Every time I try to text you it comes out completely wrong. I'm going to be honest, I just didn't know how to communicate to you through your pain. I want to help you, I try, and then things go horribly wrong. I say I don't want to argue, then I do. I apologize and it goes the other way. Then I foolishly say something I don't mean (again).
I'm imperfect. I make mistakes. And I love you all the same.
I can tell you're angry with me and I feel like every time I try to smooth it over I make it worse. I've spent so many tears reading your messages, writing down what you said so I can reply and wishing I could say things differently to you. And then not having the chance to.
If I could tell you anything in the world what would it be? I love you. Unconditionally. It won't stop. Our estrangement is the worst thing I've ever endured.
When you told me why you left I was sick and I could barely function. I was prescribed a medication that made me sleep 20 hours a day. I tried to work, think, and feel, but I was in a fog for a long time.
Something happened to you and you needed me to be there and I wasn't. Someone I love hurt you. Someone you loved hurt you. You say you're broken and I'm not allowed to help you pick up the pieces. It breaks my heart you are hurting. You needed me to understand and I wasn't understanding. You said I hurt you the most.
My being ill made me distant and that wasn't fair to you. I raked my mind on how to help you without asking how you wanted me to help. You said you wanted space and I went full mama bear seeking every detail and analyzing it all to make sure I had the full picture in my head so I could present it to the authorities. All the while trying to (poorly) support you, manage my own wrecked emotions, and get well, and maintain the function of normality.
I re-read my texts to see what I said and I was not truly hearing you. It wasn't fair I got defensive when you were angry. You were hurting and I wasn't helping.
How did our relationship become such a mess? I thought I was doing the right thing. The best I knew how for you. I try to make things right and they go more wrong.
Your perception is different than mine and I didn't stop to try to understand where you were coming from. I accepted it and understood we saw things differently, but I didn't put myself in your shoes. So I wasn't truly understanding.
You gave me a solution, an ultimatum, to prove my love, yet you won't have a conversation with me about any of this. You want me to choose you over everyone in my life. You say you won't be ready to talk until I accept your only solution.
I simply can not do what you want when I'm not ready to make that choice. I will always love you, however I don't want to grow to resent you for forcing my hand. I want to reconcile. I want to start over with just you and I.
Please invite me in your life, just a tiny bit. Please let me listen to you and I will make an effort understand you. Please give me a chance without an ultimatum.
I will try to be patient for when you're ready. I've never been good with patience, but for you I will do my best.
