Monday, May 8, 2017

missing you.

It's been 10 years since I last got to hang out with you and laugh with you.  I can't help feeling nostalgia when I think about you.   I miss you so much.  Wondering where life would have taken us if I hadn't of moved so far away.  I feel like I'm the only one clinging to what never will be.  Maybe that is the spark that drags me constantly to you... You're living life so differently and I wish I could be an active part of it.  I miss laughing with you.


#filtered

This may be selfish, but I'm so tired of feeling like the stupid awkward outcast.  I see people with eloquent speech and I fumble over myself.  99% of the time I converse with anyone (via social media or in person) I regret what I said wish I could delete the conversation or start over.

I hate being like this.

We just did #unfiltered series at church, yet we're all still #filtered.  It really annoys me to see these "perfect" lives projected around me.  I feel like I'm the ONLY crazy one (Well Kirby too
[he's got to be if he's with me], but he's got it more together than I do, apparently).  God knows how I want someone I can open up to (I'm sure Kirby wants me to get a friend, too).  But I can't because of fear- rejection, not caring, no room for a new friend, etc.

I feel like a vagabond because I don't do everything "all natural" (I happen to believe a combination of homeopathy and modern medicine is the way to go- holistic, I believe is the word... I'll look it up later).  The way (I view) people look down their nose at others because one goes "natural" and another goes "modern medicine" makes me want to close up.

I tried reaching out and I got shot down.  I ask a simple question for a variety of info and felt belittled.  I know getting cut down isn't intentional, but it still kind of hurts deep inside somewhere.

I tried to tell one specific person how it made me feel and you say you're going to not comment any more.  Ugh- I don't even know you- why go to such extremes?  Give me a chance. There is just something about you that draws me to you and I don't even know.

Why do I always feel my spirit clasp onto the wrong people?  Maybe there IS a church buddy that wants to hang out with me and I am too oblivious to even notice...  I need someone as socially awkward as me.  So we can be weirdos together.

ps you really ARE a great singer.

Sunday, May 7, 2017

Singing thoughts

I have a thousand thoughts coursing through me.  Each is vying for individual attention, but I lack the strength to divide myself appropriately.

But right now I'm thinking of you...

Sitting next to you in church used to be my favorite thing in the world.  I would stand closer to you while we sang hymns because I wanted to hear every word.  Your voice made me think of delicate roses blooming so tenderly...  Your voice so velvety, like a petal, twirling and wrapped around notes in a pitch that touched me.

You told me this weekend you didn't want to sing anymore because you're not that good.  Oh- how I wish I would have expressed to you years ago how lovely your singing really was.  How this, among many things, impacted me.  You touched my soul and made the hymns come alive in my spirit. 

It dawned on me that it's been years since I sat next to you in church.  I miss that.  I'll never get to do that again.  I miss hundreds of other things that have come to pass, too. 

That is one of the reasons I requested the 4 plaques of hymns from your house. Your singing and your music helped sculpt me into the person I am today.  They are kind of "old lady-ish" so I'm not sure where to put them, but wherever I finally decide I will be proud to have them.  

I miss so many things and it aches me to visit you knowing I'll never have those things again.  You are still you, but Alzheimer's has stolen many parts of you that were.

What a nasty, nasty disease. 

Friday, May 5, 2017

Love of a Teen

There are a lot of things I wish to say to you.  However, I will keep it brief.

I really wish you could look past your own selfishness and open up your eyes to the pain you’re causing.  You break her heart and just when she’s starting to get her life together you go and string her along for another ride. 

I know you’re both young and figuring things out, but enough is enough.  How many times are you going to do this to someone before you realize it’s emotional abuse?  Obviously, you’re the one in control here.  And you know it.  She continues to hang on and grasp at a future with you because it's HARD letting someone you love go.  As soon as she starts to move on you pull her back and fill her with empty promises. Her heart is not a toy!  You need to look at yourself and correct this behavior right now.

