I was getting a baby bump. *sigh* Thanks. I'm not ready for the big belly yet.

Also something hilarious with her- She had been pestering me a couple weeks ago how babies come out. I was not ready for this question so I avoided it at all costs and Kirby deflected her answers by distraction. Finally she cornered me. So I went all technical with "birth canal" and she was like- "yah, but where do they come out at?"

So I tell her the birth canal is... kinda where your privates are. She stopped me as soon as I said "privates" and told me I should wait until she is an adult before telling her anything else. She hasn't asked me any other sticky questions since.

At least by now I have time to think of a good answer fit for her. I still haven't thought of any...

Ugh...

2010-01-20T21:07:00.004-05:00

I have not been on here because being a full time working mo fo is catching up with me. I really just wanted to say "mo fo" Sounds so bad. Like I'm really cool or something.

Anyway I'll fill you in on what's been going on. As you know I've got a bun baking and I am very excited! However- being pregnant really sucks.

For example: I got a cold on the 28th of December and it felt like I was never going to get over it. I don't remember the last time I felt that miserable or had been sick for that long. It really does make a difference when you can take a some generic NyQuil OR when you have to just suffer. BUT for baby's health I refrained from taking any OTC. I did, however develop a sinus infection and had to get antibiotics. Hope baby isn't mad at me for that and developing another middle finger.

So- from being sick I missed a Saturday of working and I didn't know about this ridiculous rule: If you miss a weekend day you are mandated to make it up on your next weekend day off. Who cares if you have other obligations!! Soo.. because I "need" my job the company can pretty much do whatever they want. It wouldn't have mattered if I knew about that rule or not. I was sicker than a dog (although I have never really seen any sick dogs in my life). But I'm still mad because I am spoiled in getting my weekends off and now I can never make any plans.

Now Kirby and Gavin have gotten "the sickness" (as I've dubbed it). They seem to be doing okay because they have been keeping up on medicine. :) Thank goodness.

What else has happened? Oh my pants are getting tight. I'm not ready for THAT!

And.... I spend the first portion of my days feeling half queasy. No morning sickness. I call it morning semi-nauseousness.

I know it sounds like all I'm doing is complaining, but really, I'm doing pretty good... I could really eat some thin mints. Mmm. ...and a pickle.

Rigging the Game

2010-01-06T22:33:00.002-05:00

We have this party game called "Say Anything" The kids love it. It is this game where you go around the table each person asks a question and everyone writes an answer down. Then the question asker votes on which answer they like the best. Then all the answerers get two votes to choose the answer they think the asker is going to choose. If you really want to know more I suggest you visit this site: http://www.boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/33604/say-anything

I played the other night with friends and found a creative way to tell my news to them. The fun in telling and element of surprise was so well received we thought we'd do something similar with the children. We got them all together and Kirby asked the question and I put in the right answer. Of course it was rigged, how else could we make a creative announcement to the children that they are going to be big brothers and a big sister?

It took them a while to understand what we were talking about... but in the end the thoughts sank in. We had 2 requests for a girl and one undecided.

Vapo on the - feet

2010-01-04T22:29:00.002-05:00

That is right. I tried it. My coughing has become so horrible. I heard this rumor and I tried it. End result for me: didn't work (even though a lot of people swear by it). It did, however, make my feet very soft and supple.

SO- I have been officially sick for over a week. This sucks monkey. Every time I think I'm feeling better I take a turn for the worst. Honestly at this point, I think that I am on the road to recovery.

ANYWAY, what are your new year resolutions? Mine is simply to get over this cold. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to accomplish it. I don't normally make resolutions, but I found this one is worth it.

God's Humor

2009-12-29T23:16:00.003-05:00

God has a good humor. Do you know how I know? Because when I started my new schedule for work I was to have Friday and Saturday's off, but working on Sunday's would prevent me from being able to go to church. So before my training at my new job was up- guess what? My schedule changed. So now I've had the majority of Sunday's off. I was mad at my work for it, but I kept thinking about God snickering at His delightful trick to keep me where I need to be.

