Friday, September 25, 2009
Exiversary's and Forgiveness
I had a comment (that I approved) from "Anna" and those that know me, know that name is significant. I am pretty sure that the real Anna could care less about keeping tabs and following my blog.
Regardless of who it really was or not I got to thinking about the power of words of the comment. "Your exiversary clearly does bother you or you wouldn't waste the time and energy to throw it into your blog." No this date doesn't bother me, but I think it was bothering “Anna” when she read it. I won't deny that it popped into my head and it reminds me of once upon a time. This date was very important to me for many years. This date I thought I would celebrate for the rest of my life. But now- it's just a Friday. I know that and so does my husband. It is like any day that has significance- a person isn't just going to erase it from their mind the moment it means nothing. Maybe some day this day will come and go and I won’t even give it a second thought. Maybe that will be next year.
If it weren’t for this comment- I probably would have blogged about any other number of things. 85% of the time I get on here I don’t really have in mind what I’m going to say- I just word vomit on the keyboard and viola- there is a blog.
Sometimes I’m cranky (like yesterday), sometimes I’m silly, sometimes I’m serious (like today).
But today I thought I would talk about Anna (since she was so kind enough to actually say something to me after 3 years). I am going to try not to reiterate what happened or the pains that anyone went through. If this were really her, I think this blog would mean something to her (at least a very small portion of it).
I want to mention that everyone heals differently. Will I ever forget what happened? No. I can’t. I’ve tried. It was just too big a part of my life. Maybe some day I can look back and it’ll be hazy. Does it still affect me today? Yes, but in ways that I'm not going to get into right now. Will I ever be like I was before August of 2006? No. I’m a different person. If you ever thought you knew me before (or you think you really know me now) you can erase that preconceived thought out of your mind, because that is no longer me.
Because of what happened I am where I am today. But aren’t we all where we are because of the decisions made in the past? There are always things I wish I had that I could improve. And I will work on them, but things are what they are. Maybe some day we can all move on completely.
And now- for Anna, I’m going to “officially” take the next step. I took this step in my mind over a year and a half ago, but now is a good time as any to make it public.
I have forgiven Anna. I don’t hate her; nor do I wish her any hard times. She has been free from my mind and thoughts. At least any negative thoughts. Am I curious about her? Yes. I loved her. I would have done anything in the world for her. But things are what they are so I let her go. I let her go along time ago. I forgave her a long time ago. Do I forget? No. I can’t, but I don’t hold a grudge against her. She is free from any traps of my mind.
If what happened didn’t happen I wouldn’t be where I am today. There is nothing I can do about my past, nor at this point would I want to change it; it makes me who I am. I’m sorry about the pains we had to go through to get where we are today. I’m sorry sometimes I remember something and it’ll still hurt briefly. But today I’m happy. I’m in love. I’m so in love... I have a lot of friends. My children are perfect. My blended family keeps me on my toes. My house is clean. The air is fresh when I smell it.
I have my present and future keeping me occupied to worry about my past. But like anybody, that doesn’t stop me from taking the trip down memory lane every so often. The good thing is I’m building new memories, good memories (and I hope that everyone that was involved in what happened are, too).