Regardless of who you’re with -or who you’re not with- you have to be respectful of the other person.  If you’re letting them go, actually let them go.  It's not right to play with someone's emotions over and over.  It's not fair to me to watch this toxic relationship, either.  If you regret your decision then maybe you'll think about what you're doing instead of acting rashly.


I'm not your mother, but here is my PSA: The decisions you're making now will affect you for the rest of your life.  The way you are learning to behave now are characteristics that will be harder to change the more you grow into adulthood.  Stop making the same decisions that have the same results and start learning from your mistakes.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

The Way You Are

If I could tell you anything.  I would tell you that I pray for your soul and your happiness daily. There are no words to describe how much I love you.  You are my son and I'm proud of you.



I don't care that you're not like your peers.  If you played sports I would go to every game, but I'm glad I don't have to.  If you made straight A's and B's I'd brag about how smart you are on facebook, but I know grades aren't everything.  Grades don't show character.  You don't have to pass a test for me, I know how clever you truly are.  You don't have to garner a certain persona to gather my pride. I'm proud of you the way you are!!

I would be in denial if I were to tell you that I didn't have dreams for you, because I did.  I could have cultivated you into a person of my agenda, but I wanted you to flourish on your own.  I could have breathed down your back, demanding my idea of an ideal child, but I wanted you to be you.

Even if you make choices I disagree with, I'm proud of your individuality.  I may not always like your opinion, but I value it.  I may disagree with what you're thinking, but I am glad you're thinking independently.  We may butt heads because you don't see the purpose of my rules, but I still love you, even when I go bat crazy and yell about it.  (Sorry for going bat crazy).

If I have regrets- it's that I didn't take more time with you when I had the time to do it.  I was always told, "time flies, they're only little once!"  Until you're a parent, writing a letter to your 18 year old adult child- you don't realize how time really does fly.  When I was 18 and kissing your sweet head I never imagined being 24 and sending you to school. Through my late twenties you created war games that we played.  For every time you asked me to play and I said "not now" I never thought there would be a time I wouldn't be playing them.  God knows how I wish I could go back in time and play your games again! Back then time felt infinite. I never thought I'd be 36 preparing for you to finish school and be ready to move out.  All the things I wanted for you I thought I'd have forever to do them.


I tried so hard to give you what I thought was a good balance (and I had a lot to figure out).  You and I have shared a special adventure none of your siblings can take from you.  Everything I learned to do as a parent- I learned because of you!  Your sister and brother have benefited from our relationship.  Maybe that's not fair... but that is how life goes, isn't it?

YOU taught me how to not be selfish.  YOU helped me learn to be giving and humble and loving. For you I learned the joy of sacrificing for the benefit of others.  I learned to be a better listener. YOU showed me how to truly forgive and forget.  It took a while on this one, but I learned not to over-react.  YOU helped me to be more courteous and respectful. You taught me how to be patient and so much more

YOU showed me how to comfort by comforting me.

It is not possible for me to not desire the best for you and want better for you.  I don't know if I can cease my worrying. As your mother, every time I talk to you my spirit crushes a little more.  When you're so clearly struggling it makes me struggle.  When you ache, I ache.  My heart breaks for you and I know I barely touch the surface of what thoughts swim in your mind.

As someone who cares so deeply for you  I just don't understand why you choose your hurts and internal anguish instead of taking charge to improve yourself.  I can't fathom why you don't want to take control of your bondage and let me (or anyone) help you.  There are so many things you dislike out of your control that is devouring you.  Take the steps you need to make the world a better place for you (I know this is cheesy, but 1 person CAN make a difference).  

Lastly, take a look through my eyes!  I wish you could see you how I see you.  I wish you could see the worth in you that I see.



Saturday, April 29, 2017

over 20 years ago....

To clarify it says:

"from the deep pits
of agony I do stare
into the face of space
There is no one there when
I call.
I fel a yearning to be held and
really loved.
But i'm only 16!  Too young.
Why do I have to wait?
Because there is none
to be for real at this age.
to feel the things and have the laughter of
my youth
I am captive and stuck in
the boundaries of my own paper.
With the scrawel of my pen I can
be the most joyous or the most
of nothing but the
period on my paper."