Also it's been forever since I had a really bad cold. Honestly I don't even really remember when. Welllll recently I have stopped taking OTC medications (for personal reasons I may divulge in a future blog if I feel like). So anyway I have this nasty cold. It is seriously kicking my butt. I call my Dr. today and they advised that I should keep up on liquids, rest, hot showers, and to basically "man up" -oh and I can try home remedies and natural stuff if I choose (I'm to keep an eye on myself to make sure that I don't get any infections, etc). So anyway I think this is kind of humorous too because I have been around a lot of snot noses and I couldn't have gotten this cold BEFORE my new venture?

Anyway I think God is great and I know not a lot of people don't like to read things that are too religious-y, but seriously- God always knows what's best for you even when you don't. I'm so glad I'm able to look into the funny side of things. *sniffle, sniffle*
**cough!**

Winter Driving

2009-12-23T10:17:00.003-05:00

Dear Crazy Driver,

I know you enjoy tailgating people in bad weather; you probably do it in stellar conditions. I understand you are just that way. I realize you're impatient, self important, or always late. I know you get enjoyment teasing less ideal cars with your big fancy truck thing. I bet you can travel across the ice as if it were simply your freshly lain driveway.

Anyway I will admit that I am slightly jealous because as I skid to a stop you can stop on a dime. Or so you think. I just relish in the fact that if by chance your tires don't grip as much as you thought and you run into me I will be the one laughing evilly. Well if I'm not hurt badly by your poor driving.

Also when one of does decide to turn are you sure that you want to honk at me? I happen to value my life and unlike you I'd rather come home snug in my coat than snug in a body cast. I'd rather be late for work than not able to come in at all. So next time you honk angrily at a slow driver remember that driver simply values their life and wants to be safe.

You shouldn't be upset because people value thier lives and the lives around them. If I were to drive 'normal' in subnormal conditions that would be considered driving crazy and then you would be stuck in a long ridiculous line of traffic because I'm sure I'd manage to slide into something and cause a wreck. Then you'd be waiting even longer for clean up crews snow plows, etc.

So I guess it's your choice, stay behind a slow, cautios driver that values their life and come home safe; OR run them off a road, cause an accident, and be the one responsible for ruining another person's life.

Seems simple to me.

Thank you for reading, though I doubt you will read this entire thing.

XX
Spaghetti

Sewing Life's Stitches

2009-12-16T20:22:00.003-05:00

I know, I know... I've been told I haven't been keeping up my blog. Like my life- my blogs go on roller coasters. Right now I think we're on a slow uphill track, taking in the scenic route. One of those routes which you have to be there to get the vantage point.

I've been thinking about love. When I went through my divorce it was probably one of the darkest times I have ever dealt with. I think I bounced back on the outside pretty quickly, but I know inside it took me a long time to really come back.

I hurt when people I love have to go through it. I hurt when I hear about it. I think of how my heart was torn up and the blame everyone wanted to place- and the blame I placed. I don't feel very hurt at the moment, but I will never forget how it felt.

I think of where I am now. I had to go though a lot to get to where I am and so did my husband. We both went through our own personal hells and back. We both get little reminders of "what was" and perhaps once in a while something will spring a memory and we wonder "what could have been if only I..."

Honestly, I'm glad those if only's never happened. But I say that in ignorance, because no one knows what would have happened or how we'd feel today if the if only did happen. With that said would we wonder other forms of if only's?

I think of the simple decision of me filling out an application at 80/20 because I was told it was a good place to work; and I was mad at my employer at the time. Of all the places I could have randomly filled out an application to work (and I only tried the one place). That was the place were I would meet the love of my life.

It's kind of interesting when you look back and see the threads of life intertwined together. If I had missed but one stitch I'd be on a completely different path. Would I have met Kirby? Would my heart of hurt as much? Would our relationship be as strong without my pain? I don't know.

Am I thankful for my afflictions? When I was in the midst of agony- no. Looking back, yes. Without the turmoil I went through I don't think I could appreciate the life I am living now. And that is the honest truth, although I would never wish it on anyone or want to go through it again.

