Tuesday, December 21, 2010


Something is wrong with Rowan. He cried most of the day yesterday and is working on today, too. He slept horribly- which means I also slept horribly. Kirby thinks my lack of sleep makes me a good mom. He was not around this morning when I woke up...

Rowan is now taking a good nap which means I'm taking a break. I should be sleeping, too, but I've got too much to do... like horse around on the computer. Actually I'm being very quiet because I have my fingers crossed he'll wake up in a good mood if I give him the opportunity to sleep his owies off.

Cept seems like all the dogs in the neighborhood are barking really loud on purpose cuz they know I'm finally taking a breather. Grrr.

I wish I knew what was the matter and more importantly how to make it better. We think maybe he has a tummy ache. He's spitting more than normal. He spits a lot as it is so I think I am going to invent some kind of baby clothes that they can spit and puke and spill on all they want but they're skin will stay dry. He's so naughty- he spit while I was changing from one wet onesie to another.

You know spell check does not recognise onsie? Or is it onesie? Well we'll never know because I am NOT getting my lazy butt up to see.

My brother is in town so that means I haven't really talked to my mom. She also is going back to work this week- or trying anyway. I'm glad he is keeping her busy but I really do feel like being selfish and having her to myself. I worry once her company is gone what she is going to do?

Also I put my dad's obit in the Post and Mail (link below- I also copied and pasted). My gram called my old pastor to see if he wanted to say some words, but he can't. I told her that was okay and I think she was a little upset with me because I already put it in the paper. I felt bad enough waiting so long to do it (but we had to be sure when my brother was going to be in town). Do we really need a pastor? One of my aunts told me my dad was working on an oil rig way back when and saw a Billy Graham concert and gave his life to Christ then. I know my dad was not an avid church goer, but I think his heart was in the right place deep down. I don't think I need words of comfort because I can't see any reason God would turn him at the pearly gates.

I feel like I'm taking most responsibility for this memorial. Memorials are for the living and with that said I really want to make it special for my mom. I know how much he meant to her. I know how much they loved each other. I can't get too mushy cuz it's making my eyes tear up and I've cried enough.

Is it odd that I find it fascinating my dad worked on an oil rig?

Robert Adams, 58
December 21, 2010

Robert James Adams, 58 of Churubusco died at 11:20 p.m. Saturday, Dec. 11, 2010 at Parkview Main Hospital in Fort Wayne.
Born in California, he was a son of John and Connie Adams.
Survivors include his wife, Carol (Sharp) Adams; a son, Jarrod Adams; a daughter, Aryan Young and a brother, Richard Adams.
A memorial service will be held from 1 to 3 p.m. Dec. 26 at 113 W. North Park Drive in Columbia City.

Sunday, December 19, 2010


I never realized my dad advertised my blog to anyone. Good thing I'm not a giant drama queen anymore! That makes me feel good that he found it interesting enough to share. I'm truly sorry my blog is how you all found out. I know when it comes to the cyber world there is never any closure. Either family members will delete the accounts... but more than likely they stay there. Like an empty shell.

I am really enjoying reading the comments from his e bay chat room friends. I'm sure my mom and brother will like to hear all the nice things and little stories, too. I think when we decide on a memorial service date I will include these comments. I am going to make a scrab book thingie or something for my mom. She will really be touhed by everyone's thoughts. Thank you all so much for your kind words!

My dad always talked about the ham radio and his e bay. I also think he liked boating because when I was 12 he sent me photos of a boat he was fixing up. I like knowing that even though he was too weak to go far and socialize (or do things like boating), he still enjoyed the little things life had to offer. Thanks to today's technology even the most home bound person can still socialize and offer a lot of themselves. I remember years (a lot of years!) ago when he told me he sold $5 on e bay. I told my boss about that a couple weeks ago when we were talking about e bay (they have an e bay account). He asked if my dad charged shipping. I don't know. I was going to ask him.

