Thursday, November 28, 2013

Day of Thanks

I'm not feeling very thankful.  I know.  I should work on that.  

Also, I think it's kind of stupid that we designate one day of the year to be thankful.   Perhaps we would be a much better off people if we were more thankful throughout the year.  Instead of harboring negative thoughts all the time and then forcing ourselves to think beyond what we don't have.  And then only because you'll look like the negative nancy (or ned) that you are and we wouldn't want that, would we?

Well I guess I must be one of the few honest people in America right now because I am a negative nancy sometimes.  I can live with that. 

Maybe my attitude will be better once I get some coffee in me.  Gosh, I am thankful for coffee (and creamer).  ....and my wonderful husband who is pouring some for me right now.   He must see me brooding over the blog. 

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

still angry

Yup...  I was very angry and hurt yesterday.  So I'm told those are normal emotions.  My husband is on my team.  I don't know why anyone would want to be on the nerdy loser side, but apparently he doesn't mind.

Typically my disposition is to let things roll off my back, but once in a while something hits the right nerve and I can't shake it.  A nerve that perhaps has never healed over so many years...? 

I meant everything I said.  However, I am going to have to work on this anger thing before it tears my guts apart.  It's so hard not to be angry at someone that wronged you so unjustly.  It makes me angry knowing that I'm pretty much wasting my energy, too.  Catch 22.

I guess there is something else at the moment I can waste my energy on.  Like time with the best step son ever.  He could have chosen to stay upstairs and play video games, but instead he's getting several games ready to play.

He amazes me.  He doesn't even know the turmoil going on inside me, yet he is so thoughtful.  He "wants" to play a game I've asked for weeks to play (none of the other kids wants to play so I've been vetoed out).

Kirby just said he had an "old man brain"  That has absolutely nothing to do with my whole 'i'm still angry' blog, but it was kind of funny.  I guess I'll try to let this go, if for a moment, and enjoy some family game night time.   

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

A Letter For You

Dear D. B.

Yes this is for you.  You're so lucky you get your own special letter on the Internet.  You've made it in my life as someone who's touched me, but I know you will never care.  You've reiterated to me something I may have forgotten in the last few years.   That life isn't fair.  You've showed me that doing the right thing doesn't really matter.  I forgot that, too.  You reminded me that the nice people usually finish last.

I guess I must have forgotten quite a bit of the lessons I have supposedly learned before.  Thanks for the refresher.   

Do you know why nice people finish last?  Because it's the nice people that help clean up after people like you.  It's the nice people that make sure you're ok before making sure they're ok.  It's the nice people that do the right thing so people like you don't have to.

You did something wrong.  You know it.  I know it.  But I guess that is as far as it goes, isn't it?  You're a selfish person.  I will probably kick myself for years for doing the right thing when it came to you.  I'm sure you won't give me a second thought, though.  By then you'll have done many other wrongs and hurt many other people.  

I hope you got what you wanted.  I hope your parents are proud of the way they've raised you.  To do whatever you want.  To be dishonest.  To run from your mistakes.  To spite any consequences you might deserve.  And I hope they are particularly proud that you refuse to take responsibility for your actions.

As parent myself, well I can't agree with your parents.  Because I'm a nice person.  I've raised my children to be responsible and upstanding citizens.

I wish I could say or do something about this, but the fact is, I can't.  You know it.  You got off clean.  So I guess good for you.  I hope the next person you wrong isn't one of the nice people.  I hope they are as selfish and dishonest as you are. 

Monday, November 25, 2013

controlling anger

So...  I seem to have found myself in a little rut. 

I'm finding that I'm so angry.  It frustrates me to no end when there are circumstances that affect me that are so out of my control.  It's like I'm standing on the outside looking in on other people making decisions about me.  Judging me on something they have never even seen nor experienced.

It's just not fair.  "life isn't fair" mocks me in my head.

Yeah, I know life isn't fair.  And I just really want to say or do something about it, but I know it's a moot point.  I feel so helpless and therefore I'm angry about it. 

People talk about karma.  I don't really believe in karma... so maybe karma has it out to get me and that is why I am on this string of bad luck.

I know it's not all that bad.  I still have my wonderful kids, Kirby, the cats, the dog, my job, awesome friends, co-workers, ect. and the list goes on... but some of this stuff.  Well it's a matter of principal and a matter of my own self worth.

Someone told me the other day to forget about pleasing people because I never will.  If I please myself I'm being selfish... so who should I please?  God.  I should do what I do for Him.  Ok, that makes it a little better to swallow.  But still... I don't understand what God's will is in allowing me to "take the hit" so to speak.  A "hit" that will now taint me for the rest of my life.  Haven't enough bad things already happened to me?


