Sidelines

My sweet, shy child.  He’s an adult, doing adult things.  Sometimes I think I forget he’s not my quiet introverted boy, but a grown man finishing up his childhood.  He’s getting ready to go into this wide, cruel world.  I wish I could hold his hand and he would take my wise advice, but alas- he insists through his actions that he’s going to just have to figure some (perhaps a lot) stuff out on his own.

I can almost see the anxiety cross his face when it comes to talking to people.  I think he’d prefer no one notice him and at the same time I know he craves attention and needs affirmation.  I think he does things “out of the ordinary” to stand out and sometimes this isolates him deeper.  I don’t know if he’s being himself or following some crowd.  Whatever his deal is or why he does the stuff he does- I’m standing on the sidelines cheering him on willing my positive vibes to soak into his soul.  I hope he knows he can be himself!

There was a time when I thought this young man, despite his reserved personality, wouldn’t have let Heaven move Earth if he put his mind to it.  He was set in his ways, assured me of his decisions.  He was so adamant on what he thought of certain things it broke my heart when I found out this was not the case.  Was he manipulative or manipulated?  I don’t think so.  Curious?  Maybe.  I may never know.

I do know it is particularly hard on me seeing him struggle though his decisions.  I hope he knows I’m not upset with the bad ones.  I, myself, have made a few bad ones….  I hope to see him learn from each one and do better.  It is my wish more than anything to have my own children be better than my own self.