Monday, November 14, 2011

Fantastic newssss!!!

Woot. I got a job offer. And it's not window lickin! I'm so excited! I could just spit sparkles.

Of course it does come with a price. My time. And my babies time. Namely Ro Ro's time away from me (the other kids are in school all day so they won't miss me). I'm kind of torn between this. It makes me sad, but it was bound to happen soon (although I've been looking for freaking ever)- as that comes when you're job hunting.

Anyway I know a full time job will be worth it in the long run. It will help all the kids and the family. I will feel productive again, have adult conversations, and work hard!

I never had a problem with the older kids and going to work. Maybe it's because Rowan is my last baby. I want to hang onto his babyhood for as long as I can. I guess one of us has to grow up eventually.... I suppose that is good, right? Being responsible and all that.

Anyway I'm very sadly happy. ...and that is a good thing. :)

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

UGH Scarrrry!

Oh mi gosh. A tick or something just jumped on me. I think I almost passed out. No way- I couldn't faint knowing something might be sucking my blood. So I wadded it in a tissue; I was thoughtful enough to grab a new one. I know from experience those things don't just die like a spider or any normal bug. I swear I smooshed that thing like there's no tomorrow.

Here's the catch 22- I want to keep it for bugmaster Kirby to identify (in case it isn't a tick or some bloodsucker and I can rest easy).... so I opened the tissue to see if it was thoroughly dead- that sucker jumped out!!! So I'm wiping my shirt off and then checking my hands to make sure it's not touching my skin. Then I'm on my hands and knees searching the carpet trying to be a big girl cuz you know I will freak out if I can't find it and secure it.

I can't have it LIVING where there is a chance it might get my baby- or worse- ME. I know my neighbor is an advocate for throwing boxes on bugs, but I want assurance it won't escape. Normally I put a cup over it and a book or few on the cup.... but with the baby getting into stuff NO WAY.

So thankfully I recaptured the nasty little thing and put it in a jar. I put alcohol on it and it drowned. It occurred to me that is an awful way to die. Plus I wasn't sure if it would be identifiable. So I fished it out with a q-tip... When I looked at it a minute ago it was CRAWLING! I tell you- those things do not die!! That lid is screwed on tight, but now I'm all itchy all over.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Adult Truths

Okay... I stole this from someone on face book who stole it from someone else. It made me chuckle and just about every line is friggin true! :)
23 ADULT TRUTHS ******
1 Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning square roots really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with a shot of Jagermeister than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong,!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important !


Why is it we, in the modern society, place so much emphasis and self worth on what we do? Why are jobs so important in fulfilling our lives? I'm not talking the obvious monetary benefits. There are no longer visible ladders in society preventing those of lower stations from mingling with those of higher stations, but we still look down our noses at those that aren't as "good" as we are. Why?

I was having a conversation with someone the other day on face book and we were discussing AMC which was taken off the air. One of the ladies commented she didn't know what that it was and after a brief explanation she said something to the effects of "wow really? I don't see day time tv, i have a job..." Wow really? You think you're better than us because you work during the day?

How many other people have this same mentality? What is the purpose of demeaning people? What benefit is there to it? So you can feel better about yourself? How many people in this world are lonely because of off-hand comments like that? And the most important question- how many times have I belittled someone like that because I was ignorant?

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Feeling Nostalgic

Today is September 25th. Little known fact that not many people may know... It is usually rainy on this day. Okay- it's rainy where I am. Obviously the entire world isn't going to be cloaked in droopy clouds. So today was no exception for me. It's only a fleeting thought and if I could erase it out of my memory I would. I wish I could just shove all the painful parts of my life away into a vault.

I was driving down this road that I often take and it occurred to me that several years ago (I'm talking just under 10 years) I went to a candle party, or Mary Kay, or something. I don't really remember, but I know it was on that road. As I was driving I was trying to remember which side it was on and if I would recognize the house. I thought of the little game we played and one of the questions was if you had dirty dishes in the sink. I did so I lost that one. -WHY in the world do I remember that random memory? Why not what kind of party it was? I mean what is the point of my mind for keeping it?

It's weird you would think that we (humans) would have control over the memories we keep. But I guess I'll just have to wait until the next random one surfaces. I hope it's a good one.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Sitting in the Chevy Feeling Kind of Heavy

That.... is the picture I was taking of Rowan. He was reaching for my camera. So those of you that know me IRL and wonder why there are never any new photos.... that is why. He also thinks my phone is the best toy.

Anyway it seems that blogging has taken a wayside of my life- as it usually does. Seems it comes in waves and typically only during the tsunami- like ones. The waves of life that want to take over until I'm about to burst.

I would like to blog a few times a week, but I always sit down, open it, and nothing comes out. I guess I need drama in my life for word vomit. Of course those also make the best blogs. That and when I get my ah-ha moments. You know the ones, when life throws something so profound it changes your perspective.

Kind of like the sermon I heard a few weeks ago. What comes out of your mouth is a window to what your heart is. I have been acutely aware of all the negative things that pour out when I speak. The selfishness inside me, too. Very thought provoking. I want my heart as pure and white as snow. So I have to change the way I think.

Like it used to be when people cut me off when I'm driving I'd tell myself that maybe they have diarrhea. I know- ridiculous, but it helped put my grumbling in perspective because maybe they DID have diarrhea and I've had diarrhea while driving and it's NO fun wondering if you're going to burst in your seat or not.