I have never done e bay. But then I've also never gone to an ATM machine. I know... I should get out in the world.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Empty Little Hole

When I was growing I mentioned I was kind of an angry teenager when it came to my relationship with my dad. Just so everyone knows- my dad wasn't the only object of my anger. Also, I wasn't an angry person by any means, but like any other hormonal kid being thrown from childhood into adulthood (not to mention I thought I knew what life was all about, too) I had my share of issues. Deep down it always made me happy that my mom and him found each other again.

Anyway I always felt like I had this empty little spot. A small hole that I knew no one could ever fill except him, my dad. I'll admit I tried to find other ways to fill that gap, but was unsuccessful. No one could ever take his place. I knew I'd never be the snotty little daddy's princess... but I hoped I would have have the opportunity to build a relationship. I did. I'm so glad.

I'm still guilt ridden with the should have's in my relationship. I get so busy like everybody else, caught up in life, and forget what "life" is all about. I always think I'll do it later. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I hope I can stop to smell the flowers more.

Anyway my little hole was filled for a while. Now it's empty again. Of course I know better now than to try to fill it with something else. It's like I was putting water in my gas tank. Or substituting baking soda with flour when making pancakes (which I did once- they were so nasssty!).

Hmm. I should have told my dad that story. I'm glad he got to know the absentminded klutz that I am. I would definitely be a very boring person without my quirks.

Monday, December 13, 2010

It's kind of hard...

I just keep thinking I didn't talk to him as often as I should have. Are there always regrets, what if's, and should haves? I wish I told him I loved him last time I saw him.

It's just that I didn't have a typical father-daughter relationship most people have. He wasn't even in my life for a good portion of it. I was disappointed and angry after the first time I met him when I was a teenager (before my parents re-married). I never felt like I took the time I should have to get to know him or build a solid relationship. He's the quiet type so conversations were often awkward. I just wish I had done more on my end when he did come into my life. I told myself Saturday when the ambulance passed me on the way to the hospital that I was going to have a heart to heart with him... but he never woke up. I wish I hadn't of waited for my heart to heart or that "right" moment.

As I held his hand in the hospital I realized I never really touched him.

I know we had a mutual understanding of each other and I know we loved each other deep down, but we never so much as said so. At least not often as we should have. I know he was proud of me, but I want to know things like his favorite color and why didn't I just ask that stuff when he was there? I knew he was sick and not feeling well, but it never occurred to me that Thanksgiving was the last time I'd see him alive.

Funny- last conversation we had I showed him my ankle scar (I hadn't seen him since before I broke it) and he told me his was bigger.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

I love you, Dad

Kirby and I have been watching Dead Like Me. It is actually a pretty good series with comedy that touches on really hard topics dealing with death, the meaning, why it has to happen, and why that person??

My dad was my mom's rock, her love, her soul mate. I can't even fathom in my mind how it feels for her, no matter how "prepared" you try to make your mind.

I wasn't particularly close to my dad, but I think these last few years we had developed a mutual understanding of each other. I don't remember telling him specifically that I loved him, but I hope he knew it. I wasn't really a daddy's girl... In fact, most of my childhood I was angry he wasn't there. I wanted to know what it was like to have a dad around, but even when I was reunited and had the opportunity- I didn't jump into it. I was happy just knowing that I was part of the reason he moved 2000 miles closer.

I still have every letter, birthday card, and Christmas card I have ever gotten. I know he loved me. I know he was proud of me, even if he didn't say it aloud. Conversations didn't flow like milk and honey all the time, but that was okay. I didn't feel I had much in common, but I was happy to get to know him better. I was excited to see him at family events and that my children got to know him, even though he was often too weak to rough house and play.

Ironically what I've been thinking most about all day was my blog. When I got into a blog drama a couple years ago he got interested in them. Not for the drama, but because of me. He didn't know I liked to blog and looked forward to reading them. I never outright told him, but I knew he liked my blogs so I opened up more than normal to let him in. I liked that he read them. It made me feel special.

I know this is selfish, but I keep thinking I should have blogged more for him and now I feel this little empty hole that he won't be able to read them. It was like my special connection. I should have put more effort into it for him.