Lesson: Don't regret what you're going through now, even if it's bad. You can only put in another stitch and move the needle again to sew another piece of your life together.

Me moments...

2009-12-07T21:52:00.003-05:00

Besides the fun I get to have with customers all day, every day I have officially made my new job more "me." My brain has allowed itself to reveal what I'm truly like. None of this 'I'm a serious worker.' My ditzy side said 'Game on!!!'

I tried to get a new car... twice. Yeah I was leaving for work and for whatever reason on two different nights I walked to some random car with my key out and ready to drive away- when I realized that wasn't my car. Oops. At least it was the same general color, right?

We are finally in our new teams at work and the girl I sit next to told me she had heartburn. I told her I had blond moments. I don't think she got it.

I may add that on no less than 2 1/2 occasions so far I attempted to leave early. I was so ready to go, closed my cash drawer, clocked out, shut down my computer- and what do you know I'm walking to the door all bundled up and ready to skedaddle home when I realize that I still have an hour to go. Oops, my bad. I know that 5 and 6 look alike... but I seriously need to set a "going home alarm" so I know the correct time to leave.

So those are some adventures for the time being. Work has been keeping me busy, but I'll try not to forget my bloggy friends!

Shy Bladder

2009-11-19T21:09:00.002-05:00

So Gavin's writing this really cool paper for school and I'm helping him. Mostly with just the grammar... One of tricky words was "toward." I was trying to sound it out for him, but after you say toward a bunch, the word starts to sound funny. After a few more tries and we got it spelled correctly I mentioned I had a toward in the toilet for Kirby.

Kirby told me he had a dude in the pot. So (yes, we are easily amused), after laughing for twenty minutes about towards and different kinds of dudes (or duuuuudes) in the pot- we composed our selves to discuss more "grown up" topics of conversation. Okay so really none of us ever got there because we kept incorporating "dude" into our sentences.

So why is it we can immaturely laugh about natural things our bodies do, but when you go into a public bathroom you can't go? I mean seriously. Nature calls on everyone, right? If your stomach is grumbly, surely everyone else at one point has had a grumbly stomach in public and needed to ungrumble it. Either way, I hate public restrooms. I would rather be shut in privately so no one has to hear my "natural" sounds. I hate how people can see your shoes under the stall and later when you're working or whatever someone can point out "That's the lady that left a bomb in the bathroom!" snicker, snicker.

Don't even get me started on the cracks in the door... small child eyes peaking at me as I'm doing my "monthly" business... Ugh. Restrain your children- parents! Teach them about privacy or courtesy. Okay I'll stop on that one.

Sorry this isn't the best topic, but hey- it's on my mind. I bet you feel better about going to the bathroom because you know you're not the only one now that thinks like I do (you shoe peaker!). I just have the nerve to post it in a blog.

Animals are People

2009-11-18T21:35:00.002-05:00

I have been working on manners and my children recently. My daughter told me to stop saying please after everything I said. In particular I was talking to Millie, asking her to get off the stool and telling her she was a good kitty. Gwyneth told me that cats aren't people.

Gwyneth was like "mom she does not understand what you're saying!"

I sat down at the dining room table and told her that infact the cats were people and COULD understand what I'm saying.

She protested so I had to prove it to her. I said, "Garry? Where are you? Garry, come here!" What do you know Garry came. I then said, "Come sit on my lap. Come here." And what do you know he jumped up on my lap!

How delightful! So I told him what a good sweet perfect cat he is (except for the puking parts). Gwyn said that he didn't understand what I was saying to him. I had to cover up his poor cat ears so he wouldn't get his feelings hurt.

2009-11-16T20:02:00.002-05:00

Cramp. I have a cramp in my belly and it is really bothersome. I was thinking I would like to go to the Dr, but I can't due to my new place of employment. Oh I can say I enjoy this problem (complaining about work) because I have a job to complain about.

