sickos

Today as I come back from lunch a co-worker is wondering if she has food poison.  Apparently she got sick right after her lunch (and has been to the bathroom twice since I've returned).

I'm sitting here thinking- it's Feb.  Stomach flu is rampant (I know because everyone posts about it on fb [like I REALLY want to know how many times you've hugged John- the toilet- not your husband]).  I'm praying she doesn't infect us all.  I HATE the stomach flu.  It brings out the WORST anxiety in me.

Which brings me to the realization- I am quite often a very selfish prayer-er.  Of course I don't want her to be sick (or her to give to her kids)... BUT more importantly I don't want to be sick and I most definitely don't want to bring that to my kids.  Not only because I don't want them to be sick- but if I'm being completely honest I don't want to deal with them being sick (or the inevitable clean up).

Does that make me the most selfish person of all or what?

I know I have 2 whole readers (unless one of them is me when I sign onto this blog)....  I wonder what they (you) think?

Also- if you are sick WHY don't you go home?  WHY stay to infect us all?   I understand- you gots billz to pay and taking a day off is hard...  but what I don't get- why make everyone around you sick because you're a "trooper?"

... and with that said- why do these people never get sent home?

lunch plans

Kirby sent me a text and asked me what I was doing at 12:30?

I told him, "sitting in the break room, eating popcorn, contemplating if I should get rid of all my shirts bc I can't compete with a skinny 14 y/o body."  (my daughter keeps wearing my clothes)

He said, "Hmm. I was hoping you'd have lunch with me..."

That sounds like a much better alternative for lunch, I think. 

I'll take it.

torn

You say I don’t understand you, but I know more than you give me credit for.  The real question is do You understand me?  Do you make an effort to put yourself in other's shoes?  Do you have empathy?

I tell you how I feel and you disregard my feelings.  My feelings are of no consequence as long as your desires are met.

You make me feel terrible, but I suck it up because I love you.   You tear me down without even realizing it, battering my self esteem and self worth.  Am I worthy?

I cry to God daily for your health, happiness, and the salvation of you soul because I care about you so deeply. I cry to myself the treatment that is bestowed upon me and you don’t even know it.  I try to tell you, but you think I’m joking.

I love you.  I know you love me, but why can’t you love me back the same way?  Oh, how you vex me- going about your business oblivious to those around you.  It makes me wonder- do I do the same?

cold in my soul

Valentines Day is coming up.

I used to say this was my favorite holiday.  I don't even know why- I had no reason.  It isn't like anything special happened on it except there is a plethora of romantical movies.  Which, if you're a sap that's friggin awesome, right?!

I am always cold, my fingers and toes on the verge of numbness.  A sweater is my best friend (the rattier the better).  I am always telling Kirby my heart is ice cold, hence why I can cool a burn with my fingertips.

My mom once got married on Valentine's day once.  I was 14 and it was snowy and bitter cold.  The wind whipped my hair and bit into the depths of my soul.  I couldn't feel my toes.  Of course this didn't stop me from wearing a dress.  *The only one of a popular style I owned.  I think I had gotten it for Christmas as I relentlessly talked about how I wanted one -and I SO wanted to fit in. Also, it was a hair small and the style was "out" by time I wore it for this impromptu courthouse wedding.*  Afterwards, my cousins and I sat on the icy seats of a gazebo and I internally begged for time to speed up while shivering (convulsing) in my winter coat.  I have no idea WHY we had to subject ourselves to that.  Photos or something.  Maybe I'll look in the archives (photo books) and see if I can find one to scan later.

Anyway- I think the ice penetrated my heart that day.

That explains a lot, really.

missing giggles

My brain is a mess.  I can’t concentrate. I can’t focus.  I lose my thoughts before I even finish my sentences sometimes. Actually a lot.  I’ve been told it’s an annoying quirk.  My tension probably hovers around a 7 for these last 4ish months.  I’m walking on egg shells.   If you do this I recommend you wear soft sole shoes.

I can’t remember the last time I laughed.  Or rather- the last time I had the giggles.    Where did the fun me go?  Has my joy been sucked out of me? 

I kind of miss me. 

I think if someone said something funny I would probably laugh.  If they tickled me I might have the giggles (they also might end up punched in the face).  I’m not completely desolate here.  

I think... I need a vacation (Don't we all?).  Then just as I say this the sun brightens my window.  Is it a sign? 

Edit- this photo is NOT my view at work.  :(  I get to gaze into other buildings and a parking lot.

long lost

Have you ever known about someone who might be close to you, but they haven’t even heard of you?  Yeah, that.   

I think of all the things I have missed.  I wish I could be a part of their life; I wish things had gone differently.   I wish I hadn’t missed out on so much already….

I never had the opportunity to dote on you like others have.  I would be so proud.  Yet you don’t even know that I exist so you don’t even care, probably.

It is kind of odd, isn’t it?  Knowing I know about you, but you don’t know about me.  Or maybe you do and I don’t know you know?  But circumstances tell me you don’t.

You’re a curious light during some dark times.  I can dwell on you when my world is closing in on me.  Since I don’t know you I can imagine you any way I want.  You’re like Schrödinger’s cat.  Who’s to say you’re not like I imagine?  Who’s to say that if you knew about me you wouldn’t want to meet me, too?

But, ah… life has taken us down different paths and maybe someday the barriers will go down and our paths will cross.  Maybe someday I can make an update to this post tell the world we finally met. 

Sidelines

My sweet, shy child.  He’s an adult, doing adult things.  Sometimes I think I forget he’s not my quiet introverted boy, but a grown man finishing up his childhood.  He’s getting ready to go into this wide, cruel world.  I wish I could hold his hand and he would take my wise advice, but alas- he insists through his actions that he’s going to just have to figure some (perhaps a lot) stuff out on his own.

I can almost see the anxiety cross his face when it comes to talking to people.  I think he’d prefer no one notice him and at the same time I know he craves attention and needs affirmation.  I think he does things “out of the ordinary” to stand out and sometimes this isolates him deeper.  I don’t know if he’s being himself or following some crowd.  Whatever his deal is or why he does the stuff he does- I’m standing on the sidelines cheering him on willing my positive vibes to soak into his soul.  I hope he knows he can be himself!

There was a time when I thought this young man, despite his reserved personality, wouldn’t have let Heaven move Earth if he put his mind to it.  He was set in his ways, assured me of his decisions.  He was so adamant on what he thought of certain things it broke my heart when I found out this was not the case.  Was he manipulative or manipulated?  I don’t think so.  Curious?  Maybe.  I may never know.

I do know it is particularly hard on me seeing him struggle though his decisions.  I hope he knows I’m not upset with the bad ones.  I, myself, have made a few bad ones….  I hope to see him learn from each one and do better.  It is my wish more than anything to have my own children be better than my own self.