I always read and hear people saying to tell people you love them now because you never know, blah, blah, blah, but I never think it's me. How cliche because now I'm passing that message along. Funny, I used to call for my mom and always thought I should talk to him more and I just didn't a whole lot. My dad was the quiet one. He didn't complain and he certainly wasn't a chatter box like myself.

My mom says I have his smile. I think my brother looks a lot like him, though.

Now my focus must avert to my mother. If it's hard on me and my brother I know it's going to be rough on her. I'm worried for her. I love my mom so much and I don't want her hurting. It took her a long time to get to where she was- to find her happiness. We went through a lot growing up and she deserved to be happy once she and my dad rekindled their fire. I wish this was just "another scare" and he could be back with her so her pain could ease.

Lastly, I prayed for my dad (and my mom) every day for months and months for their salvation. I don't know where he stood or how religious he was. I don't know his beliefs and I resolved to myself to ask when he was conscious in the hospital. I never got that chance and now I don't know for sure. He was a good man. I know what the bible says. It doesn't matter if you're a good man or not (and that is so confusing). John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life"

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Ya Like The New Do??

Gave the blog a mini make over. We'll see how well I like it in a couple weeks.

These last couple weeks have been uber fun. If you consider a snotty nose, headache, sore throat, and cranky baby with the same fun. I have been very selfish with my germs so I shared them with Kirby. He is now half passed out on the couch. I should wake him up at 4am when Rowan can't sleep because he's stuffed and make him take the baby so I can get my beauty sleep.

Just kidding, baby (both of you). I wouldn't do that.... or would I? I mean- we can't have me going around with bags under my eyes all the time can we? Isn't wearing baby spit up on me enough for my badge of motherhood?

So anyway my daughter had a fantastic birthday party thing she did. Her friend wanted a limo ride- so that is what they did. I thought it was very unique and clever idea. The limo picked each one of them up, opened the doors for them, and took them to ice cream, too! They were all dressed fancy and got the red carpet (at the mall). They had an open bar (of coke and mountain dew). I'm glad she had fun. It was also pretty hilarious when we knocked on the wall and she thought they were coming before they actually came.

So we're doing Christmas shopping. I was at Toys R Us (do not go there if you can help it, it's ridiculous- but what place isn't this time of year?) and saw this barbie. I was like "Kirby I swear I had this exact barbie when I was little, I remember the peach dress. blah blah blah" (Blah blah blah was not actually said, but I didn't want to bore you with my excitement). He was like "It's vintage 1985" and pointed that label out to me. Apparently they are remaking some. How was I supposed to know? I was too busy admiring her dress to notice what the package said.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Good News for Bloggers

I got a new lap top! This one is named "Windy" because of Windows 7. I will miss Lappie, but I needed a computer that works. I suppose I'll have to go through all the blogs I painstakingly did over the phone and spell check them... *sigh* I'm too anal. I didn't have spell check on my phone for blogger. I also no longer have the Internet on my phone.

Now- being a new mom and all that jazz I just have to find time and topics to blog. I know you'll be looking forward to more blogging fun.

Monday, October 25, 2010


Yanno- I wanna blog and be all quirky and stuff... I just don't have it in me when I'm sleep deprived. Although that is when I do my best work. Instead of blogging with my phone in the middle of the night I've got a bottle in someone's mouth. Oh how life changes huh?

So I have a lot on my mind, including what to do about the ole job sich-ee-a-tion. I technically still have my current job... I am waiting for a mess with disability to clear up (or not) and see how I stand from there. I've wanted to blog about it and complain, but really- who wants to read about my complaining when they hear me talk about it enough?

Seems like lately I have had a lot of pitfalls. It seems like the things that are "easy" in life are really difficult and the things that are "hard" are not too bad. Sometimes I don't feel so much like getting out of my jammies (today for one, I didn't) and then others I go all out with the making up my face and stuff. Some weird moods. Supposedly I still have those hormones making me bonkers??