So anyway I had an appointment scheduled for over 2 months for a specialist I see (for my migraines). Well I was stuck on the phone at work and ended up being so grossly late for my appointment I was forced to reschedule. They managed to get me in at a certain time, but it wasn't beneficial to my new company. I was forced to reschedule once again (or else risk my job and we won't have that, now will we?). I guess the reason I was so mad about it is because there are at least 2 other people that had other things going on that wasn't beneficial to the company. Why were they able to get a "free pass" and I was not? Yay! Yay for working and yay for being able to talk about it!

I really think this company is going to be really good for me. I'm still training so I am learning tons. I understand things I never thought about before, I guess that can happen when you don't know what you're learning. It's pretty exciting.

I also realize this blog wasn't the most exciting to read... I'll try to think of something funny to tell you.

Well I'm not sure how funny this is, but Kirby is onery. I said I had a chocolate bar in the pantry. It's name is Hershey. We have "our" shelf we put things in that we don't necessarily share with the kids. So I was putting my juice boxes up there for my lunch when they wouldn't jam in there. I finaly got on my tippy toes and reached up and found Hershey. She was so so beatuiful. I made a promise to her as soon as I had a craving I would devour her.

Kirby thinks Hershey was his friend, but I set him straight. He got revenge by hiding her from me. But the thing is- you can't keep a girl from her chocolate.

Vets Day

2009-11-11T21:05:00.002-05:00

Happy Veteran's day and thank you to those that served to keep me safe. Thank you for those that gave your lives for our country. Thank you to the families who have and have had loved ones serving. It is not an easy job and I want you to know that I appreciate you and everything that has been done for this wonderful country. God Bless.

Meanie's

2009-11-10T22:27:00.002-05:00

I was just thinking today about people. The rude, selfish, screaming ones. How can people purposely do and say mean and rude things? How is it people can treat other's so horribly and not even think twice? What do they get from it?

When the day is ending and they are nearing their sleep, are they restless? Do they feel good about the accomplishments and everything they have done throughout the day? Do they even know they are so horrible and that they are teaching their children to behave in the same way?

I would think as a mother (I am one so therefore I can relate) you would want your children to learn manners: please, thank you, may I- and to speak without a sharpness in your everyday business. To notate your attitude and how you're reacting towards others.

I lost my trust in the people 3 years ago, but I still want to think that people in general are good hearted. Are they?

Drool

2009-11-08T16:29:00.003-05:00

I've talked about my cat drool on several occasions, only this is worth the read (well it made me laugh so therefore it must make someone else laugh). This is about MY drool. So every few weeks I have to get the vacuum brush thingie and scrub the drool spots off the couch from Garry (the cat). It's quite frustrating because I try to cover up the parts where he lays and he must know because he always lays where I do not cover up.

So the other day I was sleeping on the couch. I told Kirby I have narcolepsy because I get so tired and I can't stay awake for the life of me. I was in the middle of a sudoku puzzle and zonked out. I don't know how sudoku could possibly make anyone zonk out, but it did.

Next thing I know, I'm stirring in my sleep and I realized I'm drooling. It was one of those situations where you're half asleep and barely awake. So I was too tired to do anything about it and it felt like there was a bucket that leaked out. I merely wiped my mouth off with (I think) my sweater sleeve.

-I don't know how many times I've nagged my kids NOT to do that very thing because your clothes aren't your personal napkins!

ANYWAY I shortly was in a deep slumber once again, but I must have been cautious of the position of my mouth (open or closed). I woke up a few more times just to make sure my mouth was shut. So I'm a weird sleeper...

When I finally woke up and came to the realization of what I had done. I checked the arm of the couch to verify I did not leave a giant drool spot. I could just imagine the big patchy spots like what the cat leaves.

On second thought, I think it was the monster under the couch putting my head in his mouth and leaving his drool. I would never drool.

Lesson: If you take a nap- make sure you're not sleeping around a bunch of people.

The best day of the year... if you're on your period.