Sunday, November 24, 2013

turn of events

If someone hurt you so deeply and so profound that it's affected you for the rest of your life...  If you've forgiven them in your heart... but still have a ball of pain locked away...  and they suddenly return.

How are you supposed to feel?  What should you say?  Anything?  What do you do?

What if all the hurt comes back?  

Yeah, I don't know either.   

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

more car drama

So today I call my insurance company and it gets even better.  Apparently the officer that wrote up the report stated that we were both at fault.  I just want to say What The Potato Salad??  Are you kidding me?  She hits ME and then she RUNS off and I'm partially at fault?  I've gone over that scenario a billion times in my head.  There is no way I was at fault. She hit me from behind and continued to pass me through the turning lane.  

I should have just let her drive off because I had her license plate #'s.  Uggh.

So basically it's my word against hers.  I've never been in a fender bender in the 16 years I've been driving.  Except that one time I accidentally backed into my ex's car shortly after I found out about the affair.  That was a total freak accident and since that car was technically mine I didn't do a report.   LOL  

Oh yeah and my insurance company calls and says that my name is incorrect on the report.  They submitted some form to the BMV and apparently your names have to match exactly as it is on your license or they will suspend your license.   Great.

Apparently the only person who can amend the report is the police officer himself.

I'm so irritated and annoyed.

So I'm doing this 30 days of thankfulness crap on face book.   Yeah...   I'm not feeling very thankful about much right now.  I told Kirby I need like a pound of chocolate.   

cars go smash!

Sometimes if Rowan is being impatient in traffic he will say "just crash those cars out of the way!"

Well apparently another driver last night had the same mentality of my 3 year old...  So I was turning into a turn lane and she apparently was driving in the median because she totally sideswiped me!  I stopped on impact, but she kept a go-go-going.  

 I stopped on the initial bump at the back of my car.  I wouldn't have been worried about it at all at that point, but she just totally blew me off the road.   Sort of.  So it gets better.  She doesn't stop then!  The light happened to turn green and she goes!  I'm still in shock, but I chase her down.  Through a large parking lot and down a side street!  By this time I called the police and I told them I got side swiped and she drove off... and I was following her.  She goes around to another shopping center lot and finally parks. 

She gets out and tells me she had an interview near here.  Needless to say she missed her interview.  I was feeling really sorry for her last night because she was very young, but at the same time she needs to take responsibility.  I hope she was able to reschedule her interview.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

lovemeowing again

I don't know if I ever told you guys, but I got a new cat... um like over a year ago.   Better to announce this late than never.  I guess I should have made my Meow announcement before the Bandit announcement.   

So...  after my old man cat Garry got sick Poor Gary Kitty  and died (even now it is so hard to say that without tears trying to overcome me) I didn't think I would ever get another cat.  It just hurts so much sometimes.

Anyway fast forward from Jan 2011 to June 2012 and some texts and photos from my cousin in Elkhart- (that's a couple hours drive from where I live) and bam! I have another cat.  Basically- she was taking a couple of her kids to the bus stop (she's got like 5 of various ages like me) and there was this kitten stranded!  She took him home and found out he was box trained and super sweet.  So she sent me a message and basically told me her husband might kill her if she rescues another animal.

So she brought him up from Elkhart and he came home.  Rowan named him Meow.  He is appropriately named as he is the most vocal cat I've ever had.  In recent days we can even have a conversation. 

My conversation goes something like this:
"Did you have a good day today?"
"Did you tease the dog?"
"Meow meeeow"
"I see.  How did you and Millie get along?"
"So you didn't fight too much?"
"How many strings did you steal?"
(silence)  Yup, Meow has a string fetish.... 
"Ok, I understand.  You don't want to get yourself in trouble."
"Are you hungry?  Did you have a good lunch?  How was your yummy cat food?"
"Meow Meeeow Meow"

So Meow is black...  And has a lot of Garry's personality.  I think they might be distant cousins.  Below is when he was learning to use the cat door.   Now I fear he may be getting too tubby to fit at the rate he's grown!    

It was mentioned I should put my "life lessons" like I used to when I blogged more consistently.  I don't know if I have a life lesson...   I guess I could say don't let getting hurt prevent you from loving again.  Sometimes protecting yourself can make you feel even more empty than just risking it.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Magical Acne

Sooo....  I was just thinking about self worth.  Everyone struggles with some sort of self- esteem complex.  I'd like to think that I've overcame most of my self esteem issues.  But I haven't.  I'm just good at worrying about more important things, like cooking dinner, folding laundry, and other boring grown up crap.

