Wednesday, May 3, 2017

The Way You Are

If I could tell you anything.  I would tell you that I pray for your soul and your happiness daily. There are no words to describe how much I love you.  You are my son and I'm proud of you.

I don't care that you're not like your peers.  If you played sports I would go to every game, but I'm glad I don't have to.  If you made straight A's and B's I'd brag about how smart you are on facebook, but I know grades aren't everything.  Grades don't show character.  You don't have to pass a test for me, I know how clever you truly are.  You don't have to garner a certain persona to gather my pride. I'm proud of you the way you are!!

I would be in denial if I were to tell you that I didn't have dreams for you, because I did.  I could have cultivated you into a person of my agenda, but I wanted you to flourish on your own.  I could have breathed down your back, demanding my idea of an ideal child, but I wanted you to be you.

Even if you make choices I disagree with, I'm proud of your individuality.  I may not always like your opinion, but I value it.  I may disagree with what you're thinking, but I am glad you're thinking independently.  We may butt heads because you don't see the purpose of my rules, but I still love you, even when I go bat crazy and yell about it.  (Sorry for going bat crazy).

If I have regrets- it's that I didn't take more time with you when I had the time to do it.  I was always told, "time flies, they're only little once!"  Until you're a parent, writing a letter to your 18 year old adult child- you don't realize how time really does fly.  When I was 18 and kissing your sweet head I never imagined being 24 and sending you to school. Through my late twenties you created war games that we played.  For every time you asked me to play and I said "not now" I never thought there would be a time I wouldn't be playing them.  God knows how I wish I could go back in time and play your games again! Back then time felt infinite. I never thought I'd be 36 preparing for you to finish school and be ready to move out.  All the things I wanted for you I thought I'd have forever to do them.

I tried so hard to give you what I thought was a good balance (and I had a lot to figure out).  You and I have shared a special adventure none of your siblings can take from you.  Everything I learned to do as a parent- I learned because of you!  Your sister and brother have benefited from our relationship.  Maybe that's not fair... but that is how life goes, isn't it?

YOU taught me how to not be selfish.  YOU helped me learn to be giving and humble and loving. For you I learned the joy of sacrificing for the benefit of others.  I learned to be a better listener. YOU showed me how to truly forgive and forget.  It took a while on this one, but I learned not to over-react.  YOU helped me to be more courteous and respectful. You taught me how to be patient and so much more

YOU showed me how to comfort by comforting me.

It is not possible for me to not desire the best for you and want better for you.  I don't know if I can cease my worrying. As your mother, every time I talk to you my spirit crushes a little more.  When you're so clearly struggling it makes me struggle.  When you ache, I ache.  My heart breaks for you and I know I barely touch the surface of what thoughts swim in your mind.

As someone who cares so deeply for you  I just don't understand why you choose your hurts and internal anguish instead of taking charge to improve yourself.  I can't fathom why you don't want to take control of your bondage and let me (or anyone) help you.  There are so many things you dislike out of your control that is devouring you.  Take the steps you need to make the world a better place for you (I know this is cheesy, but 1 person CAN make a difference).  

Lastly, take a look through my eyes!  I wish you could see you how I see you.  I wish you could see the worth in you that I see.

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