2009-11-04T21:40:00.003-05:00

Candy, candy, candy. Why oh why do I have to have a sweet tooth? No, the real question is why oh why does my PMS have to occur right now? Mmm chocolate. Chocolate. Chocolate. Don't give me any of that chewy Mike and Ike's crap or those Dots. Give me the good stuff! I have a giant bowl of chocolate assorted items and some other various goodies. I have to eat it fast so I can get rid of it (except for the Mike and Ike's and Dots). blech. I can't keep picking at that bowl every day. My heart will break when it's empty.

Okay so now that I admit I have a chocolate problem we can move on. I didn't say I was going to give it up. I've given up cookies until the Halloween stuff is gone. Okay- not the Halloween cookies Kirby's dad left here. Are you crazy?

I got the hiccups the other day. I had an old lady call in and I was (immaturely) making fun of the way she talks. It was the sweet shaky kind of old lady voice, very easy to imitate. It gave me a chuckle. Well God must have had a chuckle with me, because shortly after I got the hiccups. Big ones.

The next three calls I had I hiccuped right in the customer's ears. I tried to hold it in. The first lady laughed at me every time I did it. I must have made her day more cheerful. The thing is when I get hiccups- besides that they do not go away- I tend to be loud and/or deep. Sometimes I remind myself of a frog or something and then I laugh at it.

Lesson: Wait until the lady is DONE with her cycle before removing the chocolate in the vincinity. That is more like advice. Incase my huband reads this and decides to take it all to work.

One Flaw In Women

2009-10-25T20:53:00.003-04:00

I got this in an email. I don't know who the author is, but I thought it was pretty good. October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month so recognizing the women seems appropriate. Cuz we all know even sick we still carry on.

One Flaw In Women

Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.

They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.

They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they
think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what
makes the world keep turning.

They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their
family and friends.

Women have vital things to say
and everything to give.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

Things I do sometimes.

2009-10-19T19:32:00.002-04:00

So I have like this giant zit on my nose. It was like the exaggerated ones they do in movies and t.v. Only for real. Bright red and hurty. I hate the hurty ones. So I made sure to have make up on today and to take some cover up with me. I was in the ladies room "touching" up. I felt like such a priss. No one cared nor does anyone care. But I do and that is the law of zits.

Also I was driving home and it is one of those roads where you drive down and if you don't move over next thing you know is you're in a turn lane. Traffic was thick (and there were 2 motorcycles behind me) and I turned into a lane. Turns out I should have stayed in the one I was in because that was the turning lane. I could have moved over right away, except I didn't want to embarrass myself in front of the motorcycles. So essentially I wasted 5 minutes and had to go on the interstate because I was an idiot too embarrassed to move back over. Oh well better to save face than look silly around strangers.

I don't know what my mood is today. Making up for not being silly for the last several weeks I guess.

Last Place I Looked...

2009-10-15T20:07:00.004-04:00

Why is it when you are looking for something it's always in the last place you looked? Seriously. Grr. I lost some important documents and my orientation is tomorrow. So if you do the math that means I have to find them (yeah sometimes I'm a procrastinator, but I knew I'd have a good part of the day to accomplish this task).

I was thinking about it before I went to sleep last night because they have been missing for several months. I've been meaning to go to the proper offices and get new copies, and well frankly, that's a pain in the arse. So I never got around to doing that.

In my sleep I was looking for these documents in the usual places I have the last few months. Then I looked in my glove box and there they were! So you would think that would be the first place I looked, right? Um. No. I don't exactly work that way.

I seriously looked for like 5 hours. I was so aggravated. I looked on top of the fridge in those empty cabinets, in the closet where we keep the cat snacks, and in last years coat pockets. Behind my dresser (even though I already looked there last month) as well as the giant bag of documents to be shredded. I tore the cushions off of the couch, looked in between books (maybe I used the envelope for a bookmark and forgot)- you name it in the house and I looked. It didn't matter how ridiculous.

I told Kirby if he is ever missing any special documents or papers, if they're not in my filing cabinet we don't have them.