Recently I kind of stopped with that excuse and started my growling in my throat again. There is a lot going on with me as I drive- such as the construction on my road slows me to a halt. Wouldn't be terrible, but I'm pouring sweat because the a/c in my car is broken. Most of the time that is remedied by rolling down the window, but I can't because my window doesn't go down. So the air-flow from the passenger side is the only air I get in this high degree heat advisory weather. The hotter I get the wetter I get, the more my hair frizzes, etc., etc. I start to feel like Dr. Horrible's "evil moisture buddy" Moist. The most badass I can get is making people feel like they need a shower... and usually it's me in the end that needs a good rinse off.

So anyway I guess I need to put things back into perspective to clear the conscious of my heart. I need to go back to thinking the drivers may have diarrhea. Nothing wore that sitting in construction feeling kind of heavy. I'm sure that would be even worse than bringing a dish towel to wipe the sweat as you sit patiently as another jerkface butts in front of you.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011


I know this isn't a typical blog.... but please vote for Rowan! I think it would be really awesome if he won.


Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Wedding Bellz

So... if you have a family member, like say an uncle that recently got married, and he invites most of the family and you're on the side that did NOT get an invitation what would you do? I'm not estranged to this family member. I mean we're not the closest, but I thought the last couple years we have been building a good relationship. We don't have any unusual animosity that would be cause for concern in the family (that I know of).

Okay I shouldn't have been surprised not to get invited because when I originally asked about the dates and if we would need to make arrangements to get time off of work or whatever my question was pretty much avoided.

He told me it was going to be very small. It wasn't until I started hearing from certain family members they got invitations and did I get mine? Um no. So I waited a couple of weeks before asking other members. I'm not the only family member to be left out. There was one sister invited, but not the other 2. 1 didn't really care. She said "it's his wedding and he can have it whatever way he wants on his day." Good point. So I have been trying really hard to keep that perspective. Obviously I'm failing because my feelings are hurt anyway. The other sister also had hurt feelings.

So to make things worse (I have a knack for that) I confided in one of my aunts and she must have said something to him because he emailed me an invitation, BUT in an attempt to keep up with what I perceive as my uncle's wishes I declined. I don't want to invite myself to something I'm not invited to. That is rude and obviously I wasn't wanted to begin with. He told me he thought I had my children and couldn't make the trip and that is why my invitation was an over site. As for the other cousin who had hurt feelings- he didn't know her address. We are all on facebook together so I know there could easily have been some communications to avoid these hurt feelings.

I'm trying to keep my oldest cousin's advice, but I planned a wedding once. I know how hectic that can be. Maybe it's because of my previous planning experience that I don't exactly buy these excuses. It's the principle. I don't think you should invite one sister and not the other. Or certain family members in the same vicinity and not all.

I've been told the wedding was very small and no big deal, but why invite part of the family and not all of the family? There is a reason I'm not as close to some family members as the cousin that DID get invited. Because I'm never there. I can't even have an opportunity to remedy the situation. I WANT to be closer to my family. After all, blood is thicker than water, right? I would like to see my other family (his son and fiance- I never even met her and they've been together for YEARS). I talk to my uncle A LOT on facebook so I'm no stranger and I'm having trouble getting past my hurt feelings.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Roofing In The Rain

Today was Gwyneth's 3rd grade special thingie at her school. Gavin's was last week. I love how they are both so talented and that we get to do special things like that. Even if I am sitting for 2 hours on a rock hard bench so I can hear Gavin play for 5 minutes or that the lady in the purple shirt moved every time I did blocking my view of Gwyneth. Yeah... lady- Rowan is going practicing how to throw stuff. See how long she sits in front of me again. Oh I would never do that!! would I?

I think it is so neat seeing the young lady that my daughter is turning into. I'm so glad I can be a part of my children's lives. I keep thinking I should do something special for Josh to make him feel special.... but what? I thought about looking up an origami thingie and making him something. I think he would like that.

So we've been getting our roof done for about a week and a half now. I thought the job was only to take a couple of days... When it went on 3 days I thought they would be finishing up... but no. Apparently they don't work Saturdays, either. SOOOO this week it has been rainy, rainy, rainy. and guess what happens to roofs that are half way done when it rains a lot? I think we may be getting a little bit of new insulation, some dry wall, and a few ceilings re-painted. The big bossman came yesterday. He wasn't a very happy camper with our house, but with the storms (it was like hail and tornado siren storms all day) it is a little understandable something like this might have happened. I'm just upset they quoted us "a couple of days" because if it had been done in a "couple of days" then this wouldn't have happened!

So I asked the foreman (or one of the bossmen) about why it was taking so long. They had 3 mostly non-rainy days last week and Saturday was spectacular (well I was sick in the bathroom all day, but from what I hear it was perfect roofing weather- and perfect enjoy your life weather if you're not sick), but they don't work Saturdays, probably because it was going to be the end of the world.

He told me it was his fault. His men started our house before they were finished with another and the other one took a little longer to finish than they anticipated. He also said that he had some medical appointments so he wasn't exactly around to do a lot of the work right away... So basically the job was started before he was ready. I told him I understood the rain had been delaying a lot of projects like this (it has been incredibly wet this season) and we wouldn't have minded delaying another week. But anyway what is done is done and now we just need to move forward and finish the job.

Is it weird that I feel bad for them though? I mean they ARE going to take care of us, but there were several neighbors asking about them, but with this mess and taking so long (despite the rain) I hope it doesn't mess up their reputation. I think the guys really are working hard... just need to be on top of things. Now that the big bosses are out I'm sure it'll get finished lickity-split, I just feel bad because our house is like their lemon.

