I'm just going to put this out here. There are a lot of people that don't deserve to be in others people's lives. There are a lot of broken people that do deserve another chance. Everyone has a story.
But is it worth it if you haven't even given it a chance? Some will say yes! They are away from toxicity and their lives have been greatly enriched away from those that hurt them or bring them down.
And on the other end some will be pining away, sifting through every mistake they've ever made day in and day out..., wide awake at night and in between calls at work... picking apart things that weren't mistakes, but was it damaging? Wishing to have appreciated the other person more when they were annoyed or distracted (bc who knew that would be the last of the memories you'd share? [consider the lesson learned!]) Wishing you told them you loved the more often... They (me) are trying so hard to bend the will of the universe to allow a chance to go back and fix things until you're exhausted and queasy with migraine from futilely straining against the cosmos.
How do you accept when there is no moving forward? There is no working it out, sleeping on it, and there is no tomorrow. There is no fresh start or new beginnings.
I've exhausted my sorries and and it will never be enough.
Even an, "I hate you" would be something because an expression of hatred still bears hope with the communication.
I personally didn't even get enough of those to almost feel a reprieve an estrangement would bring. The very last communication I have was worse than that, though. It was meant to hurt. One last malady to endure and infect my thoughts as the final radio silence began.
But... I'm not allowed to feel hurt... This is all my fault; I am not the victim (those aren't my words, but they ring in my head). How can I not FEEL?
There are things left unsaid. Things that can't be taken back. Things that will bring you (me) embarrassment at 2 in the afternoon (or 2 at night) when you're in the the middle of a customer chewing out and you just CAN'T do anything about it (the customer or the thing)... so maybe the lack of sleep or the reaming of the customer is Karma's way of balancing things out...
...Because of course the estrangement, the empty feeling in your soul, the love you want to give, the things you want to share and laugh-- you can't. The first person you'd give news to isn't there...All that's left is this messed gnarled wreck of a heart. I'm a shell of a person with other people to love and they don't deserve the me that's left. It all just isn't enough pain to endure already.
So yah... I guess that's that. I'm so muffin tired of crying about this. I am done with the pain.