I can tell by my penmanship how hurting I really was.  Years later, I still remember feeling desolate and lonely, not having a soul in the world to talk to.  I thought I was too much for anyone to understand...

Next time you ask how your child's day was, remember there is probably more going on they aren't telling you.  My older kids are teenagers.  They drive me crazy, but they are real people, sorting out real feelings, dealing with real loves and losses I probably don't even know about.  Maybe next time when talking to a teenager don't push them off as self-centered, typical teenager, but as a person who thinks and feels just as deep as you.


Friday, April 28, 2017

Radiant

The radiant sun licks the ground and delights my eyes in ways my mind can't possibly describe.


Friday, April 21, 2017

epiphany

I had an epiphany today.  ...  So remember yesterday how I blogged about how I'm not as nice as I try to think I am?  Of course not because at this writing I can tell you that I have had 0 views. Anyway- today someone came into work and I received an email from a co-worker with a snarky comment about them.  Of course I laughed out loud and made a response back.

This actually wasn't very nice- and I know it wasn't nice, but I did it anyway.  

Something no one probably knows about me but now you do: in the afternoons on the way home I always say a small prayer.  I thank God for the day, for my job, thinking about my kids at school, my mom, my brother, whatever is on my mind, etc.    

So today I stop in mid-prayer because in all honesty- I just transgressed horribly on someone moments before and they don't even know!  So why do I think I deserve to talk to Him after what I did?  I'm completely flawed.  My sins aren't "serious" offenses.  I'm not murdering people, robbing banks, or anything the like... But I claim to be a Christian and therefore I should be held at a higher standard and more accountable of my actions.  

What I did (as a Christian) by gossiping about someone (to a non-Christian)- what kind of message did I just give?  That this behavior is OK?  Because it's not.  That is not the kind of Christian I want to be, nor the kind of person I want to be. My sin may be "small" but it can infect people with horrible repercussions.

So I don't deserve to be able to pray to a God that loves me.  But then I got to thinking that God loves me just the way I am- flaws and all.  Flaws (sins) and all.... So I'm like how can He?



Then one of my children popped into my head and I remembered a particularly bad decision they made that really hurt me- crushed me, actually.  But I still love them.  I love them no matter what.  I love them even if they make more bad choices (and they will) and if they hurt me again (and they might). Or if they pull away from me, or were to confess they don't love me.  I would love them anyway, just the way they are.  I would listen to them if they wanted to come and talk- even if they made a bad choice minutes before our conversation.

So, there is that. 

I think the guilt today was brought to my attention so I can work on fixing the problem.  I'm sure no matter what I do God loves me and I can only strive to do better when I KNOW I'm doing wrong.  Will I make more mistakes?  Yeah, I'm sure I will and I'd like to think, "not on purpose."

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Observing

I've been trying to "observe" myself this week.  Taking a look at your inner self and not lying to yourself is actually a really hard thing to do.  I tell myself all the time I'm a "good" person and I justify some of my actions by this thought.

But when it comes down to it, I'm not a good person.

I overlook my flaws and occasionally they're pointed out by someone- raw and bleeding in the open, exposed for the dirty little things they are.

So yeah.  At least I'm not a raving jerk (outwardly).  But.... I do still have a lot of growing up to do.  I guess that never really ends- does it?

ps- I don't think any amount of growing up will make me a better morning person.  It will just never happen.

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Choosing Your Happiness

Yesterday I read a FB post from a friend basically about choosing your happiness.  Choosing to let things get to you or not.  Taking control because YOU have control of your happiness.

He's right.... but only to an extent.

Bad circumstances happen and natural negative emotions will over come you.

I guess that's what happened to me.  This person is young- and has not yet discovered the true trials of parenthood or adulthood.  Though not to diminish their own experiences- I'm glad he was able to overcome some of his trials.