Anyway that is my rant for now and the lesson I have learned is I'm glad I'm not a roofer.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

The Dust Has Settled

Okay I know it's been a while since you all got to be enthralled by my wonderful blogging and the blogginess it brings to your life. Well things have been slow and busy at the same time! I recall starting some projects before I had my daughter and they got left by the way side once she was born. Amazing how those things just take up your entire life. So there it is, another baby sucking any time I have and leaving me exhausted by ends day. Oh and I'm sure the kids I have been babysitting don't leave me deprived of energy either.

So I had a birthday this weekend. I officially moved up an age bracket. I think that may be part of the whole "energy" problem. My bones aren't creaking though so that is good. Except frankenankle, but he hardly counts.

I was so sick this weekend and had NO energy. Yuck. Kirby is the best husband ever! He planned to take me to a day spa and then dinner with my girlfriends. Normally I might have cried out of guilt for being sick, but I was too sick to even do that. What a sweetheart I snagged, tho! He went out of his way tonight to get me some chicken noodle soup. Because an upset stomach with tomato soup or french onion soup (my choices) I don't think would do. I'm feeling loads better tho! Just some headaches from not eating... which apparently my head didn't talk to the stomach to find out why nothing was going IN so it is being very unsympathetic to my situation. It should be happier since I gobbled that soup. Which by the way- I think was the tastiest chicken noodle soup I have ever eaten in my entire life!!!

Okay and for those of you that only follow me for the Rowan... He is pulling himself up! I'm amazed at how fast he has grown and I wish he would slow down. Just last year I was plump with baby and now I'm 15lbs short of my pre-pregnancy weight (which that can come a BIT faster if it wants- but no more stomach ailments!) and it amazes me how fast a year really does go by!

This year I will be an official mom of a teenager and I'm not ready. I wish I could go tuck Gavin in like I do his sister. I kinda like seeing him grow up, but I miss him being little, too!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


You know that my life is finally coming back on track when I do something that is totally me. SOoo.. I had a paper cut and I put that new skin stuff on it because where it was in my finger it kept like opening up. Not very feeling good. The new skin stuff kept coming off and making it open up more. So the little light bulb went off on top of my head and I got Kirby's super glue.

Lets just say that it was a good thing that 2 of the older kids were around because I had Rowan plus his 3 1/2 month old girlfriend over. I was babysitting the other baby if I need to elaborate.

Anyway get this: I glued a fork to my thumb. Precisely the prongs were glued to my thumb because that is how I picked it up.

I got the acetone to get it off, but it wasn't budging! So I had Gwyn holding one baby, the other was pacified for the moment in the rocker seat, and I made Gavin google how to get super glue off. He didn't find anything I didn't already know.

Apparently you have to be patient when getting fingers off of stuff. The funny thing is the thumb that was super glued to the fork was the same thumb that was holding the bottle so I have NO IDEA how in this green earth I got glue on THAT thumb.

Anyway that was a while ago. I found the fork because it had my skin on it. I don't know where it is now... I hope it didn't get put away.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Good News: I am human

So have you ever been tempted to do something you know you shouldn't? Something that you know if you do it's only going to hurt you. But it's so tempting and you're so curious!! So what do you do?

Well if you're human you're going to do it anyway despite the fact you know it's going to hurt you. The good news is I don't think there is any doubt I'm human now. The bad news is I still do idiotic things.

So the other day I was talking to this lady on face book- specifically I asked her for her address because I'm having a thing for business and wanted to send her an invite. To be honest I didn't really know who she was. We had mutual friends from a previous job. I'm so terrible with names, especially at that place, so I assumed she worked there and I just didn't remember her. It was obvious she knew me, though. She was like "I live in X state so I don't know if you would still want me to come" I ask her when she moved. She was like I didn't. What?!

Turns out she didn't work there. She is some random customer and I don't even know how she knows me because I didn't even recognize her company. She certainly wasn't my customer. So yeah, I think I'll be removing her off of my friends list. Normally I don't accept people I don't know so WHY did I add her to start with? Who knows?

Who knows how my mind works? I bet Kirby asks himself that every day.

Thursday, April 14, 2011


So I went searching for my skeletons with matches in hand. I wonder if skeletons can burn? I didn't come up with any. They must really be hiding because I'm sure they're there. I am most definitely the least perfect person on this Earth.

I pulled out Pandora's box to see what I could find. I have my memories, but surely I have hard evidence. Memories are deceitful. They exaggerate, but letters, markings, and things carved to last. They do not lie. A volcano may disguise itself as a strong mountain, but trails of lava never disappear.

I did, however, come to a realization. About what I thought I once had. I know- I made a ton of blogs on love and what I thought it was, what I learned. Love is such a gray object. It can be interpreted so many different ways and there are so many different kinds and levels. It's like candy. There is no perfect kind of candy, but there is better candy. There is also your favorite candy. You can't have two favorites. One is the rare stuff you savor and make it last as much as possible. Then there is the kind that you always have around and can easily be forgotten. I am the regular favorite. The one that is always there, not being significant.

What else am I going to do? I'm not the one that got away. I'm the one you put on your grocery list and I'm the one you don't get as upset when the kids steel me when you're not looking.

The great love my heart shared... well it was all for not. My love looks like amateur wrestling. No matter what great of a show I put on it was still never going to be real. So when I did find something that was real I'm like the new guy stumbling around. I get some good shots in, but in the end I'm submitted.

You ever get the feeling you like someone more than they like you? Or they are keeping a deep secret from you because they know it'll hurt you? I'm tired of that feeling. I'm tired of the daily reminder that I will never compare. I'm tired of being 2nd place. I joke that 2 is a bigger number, but we all know 2nd is still not first.

