Monday, October 25, 2010


Yanno- I wanna blog and be all quirky and stuff... I just don't have it in me when I'm sleep deprived. Although that is when I do my best work. Instead of blogging with my phone in the middle of the night I've got a bottle in someone's mouth. Oh how life changes huh?

So I have a lot on my mind, including what to do about the ole job sich-ee-a-tion. I technically still have my current job... I am waiting for a mess with disability to clear up (or not) and see how I stand from there. I've wanted to blog about it and complain, but really- who wants to read about my complaining when they hear me talk about it enough?

Seems like lately I have had a lot of pitfalls. It seems like the things that are "easy" in life are really difficult and the things that are "hard" are not too bad. Sometimes I don't feel so much like getting out of my jammies (today for one, I didn't) and then others I go all out with the making up my face and stuff. Some weird moods. Supposedly I still have those hormones making me bonkers??

Oh if only I had the answers... at least some. I'm tired of feeling guilty for Kirby for MY situation. After all, it's really my fault I'm in the position I'm in. I wish my past decisions would stop haunting me and let bygones be bygones. I know it's all in my head. I can feel it rattle around in there when I shake it.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Won't Be Racing Anytime Soon

But I am walking!! woo hoo. I have a horrid limp (I know it'll get better) and it makes me think of Frankenstein zombie or something. I felt stupid going to the mailbox. At least with the giant boot I looked like I had an excuse. Now I look like a normal person impersonating a cripple.

So anyway it's great to be free, but my ankle is really hurty. So Garry hopped up on the counter (apparently he's been doing it a lot these last 2 1/2 months I have not been very mobile) and I yelled at him. He looks at me like "so whatcha gonna do about it???" I'ma get up and kick your hiney! That's what. I yell again with more mean growel. He struts his stuff cuz really- what am I going to do?

Normally by now I'd jump up fast as lightning, sprint over, and barely miss swatting (cuz he may be old, but he's still got those feline reflexes no matter how fast I am). But we all know there is no "normally" left for a while. I hop up from my chair- too fast because I tremble in pain in my ankle.

I'm sure he'd laugh if cats had laughing boxes. You know what he does? Any ordinary cat would be high tailing it out of there once the human stands up. He stares at me smiling (I know he was). He actually made me hobble over toward him to feebly think of swatting him off. By my third hobble I've made it 2 feet from my chair and he decides he's tortured me enough. He slowly walks to the end of the counter and nonchalantly jumps off and avoids me for the rest of the afternoon.

Sunday, October 3, 2010


I was going to title this "frustrations" and as soon as I did that I got a hangnail and that was kind of frustrating. Then I thought who would want to read a blog titled "frustrations?" Cuz that'll mean the blog is all whiney. No- what people like is drama and secrets! So viola! There we go.

So anyway I really AM frustrated, but I put on my happy face. You know the one. I just don't feel like it when I'm alone. Which is the majority of the day. Sometimes I feel like my mind is numb. It's like back in 8th grade when I thought I had life figured out and I only functioned because that was it. I guess I just want people to think that things are better with me (inside) than they really are. It's easier to say "fine" when asked how I'm doing. And do people REALLY want to know? I don't think so.

My mind is a roller coaster.

I love my home life, but not my job (and I haven't even gone back yet). Is it bad I get all anxious just thinking about it? I dread going back there. Spending 1/3 of my life at some place that can't even fake treat me as a valued person is just not something I look forward to subjecting myself to.

I keep thinking of those women that say they don't even want to get undressed in front of their husbands because of their bodies. I don't want to be like that, but I feel like it now. I cried this morning because I can't even wear most of my maternity pants due to unusual hyper sensitivity in my belly. I'm sure this is a c-section thing. How can I feel beautiful when physically I'm in pain? I cried this morning because it just exhausts me.

So I'm pretty much over the ankle and walking like a robot thing. Well not over it per-say, but used to it. I can't say it's still annoying (because going on 2 1/2 months it IS), but the light is at the end of the tunnel. By the end of the week I'll be taking the boot off and off I go... (applause inserted here). Okay so it probably won't be that easy; it'll be baby steps. Any steps are better than none, right?

With that said- I'm frickin scared out of my mind. I keep having vivid dreams and day dreams of my foot being so weak it just flops and snaps. Makes me shudder. Shuddering kinda makes the belly hurt. wierd.

So I was thinking about some of my 'funny' quirky blogs. I kinda miss that me. It's been a hard road and I know I've had hard roads before. I'm ready to find that fork to easy lane.

I still laugh a lot. Mostly at Rowan. He burped in my face this evening. It smelled like baby formula. That made me laugh. Oh and it seems like the only time he takes a dump is when he's in my lap. Luckily I have not had any squirt on ME (yet).

I really love being a mom. I would give up anything to be able to stay home with him and do the housewife thing. Maybe learn to cook (better) and me & the baby go grocery shopping. I'm already domesticated in the coupon clipping area.

Last thing for tonight- I promise at some point I will end up doing something silly I can blog about and we can all get some laughs again. Also, it's been a while since I blogged about my cats. I know you miss them.