"Friends" a philosophy?

So I think "it's complicated" when I think of my friends. I had a super weekend. I saw so many friends and it was so nice... So what's the problem?

Well here's the problem: I don't really have a "best" friend. I think I have a lot of very good friends. Is that what happens when you get older? I still desire the elementary closeness that I had, the kindred spirits I have long lost.

I am so happy for my friends, but I'll admit. I get so jealous of them. I have a friend that is still such good friends with her friend from like Kindergarten or something. Okay okay- so I have that, too. Naomi is in Georgia. But it's different. I can't just hop on a plane and see her every time I get in one of these moods. Because we've been separated for so many years we aren't even the same. I love her, I really do, but it's true.

So here's the thing- I've never been asked to be in any one's wedding... I know it's petty (so I'm totally being narrow-minded right now) I've ALWAYS wanted to throw/host a bridal shower, baby shower, *anything* like that. And I fear I'll never get the chance because even though I have a lot of friends, and very good friends at that, I lack the right bond that just makes me close enough to be a part of that kindred group.

I thought about the girls that I would have asked if Kirby and I had a real wedding and most are married and I wasn't asked by any of them to be a part of their special day. I shouldn't feel this way. It's not their fault- it's not like I have made myself "there" for them when they needed someone.

Maybe I don't know how. Maybe it's because I'm in freaking Fort Wayne and all my really close friends (those that I consider close) are clumped together in the same city. Even though I would drive out that way any time I can't expect THEM to drive here all the time... Oh and I have work 45ish house a week and children that keep me from it. Can I think of more excuses to be a bad friend? I'm sure I can. Heaven forbid I place the blame on myself.

I was thinking why am I the way I am?

Well one of the groups I got to hang out with this weekend was some old friends from back like high school/McDonald's times and they were all freaking out because for some of them- it had been 10 years since they've seem me and others- we had only passed each other in the gas station before work 2 years ago (even though we're all on myspace). We had all our kids hanging out acting all crazy, grilling, and we played cards, it was FUN. I felt like I hadn't missed a beat in the last 10 years.

But the thing I did notice was that while I was here at this get together- they had had many more that I wasn't at. It kind of made me sad that I wasn't ever a part of them even though I was clearly a part of the group.

I thought why had I never gotten with my old crowd and why did I never hang out with them? Then it dawned on me. My previous life. That is the reason I am the way I am.

The ex never liked any of my friends. The few people that I did ever have over to our house got the vibe that he didn't like them and never wanted to come over. I wouldn't say he was possessive, but he was semi-possessive. I had a lot of "guy" friends before I met him and I had tried to maintain a friendship with at least one of my guy friends and it nearly caused me my marriage... (I am still friends with him, but we are not as good of friends for that reason). He hated most of my girlfriends and double dating or something like that was unheard of. The only "friends" we hung out with were his friends and eventually they became mutual friends.

It all boiled down to trust issues. Of course I was oblivious, but I remember more than once crying to him and telling him I wish I had someone I could call- just one person that would want to go to the store with me or just hang out for the fun of it. And I felt like such a loser confiding in him. I know he cared about me, but I don't know how much he cared about how I was feeling. (That relationship is another subject altogether and I'm not diving into that)

It wasn't until the last year and a half that I was married that we started to become more sociable. It was also that last year and a half I started to reach out to more peers, and that is when I found my kindred spirit. It was the spirit that broke mine.

All in all I'm glad HE broke my heart (and it took me a long time of healing before I could appreciate it), but sometimes I wonder why SHE broke it. Maybe that is why I don't really do what I need to do to get into the club where I can be the host of the baby showers and invited to the exclusive parties. Maybe that is why I am still reserved?

I'm jealous that I missed out on years and years of friendships and hanging out and when I was finally free to do so- I still don't make an effort... not really.

I think sometimes in general I hate people. I know I don't make sense at all. I love my friends and I want to be closer and do more, but I guess I don't know what it takes. Perhaps my spirit needs some healing yet?

Anyway that is my rant for the time being, I don't know if I helped me un-complicate anything... I'm waiting for the next invite and I love to have people over so I'm anxious to get my upstairs cleaned. One of my friends is throwing a surprise party for her husband. I have never had one and I am very excited to be a part of this!

Lesson: Don't turn down invitations because the only person losing out is you. That and pick up the phone once in a while.

Make Up Day

So Gwyneth was taking extra long getting dressed in the bathroom this morning. When she finally came out and was at the breakfast table I see one bright blue eye smeared here and there. She is smiling.

