Tuesday, December 21, 2010


Something is wrong with Rowan. He cried most of the day yesterday and is working on today, too. He slept horribly- which means I also slept horribly. Kirby thinks my lack of sleep makes me a good mom. He was not around this morning when I woke up...

Rowan is now taking a good nap which means I'm taking a break. I should be sleeping, too, but I've got too much to do... like horse around on the computer. Actually I'm being very quiet because I have my fingers crossed he'll wake up in a good mood if I give him the opportunity to sleep his owies off.

Cept seems like all the dogs in the neighborhood are barking really loud on purpose cuz they know I'm finally taking a breather. Grrr.

I wish I knew what was the matter and more importantly how to make it better. We think maybe he has a tummy ache. He's spitting more than normal. He spits a lot as it is so I think I am going to invent some kind of baby clothes that they can spit and puke and spill on all they want but they're skin will stay dry. He's so naughty- he spit while I was changing from one wet onesie to another.

You know spell check does not recognise onsie? Or is it onesie? Well we'll never know because I am NOT getting my lazy butt up to see.

My brother is in town so that means I haven't really talked to my mom. She also is going back to work this week- or trying anyway. I'm glad he is keeping her busy but I really do feel like being selfish and having her to myself. I worry once her company is gone what she is going to do?

Also I put my dad's obit in the Post and Mail (link below- I also copied and pasted). My gram called my old pastor to see if he wanted to say some words, but he can't. I told her that was okay and I think she was a little upset with me because I already put it in the paper. I felt bad enough waiting so long to do it (but we had to be sure when my brother was going to be in town). Do we really need a pastor? One of my aunts told me my dad was working on an oil rig way back when and saw a Billy Graham concert and gave his life to Christ then. I know my dad was not an avid church goer, but I think his heart was in the right place deep down. I don't think I need words of comfort because I can't see any reason God would turn him at the pearly gates.

I feel like I'm taking most responsibility for this memorial. Memorials are for the living and with that said I really want to make it special for my mom. I know how much he meant to her. I know how much they loved each other. I can't get too mushy cuz it's making my eyes tear up and I've cried enough.

Is it odd that I find it fascinating my dad worked on an oil rig?

Robert Adams, 58
December 21, 2010

Robert James Adams, 58 of Churubusco died at 11:20 p.m. Saturday, Dec. 11, 2010 at Parkview Main Hospital in Fort Wayne.
Born in California, he was a son of John and Connie Adams.
Survivors include his wife, Carol (Sharp) Adams; a son, Jarrod Adams; a daughter, Aryan Young and a brother, Richard Adams.
A memorial service will be held from 1 to 3 p.m. Dec. 26 at 113 W. North Park Drive in Columbia City.

Sunday, December 19, 2010


I never realized my dad advertised my blog to anyone. Good thing I'm not a giant drama queen anymore! That makes me feel good that he found it interesting enough to share. I'm truly sorry my blog is how you all found out. I know when it comes to the cyber world there is never any closure. Either family members will delete the accounts... but more than likely they stay there. Like an empty shell.

I am really enjoying reading the comments from his e bay chat room friends. I'm sure my mom and brother will like to hear all the nice things and little stories, too. I think when we decide on a memorial service date I will include these comments. I am going to make a scrab book thingie or something for my mom. She will really be touhed by everyone's thoughts. Thank you all so much for your kind words!

My dad always talked about the ham radio and his e bay. I also think he liked boating because when I was 12 he sent me photos of a boat he was fixing up. I like knowing that even though he was too weak to go far and socialize (or do things like boating), he still enjoyed the little things life had to offer. Thanks to today's technology even the most home bound person can still socialize and offer a lot of themselves. I remember years (a lot of years!) ago when he told me he sold $5 on e bay. I told my boss about that a couple weeks ago when we were talking about e bay (they have an e bay account). He asked if my dad charged shipping. I don't know. I was going to ask him.

I have never done e bay. But then I've also never gone to an ATM machine. I know... I should get out in the world.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Empty Little Hole

When I was growing I mentioned I was kind of an angry teenager when it came to my relationship with my dad. Just so everyone knows- my dad wasn't the only object of my anger. Also, I wasn't an angry person by any means, but like any other hormonal kid being thrown from childhood into adulthood (not to mention I thought I knew what life was all about, too) I had my share of issues. Deep down it always made me happy that my mom and him found each other again.

Anyway I always felt like I had this empty little spot. A small hole that I knew no one could ever fill except him, my dad. I'll admit I tried to find other ways to fill that gap, but was unsuccessful. No one could ever take his place. I knew I'd never be the snotty little daddy's princess... but I hoped I would have have the opportunity to build a relationship. I did. I'm so glad.

I'm still guilt ridden with the should have's in my relationship. I get so busy like everybody else, caught up in life, and forget what "life" is all about. I always think I'll do it later. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I hope I can stop to smell the flowers more.

Anyway my little hole was filled for a while. Now it's empty again. Of course I know better now than to try to fill it with something else. It's like I was putting water in my gas tank. Or substituting baking soda with flour when making pancakes (which I did once- they were so nasssty!).

Hmm. I should have told my dad that story. I'm glad he got to know the absentminded klutz that I am. I would definitely be a very boring person without my quirks.

Monday, December 13, 2010

It's kind of hard...