BUT on a whim I remembered my dream so I dug everything out of my glove box and there they were!! Holy freaking cow pies! What a wast of my entire day! I should have followed my subconscious and checked out my car in the first place. There was even a business card from the last place I visited in the envelope. Why did I put them there? In my car of all places?

I'll tell you why. I knew I'd need them and didn't want to file them or carry them around- so me being me put them in a place where I wouldn't forget. Those stupid papers have been missing for months and months! I hate it when I do that! Except when I hide money and forget. I found $20 the other day in my planner. Cool.

Lesson: In this case persistence paid off. It also got 2 closets organized.

Spam

2009-10-13T20:08:00.002-04:00

Pretty sure someone used my email to sign up for some stuff or something. I keep getting spam for my email in a nick name that only a few people know about. Hmm wonder who it could be? Most of it are for pretty good deals.

In my OCD I have to check my spam mail before I delete it. I don't know why- maybe I'll miss something?

I remember when I was 16 my cousin and a friend prank called all these businesses posing as me, giving them my name and address, and saying how much I loved their product (or whatever it was). I got stuff in the mail for weeks. They were so jealous because they thought I was going to get in trouble (out of love, of course).

I still have the "bit-o-honey" towel. Or whatever it is. One of those candies you only see around Halloween. Oh gosh- I love the sweet factory!

http://www.sweetfactory.com/index.php?act=viewCat&catId=107 Yummmm

Hmm

2009-10-12T21:16:00.003-04:00

Things on my end are starting to take a happier note, as I look forward to starting my new job! I'm so excited. Still not thrilled about the hours, but I'm sure as time will have it I'll have an opportunity to get what I need. I just hope it's sooner than later. Trying to think positive here.

Either way I got new glasses after 2 months of broken ones!

So what antics can I get myself into now? I suppose the antic of sticking my nose where it doesn't belong (I am of the female species). I have been thinking about a status one of my facebook friends had posted. It was about a parent, and basically they were very upset. I get that. We all get upset with our parents from time to time, especially when we don't understand as much as we should.

It was just one status, one simple post written out of aggravation for some situation. Whatever the deal- it kind of saddens me to think that a parent and their child aren't communicating. So I know what it's like to have someone not around when you want them to be. Sadly, I've had those experiences. I just hate to see someone push their child or their parent away because of whatever stresses are going on in their life.

It is so much easier to let our human side allow us to be mad, hold grudges, and be upset because of some perceived wrongs against us. It is easier to dislike than to love. Humans feed off of negativity (look at the media). I know all this because I've been there.

I wish there was some wise words I could say or something I could do. Even as adults children still crave for their parents approval and love. I don't want to think of a relationship being destroyed or hurt when all they need to do is get together and work our their differences. To be heard for your transgressions and to have an opportunity to teach your children the gift of compromise, agreeing to disagree, or to find a resolution together. Teach them to listen with an open mind and be honest with each other (they will take it with them all their lives).

I understand that changes and stress happen. I know that some things will never be "like they were," but one must adapt to change. Learn to forgive; make an attempt to love when it feels too difficult. Don't shut someone out, don't choose sides, be open and be better than the anger you feel.

Yeah- a lot easier said than done. I know that, too. Ugh, for experiences! All in all though, I think it has made me a better person to learn from my mistakes. My wish for my friends is that they learn and grow, too.

PS

2009-10-08T15:23:00.003-04:00

I forgot to mention the funny part. Remember when I said I totally screwed up?

I couldn't find the door to the building (it was apparently blocked by trucks). Since I wasn't sure if it was the job for me, I left. I got a call half an hour later and I was so rude to the poor girl. I told her I was there, but couldn't find the door to get in. She said she wasn't sure if she could reschedule me because they set that time aside specifically for me. I told her to "do what you gotta do" so she said she would talk to her supervisor. Obviously they rescheduled me (and described where the door was). So I could go back.

Oh and the truck thing gets even better. I think only me could do this too- because I backed into one of the truck's plastic barrels as I was backing out to leave. It was in my blind spot. Good think it was plastic and no harm done!