Oh if only I had the answers... at least some. I'm tired of feeling guilty for Kirby for MY situation. After all, it's really my fault I'm in the position I'm in. I wish my past decisions would stop haunting me and let bygones be bygones. I know it's all in my head. I can feel it rattle around in there when I shake it.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Won't Be Racing Anytime Soon

But I am walking!! woo hoo. I have a horrid limp (I know it'll get better) and it makes me think of Frankenstein zombie or something. I felt stupid going to the mailbox. At least with the giant boot I looked like I had an excuse. Now I look like a normal person impersonating a cripple.

So anyway it's great to be free, but my ankle is really hurty. So Garry hopped up on the counter (apparently he's been doing it a lot these last 2 1/2 months I have not been very mobile) and I yelled at him. He looks at me like "so whatcha gonna do about it???" I'ma get up and kick your hiney! That's what. I yell again with more mean growel. He struts his stuff cuz really- what am I going to do?

Normally by now I'd jump up fast as lightning, sprint over, and barely miss swatting (cuz he may be old, but he's still got those feline reflexes no matter how fast I am). But we all know there is no "normally" left for a while. I hop up from my chair- too fast because I tremble in pain in my ankle.

I'm sure he'd laugh if cats had laughing boxes. You know what he does? Any ordinary cat would be high tailing it out of there once the human stands up. He stares at me smiling (I know he was). He actually made me hobble over toward him to feebly think of swatting him off. By my third hobble I've made it 2 feet from my chair and he decides he's tortured me enough. He slowly walks to the end of the counter and nonchalantly jumps off and avoids me for the rest of the afternoon.

Sunday, October 3, 2010


I was going to title this "frustrations" and as soon as I did that I got a hangnail and that was kind of frustrating. Then I thought who would want to read a blog titled "frustrations?" Cuz that'll mean the blog is all whiney. No- what people like is drama and secrets! So viola! There we go.

So anyway I really AM frustrated, but I put on my happy face. You know the one. I just don't feel like it when I'm alone. Which is the majority of the day. Sometimes I feel like my mind is numb. It's like back in 8th grade when I thought I had life figured out and I only functioned because that was it. I guess I just want people to think that things are better with me (inside) than they really are. It's easier to say "fine" when asked how I'm doing. And do people REALLY want to know? I don't think so.

My mind is a roller coaster.

I love my home life, but not my job (and I haven't even gone back yet). Is it bad I get all anxious just thinking about it? I dread going back there. Spending 1/3 of my life at some place that can't even fake treat me as a valued person is just not something I look forward to subjecting myself to.

I keep thinking of those women that say they don't even want to get undressed in front of their husbands because of their bodies. I don't want to be like that, but I feel like it now. I cried this morning because I can't even wear most of my maternity pants due to unusual hyper sensitivity in my belly. I'm sure this is a c-section thing. How can I feel beautiful when physically I'm in pain? I cried this morning because it just exhausts me.

So I'm pretty much over the ankle and walking like a robot thing. Well not over it per-say, but used to it. I can't say it's still annoying (because going on 2 1/2 months it IS), but the light is at the end of the tunnel. By the end of the week I'll be taking the boot off and off I go... (applause inserted here). Okay so it probably won't be that easy; it'll be baby steps. Any steps are better than none, right?

With that said- I'm frickin scared out of my mind. I keep having vivid dreams and day dreams of my foot being so weak it just flops and snaps. Makes me shudder. Shuddering kinda makes the belly hurt. wierd.

So I was thinking about some of my 'funny' quirky blogs. I kinda miss that me. It's been a hard road and I know I've had hard roads before. I'm ready to find that fork to easy lane.

I still laugh a lot. Mostly at Rowan. He burped in my face this evening. It smelled like baby formula. That made me laugh. Oh and it seems like the only time he takes a dump is when he's in my lap. Luckily I have not had any squirt on ME (yet).

I really love being a mom. I would give up anything to be able to stay home with him and do the housewife thing. Maybe learn to cook (better) and me & the baby go grocery shopping. I'm already domesticated in the coupon clipping area.

Last thing for tonight- I promise at some point I will end up doing something silly I can blog about and we can all get some laughs again. Also, it's been a while since I blogged about my cats. I know you miss them.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Thank You!!