Maybe I should take a lesson out of his book?

Enough.

So I read a blog today, http://www.somethingbeautifulinitstime.org/  It's obviously different than this.  It is actually kind of enlightening.   A personal walk on the journey of faith, figuring how to love like Jesus, surrendering yourself to God while still being very human and real.



I know I've been full of melancholy these last few months, but I'm being real.  

I have a lonely keening pain I carry deep inside.  I think I'm the problem.

I want a friend, but I'm too shy.  I'm too introverted.  I'm too awkward.  I regret opening up to people the instant I do.  I wish I could erase my conversations.  I say the wrong thing, it gets taken the wrong way, or I'm opening up to wrong people. I analyze everything.  I look for flaws and wonder if I come off in a different way than I mean.  It always feels wrong.

I want SO bad to call up the people I used to. 

Enough people like me, but no one likes me enough. 

They (I'm not sure who "they" are) say you marry your best friend, but I don't think that's true or else I wouldn't feel like something is so terribly empty in my life.  

Don't get me wrong- My husband IS a candle in my darkness.  He pulls me up when I'm about to slip under and he doesn't even know it. He knows I need affirmation and he pours it on heavy and sticky. Sometimes it annoys me because I want to wallow in self pity.  He knows I need love and patience and kindness and he overwhelms me with it.  For all the times I feel unworthy he tells me I am worth it.  For all the days I don't want to go into public to be seen he tells me how beautiful I am.  He has listened to me intensely as I complain and cry over all the incredible pain I'm in.  He can't fix the things out of my control, but he's there to just be there.  So- shout out, high five, or whatever grand gesture you think of goes to him.  I don't always think I deserve him, but he seems to think I do.  :)

Monday, April 3, 2017

tired

I'm sitting on the outside looking in.

I want to be the smiling person at the table, loving life, laughing.  Oh to laugh.  I don't even remember the last time I truly laughed.  You took a video of me once.  You commented on how giggly I am and how I'm always smiling.   But where is that smile now?

Maybe look under your shoe before you scrape it off.  Maybe you SHOULD bother to check to see what remnants of the forgotten joy you have soiled by stepping on it.

I'm just so tired of being the only one trying.  I'm tired of being the only one with any sense.  I'm so tired of caring.  In fact, I think I'm going to learn to shut that off.




Friday, March 31, 2017

downtrodden

You walk all over me each step crushing my spirit.  I'm barely alive, gasping for air, yet you still demand more from me.

You can't see past your own conceited selfishness, except to view the better way to manipulate me more.  

I love you and I want to despise you.  I am shattered to a thousand pieces and life has spewed me forth with reckless abandon.  You're so self centered you're completely oblivious.  You never look below your nose to even notice the damage you're doing.  I don't even know if you really care.  

Sometimes you say you do, but you never show you do.  At least not to me.  Maybe you don't like me??  




Monday, March 13, 2017

I'm sorry

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I can't be what you need me to be.
I'm sorry I can't read your mind.
I'm sorry life isn't fair.

I'm sorry you won't let me help you.
I'm sorry I don't know how to help you.
I'm sorry you shut me out instead of let me in.
I'm sorry your choices reflect poorly on me.
I'm sorry I let it get to me.

I'm sorry my mind is a jumbled mess and I can't focus on anything in particular.

I'm sorry that I have to take care of myself and my happiness instead of allowing you to take me down your dark paths.

I'm sorry, but I don't know if I can go with you.



Wednesday, February 22, 2017

sickos

Today as I come back from lunch a co-worker is wondering if she has food poison.  Apparently she got sick right after her lunch (and has been to the bathroom twice since I've returned).

I'm sitting here thinking- it's Feb.  Stomach flu is rampant (I know because everyone posts about it on fb [like I REALLY want to know how many times you've hugged John- the toilet- not your husband]).  I'm praying she doesn't infect us all.  I HATE the stomach flu.  It brings out the WORST anxiety in me.

