Estrangement...

I'm just going to put this out here. There are a lot of people that don't deserve to be in others people's lives. There are a lot of broken people that do deserve another chance. Everyone has a story.

But is it worth it if you haven't even given it a chance? Some will say yes! They are away from toxicity and their lives have been greatly enriched away from those that hurt them or bring them down.

And on the other end some will be pining away, sifting through every mistake they've ever made day in and day out..., wide awake at night and in between calls at work... picking apart things that weren't mistakes, but was it damaging? Wishing to have appreciated the other person more when they were annoyed or distracted (bc who knew that would be the last of the memories you'd share? [consider the lesson learned!]) Wishing you told them you loved the more often... They (me) are trying so hard to bend the will of the universe to allow a chance to go back and fix things until you're exhausted and queasy with migraine from futilely straining against the cosmos.

How do you accept when there is no moving forward? There is no working it out, sleeping on it, and there is no tomorrow. There is no fresh start or new beginnings.

I've exhausted my sorries and and it will never be enough.

Even an, "I hate you" would be something because an expression of hatred still bears hope with the communication.

I personally didn't even get enough of those to almost feel a reprieve an estrangement would bring. The very last communication I have was worse than that, though. It was meant to hurt. One last malady to endure and infect my thoughts as the final radio silence began.

But... I'm not allowed to feel hurt... This is all my fault; I am not the victim (those aren't my words, but they ring in my head). How can I not FEEL?

There are things left unsaid. Things that can't be taken back. Things that will bring you (me) embarrassment at 2 in the afternoon (or 2 at night) when you're in the the middle of a customer chewing out and you just CAN'T do anything about it (the customer or the thing)... so maybe the lack of sleep or the reaming of the customer is Karma's way of balancing things out...

...Because of course the estrangement, the empty feeling in your soul, the love you want to give, the things you want to share and laugh-- you can't. The first person you'd give news to isn't there...All that's left is this messed gnarled wreck of a heart. I'm a shell of a person with other people to love and they don't deserve the me that's left. It all just isn't enough pain to endure already.

So yah... I guess that's that. I'm so muffin tired of crying about this. I am done with the pain.

I'm not ready

How many of us wish we could go back and right our wrongs?  How many of our wrongs weren't intentional?

Your therapist said I was too negative... I know my pain spilled over in that session. I've over-analyzed everything when I just need to understand. We are two vastly different people and yet you are a part of me. 

It's hard not to be negative when I hurt for you so bad.  

Having children- it's like seeing a part of your soul outside of your body.  The love I have is unconditional, we have a connection that tethers me to you. There is nothing you can do that would sever the love I have for you. 

The truth is we don't understand each other. Somehow these last few months or year I don't know you and you don't know me.  It's hard for you to see the world through my eyes and it's hard for me to see the world through your eyes. 

We need to learn patience with each other.  As the older one I should be on top of that, but patience hasn't always been my strongest point. 

I've heard you have to help yourself before helping others.  Maybe I need to do that.  Set you aside and work on me.  Heal my hurts.  Maybe I need to let you go. 

I have a lot of issues feeling like a failed mother.  If I let you go, even temporarily, what kind of mother would I be? And that's why I won't be the one letting anyone "go"

It's easier for me for you to reject me... which I feel you have.  But I can't accept it.  I have to fight for it.  To fight for us. I know our relationship will never be the same, but what relationship ever stays the same?

Your therapist is a smart lady.  She definitely knows you better than me and I don't think she wants us estranged. She said we have to start small.  I agree, we have to take small steps to get to know each other.  You're old enough if you want an adult relationship with me you can pursue it.  If you don't, then... I don't know. 

Of all the horrible things I've ever had to endure, an estrangement is by far the worst and I hope you will never understand what I mean. 

6 weeks

Hello,

Every time I try to text you it comes out completely wrong. I'm going to be honest, I just didn't know how to communicate to you through your pain. I want to help you, I try, and then things go horribly wrong. I say I don't want to argue, then I do. I apologize and it goes the other way. Then I foolishly say something I don't mean (again). 

I'm imperfect.  I make mistakes.  And I love you all the same.

I can tell you're angry with me and I feel like every time I try to smooth it over I make it worse. I've spent so many tears reading your messages, writing down what you said so I can reply and wishing I could say things differently to you. And then not having the chance to.

If I could tell you anything in the world what would it be? I love you.  Unconditionally. It won't stop. Our estrangement is the worst thing I've ever endured.