Now I want to take this portion of my blog to thank those that have helped me since my broken ankle and my giving birth. If I leave anyone out I apologize, but I really am thankful from the bottom of my heart. First off all those that have said prayers for me, the baby, and my family.

My grandma, Travis, Mike, Missy, and Mollie, for staying with me those first couple weeks after I broke my ankle. The kids for doing all they do (even if it was the bare minimum at times). Also those that stopped by to see how I was doing (Dusty), providing snacks (Bryce and Amanda who both showed up with sundaes and frosty's for not just me, but the whole lot of kids), and all the books to borrow (Julie, Erica, and Jessica). My neighbor Carol for making us several delicious meals and Nadia for her delicious meal, too. I've never had pulled pork and that was yummy!

To those that stayed with me or kept me company those first couple weeks while I was still not able to walk after I had the baby: Kris, Kendra, Mollie, my mom, and Grandma. My church for providing us lots of meals that first week I was home with Rowan. Also the people that stopped by to see how the baby and I were doing including my friend Jessica, Ashley, and my cousin Jessica.

Most of all I want to thank my wonderful husband. I have mentioned in more than one blog his involvement in keeping the house, taking care of me, and working to provide the bacon for our table. Kirby is really such a wonderful person! I honestly don't think anyone else could have taken better care of me. He has been patient, tender, and loving. He has helped me when I was unable to help myself in every embarrassing way- especially postpartum. I wish I could express how wonderful he really is, but I feel a simple blog won't do him justice. I just can't express how I feel in mere words. I am not by any means done with my recovery, but I have to give credit where credit is due. I wish anyone could get a glimpse of how I see him through my eyes.

Adventures of Rowan

So after 8 years what is it like to be a mommy again? Weird. I had not forgotten how to change a dirty diaper. Or to make sure I don't jostle a baby too much after a feeding. Although an "emergency" trip to the bathroom left me no choice, but to let him swing shortly after eating. He enjoyed it, but not so much the changing of the clothes for the 3rd time that day. Daddy and I learned when changing the diaper to make sure it is pointed down in the diaper and not left to it's own accord. That lesson took us a while. Like SEVERAL clean outfits and blankets later from the diaper leaking through the leg.

Also I have the worlds cutest infant (currently screaming in daddy's arms cuz he refuses to burp). That baby burps like a real grown up person. He has his own personality and will grunt (like we're fooled) while he's being burped. When he does though- wow. I bet he could put a couple drunks to shame. Okay he's loud, but maybe not THAT loud. Definitely all boy!

He is 3 1/2 weeks now. Where did the time go?

Besides taking care of my wee one I haven't done anything overly amusing except for recovery. Apparently being a new mother, learning to walk, and have had major abdominal surgery takes it out of you. I still have wicked cabin fever, but I'm not as energetic and lively as I make myself out to be. I know nap when the baby does, but I'm ready to be a normal person again. So by bed time (when he's wide eyed and bushy tailed) I'm exhausted. Geez there goes that burp!

Frankenankle update: Apparently losing 25 lbs and the pregnancy induced edema is the trick for the ankle feeling 78% better. Seriously. I have began my recovery to walking- with the boot. I started out at 25% and am up to 100%. I have a wicked limp. I think that is mostly due to the fact the book raises my leg by like 2 inches. So it's nice to be able to walk to pick up my baby and carry him (albeit, I wouldn't carry him too much after he's eaten with my jagged limp!). I also have to be cautious of carrying hot liquids in a mug. A little unstable for that. -and now I did not learn that the hard way!

In all honesty I will admit, I'm scared out of my gourd to walk w/o my boot. It's like my ankle is all exposed and ready to snap again... ugh. I don't get that figure of speech "scared out of your gourd" I'm not a pumpkin!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Welcome Home Little One

For those that have wondered where I have been the last week... We can welcome baby Rowan! He was born September 1st, 8:02, 8lbs 3oz, 20 1/4 in.

Rowan is perfect and everyone else is great. Kids doing well. Kirby really truly the best husband I could hope for.

