Friday, April 15, 2011

Good News: I am human

So have you ever been tempted to do something you know you shouldn't? Something that you know if you do it's only going to hurt you. But it's so tempting and you're so curious!! So what do you do?

Well if you're human you're going to do it anyway despite the fact you know it's going to hurt you. The good news is I don't think there is any doubt I'm human now. The bad news is I still do idiotic things.

So the other day I was talking to this lady on face book- specifically I asked her for her address because I'm having a thing for business and wanted to send her an invite. To be honest I didn't really know who she was. We had mutual friends from a previous job. I'm so terrible with names, especially at that place, so I assumed she worked there and I just didn't remember her. It was obvious she knew me, though. She was like "I live in X state so I don't know if you would still want me to come" I ask her when she moved. She was like I didn't. What?!

Turns out she didn't work there. She is some random customer and I don't even know how she knows me because I didn't even recognize her company. She certainly wasn't my customer. So yeah, I think I'll be removing her off of my friends list. Normally I don't accept people I don't know so WHY did I add her to start with? Who knows?

Who knows how my mind works? I bet Kirby asks himself that every day.

Thursday, April 14, 2011


So I went searching for my skeletons with matches in hand. I wonder if skeletons can burn? I didn't come up with any. They must really be hiding because I'm sure they're there. I am most definitely the least perfect person on this Earth.

I pulled out Pandora's box to see what I could find. I have my memories, but surely I have hard evidence. Memories are deceitful. They exaggerate, but letters, markings, and things carved to last. They do not lie. A volcano may disguise itself as a strong mountain, but trails of lava never disappear.

I did, however, come to a realization. About what I thought I once had. I know- I made a ton of blogs on love and what I thought it was, what I learned. Love is such a gray object. It can be interpreted so many different ways and there are so many different kinds and levels. It's like candy. There is no perfect kind of candy, but there is better candy. There is also your favorite candy. You can't have two favorites. One is the rare stuff you savor and make it last as much as possible. Then there is the kind that you always have around and can easily be forgotten. I am the regular favorite. The one that is always there, not being significant.

What else am I going to do? I'm not the one that got away. I'm the one you put on your grocery list and I'm the one you don't get as upset when the kids steel me when you're not looking.

The great love my heart shared... well it was all for not. My love looks like amateur wrestling. No matter what great of a show I put on it was still never going to be real. So when I did find something that was real I'm like the new guy stumbling around. I get some good shots in, but in the end I'm submitted.

You ever get the feeling you like someone more than they like you? Or they are keeping a deep secret from you because they know it'll hurt you? I'm tired of that feeling. I'm tired of the daily reminder that I will never compare. I'm tired of being 2nd place. I joke that 2 is a bigger number, but we all know 2nd is still not first.

When I think of his love and all that I do know about it, it's so intoxicating that I'm almost intoxicated, too. I almost have a notion to push them back together. They were so good together back in their day. The deserved and needed each other. They weren't living until they discovered that love. When you have had a love like that it's no wonder no one could capture your heart. You already gave it away! It makes me drunk thinking of the wreckless carefree love I could never have. The love I desire, but will never get. The love I know you spent years trying to get back. The woman that you said was your soul mate and the words weren't empty when they were uttered. They were hammered into your soul as well as hers. That love was toxic and real. My love was safe guarded and sucked out of me.

Is it better to have loved and lost than not loved at all?

Wednesday, April 13, 2011


Although the paper fades, the ink does not.
It's embedded forever with the ball point pen.
Some day the paper will disintegrate,
but the words are etched for ever.

You know archaeologists have found tattoos on prehistoric men and women? Marks of war, love, famine, and fortune proclaim on mummified bodies telling a tale of their lives- hundreds even thousands of years later.

If you have professed your love from the innermost depths of your soul is there room to love another? Where does that room come from? Is the love tainted?
If you gave your heart to someone then how can you give it away again?
If you gave your heart to someone and they broke it wouldn't they still have the pieces anyway?
If your heart was thrown away how do you know where to look for it? How do you know when they threw it away? What if they still have the pieces and plan on fixing them some day?
Can you even ever really get your heart back once you give it to someone?

If it's etched on a note and was once carved into your soul, and another soul- a covenant made that your heart, life, or possibly even your soul itself belongs to someone then how can you possibly give make that same promise again?

Your are not born with two hearts, no one has ever heard of two soul mates. You can't declare one thing for two people. What's done is done. They came in 2nd place. They are 2nd best.