Which brings me to the realization- I am quite often a very selfish prayer-er.  Of course I don't want her to be sick (or her to give to her kids)... BUT more importantly I don't want to be sick and I most definitely don't want to bring that to my kids.  Not only because I don't want them to be sick- but if I'm being completely honest I don't want to deal with them being sick (or the inevitable clean up).

Does that make me the most selfish person of all or what?

I know I have 2 whole readers (unless one of them is me when I sign onto this blog)....  I wonder what they (you) think?

Also- if you are sick WHY don't you go home?  WHY stay to infect us all?   I understand- you gots billz to pay and taking a day off is hard...  but what I don't get- why make everyone around you sick because you're a "trooper?"

... and with that said- why do these people never get sent home?

Thursday, February 16, 2017

lunch plans

Kirby sent me a text and asked me what I was doing at 12:30?

I told him, "sitting in the break room, eating popcorn, contemplating if I should get rid of all my shirts bc I can't compete with a skinny 14 y/o body."  (my daughter keeps wearing my clothes)

He said, "Hmm. I was hoping you'd have lunch with me..."

That sounds like a much better alternative for lunch, I think. 

I'll take it.


torn

You say I don’t understand you, but I know more than you give me credit for.  The real question is do You understand me?  Do you make an effort to put yourself in other's shoes?  Do you have empathy?

I tell you how I feel and you disregard my feelings.  My feelings are of no consequence as long as your desires are met.

You make me feel terrible, but I suck it up because I love you.   You tear me down without even realizing it, battering my self esteem and self worth.  Am I worthy?

I cry to God daily for your health, happiness, and the salvation of you soul because I care about you so deeply. I cry to myself the treatment that is bestowed upon me and you don’t even know it.  I try to tell you, but you think I’m joking.


I love you.  I know you love me, but why can’t you love me back the same way?  Oh, how you vex me- going about your business oblivious to those around you.  It makes me wonder- do I do the same?

Sunday, February 12, 2017

cold in my soul

Valentines Day is coming up.

I used to say this was my favorite holiday.  I don't even know why- I had no reason.  It isn't like anything special happened on it except there is a plethora of romantical movies.  Which, if you're a sap that's friggin awesome, right?!

I am always cold, my fingers and toes on the verge of numbness.  A sweater is my best friend (the rattier the better).  I am always telling Kirby my heart is ice cold, hence why I can cool a burn with my fingertips.

My mom once got married on Valentine's day once.  I was 14 and it was snowy and bitter cold.  The wind whipped my hair and bit into the depths of my soul.  I couldn't feel my toes.  Of course this didn't stop me from wearing a dress.  *The only one of a popular style I owned.  I think I had gotten it for Christmas as I relentlessly talked about how I wanted one -and I SO wanted to fit in. Also, it was a hair small and the style was "out" by time I wore it for this impromptu courthouse wedding.*  Afterwards, my cousins and I sat on the icy seats of a gazebo and I internally begged for time to speed up while shivering (convulsing) in my winter coat.  I have no idea WHY we had to subject ourselves to that.  Photos or something.  Maybe I'll look in the archives (photo books) and see if I can find one to scan later.

Anyway- I think the ice penetrated my heart that day.

That explains a lot, really.


Friday, February 10, 2017

missing giggles

My brain is a mess.  I can’t concentrate. I can’t focus.  I lose my thoughts before I even finish my sentences sometimes. Actually a lot.  I’ve been told it’s an annoying quirk.  My tension probably hovers around a 7 for these last 4ish months.  I’m walking on egg shells.   If you do this I recommend you wear soft sole shoes.

I can’t remember the last time I laughed.  Or rather- the last time I had the giggles.    Where did the fun me go?  Has my joy been sucked out of me? 

I kind of miss me. 

I think if someone said something funny I would probably laugh.  If they tickled me I might have the giggles (they also might end up punched in the face).  I’m not completely desolate here.  