My recovery has been a little difficult with the ankle complications and cesearian. I had 15 staples! We had a drama on sunday when I split the incision open a little. Again I have overwhelming feelings of guilt for my plight. I won't elaborate too much on the woe is me blogs.

As much pain as I'm in I would do it over for Rowan (or any of my children) if I had to. I look forward to being able to pick him up, change him, and give a bath. All that fun baby stuff.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Frankenankle Update

This is for those actually interested in what I have to say (well of course you are mildly interested or you wouldn't read) and how my ankle is doing. I can't imagine it is interesting reading... If my ankle weren't broke I probably wouldn't read much of others constant complaining. Not that it's complaining today. It's rather update/good news.

So anyway I had my appt today and I have to be in the boot full time for the rest of the week.... ugh. so on Monday the 6th I can put 25% of my weight on it. I can start to walk with pressure- music to my ears!! So how do we know what 25% of my weight is?? I have to weigh myself, divide that by 4, then put pressure on the scale with my bad foot until I reach 25% so I know how much I can do. Clever, eh? I always wondered how you would know how much to put on it. I figured until it hurt too bad or something. The tricky part is getting ON the scale in the first place. I think if I jump on it- it won't like me.

So after a while I'll work up to 50% and so on and so forth until I am at 100% and no crutches. He give me about 6 weeks to accomplish that.

The best part?? Once I am weight bearing I can take the boot off to sleep! If you have ever slept in one of those you know how uncomfortable it is- and bulky- and hot- and itchy (that last part is probably just my leg healing or muscle atrophy-ing! I will be boot free hopefully in about 5 weeks. I am going to work really super hard.

My next blog will be- a birth announcement! I know you're all ready for those details.

ps- My orthopedic Dr said I have stainless steel in me. He also informed me I will not set off any metal detectors. I am a little disappointed in that news, but I shouldn't let it deter me from trying!

Monday, August 30, 2010

Worry Worry Wart!

There will be a baby this week!!! Also I have an ankle appt tomorrow/today. I'm so nervous and excited. I'm worried my range of motion isn't good enough. I really hope to be able to start to put pressure on it. My good knee still screams in pain and pops now. Yikes!

Kirby says it will get better when I get rid of some of this heavy belly. That is this week ready or not. I have to have a c-section (if you ever have a choice natural is better and you heal faster).

I'm worried because walking helps the healing process for the c-section... And I use lots of stomach muscles to use the crutches. Besides pain I don't want to hurt my innards by over doing with the use of my muscles. I guess we'll see. I'm sure I'm not the only pregnant lady that has had to deal with this situation.

I'm also worried cuz this poor baby has had so many pain pills (my OB assures me he'd rather me take them than be in pain, but I still worry).

I must be good at that!

I am also seriously considering another personal choice of which I won't discuss at this time (if you are not dense I'm sure you know what I'm talking about). That also is reason for some worry.

Lastly I'm going to try breast feeding. I attempted with Gavin (over 12 years ago), but had trouble and not enough support. Kirby supports me, but I am afraid I will have the same problem I did with Gavin or be in more pain on top of everything else. At least that is a "normal" worry!

I know everything will be ok and work out. It always does.
Worry is a weird word when you say it over and over.

So besides those annoyong worries I'm also so super excited to meet this precious little guy. I love him so much already. Kirby is nervous and excited, too. This is our 1st, his 2nd, my 3rd, and our blended family's 4th. Plus we sometimes get Cruz. So that will be 5 kids sometimes in my house at once. From newborn to 14!! Of course that number fluctuates with the children's other parents and stuff, but we're always on our toes!

Kirby and I used to almost always get "our" time every other weekend- now we won't. We'll have to be like "normal" families! We are so ready to start this new chapter...

Of all the kids I think Gwyneth is the most excited. I can't wait to see their reactions when they meet their little brother. I wonder if anyone else (besides big sister) will want to hold him?? With that said will I ever get to hold him (I guess this is where him eating all the time will come in handy for me).