How goosey is that? And I think only I would ever use the "I can't find the door" excuse and actually mean it. Actually I've never heard of anyone using that excuse.

Thank you, Carrie (from a Whole Lotta Bull)

2009-10-08T15:06:00.005-04:00

Carrie,

My reply to your comment was too long, so I guess it's a new blog.

You're right. Normally I'd like to think of myself as a positive thinker, too. I've just been so discouraged lately that only negatives are filling my head (and 2 negatives make a positive, right?). I know I'm acting selfish and being negative and should be excited. I think deep down I am.

This new job is exactly the same as the other one- just a different company. It is only the hours that upset me. 2nd shift- I won't see my children or family as much. When I finished college I swore I would never do anything that took family time away because I missed SO much (I think that deep down is what breaks my heart). But I've done it before and can do it again. And just because it's 2nd's now doesn't mean I'll be working that for the rest of my life.

I know that, so I shouldn't be so silly about it.

Also, I've been known to word vomit my feelings in my blog- and that is what I did. Honestly, I DO feel better getting it all out.

I worked for that company before, I think it is just one person that has a problem with me. I know that no matter where you go or what you do there will always be someone that we rub each other the wrong way. So I know now (from my previous mistakes) that for the sake of the team and company that I just have to bite my tongue and agree to disagree. Like one of my other friends said- "stupid terds don't realize what/who they are letting slip through their fingers." She always has a way with words that cheers me up.

I'm sure once I get back to feeling better, and new glasses- now that I have a job I can get new glasses!! *Mine have been snapped and glued together 3 times for 2 months now.* Yay! I can afford new glasses. See? I'm feeling snappier already.

Thanks for your comment.

Kick em while they're down!

2009-10-07T15:47:00.006-04:00

So I haven't really updated on what's going on with the whole "blowing steam" blog. Well here's the deal. I waited over a month for one company for a position I would be great in and they finally told me that they decided to cancel the position. Okay, fine. I kind of figured they didn't want me (even though they said they did). There was someplace even better I had my eye on.

I really, really wanted to get in at another company. I am familiar with the company, love the people, the products, I have over 2 years experience in the particular area they were hiring for. I was even willing to take a 'pay cut' I wanted it so bad. But lo and behold, after waiting for several weeks (a ridiculous amount of time to wait for an answer, might I add), they found that I was not a fit for the company. As instant messengers and texters say: WTF?

Apparently, even though I knew everyone I interviewed with (with exception of one) and even though I liked everyone I would potentially be working with, (a couple of whom I had worked with before) AND even though everything I was told about the job was exactly what I had done previously... Even though I could grow into an even better person in my field and fine tune my skills (as I feel I have superb experienced in). Even though it was a perfect fit for me and the OWNERS stopped to say hello to me and ask me how I was doing, etc. -I am apparently not a good fit.

So, yes, I was horribly shocked and disappointed, as were some of the people that work there that thought it was the perfect job for me. I thought for sure I had the job and I was told that they were really considering me...

So I did what all mature adults do: I cried. I had to put on make up so the kids didn't know I had been crying. How pathetic is that?

I was just starting to feel better about the whole crappy rejection thing (at least I didn't cry anymore) when I get my rejection letter in the mail. Why in the world would they send me a letter when I already knew they didn't want me? So I can add it to my collection? To kick me while I was down? To put salt in the wounds?

So the letter said "While they were most impressed with my qualifications, blah, blah, blah. My qualifications were not a good fit for the position." Okay it didn't actually have blah, blah, blah I just don't want to bore you with typical details.

Now help me understand this: if my qualifications aren't good for the position, please tell me what in this green earth do they need? I doubt many can match my qualifications or experience in that area. How can I not have good qualifications when everything you said the job required I have done in that position and I could do and more?

At any rate, I interviewed with another company -I totally screwed up- and I had a migraine today during my other 2 interviews- they offered me a job? What do you know- it's mostly the same as this other one (only more in depth). Hmm? I'm not good enough for my #1 choice where I know the products, processes, and how to work the customer- but I'm good enough to start cold at some company I practically blew off? How messed up is that?