I think... I need a vacation (Don't we all?).  Then just as I say this the sun brightens my window.  Is it a sign? 

Edit- this photo is NOT my view at work.  :(  I get to gaze into other buildings and a parking lot.

long lost

Have you ever known about someone who might be close to you, but they haven’t even heard of you?  Yeah, that.   

I think of all the things I have missed.  I wish I could be a part of their life; I wish things had gone differently.   I wish I hadn’t missed out on so much already….

I never had the opportunity to dote on you like others have.  I would be so proud.  Yet you don’t even know that I exist so you don’t even care, probably.

It is kind of odd, isn’t it?  Knowing I know about you, but you don’t know about me.  Or maybe you do and I don’t know you know?  But circumstances tell me you don’t.

You’re a curious light during some dark times.  I can dwell on you when my world is closing in on me.  Since I don’t know you I can imagine you any way I want.  You’re like Schrödinger’s cat.  Who’s to say you’re not like I imagine?  Who’s to say that if you knew about me you wouldn’t want to meet me, too?

But, ah… life has taken us down different paths and maybe someday the barriers will go down and our paths will cross.  Maybe someday I can make an update to this post tell the world we finally met. 

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Sidelines

My sweet, shy child.  He’s an adult, doing adult things.  Sometimes I think I forget he’s not my quiet introverted boy, but a grown man finishing up his childhood.  He’s getting ready to go into this wide, cruel world.  I wish I could hold his hand and he would take my wise advice, but alas- he insists through his actions that he’s going to just have to figure some (perhaps a lot) stuff out on his own.

I can almost see the anxiety cross his face when it comes to talking to people.  I think he’d prefer no one notice him and at the same time I know he craves attention and needs affirmation.  I think he does things “out of the ordinary” to stand out and sometimes this isolates him deeper.  I don’t know if he’s being himself or following some crowd.  Whatever his deal is or why he does the stuff he does- I’m standing on the sidelines cheering him on willing my positive vibes to soak into his soul.  I hope he knows he can be himself!

There was a time when I thought this young man, despite his reserved personality, wouldn’t have let Heaven move Earth if he put his mind to it.  He was set in his ways, assured me of his decisions.  He was so adamant on what he thought of certain things it broke my heart when I found out this was not the case.  Was he manipulative or manipulated?  I don’t think so.  Curious?  Maybe.  I may never know.

I do know it is particularly hard on me seeing him struggle though his decisions.  I hope he knows I’m not upset with the bad ones.  I, myself, have made a few bad ones….  I hope to see him learn from each one and do better.  It is my wish more than anything to have my own children be better than my own self.     

Friday, January 20, 2017

Coping... (this is more of a rant, so feel free to skip ahead)

I’m making an observation.  Our youth in general have a problem. Coping.  If things aren’t going the way they anticipate- they don’t know how to deal with it. They lack the skills needed to cope.

As a parent of teenagers and young adults- where did I miss the mark in teaching my own offspring this very valuable life lesson?  I try to think back to when they were younger.  Did I coddle them too much?  Did I not give them the chance to suffer the consequences of their poor choices?  Did I tell them that even when they lose they’re still a winner?  And if I did these things- was it taken out of context?

I see an inability to cope in very normal hardships.  For example: struggling in a relationship and they want pills because they can't deal with it or can’t sleep and they want an aide to help them.  I give them my input and advise based on my very similar life experiences and yet it is thrown to the way-side (because I “don’t understand” what they’re going through). 

I really want to say, “Hey! I DO know what I’m talking about! Just amuse me and *try* my advice for a week or two and see if it works or not.”  Sometimes I want to just smack some sense into people, but I know that is not possible (I promise, I have not actually tried).

So... as a floundering whatever I am to these people what can I do?

For example, how do I help them understand that if a relationship is sour and you are about to go through a break up you’re going to be sad?  You may cry and your heart will hurt and you will be depressed for a while... and that is actually very completely normal, even expected.  Many people have been there, and it’s OK.  You’ll pick up the pieces and learn and be a better person from your experience.