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Another Midnight Blog

Soon to be replaced by midnight feedings and dirty diapers. In less than a week if this little baby does not grace us with his presence he's going to have to come anyway. And he'll like it whether or not he likes it!

I have an ankle appt on the 31st. I really hope for good good good news that will make taking care of a new born easier. I.e. More mobility.

I know I won't be ready for any running around shopping or brisk fall walks, but I'll be happy if I can start putting some weight on it. Like getting up with the use of both feet so my good knee stops screaming at me for doing all the work (I will refrain from any "lazy" comments or he may decide to give out on me totally).

Anyway I know all these pregnant and ankle posts are probably getting boring. I can't wait to blog all the silly exploits of the kids and baby.

Gavin was probably one of the funniest toddlers- especially learning to talk. That boy picked up on every thing. Not to mention we kinda taught him some naughty things... I think his dad taught him to hit someone's behind and say "big ole butt." I was mad, BUT I would lie if I didn't laugh and find it amusing and/or encourage it. I'm pretty sure he did that to a couple ladies in church. We had to put a stop to it then.

We had to stop listening to certain songs around Gwyneth because she was singing along- ALL the words. Really bad words I wouldn't even say... I didn't even realize some of our taste in music was so bad till then! I have slightly improved... Working on it moreso cuz she has lectured me (yes me) and Kirby about profane language. She does not want to hear it (Yeah- Go Gwyneth!).

I'm not sure of some of the things Josh and Cruz did... But I'm sure they have their fair share. Speaking of Cruz: He is teenager AND in high school now. Love that kid, but we can't deny the teenager part. He's very helpful and sweet, but the teenager part may turn up some good blogging material yet. :-).

I'm glad we have such a good bunch and happy to add to it. I am once again getting beat in the bladder... Someone definately has their days and nights mixed up!!

Monday, August 23, 2010

Trucking Along... still

I have cramping tonight! I shouldn't get excited. I'm sure it's just some lame gas. The one time I have had good contractions I started to time and then fell asleep.

The ankle front is about the same. It's really itchy on the non-surgery side. Does that mean those bones are coming together? And hurty on the surgery side. Still gets purple in the shower, but not as bad.

I also haven't noticed any new range of motion. I have an orthopeadic appt on the 2nd- they want me to have full range of motion. At least I think I remember that... I was a bit distracted by the pain I was in. I can't help if the dratted thing won't do as I command. It's like trying to use the force in real life. Or asking the cat to bring me something.

And FYI: We all know the cats do not bring me things because of the opposable thumb issue. It's cuz they don't want to.

My "good" leg is looking beefy compared to the bad one. I blame it on the pregnancy induced edema as well as it's getting a work out and a half! The poor guy's knee is SORE and throbby. I've been putting ice on him. I think my problem is that he's bearing all my weight- all my giant pregnant weight!

Soon, yesss very soon we won't have so much weight on it. I am due in 2 weeks. Oh- its after midnight; make that 1 week and 6 days!

The children start school tomorrow. My son is in middle school. Nuts- I know. I just can't believe how much older he gets every year. He is getting that mature young adult look about him. Still a kid, but my time is limited.

Well I'm still cramping in combination to someone doing acrobatics... Not comfortable! He should know he's too big to be doing that in there and come out to play!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Up... Again

Where ever did I find the time to blog before heartburn?? That and doing it from my phone so I don't have to get my cripple self to a computer...

Anyway I took a pain pill at midnight so I thought fo sho I would get some sleep. I took my tums, my maalox, and more tums; that stomach acid insists on creeping up despite those pregnancy safe defenses. The "burning" part I can tolerate. It's the waking up cuz the stomach acid got in the back of my mouth part I hate. Especially if I'm sleeping deep and have to cough it out of my wind pipe. Its one thing to choke on the excess saliva pregnancy also presents you with- but over active digestive juices. Yuck!

I will most definately not miss that when this beautiful baby comes. Among some other things: like swelling, shortness of breath, squished ribs, peeing all the time.. Etc. lol.