When you told me why you left I was sick and I could barely function. I was prescribed a medication that made me sleep 20 hours a day.  I tried to work, think, and feel, but I was in a fog for a long time.

Something happened to you and you needed me to be there and I wasn't.  Someone I love hurt you. Someone you loved hurt you.  You say you're broken and I'm not allowed to help you pick up the pieces.  It breaks my heart you are hurting. You needed me to understand and I wasn't understanding. You said I hurt you the most.

My being ill made me distant and that wasn't fair to you.  I raked my mind on how to help you without asking how you wanted me to help.  You said you wanted space and I went full mama bear seeking every detail and analyzing it all to make sure I had the full picture in my head so I could present it to the authorities.  All the while trying to (poorly) support you, manage my own wrecked emotions, and get well, and maintain the function of normality.

I re-read my texts to see what I said and I was not truly hearing you.  It wasn't fair I got defensive when you were angry. You were hurting and I wasn't helping.

How did our relationship become such a mess? I thought I was doing the right thing. The best I knew how for you.  I try to make things right and they go more wrong.

Your perception is different than mine and I didn't stop to try to understand where you were coming from. I accepted it and understood we saw things differently, but I didn't put myself in your shoes. So I wasn't truly understanding.

You gave me a solution, an ultimatum, to prove my love, yet you won't have a conversation with me about any of this. You want me to choose you over everyone in my life. You say you won't be ready to talk until I accept your only solution.

I simply can not do what you want when I'm not ready to make that choice. I will always love you, however I don't want to grow to resent you for forcing my hand.  I want to reconcile.  I want to start over with just you and I. 

Please invite me in your life, just a tiny bit. Please let me listen to you and I will make an effort understand you. Please give me a chance without an ultimatum. 

I will try to be patient for when you're ready. I've never been good with patience, but for you I will do my best.

where do I start?

Why does living have to hurt so bad sometimes?  How can someone be going about their life and the world just flips? Why is life so unreasonable?  Why does my chest feel so empty and so heavy at the same time? 

Lies are tearing me apart.  My essence is being torn in 2 different directions. It is making me physically sick.

I had these feelings once... The way I felt that night and the nights that followed are forever etched into my soul.  I thought these feelings were only going to be a distant memory of things long gone and healed over.

Oh God, it took so long feel like a whole person again. 

I just can't do it.  I can't "fake it until I make it" anymore.  I can't. I'm not resilient. I'm weak. I'm a failure.

I don't even know what "this" is. I don't know if I'll come back. I can only take so much hurt at a time.  I can only have so much pain weigh me down.  I just can't do it.  How will I go on?  How will I survive?

How do I get up in the morning and go to work?  How do I focus?  How do I resist the urge to faint...  ....and if I do- how do I make it so I don't wake up?

If I could ask you to answer honestly-  Are you lying to me?  How do I know you speak the truth?  I love you to the deepest part of my being and you're ripping it out. 

How do I stop?  How do I not care?

My Own Path

You just popped into my head.  I think of you and the perfect life you projected.  I used to want that.  I didn't want to be you, but I wanted to be like you.  To be more successful than I felt.  To be more confident than I felt.  To have it all together like you appeared.

Everyone has a story and it was hard to imagine yours when you were so perfect and I was always such a mess.  The problem wasn't that you didn't appear to have problems.  The problem is that I wasn't okay with myself.

But I am now.  I actually haven't thought of you in a long time.  It's weird, though... thinking of you and all those old feelings drudged up. The truth is, I'm okay with my inadequacies.  I could never be like you and I don't want to.  I'm myself & I like that.  I'm successful in my own way, even if it's not in the way I imagined success would look like.  It's actually better.  I still struggle with confidence, but I'm comfortable being me.

The truth is- I don't have it all together.  I get stressed to the max.  I struggle with anxiety and sometimes depression.  My heart breaks for my kids and my heart cheers for my kids.  I love being a mom, but it's like a roller coaster.  I'm so deeply in love with my husband I don't even have the words to express it (seriously- I've tried writing about it so many times, but nothing seems to fit right).  All in all I'm happy.  The only thing missing is a "bestie" or whatever- but I'm trying to open myself up for that.  I figured at my age I would have figured this whole life thing out, but I guess there is always room to learn and grow, huh?

I know I'm just rambling, but it's what's on my mind.  So yeah.  :)

-Also prayers for those still recovering from Hurricane Harvey, those in the path of Irma, and those in Montana and out west dealing with the wild fires and toxic air.