So why commit your life to someone that could never grasp even a fragment of your heart? Why try to love if you know you can never fully give yourself to that person? It would be an empty offer. A mendacious heart. A lying heart. A heart that will never truly ever be touched, not even with the most delicate sliver of your own heart.

How can you just turn off your adulation and the promise you made them and yourself in a moment? Does it ever go away? If you meet someone else do you just bury it only to take it out again when they don't compare? When things go wrong will that first love always linger? How can you love with all your heart if someone always has a piece of it?

What about "the one that got away" and where do I fit in?

But what is this, my own skeletons? I would burn them all if only I knew where to look. I despise every little reminder of something that I thought once was. It is like I lived a lie.

I was blinded and bound; I didn't know any better. All I needed was to have the blinds removed so I could see. I was going through the motions living with the decisions I made. I hid in a shield of false happiness to hide away how I really felt. I didn't think I was even human until my heart was broken. I never gave it away. I always held onto it and the pieces cut deep into me. For every time I was able to embrace a piece of happiness it was taken away from me. I don't even know where I fit into this world.

Monday, April 11, 2011

My Bestie

For some reason lately I keep thinking of that time back in winter/spring of 2009. I thought my life was perfect. There wasn't a thing that I would have done to change it. But like all things I got ants in my pants and changed it up.

Of course there has been lots of changes. Like my job (or lack there of), my new baby, me, me, me. Yeah I get tired thinking about me all the time. I guess if I had some friends to occupy my mind I wouldn't have to. I mean I have lots of friends, but I really miss the bonding you do when you're working with them. You know what I mean- the group of you that can get along, even that token annoying person, because you have that one common thing. Work. I like work.

I really am enjoying my time home with Rowan and all that. I love writing in my book, moving rooms, and going to lunch with my Mom every Friday... but I went to a little party thing and of course most of the people I knew because I used to work there. I know this is silly because if I did work there I'd probably be all "I wish I could quit" but I really wish I could be accepted. The money is nice, but it's the people is why I'd be crazy enough to go back.

I just don't have that bond with any of my girlfriends anymore (or anyone hence the missing working at that place). You know, that kindred spirit kind of bond like in Anne of Green Gables. I don't really have a bff (bff's are for fools). Okay I only said that because I'm jealous. I'm like the only girl in the world that doesn't talk about my "bestie" or write our names in a heart with an arrow- oh wait that last one was for lovers. I suppose I could do that with Kirby.

I'll be blunt. It really sucks I don't have a bestie of all my own that I can actually talk to and stuff. Maybe I should send letters to all my girlfriends and have them check the bff box to find one that way.

It's probably good that I'm already married. If I were to plan a wedding I wouldn't have a maid of honor. How sad is that?? You know what's sad? I have never been in a wedding (besides my own and that doesn't count... or my mom's when I was like 12 or something).

Okay I'm done sulking for now I guess I'll go do something productive. Like facebook.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011


I know that I need to blog more, but I guess being a new mother you just never have time... and it also helped before when I could do it from my phone and I did it when I couldn't sleep. I no longer have a "smart" phone. My phone isn't dumb by any means, but it doesn't know any better.

Anyway my house has been topsy turvy because we have officially moved Rowan out of our room. That doesn't sound like much of a project considering the largest thing of his is only a crib... but when it means moving the older boys into the loft, Gwyneth into their old room, him in her old room, and then we decide (as if we're not crazy enough) to get a new bedroom suite and redo OUR room. Oh did I mention we have to find homes for everything that was in the loft? So I'll be participating this year in the garage sale our edition does every year. See ya there!

I have been writing a lot the last couple weeks before this project showed it's ugly head. I think it might actually turn out pretty okay. I guess we'll have to see once I'm done. I do it when Rowan is napping so it's going a lot slower than I anticipated. Maybe I'll actually publish it and make some money. I think the important thing is that I do it because I want to, not because I have to.

I really need to find something to do with myself to make myself feel productive. I haven't worked since Frankenankle. Well I have, but not much. I feel like I'm foundering out there. Good think Kirby can help us while I'm flopping around on the ground. Cuz if we were both fish out of water I think we'd both be in trouble.

Well I really have a lot to say, but no time right now. I'm going to play
Dominion. Maybe I can be successful there. It is a friggin awesome game if you have never played. Never mind we are not going to play. poop. I guess we'll just sit in front of the boob tube for an hour.