Saturday, January 18, 2014

Changing Perspectives

As you know from a previous blog I'm writing about my divorce.  Here is a skeleton I had to let go recently.  My anger for someone that tried to comfort both my ex and myself in the best way they knew how.....

For so many years I was so angry with you for a particular letter you wrote that I read when I wasn't supposed to.  You probably remember that.  It's funny how even after years have gone by you remember a few particular details and not much else.  It’s those things that can sculpt and transform your memories and continue to draw conclusions to this day.

A while ago I ran into this woman who spoke to me for probably twenty minutes and she knew all about me, the kids, Kirby, and even my divorce.  It was a pleasant conversation, but through it I just couldn't place her.  After she left I asked Kirby who she was. When he uttered her name it rang a bell and I was like “I don’t like her! Why did you let me talk to her for so long?”  Obviously I didn’t mind her very much because we had a quite wonderful little conversation.

So I realize I have to revamp my perspective on things.  I have to let go of invisible chains (perhaps chains I didn’t even know I clutched so tightly) and draw new, more realistic, conclusions.

I know when my first marriage dissolved I felt betrayed by the family and friends of his I had been a part of and loved for so many years.  I felt they "took" his side (And now I see it was rightly so).  I think that was probably one of the hardest things I ever endured.  I lost the man I committed my life to, I lost my closest friend (who was the true betrayer), and I lost a family that took me in and practically helped raise me. And for a time I thought I lost my God.   

In hindsight, I can say if it were one of my children that made a mistake, no matter how abhorrent, I would still pick their side and support them.  I had a lot more support than I realized (sometimes it’s hard to see when you’re blinded by so much hurt) and I know back then (and even now) my ex needs his family and support. I know that you, and everyone else, did what you felt was the best thing you could do, given your knowledge of the situation.

I can’t imagine how hard it was for friends and family to eventually “pick” sides.  I can’t imagine balancing my love for my child and my love for their (future) spouse when things get rough.  I hope not, but I know some day I may be in the predicament. 

So anyway- the point I’m making in writing to you today is because I read one of the comments you made on my old blog.  The few that are left from that dark time of my life.

I know there were things I participated in that were mishandled and in my pain I was misguided in my part.  I felt the victim, to which I still believe for the most part I was, but I know that I wasn’t completely blameless in the outcome of everything.  I did what I felt was the best I could do at the time.  Of course there are things that pop into my head every so often and a wave of embarrassment washes over me.  But I can’t do anything about the woulda, coulda, shoulda’s now.  

So anyway I want to thank you for supporting me as best you could and for the kind words you did leave for my benefit.  The words I chose not to clearly see in that difficult time.  

Gwyneth asks what I think of her (dad's) family and I can honestly say I still love them.  I told her I miss being a part of it, but it is what it is.  I’m no longer a part of that side of the family, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care.  

...and now she has another family that adores her.  A family that took me, and my children, in with open arms.  I think my children are pretty lucky in that perspective.  Something bad happened to me and as a result they are loved even more.   

Bad things happen.  But let's not dwell on that but focus on the good things that have happened.  I love deeper than I ever imagined I was capable of.  I recovered my struggling faith and as a result it is unwavering. 

So I hope you aren’t angry with me for writing, but I just wanted to tell you how I feel after reading one of the comments you made on my old blog.  Perhaps it sank in after seeing it with new eyes.

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