When I think of his love and all that I do know about it, it's so intoxicating that I'm almost intoxicated, too. I almost have a notion to push them back together. They were so good together back in their day. The deserved and needed each other. They weren't living until they discovered that love. When you have had a love like that it's no wonder no one could capture your heart. You already gave it away! It makes me drunk thinking of the wreckless carefree love I could never have. The love I desire, but will never get. The love I know you spent years trying to get back. The woman that you said was your soul mate and the words weren't empty when they were uttered. They were hammered into your soul as well as hers. That love was toxic and real. My love was safe guarded and sucked out of me.

Is it better to have loved and lost than not loved at all?

Wednesday, April 13, 2011


Although the paper fades, the ink does not.
It's embedded forever with the ball point pen.
Some day the paper will disintegrate,
but the words are etched for ever.

You know archaeologists have found tattoos on prehistoric men and women? Marks of war, love, famine, and fortune proclaim on mummified bodies telling a tale of their lives- hundreds even thousands of years later.

If you have professed your love from the innermost depths of your soul is there room to love another? Where does that room come from? Is the love tainted?
If you gave your heart to someone then how can you give it away again?
If you gave your heart to someone and they broke it wouldn't they still have the pieces anyway?
If your heart was thrown away how do you know where to look for it? How do you know when they threw it away? What if they still have the pieces and plan on fixing them some day?
Can you even ever really get your heart back once you give it to someone?

If it's etched on a note and was once carved into your soul, and another soul- a covenant made that your heart, life, or possibly even your soul itself belongs to someone then how can you possibly give make that same promise again?

Your are not born with two hearts, no one has ever heard of two soul mates. You can't declare one thing for two people. What's done is done. They came in 2nd place. They are 2nd best.

So why commit your life to someone that could never grasp even a fragment of your heart? Why try to love if you know you can never fully give yourself to that person? It would be an empty offer. A mendacious heart. A lying heart. A heart that will never truly ever be touched, not even with the most delicate sliver of your own heart.

How can you just turn off your adulation and the promise you made them and yourself in a moment? Does it ever go away? If you meet someone else do you just bury it only to take it out again when they don't compare? When things go wrong will that first love always linger? How can you love with all your heart if someone always has a piece of it?

What about "the one that got away" and where do I fit in?

But what is this, my own skeletons? I would burn them all if only I knew where to look. I despise every little reminder of something that I thought once was. It is like I lived a lie.

I was blinded and bound; I didn't know any better. All I needed was to have the blinds removed so I could see. I was going through the motions living with the decisions I made. I hid in a shield of false happiness to hide away how I really felt. I didn't think I was even human until my heart was broken. I never gave it away. I always held onto it and the pieces cut deep into me. For every time I was able to embrace a piece of happiness it was taken away from me. I don't even know where I fit into this world.

Monday, April 11, 2011

My Bestie

For some reason lately I keep thinking of that time back in winter/spring of 2009. I thought my life was perfect. There wasn't a thing that I would have done to change it. But like all things I got ants in my pants and changed it up.

Of course there has been lots of changes. Like my job (or lack there of), my new baby, me, me, me. Yeah I get tired thinking about me all the time. I guess if I had some friends to occupy my mind I wouldn't have to. I mean I have lots of friends, but I really miss the bonding you do when you're working with them. You know what I mean- the group of you that can get along, even that token annoying person, because you have that one common thing. Work. I like work.

I really am enjoying my time home with Rowan and all that. I love writing in my book, moving rooms, and going to lunch with my Mom every Friday... but I went to a little party thing and of course most of the people I knew because I used to work there. I know this is silly because if I did work there I'd probably be all "I wish I could quit" but I really wish I could be accepted. The money is nice, but it's the people is why I'd be crazy enough to go back.

I just don't have that bond with any of my girlfriends anymore (or anyone hence the missing working at that place). You know, that kindred spirit kind of bond like in Anne of Green Gables. I don't really have a bff (bff's are for fools). Okay I only said that because I'm jealous. I'm like the only girl in the world that doesn't talk about my "bestie" or write our names in a heart with an arrow- oh wait that last one was for lovers. I suppose I could do that with Kirby.

I'll be blunt. It really sucks I don't have a bestie of all my own that I can actually talk to and stuff. Maybe I should send letters to all my girlfriends and have them check the bff box to find one that way.

It's probably good that I'm already married. If I were to plan a wedding I wouldn't have a maid of honor. How sad is that?? You know what's sad? I have never been in a wedding (besides my own and that doesn't count... or my mom's when I was like 12 or something).

Okay I'm done sulking for now I guess I'll go do something productive. Like facebook.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011


I know that I need to blog more, but I guess being a new mother you just never have time... and it also helped before when I could do it from my phone and I did it when I couldn't sleep. I no longer have a "smart" phone. My phone isn't dumb by any means, but it doesn't know any better.

Anyway my house has been topsy turvy because we have officially moved Rowan out of our room. That doesn't sound like much of a project considering the largest thing of his is only a crib... but when it means moving the older boys into the loft, Gwyneth into their old room, him in her old room, and then we decide (as if we're not crazy enough) to get a new bedroom suite and redo OUR room. Oh did I mention we have to find homes for everything that was in the loft? So I'll be participating this year in the garage sale our edition does every year. See ya there!