Anyway I finally broke down and went to a dermatologist for my acne (you all remember the whole toothpaste on my face fiasco?)  So I just spent ten minutes trying to find that particular blog for you to enjoy.  But I can't.  Short story is I heard that toothpaste on the face over night helps acne.  When, in fact, all it does is get your pillow gross.

OK I looked and found the links!  Yay! Yes I have toothpaste on my face  and Still have a tube of toothpaste  gosh those were so long ago...  

So, like I was saying, I went to the Dr and I got a script.  He said it was expensive and gave me this fancy coupon discount card thingie.  Way cool.  Except when I go to pick it up they tell me that I'm past the age limit for this particular medication.  Past my age limit?  Really?  Since when does medicine have age limits going the other way?   

Wow that makes me feel like an old lady.  So apparently if you're in your 30's (or upper 20's because by the time you're 26 your acne should magically disappear) and your acne hasn't magically disappeared like it was supposed to- you're screwed.  The prescription was over $300, but with my special discount card thingie it was $200something.  If my insurance approved it and I was the "right" age I would have only paid $25.

I don't know how that makes any sense at all.  How you can go from $300 to $25, but whatevs.  Plus it's not fair.  Also it's detrimental to my self-esteem.  Now I do have a complex because I'm getting older.  Great.

Also, I decided my face is not worth $200.   

Oh and the lesson for today:  Remember that even if you're too cheap to spend a billion dollars on yourself that doesn't mean you're not beautiful.  After all it's your guts that count.  

Monday, November 4, 2013

Welcome Stinky Dog!

So I'm not a dog person.  I mean seriously.  I have no desire to be around dogs.  They're not soft, they smell, they slobber,... they yap, they jump on you, they bite at you.  I mean the list goes on and on.  And yes I'm totally generalizing and stereotyping. 

So my co-worker asks me if I would be interested in adopting her dog.  After some seriously deliberation my daughter has been asking me for YEARS and I always say "go ask your dad." my own mind starts a whirling.  So I'm dreaming of car rides with head out of the window (his, not necessarily mine), playing fetch, and long walks in the sunset.  Ok so I added the sunset part. 

My husband and I talked about it over and over and we contemplated with the kids and decided to "try it out" (like dog sit over the weekend) which basically means we're going to get it cuz why would you "try it out" if you really don't want it?

So yup.  I'm the owner of a dog.  A big stinky dog.  He's a husky and if anyone that has huskies has tips on walking him that would really help part of my dog fantasy work. 

Ok so he's super sweet.  I don't really know how anyone can be around him and not a like him.  He's an attention hog and if you smile at him he loves you. So...  Besides eating random things, particularly tissues, and the whole smelly thing, he's great.

He grew up around a cat so he thinks he's a cat.  He's a little rough with the cat toys, but we have yet to try the laser pointer on him. He's kind of heavy to snuggle on the lap, too.  So in all my dog fantasy is mostly coming around.  A little differently than I planned in my head.  I've had to make some adjustments.   Like one of those plug in room freshener thingies.  And brushing him a billion times a week.  Maybe a pair of non-slick socks for when he dribbles over the floor in the kitchen...

My daughter and I gave him a bath tonight.  We might not be the brightest two in the bunch to do that. I know he'll smell super good tomorrow, but man does he smell like a wet dog right now!  Oh and it's supposed to rain the day after tomorrow.  I didn't say we were the brightest two in the bunch.  But I'm thinking 1 day of smelly goodness might be all I need to make my day tomorrow.  

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Holy Cow

It's been almost a year since I last visited here.   Goshes, so much has happened I don't even know where to start!  I am really disappointed the blog app didn't work from my phone.  I tried for months and months.   Perhaps I should try again.  I would be able to blog SO much more if I could use my phone.   Cuz you know- I'm all up and up on the technology crap. 

So what have I been up to?  Well Gavin is in high school.  I don't feel old necessarily on MY birthday.... but on his I'm reminded how much time has passed. 

I saw a little word phrase thingie the other day.   What are those called?  Oh yeah quote!  I saw a quote.  Anyway it was something to the effect of 'I'm 30, but I feel like I'm 20 until I hang out with 20 year olds then I'm like, yeah I'm 30'  Of course I'm older than 30, but I know what they mean.  I totally saw some instagram and facebook posts about a fright night and the one girl said she is finally going to bed at 6am.   Yeah...  I think my all nighters have left the nest.  No way would I want to do that. 

I guess that makes me old, huh? 

Oh what else have I been up to?  I broke my foot doing a flying side kick about 3 months ago.  That sucked.  My ankle still hurts.   Want to cringe?  I sprained my ankle so bad I ripped the bone apart the main ligaments or whatever are attached to.   Yeah.  So when I break things I guess I tend to break them good.