Oh and by the way, this company will tell you pretty quickly if they want you or not.

I realize that I could have easily stayed where I was, and I'd be fine there making more than what the companies rejecting me are starting out... I liked it there, but I was selfish and wanted something different. I wanted to put my skills to use. Of course I left for several reasons, my migraines primarily being it, but I'm starting to get those under control. Should I go back and beg for my old position? I don't want to, I just want companies to see my worth for what it really is and give me a chance.

Thank you new company for giving me the offer and I'm sorry you weren't my favorite choice to start with.

Blowing Steam

2009-10-02T14:45:00.006-04:00

I'm going to be very frank here. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of being told to wait some more and I'm tired of being rejected. This whole situation just sucks.

There I got it out. I'm trying to be positive, but it is getting very hard to do.

Anyway today is a blah day and I wish I hadn't even of crawled out of bed. Except for a little trick I played on Kirby it has been dull and uneventful. I hope he was a good sport about it. I was thinking that it was inappropriate, but funny at the same time because it's so outrageous.

Phil and Heather came over to say hi as they were on my side of town because they both had half days or something. Of course they didn't call so I hear a knock on the door. Well I'm not answering it if I don't know who you are so he had to eventually remove his finger off of the peep hole. I kept thinking it was Roger the evil insurance guy.

I'm blaming the negative portion of my life situation on him. He's a good enough scapegoat, although he doesn't look very goat-y in real life. Yeah why should I take blame for the choices I made in my life? Yes, the decisions I made were my decisions to make, but society doesn't think you should accept the consequences as yours. So therefore I won't accept my decisions as my mistakes... I'm kidding; I just wanted to be a jerk. But rereading this I am a really wimpy jerk. I have the super power of migraine attack, so be aware!! Okay I don't have that either.

I always say that you need the downs to help you appreciate the ups, but I don't know if I'm ever going to appreciate it again. Because I'm mad at my ups right now for being so good to me.

Anyway I was just blowing off some steam. This was a really sucky day. I was rejected for something I really wanted and I don't know why. What I wanted was the perfect fit for me, and me for them. Of course that is my opinion and obviously someone else doesn't share it.

I need to get some mental powers of persuasion. I think that would help me get what I want.

Lesson: I'm pretty sure I've said this before, but if you fall off the horse you must get back on. Even if the horse steps on your spine and breaks it while you're still on the ground.

I'm not going to punish you

2009-09-29T15:24:00.004-04:00

But we are going to have a little talk.

I understand you're shy, I was also very shy (be quiet- you from the peanut gallery I'm talking about when I was little). I know you don't talk a lot. Not like me- or girls- we're always blah blah blah. And I know you like your privacy.

I respect all that. I don't force you to talk to me, but you know we've had some talks before. You know there are a lot of people around you that love you very much. It is not good to hold your feelings inside. I did for years and never knew who I could talk to or how to talk to anyone. But once I was able to open up, it's a good thing to share your problems. So you are not alone.

It's also not good to freak out or get upset when you need help. We've talked about that too, and you're getting better.

You don't need to clam up when I ask you a simple question. When someone asks you something it does not mean you're not in trouble. It is very irritating when you refuse to answer me and then get upset. That tells me there is something I do need to know.

While I do respect your privacy; you do need to talk to me. I need to know what is going on inside that head. I care about you and that is the way things are.

I'm not going to scream at you if you tell me something. Have I ever done that? Of course not.

If you think I'm some scary person to talk to, you need to tell me. Do you know what I'm thinking? (no) I don't know what you're thinking either. We can't read minds.

If you need or want something- you need to communicate with me. It goes both ways. You ask me something you would like an honest answer- same here. If I ask you something just give me an honest answer.

If it's personal- say so and we can talk where no other ears will hear. I won't tell everyone what's going on, but it is my job to poke my nose into your life. I need to know what's going on- and "I don't know" for an answer is not good enough.