Tuesday, September 5, 2017

My Own Path

You just popped into my head.  I think of you and the perfect life you projected.  I used to want that.  I didn't want to be you, but I wanted to be like you.  To be more successful than I felt.  To be more confident than I felt.  To have it all together like you appeared.

Everyone has a story and it was hard to imagine yours when you were so perfect and I was always such a mess.  The problem wasn't that you didn't appear to have problems.  The problem is that I wasn't okay with myself.

But I am now.  I actually haven't thought of you in a long time.  It's weird, though... thinking of you and all those old feelings drudged up. The truth is, I'm okay with my inadequacies.  I could never be like you and I don't want to.  I'm myself & I like that.  I'm successful in my own way, even if it's not in the way I imagined success would look like.  It's actually better.  I still struggle with confidence, but I'm comfortable being me.

The truth is- I don't have it all together.  I get stressed to the max.  I struggle with anxiety and sometimes depression.  My heart breaks for my kids and my heart cheers for my kids.  I love being a mom, but it's like a roller coaster.  I'm so deeply in love with my husband I don't even have the words to express it (seriously- I've tried writing about it so many times, but nothing seems to fit right).  All in all I'm happy.  The only thing missing is a "bestie" or whatever- but I'm trying to open myself up for that.  I figured at my age I would have figured this whole life thing out, but I guess there is always room to learn and grow, huh?

I know I'm just rambling, but it's what's on my mind.  So yeah.  :)

-Also prayers for those still recovering from Hurricane Harvey, those in the path of Irma, and those in Montana and out west dealing with the wild fires and toxic air.

Monday, May 8, 2017

missing you.

It's been 10 years since I last got to hang out with you and laugh with you.  I can't help feeling nostalgia when I think about you.   I miss you so much.  Wondering where life would have taken us if I hadn't of moved so far away.  I feel like I'm the only one clinging to what never will be.  Maybe that is the spark that drags me constantly to you... You're living life so differently and I wish I could be an active part of it.  I miss laughing with you.


This may be selfish, but I'm so tired of feeling like the stupid awkward outcast.  I see people with eloquent speech and I fumble over myself.  99% of the time I converse with anyone (via social media or in person) I regret what I said wish I could delete the conversation or start over.

I hate being like this.

We just did #unfiltered series at church, yet we're all still #filtered.  It really annoys me to see these "perfect" lives projected around me.  I feel like I'm the ONLY crazy one (Well Kirby too
[he's got to be if he's with me], but he's got it more together than I do, apparently).  God knows how I want someone I can open up to (I'm sure Kirby wants me to get a friend, too).  But I can't because of fear- rejection, not caring, no room for a new friend, etc.

I feel like a vagabond because I don't do everything "all natural" (I happen to believe a combination of homeopathy and modern medicine is the way to go- holistic, I believe is the word... I'll look it up later).  The way (I view) people look down their nose at others because one goes "natural" and another goes "modern medicine" makes me want to close up.

I tried reaching out and I got shot down.  I ask a simple question for a variety of info and felt belittled.  I know getting cut down isn't intentional, but it still kind of hurts deep inside somewhere.

I tried to tell one specific person how it made me feel and you say you're going to not comment any more.  Ugh- I don't even know you- why go to such extremes?  Give me a chance. There is just something about you that draws me to you and I don't even know.

Why do I always feel my spirit clasp onto the wrong people?  Maybe there IS a church buddy that wants to hang out with me and I am too oblivious to even notice...  I need someone as socially awkward as me.  So we can be weirdos together.

ps you really ARE a great singer.

Sunday, May 7, 2017

Singing thoughts

I have a thousand thoughts coursing through me.  Each is vying for individual attention, but I lack the strength to divide myself appropriately.

But right now I'm thinking of you...

Sitting next to you in church used to be my favorite thing in the world.  I would stand closer to you while we sang hymns because I wanted to hear every word.  Your voice made me think of delicate roses blooming so tenderly...  Your voice so velvety, like a petal, twirling and wrapped around notes in a pitch that touched me.

You told me this weekend you didn't want to sing anymore because you're not that good.  Oh- how I wish I would have expressed to you years ago how lovely your singing really was.  How this, among many things, impacted me.  You touched my soul and made the hymns come alive in my spirit. 

It dawned on me that it's been years since I sat next to you in church.  I miss that.  I'll never get to do that again.  I miss hundreds of other things that have come to pass, too. 

That is one of the reasons I requested the 4 plaques of hymns from your house. Your singing and your music helped sculpt me into the person I am today.  They are kind of "old lady-ish" so I'm not sure where to put them, but wherever I finally decide I will be proud to have them.  

I miss so many things and it aches me to visit you knowing I'll never have those things again.  You are still you, but Alzheimer's has stolen many parts of you that were.

What a nasty, nasty disease. 

Friday, May 5, 2017

Love of a Teen

There are a lot of things I wish to say to you.  However, I will keep it brief.

I really wish you could look past your own selfishness and open up your eyes to the pain you’re causing.  You break her heart and just when she’s starting to get her life together you go and string her along for another ride. 

I know you’re both young and figuring things out, but enough is enough.  How many times are you going to do this to someone before you realize it’s emotional abuse?  Obviously, you’re the one in control here.  And you know it.  She continues to hang on and grasp at a future with you because it's HARD letting someone you love go.  As soon as she starts to move on you pull her back and fill her with empty promises. Her heart is not a toy!  You need to look at yourself and correct this behavior right now.

Regardless of who you’re with -or who you’re not with- you have to be respectful of the other person.  If you’re letting them go, actually let them go.  It's not right to play with someone's emotions over and over.  It's not fair to me to watch this toxic relationship, either.  If you regret your decision then maybe you'll think about what you're doing instead of acting rashly.

I'm not your mother, but here is my PSA: The decisions you're making now will affect you for the rest of your life.  The way you are learning to behave now are characteristics that will be harder to change the more you grow into adulthood.  Stop making the same decisions that have the same results and start learning from your mistakes.