I just keep thinking I didn't talk to him as often as I should have. Are there always regrets, what if's, and should haves? I wish I told him I loved him last time I saw him.

It's just that I didn't have a typical father-daughter relationship most people have. He wasn't even in my life for a good portion of it. I was disappointed and angry after the first time I met him when I was a teenager (before my parents re-married). I never felt like I took the time I should have to get to know him or build a solid relationship. He's the quiet type so conversations were often awkward. I just wish I had done more on my end when he did come into my life. I told myself Saturday when the ambulance passed me on the way to the hospital that I was going to have a heart to heart with him... but he never woke up. I wish I hadn't of waited for my heart to heart or that "right" moment.

As I held his hand in the hospital I realized I never really touched him.

I know we had a mutual understanding of each other and I know we loved each other deep down, but we never so much as said so. At least not often as we should have. I know he was proud of me, but I want to know things like his favorite color and why didn't I just ask that stuff when he was there? I knew he was sick and not feeling well, but it never occurred to me that Thanksgiving was the last time I'd see him alive.

Funny- last conversation we had I showed him my ankle scar (I hadn't seen him since before I broke it) and he told me his was bigger.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

I love you, Dad

Kirby and I have been watching Dead Like Me. It is actually a pretty good series with comedy that touches on really hard topics dealing with death, the meaning, why it has to happen, and why that person??

My dad was my mom's rock, her love, her soul mate. I can't even fathom in my mind how it feels for her, no matter how "prepared" you try to make your mind.

I wasn't particularly close to my dad, but I think these last few years we had developed a mutual understanding of each other. I don't remember telling him specifically that I loved him, but I hope he knew it. I wasn't really a daddy's girl... In fact, most of my childhood I was angry he wasn't there. I wanted to know what it was like to have a dad around, but even when I was reunited and had the opportunity- I didn't jump into it. I was happy just knowing that I was part of the reason he moved 2000 miles closer.

I still have every letter, birthday card, and Christmas card I have ever gotten. I know he loved me. I know he was proud of me, even if he didn't say it aloud. Conversations didn't flow like milk and honey all the time, but that was okay. I didn't feel I had much in common, but I was happy to get to know him better. I was excited to see him at family events and that my children got to know him, even though he was often too weak to rough house and play.

Ironically what I've been thinking most about all day was my blog. When I got into a blog drama a couple years ago he got interested in them. Not for the drama, but because of me. He didn't know I liked to blog and looked forward to reading them. I never outright told him, but I knew he liked my blogs so I opened up more than normal to let him in. I liked that he read them. It made me feel special.

I know this is selfish, but I keep thinking I should have blogged more for him and now I feel this little empty hole that he won't be able to read them. It was like my special connection. I should have put more effort into it for him.

I always read and hear people saying to tell people you love them now because you never know, blah, blah, blah, but I never think it's me. How cliche because now I'm passing that message along. Funny, I used to call for my mom and always thought I should talk to him more and I just didn't a whole lot. My dad was the quiet one. He didn't complain and he certainly wasn't a chatter box like myself.

My mom says I have his smile. I think my brother looks a lot like him, though.

Now my focus must avert to my mother. If it's hard on me and my brother I know it's going to be rough on her. I'm worried for her. I love my mom so much and I don't want her hurting. It took her a long time to get to where she was- to find her happiness. We went through a lot growing up and she deserved to be happy once she and my dad rekindled their fire. I wish this was just "another scare" and he could be back with her so her pain could ease.

Lastly, I prayed for my dad (and my mom) every day for months and months for their salvation. I don't know where he stood or how religious he was. I don't know his beliefs and I resolved to myself to ask when he was conscious in the hospital. I never got that chance and now I don't know for sure. He was a good man. I know what the bible says. It doesn't matter if you're a good man or not (and that is so confusing). John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life"

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Ya Like The New Do??

Gave the blog a mini make over. We'll see how well I like it in a couple weeks.

These last couple weeks have been uber fun. If you consider a snotty nose, headache, sore throat, and cranky baby with the same fun. I have been very selfish with my germs so I shared them with Kirby. He is now half passed out on the couch. I should wake him up at 4am when Rowan can't sleep because he's stuffed and make him take the baby so I can get my beauty sleep.

Just kidding, baby (both of you). I wouldn't do that.... or would I? I mean- we can't have me going around with bags under my eyes all the time can we? Isn't wearing baby spit up on me enough for my badge of motherhood?

So anyway my daughter had a fantastic birthday party thing she did. Her friend wanted a limo ride- so that is what they did. I thought it was very unique and clever idea. The limo picked each one of them up, opened the doors for them, and took them to ice cream, too! They were all dressed fancy and got the red carpet (at the mall). They had an open bar (of coke and mountain dew). I'm glad she had fun. It was also pretty hilarious when we knocked on the wall and she thought they were coming before they actually came.

So we're doing Christmas shopping. I was at Toys R Us (do not go there if you can help it, it's ridiculous- but what place isn't this time of year?) and saw this barbie. I was like "Kirby I swear I had this exact barbie when I was little, I remember the peach dress. blah blah blah" (Blah blah blah was not actually said, but I didn't want to bore you with my excitement). He was like "It's vintage 1985" and pointed that label out to me. Apparently they are remaking some. How was I supposed to know? I was too busy admiring her dress to notice what the package said.