I have been writing a lot the last couple weeks before this project showed it's ugly head. I think it might actually turn out pretty okay. I guess we'll have to see once I'm done. I do it when Rowan is napping so it's going a lot slower than I anticipated. Maybe I'll actually publish it and make some money. I think the important thing is that I do it because I want to, not because I have to.

I really need to find something to do with myself to make myself feel productive. I haven't worked since Frankenankle. Well I have, but not much. I feel like I'm foundering out there. Good think Kirby can help us while I'm flopping around on the ground. Cuz if we were both fish out of water I think we'd both be in trouble.

Well I really have a lot to say, but no time right now. I'm going to play
Dominion. Maybe I can be successful there. It is a friggin awesome game if you have never played. Never mind we are not going to play. poop. I guess we'll just sit in front of the boob tube for an hour.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Wasting away... (the real blog)

Have you ever felt you needed to say or explain something to another person and just no matter how much time, thought, or effort put anything into it?? Well I have been doing that for the last few days. I think I'm finally at a point I can relax. I'm in the clear and the issues are going to resolve themselves with out my butting in. I just hope my butting in didn't bother them too much. I don't know what's wrong with me- why I do that!!

Ugh I feel like I'm wasting my life. Like I'm sitting here waiting for something to happen and nothing is happening. Maybe I should get off of the computer. hardy harr harr

I wish I could cut myself away from the worldly things that don't matter and focus on the things that do. In turn I will become the one making things happen and creating something worthwhile. My mind is like a buzzz. what??

I didn't even like that last blog I wrote. It's like I was just filling air. Now that I got it out of the way I can write a real blog. I do that sometimes when I pray. I ramble on and on and pray for this and that and say "amen" then I'm like you know what God, that really sucked and I'm a bad prayer and then I really talk to Him.

I don't know why I'm like that. I guess I get excited to make something and get it out now and fast that I can't truly relax and do what I need to do until I'm done. Like lets see results!! Must be all that factory work I did. push push push and let someone else make sure you're making good quality crap. Only on here it's up to me to be sure it's good quality crap.

The Spaghetti's

I think he has my smile... My mom always told me I had my dad's smile, so therefore he's got my dad's smile. Cute. He is one smart little baby. He was so fussy and cranky and crying I went to get his jammies to put him to bed early. So after I got his jammies on I stand him up and he starts squealing. He laughs and squeals and has a good ole time for the next 45 minutes. Smart boy. He knew what was coming if he didn't behave.

So I was just thinking I wonder if you can ever really truly get drama out of your head. I mean it seems like my life is sometimes a soap opera. Well only in my head. Cuz the outside is normal and I think if someone were to watch me like the Truman Show they would be very bored.

I spent and hour and a half today cleaning carpets. Exciting edge of your seat stuff! I'm afraid "The Spaghetti's" would get canceled before the first season finished. That is because I can't afford those fancy writer that had the strike a few years ago.

I almost said the writers that stroked (and I know this is mean), but I pictured a bunch of elderly people out on the lawn with their pickets stroking and twitching. I never said my writing wasn't callous at points. "The Spaghetti's" -boring and offensive.

I learned something this week. If you bring your drink in the living room when you know you shouldn't and you spill it- it is much easier to clean if half of it isn't under the couch. I also learned about the real Dracula. He was a psychopath, I think. A royal psychopath. You know that he found a way to take care of the poor and sick? He invited all of them for a big dinner at his castle- and then locked them in and set the room on fire! He also impaled thousands of people (women and children included) and left them up on steaks for over 3 months to scare the Turkish army.

Also- I wanted to clear part of Garry's name. My dear old kitty. I miss him so much. A few weeks ago we stumbled upon cat puke in the kitchen. I know it wasn't Garry's ghost haunting me. Garry loved me. It was Millers. Millie the bad kitty who pukes in private and blames it on Garry!!

Butt Out

Why don't people tell me to butt out of things that aren't my business. Why can't I be wise enough to know that I need to back away?

Okay so I'm interfering on grounds that I have no right to. I think that perhaps I am too sympathetic. I feel too sorry so I want to help. I want to show that there is hope. But I'm making it worse. So I'm done. I'm done "helping" and I'm done being a part of something I shouldn't have made myself a part of. I'm done spending my time fretting and consumed by something I have no control of. I'm done making things worse.

We'll only see, right?

Monday, February 28, 2011

florescent lights flicker

Have you ever thought of someone in a certain light only to have the bulb replaced? That happened to me today and I can't stop thinking about it. How many people in my life have I been looking at under the wrong bulb?

I'd been fancying myself on how much I've matured in the last 4 years, but then something happens that shows my immaturity like a raw carpet burn. I wonder if I'm ever going to truly grow up! I'd been past hurting people. It ain't my thang!! I think for the past few years that I have been very good at not gossiping, bashing, or otherwise degrading another person. The drama llama has stalked out of my life because I was starving it.

Before you open your big mouth- My ex and I are a work in progress and you have to admit we have come a long way since my blogging drama!!

Anyway this is not about my ex. This is about a woman that I have always wished I had a small bond with and could never figure out why we couldn't connect. I honestly thought she hated my guts. I come to find now that may not necessarily be the case. I'm so confused!

She is someone that for the last 2 years I wanted to apologize for being so ignorant and stupid around her the one and only time we met like 15 years ago. She never knew it, but she has always meant a lot to me, deep down. I always felt bad I hurt her feelings and wanted to make amends- or at least get "my side" heard.

What makes her so special is she is the wife of someone I had considered at one point one of my best friends (I know I must go through them like I go through fingernail polish. That is if I wore much fingernail polish). I've always thought of her like the saying "any friend of yours is a friend of mine" kind of thing. She was important to him, so therefore she was also important to me.

