Tuesday, September 5, 2017

My Own Path

You just popped into my head.  I think of you and the perfect life you projected.  I used to want that.  I didn't want to be you, but I wanted to be like you.  To be more successful than I felt.  To be more confident than I felt.  To have it all together like you appeared.

Everyone has a story and it was hard to imagine yours when you were so perfect and I was always such a mess.  The problem wasn't that you didn't appear to have problems.  The problem is that I wasn't okay with myself.

But I am now.  I actually haven't thought of you in a long time.  It's weird, though... thinking of you and all those old feelings drudged up. The truth is, I'm okay with my inadequacies.  I could never be like you and I don't want to.  I'm myself & I like that.  I'm successful in my own way, even if it's not in the way I imagined success would look like.  It's actually better.  I still struggle with confidence, but I'm comfortable being me.

The truth is- I don't have it all together.  I get stressed to the max.  I struggle with anxiety and sometimes depression.  My heart breaks for my kids and my heart cheers for my kids.  I love being a mom, but it's like a roller coaster.  I'm so deeply in love with my husband I don't even have the words to express it (seriously- I've tried writing about it so many times, but nothing seems to fit right).  All in all I'm happy.  The only thing missing is a "bestie" or whatever- but I'm trying to open myself up for that.  I figured at my age I would have figured this whole life thing out, but I guess there is always room to learn and grow, huh?

I know I'm just rambling, but it's what's on my mind.  So yeah.  :)

-Also prayers for those still recovering from Hurricane Harvey, those in the path of Irma, and those in Montana and out west dealing with the wild fires and toxic air.