Monday, May 8, 2017

missing you.

It's been 10 years since I last got to hang out with you and laugh with you.  I can't help feeling nostalgia when I think about you.   I miss you so much.  Wondering where life would have taken us if I hadn't of moved so far away.  I feel like I'm the only one clinging to what never will be.  Maybe that is the spark that drags me constantly to you... You're living life so differently and I wish I could be an active part of it.  I miss laughing with you.


This may be selfish, but I'm so tired of feeling like the stupid awkward outcast.  I see people with eloquent speech and I fumble over myself.  99% of the time I converse with anyone (via social media or in person) I regret what I said wish I could delete the conversation or start over.

I hate being like this.

We just did #unfiltered series at church, yet we're all still #filtered.  It really annoys me to see these "perfect" lives projected around me.  I feel like I'm the ONLY crazy one (Well Kirby too
[he's got to be if he's with me], but he's got it more together than I do, apparently).  God knows how I want someone I can open up to (I'm sure Kirby wants me to get a friend, too).  But I can't because of fear- rejection, not caring, no room for a new friend, etc.

I feel like a vagabond because I don't do everything "all natural" (I happen to believe a combination of homeopathy and modern medicine is the way to go- holistic, I believe is the word... I'll look it up later).  The way (I view) people look down their nose at others because one goes "natural" and another goes "modern medicine" makes me want to close up.

I tried reaching out and I got shot down.  I ask a simple question for a variety of info and felt belittled.  I know getting cut down isn't intentional, but it still kind of hurts deep inside somewhere.

I tried to tell one specific person how it made me feel and you say you're going to not comment any more.  Ugh- I don't even know you- why go to such extremes?  Give me a chance. There is just something about you that draws me to you and I don't even know.

Why do I always feel my spirit clasp onto the wrong people?  Maybe there IS a church buddy that wants to hang out with me and I am too oblivious to even notice...  I need someone as socially awkward as me.  So we can be weirdos together.

ps you really ARE a great singer.

Sunday, May 7, 2017

Singing thoughts

I have a thousand thoughts coursing through me.  Each is vying for individual attention, but I lack the strength to divide myself appropriately.

But right now I'm thinking of you...

Sitting next to you in church used to be my favorite thing in the world.  I would stand closer to you while we sang hymns because I wanted to hear every word.  Your voice made me think of delicate roses blooming so tenderly...  Your voice so velvety, like a petal, twirling and wrapped around notes in a pitch that touched me.

You told me this weekend you didn't want to sing anymore because you're not that good.  Oh- how I wish I would have expressed to you years ago how lovely your singing really was.  How this, among many things, impacted me.  You touched my soul and made the hymns come alive in my spirit. 

It dawned on me that it's been years since I sat next to you in church.  I miss that.  I'll never get to do that again.  I miss hundreds of other things that have come to pass, too. 

That is one of the reasons I requested the 4 plaques of hymns from your house. Your singing and your music helped sculpt me into the person I am today.  They are kind of "old lady-ish" so I'm not sure where to put them, but wherever I finally decide I will be proud to have them.  

I miss so many things and it aches me to visit you knowing I'll never have those things again.  You are still you, but Alzheimer's has stolen many parts of you that were.

What a nasty, nasty disease. 

Friday, May 5, 2017

Love of a Teen

There are a lot of things I wish to say to you.  However, I will keep it brief.

I really wish you could look past your own selfishness and open up your eyes to the pain you’re causing.  You break her heart and just when she’s starting to get her life together you go and string her along for another ride. 

I know you’re both young and figuring things out, but enough is enough.  How many times are you going to do this to someone before you realize it’s emotional abuse?  Obviously, you’re the one in control here.  And you know it.  She continues to hang on and grasp at a future with you because it's HARD letting someone you love go.  As soon as she starts to move on you pull her back and fill her with empty promises. Her heart is not a toy!  You need to look at yourself and correct this behavior right now.

Regardless of who you’re with -or who you’re not with- you have to be respectful of the other person.  If you’re letting them go, actually let them go.  It's not right to play with someone's emotions over and over.  It's not fair to me to watch this toxic relationship, either.  If you regret your decision then maybe you'll think about what you're doing instead of acting rashly.

I'm not your mother, but here is my PSA: The decisions you're making now will affect you for the rest of your life.  The way you are learning to behave now are characteristics that will be harder to change the more you grow into adulthood.  Stop making the same decisions that have the same results and start learning from your mistakes.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

The Way You Are

If I could tell you anything.  I would tell you that I pray for your soul and your happiness daily. There are no words to describe how much I love you.  You are my son and I'm proud of you.

I don't care that you're not like your peers.  If you played sports I would go to every game, but I'm glad I don't have to.  If you made straight A's and B's I'd brag about how smart you are on facebook, but I know grades aren't everything.  Grades don't show character.  You don't have to pass a test for me, I know how clever you truly are.  You don't have to garner a certain persona to gather my pride. I'm proud of you the way you are!!

I would be in denial if I were to tell you that I didn't have dreams for you, because I did.  I could have cultivated you into a person of my agenda, but I wanted you to flourish on your own.  I could have breathed down your back, demanding my idea of an ideal child, but I wanted you to be you.

Even if you make choices I disagree with, I'm proud of your individuality.  I may not always like your opinion, but I value it.  I may disagree with what you're thinking, but I am glad you're thinking independently.  We may butt heads because you don't see the purpose of my rules, but I still love you, even when I go bat crazy and yell about it.  (Sorry for going bat crazy).

If I have regrets- it's that I didn't take more time with you when I had the time to do it.  I was always told, "time flies, they're only little once!"  Until you're a parent, writing a letter to your 18 year old adult child- you don't realize how time really does fly.  When I was 18 and kissing your sweet head I never imagined being 24 and sending you to school. Through my late twenties you created war games that we played.  For every time you asked me to play and I said "not now" I never thought there would be a time I wouldn't be playing them.  God knows how I wish I could go back in time and play your games again! Back then time felt infinite. I never thought I'd be 36 preparing for you to finish school and be ready to move out.  All the things I wanted for you I thought I'd have forever to do them.

I tried so hard to give you what I thought was a good balance (and I had a lot to figure out).  You and I have shared a special adventure none of your siblings can take from you.  Everything I learned to do as a parent- I learned because of you!  Your sister and brother have benefited from our relationship.  Maybe that's not fair... but that is how life goes, isn't it?

YOU taught me how to not be selfish.  YOU helped me learn to be giving and humble and loving. For you I learned the joy of sacrificing for the benefit of others.  I learned to be a better listener. YOU showed me how to truly forgive and forget.  It took a while on this one, but I learned not to over-react.  YOU helped me to be more courteous and respectful. You taught me how to be patient and so much more

YOU showed me how to comfort by comforting me.

It is not possible for me to not desire the best for you and want better for you.  I don't know if I can cease my worrying. As your mother, every time I talk to you my spirit crushes a little more.  When you're so clearly struggling it makes me struggle.  When you ache, I ache.  My heart breaks for you and I know I barely touch the surface of what thoughts swim in your mind.

As someone who cares so deeply for you  I just don't understand why you choose your hurts and internal anguish instead of taking charge to improve yourself.  I can't fathom why you don't want to take control of your bondage and let me (or anyone) help you.  There are so many things you dislike out of your control that is devouring you.  Take the steps you need to make the world a better place for you (I know this is cheesy, but 1 person CAN make a difference).  

Lastly, take a look through my eyes!  I wish you could see you how I see you.  I wish you could see the worth in you that I see.