So anyway I only want to help my friends and I'm afraid whatever I say or do is not going to be of any help. Some things people just have to work on their own.

Isn't it amazing how one decision someone makes can affect so many people? How a word can make or destroy a person?? I hope she can forgive me.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011


Went for a drive yesterday and like clockwork as soon as I put Rowan in his car seat he spit up. He can go all day with no spittles and as soon as he sits in that seat- thar he blows!

I always put on a "riding bib" when we go, but yesterday he was like a little geyser. You just never know when he's gonna go. I ended up changing his clothes entirely before we left and got a new bib. I tucked 2 spit rigs around him in hopes of saving the outfit for our destination.

So it was quite warm in my car with the sun and the "heatwave" outside, I took off his blanket. I figure if I was hot enough to not wear a coat while driving I bet he'd get hot back there. He didn't care and by time I reached where we were going he had thrown each spit rag aside, his bib askew, spit a couple more times, took his sock off and had eaten that to a nice soggy thing and thrown it aside, too. All in all- it was a good drive for him. He was a happy boy.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

What's up Februrarians?

What's the big news? The weather reached like 46 today! Break out the bikini's, it's a heatwave! It's so funny how every other post on face book is the weather this and the weather that. It's like that any time anything interesting like weather happens.

There's still a foot or two of snow out there, but hey- it's melting. I hope it continues to melt so Rowan and I can go for walks in the stroller. I know he'll love going outside!!

My big news- Rowan's second tooth is poking through. He is such a cutie. He's finally at that state where he wants whatever you have. I would let him have my phone except I'm not sure what drool would do to it. I am going to clean off one of the old ones for him, I think. He'll fall for it for like 5 minutes. Babies are smart like that.

Today I learned Valentime cards are not where cards normally are. Because why would anyone look for holiday cards where the store keeps their regular cards?? Apparently people are now getting their cards in the grocery section. I always get cards when I go to pick up a gallon of milk. Milk always makes me think, "hey there's a holiday tomorrow and my child just informed me her class is having a party and she needs to send some cards out." Also Kleenexes remind me that I need to send my package out. I have had it since December for my niece. We threw some Valentime surprises in there... I know- I'm the worse package sender outer there is.

I also have Mother's Day cards for my mom for the past 2 years because I keep forgetting and she says "just give it to me next year." I haven't found any Father's Day cards so I'm kinda glad I remembered for once to give it to my dad this last year. At least I think so. I can't remember. I'd feel bad if I found it. I love my family to death and I'm sorry I'm the worst card sender outer there is.

In my defense half the time they forget my birthday. One of my aunts and I got into this huge argument about my birthday once. I had to pull out one of my mom's old birth announcements to prove to her what day it was. She said my driver's license was wrong. LOL. Good times. I think she was embarrassed because she did a video thing for my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary and it was announced on the thing to the entire everyone that was there. Oops.

Ps, I know I am spelling Valentime wrong. Gwyneth and I read the Junie B. Jones and the Mushy Gushy Valentime. I liked the way she said it wrong throughout the entire book. Because even though one of her friends tried to correct her she decided she liked her way of saying it better. :)

Friday, February 11, 2011

lazy technology

Rowan is taking a ridiculously long nap. I'm sure now that I started a blog he'll wake up. I have been busy re-doing a very time consuming task I started yesterday. Turns out I put my hard work into the wrong web site.... Uploading photos from 2009 to present to print. Yeah... I know why have I waited so long to do this? Because I'm crazy. Actually I need some prints of my newborn to put in my house and maybe a few updated ones of the big kids. I wouldn't want anyone to come in here and think I'm stuck in 2008.

With today's technology looking at old pictures is as simple as just a click of a button. But I still like the old fashioned flipping through photo books. I have to actually buy them and put them together and then I also have a zillion scrap book projects I need to finish... Technology has really made us lazy. Or perhaps I'm the one that is lazy. I would prefer to think of myself as a procrastinator that never gets anything done.

Gwyneth was complaining about her chore of doing the dishes. I told her when I was a kid I had to wash them (brace yourself) by hand!! Blasphemy, right?! Soon she'll be asking me, "back in the olden days was T.V. invented?"

I am still very tired from the flu. I feel like I could possibly take a nap now, but I know that would be silly when Rowan is going to be waking up any moment. Well time to check my upload and see if I'm ready to move onto my "silly" pics of 2009.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011


Well... I haven't been around because I got the sickness. I am finally getting over it. Nothing like 102 fever for a week and feeling like I got hit by a semi-truck that forgot to stop at McDonalds to unload the sausages. Anyway I have been trying very hard not to share the love.

Poor Gwynnie came down with the stomach flu type thingie. She needs to freak out less (which is understandable, vomiting is my absolute LEAST favorite thing- even more so than ticks) and learn to RUN to make it to the toilet. Poor thing though. Now every stomach hurt she is running to the bathroom. I'm glad she got the concept, but now she needs to distinguish each different stomach ache and not be so paranoid...

So Rowan got this little pokey tooth in his mouth. Too cute! I seriously need to get a baby book for him... So this month hasn't started out the greatest, but I'm hoping it will end good.... I mean- that chipmunk thing said spring was going to start early- that is good news right?

I think if we get anymore snow I may have to invest in some ski's to check the mail. We have a drift that goes up over my patio chair seats in the back. The kids love it- cuz the forts are already half built- they just have to fortify them. If I were feeling more well I think I would go stomp around in it. I like the way snow crunches when you walk. I would like to sit Rowan in it to see what he does... Hmm if we start to feel well later this week maybe I'll have to...