"Can I wear make up?"

"In first grade?" I say. "Um No." and that is a firm 'um no' as I'm getting a cloth and rinsing it with water to wipe her eye.

"How about fifth grade?" She must have guessed that I would have said another 'um no' to second so guessed to a more reasonable grade. I told her in fifth grade we would talk make up.

For one thing she didn't even have it on both eyes. It was one eye. Someone at work asked if I got a photo and I didn't because I never think of things like that. Of course I'd probably encourage more behavior like that if I did. I didn't get it all off. It looked like lightly smeared in blue eye make up instead of brightly sporadically smudged in a hurry 'maybe mommy won't notice' blue.

Lesson: Don't forget to look at your children in the mornings before they leave the house or you may end up with small surprises through the day. Good thing I paid attention to more than whether they tied their shoes or not!

Trim Your Bush

Have you seen the commercial for the Schick Quattro trim style for women? I saw it and didn't think anything of it. Kirby walked in the room and saw it and busted out laughing so hard and couldn't believe they put that on t.v.

If you haven't seen it- every time a woman walks by a bush it trims itself up. It's hilarous. I so want one of these. Let me see if I can find a link on u- tube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAk77Kr_OwQ

I so got to get me one of these! Then I'm going to walk around my yard and let it take care of itself.

Hey Baby

I wonder if I have a sexy voice? There are a lot of customers that call me babe, hun, sweetheart...

There was one customer that said he would "take good care of me" if I ever visited Mississippi. And another that said he would rather start asking for me instead of his rep because I had a nice voice.

I don't know if I sould be complimented or creeped out.

I usually play along... business is business, right?

Lesson: Suck it up around the creepy men because the customer is right, right?

St Patty's Fun: work, leprechauns, friends, kotex

I got the "shun" at work. I was gone for 2 days (Friday and Monday) with a detrimental migraine that put me out the entire weekend. I spent the majority of my time feeling miserable with an ice pack (I found it is less messy than toothpaste) on my head in a dark room or laying on the couch. I was not out partying or having fun...

Not one person greeted or said a single thing to me at work for as long as humanly possible, and even then it was only work related things. It was so weird. It's like I got the silent treatment.

Anyway work was work and that is that.

Happy St. Patty's day to everyone that loves green. That is one of my favorite colors. And according to my daughter it's a good thing I wore green because if I didn't a leprechaun would have come in and destroyed my house! Yikes. I hate to clean after kids, I really don't want to see what a leprechaun would do.

I posted on my face book my status update: "no green beer for me :( I did get to talk bananas and toilet paper sales! I love my friends!"

So someone wanted transcripts of my 'highly interesting' conversations... So if anyone else finds my ramblings interesting... or highly interesting here was my reply back:

It went something along the lines of "you're buying bananas and milk? You don't live in this neighborhood, what are you doing buying things like bananas and milk here?!"

My friend, "I was in the neighborhood passing through; I love Miejer!"

Me, "Yes, they have everything you need with low prices."

Insert intermittent conversation about wearing green and how Gwyneth said leprechauns will destroy your house if we didn't wear green so I made sure I had something with green on.

Me- back to what we're doing, " We were on the last roll in both bathrooms, we will soon be in dire need if we don't get this taken care of"

My friend, "Oh I heard there was a sale on the toilet paper." (she's very good at keeping up sales).

"I wouldn't know. Gwyn and I were sniffing deodorant as that was becoming a necessity as well, and getting girl items, you'll have to ask Kirby how the toilet paper sales were..." (seeing as how he already picked up the gi-hugic thing of t.p.).

We parted our ways shortly after that. The conversation was longer than that because I remember saying something about newspapers and how I wouldn't read them for 3 months if I got them.

I once kept one in my bedroom for about that long- I had intentions to read it. Eventually, I only read the advice columns and I think we made a volcano on it afterwards. The volcano lives on top of our fridge with my snail.

I have to tell you this tid bit... Gwyn learned to read so when we first picked up my "girly items" she's like "it's Kotex, MOM" (Of course only I heard her and I think the gross man down by the condoms). I thanked her for pointing that out and offered to let her carry it. Upon further thinking though, I thought it would look really bad for my 6 year old to be carrying my girly items... So I let her carry the deodorant. Just in case there were any other gross men wondering by my daughter. ugh.

Lesson: Changing your attitude is hard. Maybe that is why people change personalities. I kind of like my personality though, so I'll try to continue to improve my attitude.