I'm not ready

How many of us wish we could go back and right our wrongs?  How many of our wrongs weren't intentional?

Your therapist said I was too negative... I know my pain spilled over in that session. I've over-analyzed everything when I just need to understand. We are two vastly different people and yet you are a part of me. 

It's hard not to be negative when I hurt for you so bad.  

Having children- it's like seeing a part of your soul outside of your body.  The love I have is unconditional, we have a connection that tethers me to you. There is nothing you can do that would sever the love I have for you. 

The truth is we don't understand each other. Somehow these last few months or year I don't know you and you don't know me.  It's hard for you to see the world through my eyes and it's hard for me to see the world through your eyes. 

We need to learn patience with each other.  As the older one I should be on top of that, but patience hasn't always been my strongest point. 

I've heard you have to help yourself before helping others.  Maybe I need to do that.  Set you aside and work on me.  Heal my hurts.  Maybe I need to let you go. 

I have a lot of issues feeling like a failed mother.  If I let you go, even temporarily, what kind of mother would I be? And that's why I won't be the one letting anyone "go"

It's easier for me for you to reject me... which I feel you have.  But I can't accept it.  I have to fight for it.  To fight for us. I know our relationship will never be the same, but what relationship ever stays the same?

Your therapist is a smart lady.  She definitely knows you better than me and I don't think she wants us estranged. She said we have to start small.  I agree, we have to take small steps to get to know each other.  You're old enough if you want an adult relationship with me you can pursue it.  If you don't, then... I don't know. 

Of all the horrible things I've ever had to endure, an estrangement is by far the worst and I hope you will never understand what I mean. 

6 weeks

Hello,

Every time I try to text you it comes out completely wrong. I'm going to be honest, I just didn't know how to communicate to you through your pain. I want to help you, I try, and then things go horribly wrong. I say I don't want to argue, then I do. I apologize and it goes the other way. Then I foolishly say something I don't mean (again). 

I'm imperfect.  I make mistakes.  And I love you all the same.

I can tell you're angry with me and I feel like every time I try to smooth it over I make it worse. I've spent so many tears reading your messages, writing down what you said so I can reply and wishing I could say things differently to you. And then not having the chance to.

If I could tell you anything in the world what would it be? I love you.  Unconditionally. It won't stop. Our estrangement is the worst thing I've ever endured.

When you told me why you left I was sick and I could barely function. I was prescribed a medication that made me sleep 20 hours a day.  I tried to work, think, and feel, but I was in a fog for a long time.

Something happened to you and you needed me to be there and I wasn't.  Someone I love hurt you. Someone you loved hurt you.  You say you're broken and I'm not allowed to help you pick up the pieces.  It breaks my heart you are hurting. You needed me to understand and I wasn't understanding. You said I hurt you the most.

My being ill made me distant and that wasn't fair to you.  I raked my mind on how to help you without asking how you wanted me to help.  You said you wanted space and I went full mama bear seeking every detail and analyzing it all to make sure I had the full picture in my head so I could present it to the authorities.  All the while trying to (poorly) support you, manage my own wrecked emotions, and get well, and maintain the function of normality.

I re-read my texts to see what I said and I was not truly hearing you.  It wasn't fair I got defensive when you were angry. You were hurting and I wasn't helping.

How did our relationship become such a mess? I thought I was doing the right thing. The best I knew how for you.  I try to make things right and they go more wrong.

Your perception is different than mine and I didn't stop to try to understand where you were coming from. I accepted it and understood we saw things differently, but I didn't put myself in your shoes. So I wasn't truly understanding.

You gave me a solution, an ultimatum, to prove my love, yet you won't have a conversation with me about any of this. You want me to choose you over everyone in my life. You say you won't be ready to talk until I accept your only solution.

I simply can not do what you want when I'm not ready to make that choice. I will always love you, however I don't want to grow to resent you for forcing my hand.  I want to reconcile.  I want to start over with just you and I. 

Please invite me in your life, just a tiny bit. Please let me listen to you and I will make an effort understand you. Please give me a chance without an ultimatum. 

I will try to be patient for when you're ready. I've never been good with patience, but for you I will do my best.

where do I start?

Why does living have to hurt so bad sometimes?  How can someone be going about their life and the world just flips? Why is life so unreasonable?  Why does my chest feel so empty and so heavy at the same time? 

Lies are tearing me apart.  My essence is being torn in 2 different directions. It is making me physically sick.

I had these feelings once... The way I felt that night and the nights that followed are forever etched into my soul.  I thought these feelings were only going to be a distant memory of things long gone and healed over.

Oh God, it took so long feel like a whole person again. 

I just can't do it.  I can't "fake it until I make it" anymore.  I can't. I'm not resilient. I'm weak. I'm a failure.

I don't even know what "this" is. I don't know if I'll come back. I can only take so much hurt at a time.  I can only have so much pain weigh me down.  I just can't do it.  How will I go on?  How will I survive?

How do I get up in the morning and go to work?  How do I focus?  How do I resist the urge to faint...  ....and if I do- how do I make it so I don't wake up?

If I could ask you to answer honestly-  Are you lying to me?  How do I know you speak the truth?  I love you to the deepest part of my being and you're ripping it out. 

How do I stop?  How do I not care?