I really missed my poor kitty when I was sick. Normally he would have been right there with me trying to help me feel better. I was under my electric blankie and I thought of him because when I took him to the vet the time before last he said Garry wasn't generating any of his own body heat and I had to warm him up. Poor thing. I really miss my old man cat. I keep getting kind of sad and wistful that Rowan won't know him like the rest of the family. He'll only know "garry's" as vomit piles and not for the cat that was known to make them everywhere.

Monday, January 24, 2011

sad news

I'm very sorry this evening to announce my favorite old man cat died today. It was the hardest decision I have ever made. I cried so much. If anyone wants to insult my grieving by telling me I did the wrong thing then keep your comments to yourself. If anyone has been in my shoes you know how difficult and heartbreaking this is for me. Garry has been with me for so long it feels as if a part of me died today. I have this big empty hole inside me. It's as if my arm was cut off. My thoughts are consumed with him at this moment.

We could have done a test to find out where exactly and how big the tumor was and to see if it was operable... but I didn't want to put him through surgery, especially if they couldn't guarantee that would save him... He was very jaundice so whatever it was was hurting him badly. I also couldn't take him home to let him starve himself. I even tried to entice him with some baby cereal (I remember him sneaking into Rowan's bowl several weeks ago).

I don't know if I could have done more or not. He smelled of death and I knew the end was coming. I didn't want it to be today. I didn't want it to be next week or even next year. I'm selfish. I want my cat back annoying me. Licking loud, purring loud, pawing at me.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Garry update

I'm afraid as I write this Garry isn't doing too well. I was encouraged slightly Friday because he decided to eat what I offered him and was up and around a little more... Friday night he vomited a lot... So Saturday I took him to the vet.

They did some blood work and found a few things that worried them. They also found a lump they think is a tumor. I could do a test, but at his age he said it isn't likely to be anything else. Also not much I can do. I could get a test to see if it's operable, but that doesn't mean it hasn't spread. I have had surgeries. I know how it is. I don't want to put him through that stress, especially if there is a chance it won't but buy another month.

He was dehydrated so they gave him an IV and also some anti-nausea medication and his temp was low so I had him under my electric blankie for a while... He was like a rag doll- so lethargic. We made a pallat on him in front of one of the heaters (one of his favorite spots). He barely ate anything I offered him and hardly drank. I even microwaved the cat food (and it really makes a stink- like cat breath in my kitchen). He hasn't eaten anything today. I don't know that he has made an effort to drink anything.

I am going to take him to the vet again tomorrow. I'm afraid I may have to make a decision I don't want to. Do I continue to take him every other day and give him fluids and medication via IV to "keep him comfortable" or do the other thing? I'm not ready to let him go. I looked at Millie and she is a good cat, but not a lap cat. I wouldn't want her to be Garry... I don't know if I can make that decision. I hate to see him this way, but he's been a part of my life for 13 1/2 years! He is older than my oldest child! I can't see my life with out him. I know he's "just a cat" but to me his also a family member. Anyone that knows me knows Garry!

I know I can't bargain, but that doesn't mean the thoughts haven't crossed my mind... I wouldn't mind if Garry puked in the middle of the living room floor. Or dug his claws into my leg trying to get his balance. He can gobble his snacks too fast (if only he would eat one!). I would love for him to crawl under the blankets and bite me if I move and make it uncomfortable for him. I haven't gotten a "belly massage" since before I was pregnant. He can run his motor purr and bite my hair. Ugh, I hate crying before bed.

Who is going to snuggle me when I have my migraines? Who is going to help me sweep and mop my kitchen floor (by help I mean get in the way)? And sneak in the pantry when we're getting the cat food? Who is going to lock themselves in the closet cuz they fell asleep on the towels? Will I have to make sure the kids cups of water are dumped or else I find them all knocked over in the morning? Who is going to get caught with the baby's cereal on his nose because he was in the dirty dishes getting a snack? Or annoy me with their obsessive licking?

I have cried with him so many times. I have laughed with him and I have gotten so MAD at him. I want to continue to do those things with him. Pet him, push him off my lap 50 times only to look down and realize he found a way in it anyway. Get him to do his "tricks" and kiss him. Scratch him under his chin... Okay I'd better stop.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Poor Garry, kitty

I'm very sad writing this. For those of you that don't know Garry (full name Giarraputo) is my "old man cat" also known as Garry-puko. I have had him since I was 17. He used to sit on the edge of the bathtub and watch me shower and stuff- which is why I started calling him man-cat. He was kind of a pervert, I think.

He was given to me by my ex-mil because she and I are kindred spirits in the cat loving world. His mom's name was Baby and Baby was a very smallish cat and ran out once and got knocked up. We don't know who Garry's father is. Probably a taco cat. Taco cats were the tiger-stripey male cats that hung around outside at the time Baby got her taste of freedom. Now from what the kids tell me there are Oreo cats (my ex-mil would feed the strays and drop off's as she lives out in the boonies). So anyway she told me I could have whatever kitten I wanted out of the litter and she would keep it for me until I moved out on my own and could have cats. Baby had 1 kitten. Garry. Garry is an only kitten. Pick o' the litter.

So I had a normal cat name for him. I don't remember what it was and Mark's brother renamed him Giarraputo, after Jack Giarraputo the movie guy. And that stuck, obviously.

So anyway Garry went on one of his puking rampages he does sometimes and went at it for about the last 3 days. I figure he'd be on the mend and told Kirby we should really consider getting old man cat food instead of the all ages cat food we currently buy.

