Tuesday, May 6, 2014

evil teens or a bad mother?

I don't know where I got the notion I was a good kid when I was 15...  because I think there is a special evil in every 15 year old that is out to get their parents.

Ok.  Maybe I just said that because I'm so tired.  I've been struggling with small things for months now.  I'm exhausted.  I thank God we're not dealing with teen pregnancy, doing drugs, robbing from family members....   but none the less, I still have to be on my A game as a parent.   I still have to instill my rules, values, and consequences when necessary.

My oldest has been grounded since February.  They decided not to do school work and I allowed them to flounder on their own for about a month in hopes they would make the right decision...  but unfortunately they never buckled down to do what needs to be done.  I had to intervene.

My child says they don't understand the point in grounding.  They don't see how taking something they like will motivate them to make better decisions.  Long story short- since about the end of Feb I've had an extra phone and computer.

The only prerequisites to getting the stuff back was A.) Bring your grades up to a C or better and  B.) give me your passwords to your devices.

Side note: I might brag that almost every assignment turned in is like A+'s and B's. One of the teachers advised I should prepare for summer school, but I think we're in the clear.

For the most part I respect my children's privacy.  As long as they are being responsible and give me no problems I won't be all up in their business. However, if you're making bad decisions and need disciplined or I am worried I WILL nose in your life and see what's up.  Especially if you're not talking with me.

This child didn't want to cough up the passwords.  They don't think I should be invading their privacy.  The only thing that keeps running through my mind was me when I was 15, and all my friends.   Most of my friends at that age needed their parents more than their parents realized.  I'm sure I did, too.  In fact...  I KNOW I did!  In general I wasn't bad, but I made some pretty poor decisions from time to time. 

So in my minds eye- if you don't want to be honest and communicative with your parents then you're hiding something.  More than likely whatever this child of mine is hiding is probably not a big concern.  But the fact is- I don't know. 

I got some passwords recently, but they were wrong.  So now we're back to square one.  I want to give up.  I'm tired of butting heads.  I'm tired of making them hate me.  I'm tired of being the bad guy.

But I can't stop being a mom no matter how much I wish I could.  I can't treat one child different.  I can't enforce rules on one child and not on the others because they don't "feel" like it.  My children, I love more than I could ever describe, are my responsibility.  God saw fit to allow me to be mom to these kids and I have to do what I feel is in their best interest.  Even if they don't like it.  Even if it makes them mad at me and want to go live with their dad.  I have to be the grown up.

It really stinks.  I don't want to ground them!  Don't they know it's punishment for me, too?  I hate making them unhappy!  Discipline makes me feel like I'm a billion miles away while my child sits next to me.  Discipline makes walls grow.

I never realized being a parent would zap the fun and life out of me.  I feel like all I do is hound, complain, nag, and lecture (or as they say "yell" even though I rarely raise my voice).  I hate being this way.  I pray every day I make the right decisions for my children.  I know I can't be their friend because I'm their mom.  I just didn't know how hard it would be!  I never realized how much my children would break my heart and hurt me and they don't even know.  I wish they knew that I am the way I am because I love them.  Maybe someday they will?

Ugh teenagers.... and I've just begun, haven't I?