As you know from a previous blog I'm writing about my divorce. Here is a skeleton I had to let go recently. My anger for someone that tried to comfort both my ex and myself in the best way they knew how.....
For so many years I was so angry with you for a particular letter you wrote that I read when I wasn't supposed to. You probably remember that. It's funny how even after years have gone by you remember a few particular details and not much else. It’s those things that can sculpt and transform your memories and continue to draw conclusions to this day.
A while ago I ran into this woman who spoke to me for probably twenty minutes and she knew all about me, the kids, Kirby, and even my divorce. It was a pleasant conversation, but through it I just couldn't place her. After she left I asked Kirby who she was. When he uttered her name it rang a bell and I was like “I don’t like her! Why did you let me talk to her for so long?” Obviously I didn’t mind her very much because we had a quite wonderful little conversation.
So I realize I have to revamp my perspective on things. I have to let go of invisible chains (perhaps chains I didn’t even know I clutched so tightly) and draw new, more realistic, conclusions.
I know when my first marriage dissolved I felt betrayed by the family and friends of his I had been a part of and loved for so many years. I felt they "took" his side (And now I see it was rightly so). I think that was probably one of the hardest things I ever endured. I lost the man I committed my life to, I lost my closest friend (who was the true betrayer), and I lost a family that took me in and practically helped raise me. And for a time I thought I lost my God.
In hindsight, I can say if it were one of my children that made a mistake, no matter how abhorrent, I would still pick their side and support them. I had a lot more support than I realized (sometimes it’s hard to see when you’re blinded by so much hurt) and I know back then (and even now) my ex needs his family and support. I know that you, and everyone else, did what you felt was the best thing you could do, given your knowledge of the situation.
I can’t imagine how hard it was for friends and family to eventually “pick” sides. I can’t imagine balancing my love for my child and my love for their (future) spouse when things get rough. I hope not, but I know some day I may be in the predicament.
So anyway- the point I’m making in writing to you today is because I read one of the comments you made on my old blog. The few that are left from that dark time of my life.
I know there were things I participated in that were mishandled and in my pain I was misguided in my part. I felt the victim, to which I still believe for the most part I was, but I know that I wasn’t completely blameless in the outcome of everything. I did what I felt was the best I could do at the time. Of course there are things that pop into my head every so often and a wave of embarrassment washes over me. But I can’t do anything about the woulda, coulda, shoulda’s now.
So anyway I want to thank you for supporting me as best you could and for the kind words you did leave for my benefit. The words I chose not to clearly see in that difficult time.
Gwyneth asks what I think of her (dad's) family and I can honestly say I still love them. I told her I miss being a part of it, but it is what it is. I’m no longer a part of that side of the family, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care.
...and now she has another family that adores her. A family that took me, and my children, in with open arms. I think my children are pretty lucky in that perspective. Something bad happened to me and as a result they are loved even more.
Bad things happen. But let's not dwell on that but focus on the good things that have happened. I love deeper than I ever imagined I was capable of. I recovered my struggling faith and as a result it is unwavering.
So I hope you aren’t angry with me for writing, but I just wanted to tell you how I feel after reading one of the comments you made on my old blog. Perhaps it sank in after seeing it with new eyes.