Garry started acting funny, he puked in the kitchen and I held him down. He likes to freak out and run and hence spray vomit all over. He didn't fight me... okay that was weird. So later I was treadmilling it up and he started crying. He had continued through the day to cry off and on. I feel bad cuz I shoo'd him away thinking he was going to wake the napping baby. When he was around he wasn't really that active and he started hiding. I noticed his vomit (after the kitchen one) was really foamy bile stuff. Not good. I picked him up (he is a very small kitty 7lbs at most) he felt so light and bony.

Anyway I'm so worried for him. He's curled up under the baby's bed and purrs when I pet him. My mom thinks I should take him to the vet, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him to sleep. I don't want him hurting or miserable. If I go to the vet and we have to put him to sleep I'm afraid I won't be able to even drive home!

Everyone keeps telling me he is old... Well he is old, but not THAT old. He's about 13 1/2. Which is only about 65 human years. I don't know what I'm going to do. That cat has been my constant vomiting companion. Millie will be so sad, too. She has known him all her life. The reason we got Millie is because I didn't want Garry to be lonely when we worked all the time.

Anyway I don't want to start crying thinking about it. I hope Garry snaps out of it. My mom has a foster kitty, Kiki. She said I could foster it if I wanted... I just don't know. I always said once Garry kicked the bucket I wasn't getting anymore cats! But I figured Garry'd be around for another 3 years or more. I hope so.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Missed 1/11/11

Just quick update here. I think I have my Internet problem fixed so maybe I'll be able to blog more?? I guess that depends on how much sleep I get. Rowan was sleeping through the night... now several nights a week he finds it more amusing to not sleep. He's a tease!

I keep forgetting to call my mom to check on her until it's like 10:30. I know she has work to keep her busy and I have to chastise myself for forgetting. Sorry mom! She said she has lost some weight and otherwise seems to be getting along okay. I think she keeps herself busy. Which is good. She asked me last week about joining some kind of gym.

I think that is a great idea. I haven't lost my love handles from being pregnant yet (does anyone remember those commercials where people are walking and their love handles drop off and someone picks them up and puts them in the lost and found or something??) I'll have to google to see if I can find it and put a link on. It's hilarous. I told Kirby if I jump too much my floppy stomach might hit me in the face. We got a treadmill so I have been walking on that... I haven't fallen on it yet. Thank goodness. It's a little hard on frankenankle, but I think that is probably good for it. When it is stronger I plan on calling it my "bionic ankle."

I do have some good news. For those of you that know about my previous job at the AT&T. Well I was approved for something they said I wouldn't be able to get. woot to me. I know I mentioned I really wanted to blog about what a horrible company they are... but I also know that no one really would want to read it. At least I wouldn't. Too much negativity. Anyhoo I'm so happy that something has finally gone "my way" in regards to that awful place. Show them to be mean to a pregnant lady (a pregnant broken lady)!!

So lastly I was supposed to have jury duty and they "excused" me. Well- to them I am # A19-53 thru A19-101 who is excused. So it wasn't even personal. I even made extra bottles for tomorrow for Rowan! I know I am weird, but seriously- I think jury duty could be fun. I never did it so I could be wrong, but I was really looking forward to it. Also I was looking forward to going through the metal detector to see if my ankle will set it off. *sigh* eventually I will find out.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Blended Catfood

You know you're off to a good New Year when... Garry does a number on my chair. It looked like I took a blender to the cat food and poured it all over the seat. I should start up my own photo-journal with the adventures of Garry. He is normally very good at not puking on the furniture, but I guess even he has his off days in his old age... He's like 65 or something in cat years. Between him and Rowan I'm glad I don't have new carpet!

My dad's memorial last Sunday went off really well. It was short and sweet and ended on a pleasant note. Also, my pastor came to pay his respects (he didn't know my dad) and ended up doing a little more. That was really nice of him, really- very nice. So how do we thank him, but to over sleep today and miss church (Sorry Pastor Larry).

Anyway- My mom had some words to say and they were so sweet... I wish I could remember them all. I should ask her sometime when she is feeling more up to it. I would like to record them in her memory book I made for her. I read all the comments people left me and what my uncle Rich emailed me, then Jarrod had some words to say. We then gathered in the dining room and had some of the left over Christmas snacks from the day before. I think it turned out really well. Especially for "winging it" and I hope I never have the burden of doing something like that ever again!!

I had my brother over a couple times before he left and I got aggravated because we were bickering like old times (Then that made me laugh cuz what are we 12?). No, I didn't laugh in front of him. That would have exasperated the situation. I mean that is only the 3rd time I've seen my brother since I was 16 (that is 14 years for those that don't know how old I am to do the math). Mom must have said something to him because he called the other night and said he really did love me and it was good to see me and my kids are beautiful. I was like- who are you and where is my brother... cuz I know he could kick your ass. It was nice.

I should have said something back, but I didn't. Well no one ever said I had to be perfect (and the more you try the more you mess up). Kinda like when you're running late and you hurry to save time and end up making little mistakes (like mascara in the eye) that makes it so you're even later than if you'd just do what you normally do. Deep breaths, turbo!

May this year bring something special the others haven't yet. Maybe I'll remember to mail out all the birthday cards and stuff on time for once! I still have the same mother's day card for the last 3 years to give to my mom and grandma. I didn't find a fathers day card so I'm hoping I actually remembered to give it to my dad. I guess you never know when the last holiday is going to be with those you love so don't forget the little things- they can make all the difference.