How do I help them understand that having a bad day, or 3, or even a week (ugh month!?) is perfectly normal?  Everyone has bad days.  But it’s okay because it won’t be like this forever.  I know because I’ve been there. 

How do I help them understand happiness is not up to the people around you, but for you to take charge of it?  

How do I help them understand they have more power over their situations than they realize?  You can decide if you’re going to dwell on the bad things or dwell on the good things.  You can be thankful for what you have or envious of what you don’t have.  You have the power to like things other people don’t like (and vise versa) and know it’s OK!  You have the power to agree to disagree and move forward.  You have the power to put your energy and time into alienating yourself, putting it all in 1 person, or invest in a variety relationships around you. 

(I feel like "have balance" is my new mantra).  I could go on about THIS, but that would be another blog.

How do I help them understand just because they may be going through a rough patch does not mean they need a pill to get through it?   Quick diagnosis of depression devalues the very important need of the medications available. (Side note: not to get all Big Brother on you, but this is a lucrative business and Big Pharma isn't out for your best interests.  If you want a pill they will get you a pill because they will make money off of your struggles.  They don't care about you.)  

How do I help them understand just because someone you know takes anti-depressants for their situation does not mean what you’re going through is less.  I understand your hurts and struggles are real.  I understand they're raw and sometimes fresh and you don't want to feel that way.  

How do I help them understand that while a pill can do a lot of good it is not a cure for rough patches of life?  Taking medication  because you don't like to feel bad, at best, is a band aid and won’t stop these feelings from coming back.  Hard times will always consume you if you don’t take the steps to get through it.  If you’re taking something to cope you’ll always have to take something and that will do more harm for your well-being.

On this line of thought- How can I help them understand going through a rough time does not necessarily require a diagnosis of depression or anxiety? (Honestly- I think everyone deals with some levels of depression and anxiety, but learning how to cope and work through these is a part of life). Every hiccup in a relationship with someone does not mean an immediate need for counseling (although I am not opposed to therapy at all, we just can’t use it as a crutch).  

Disclamer:  This is my personal opinion and these comments are not to take way from those with an actual chemical imbalance and going through proper treatment- or those not diagnosed that need treatment that have tried to work things through.   If you are going through something and can't do it alone- if you don't feel like you have someone to confide in- please call the suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255 

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Dear Child

To my daughter,
(written 02/05/2015)

Sometimes as a mother saying "I love you" just isn't enough.  Sometimes we have to find a way to let you really know how much

There will never be a pain you have that I won't have had myself.  But I can't break down when you do because I need to hold your hand.  Sometimes I just have to try to be there because you won't let me hold your hand.  There will never be a sorrow you feel that won't pain me as well.  I have to put on a strong face so I can be strong for you. 

Your accomplishments are my pride, but you won't let me run around the room cheering for you.  You happiness brings me unspeakable joy.  I tuck it away so I can smile on it when you're away from me.  Your are a part of my heart, my being, and my soul.  You've been a part of me from the moment I first knew I had the privilege to be the one you call "Mom." 

My lovely daughter, do you know how you provoke me?  I have felt every range of every emotion trying to teach you and raise you into the beautiful woman you're becoming.  I get so frustrated because I want the best for you!  You drive me crazy, but I adore that!  Sometimes I feel anger, but that's okay because I care so much it upsets me that I can't do anything for you. ... Or when you're too stubborn to see that I am right.

Sometimes you hurt me deeply, but no fleeting emotion can ever make me love you less.  It crushes me you're afraid to tell me things becuase you think you're going to be in trouble.     

Sometimes I have to hold it in so I can be strong for you.  I'm sorry if that seems like I don't care.  Sometimes I cry in secret for you.  I hate when your friends hurt you and when you struggle with something new.  I want to do everything for you, but I know you can't grow if I do.

It's hard being a girl.  What you see isn't always what you get.  Sometimes we can feel multiple conflicting emotions about one little thing.