I really never liked being pregnant with the first two. Gavin I was so young and frankly- freaked out. Plus I didn't know half the things going "wrong" with my body were a part of being pregnant. And I kinda had school (yes, high school) to work on. It seems once I had him my entire world became clear and I didn't fathom love until then. I was young, but he didn't care.

Gwyneth- I was kind of neutral. I kinda felt guilty for Gavin (she was semi-planned) if I got into the excitement too much... But I WAS excited. Not that Gavin would ever care either way. He was excited, too, once I was big and we had talks about it. I was also introduced to a plethora of new pregnancy symptoms (they do say every pregnancy is different and for me it is) that made me down right miserable. Plus I had more concerns for my future (I had grown up some) and financial stability. Of course as always things worked out. Her birth showed me even more love for my children I never thought I was capable of.

This baby- except for my employments horrible disability policy and unwillingness to work with me- I have thoroughly enjoyed every aspect. I'm just so excited to be blessed with helping God create life again and that He has entrusted this little person to me! Of course it's no fun staying up with acid gurgling to get in my mouth- I do get lots of time to day dream (or night dream) about my little man and our family. I'm going to miss being pregnant, I think. My squirmy little guy all nestled inside me safe, warm, and happy.

I've been saying he is the bow that ties my blended family together. I believe he will be a delight to all of us and can't wait to meet him.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Ready or Not... nevermind

So it's almost a close for this weekend. I think I could enjoy the rest of this pregnancy resting, but you try to take a nap with 3 kids in and out. In and out. In and out. And the (like my eyes are closed for the fun of it) "Can I have a snack?". "Can I have a waterballoon fight?" "Can I go to so-n-so's house" questions. Nap= outlook not so good. I did manage a little shut eye- but it was about as choppy as last night.

I've had a few lame braxton hicks, here and there. What I had a taste of last night was the 'I can't move for the pain wrapped around my belly' kind of hurts. I thought I was doing another of those kidney stone things I had a few months ago (NOT FUN). But I realized the pain let up and I dozed off again- til the next one. My brain (sometimes it takes a while) realized- HEY. Contractions!!! Woo hoo!! So I started timing them when they woke me up. I must have already had like 3 or 4. 2:25. Next one 2:35. Wow ok 10 minutes apart. Fell back asleep. Then woke up five something to use the bathroom. I had 2 more, obviously no pattern, just for extra giggles -and one on the way to church.

So besides poor sleep I have not gotten to see my bundle of joy. Maybe next time... I think Kirby is ready for him (we still need wipes!).

Friday, August 13, 2010

I'm The Antagonist

Oh for crying out apples! I know I complained my last blog about the kids. I since had a good lecture/talk with them about fighting. I will say they have improved in some areas. Gwyneth is the biggest problem and we are working hard.

Its tough being the youngest AND only girl. Often she's the one to get fed up first and lash out in her frustration. She starts as many with everyone as they start with her- so yes most of the problems with bickering center around her.

I wonder if I have been raising the kids right? They do what I ask, but won't go the extra mile. For example: I was left 3 squares in their bathroom (theirs is closer). So I took the empty roll off and left the holder on the sink. I asked one of them to get some more. They left it on the sink next to the holder. Come on- it would take an extra 3 seconds to put the roll on the holder.

They only do the bare minimum. They fight and jump on volunteering over the easy chores (like feeding the cats and recycles), but heaven forbid anyone offer to vacuum or sweep. Or anything that will require a little effort.

When did they get so lazy and selfish? I ask for a water and someone put my empty ones in the fridge instead of rinsing out and refilling.

Where is the desire to help and do the right thing? Where are is the desire for doing hard work and a good job? Don't they want to blow me away with how great they really are? Shouldn't I brag how helpful they have been? I know if anything happens to me when I'm an old lady it's straight to the nursing home. That is the attitude they have shown me this last week. Is this how you really treat anyone that needs help??

Of course it would be blasphemy if I didn't mention the last time we went grocery shopping they were ideal and perfect in every sense. Didn't ask for anything, didn't fight, offered to get heavy items, bending over for me- and even putting away when we got home! I took them to eat and it was perfect. I felt like the worlds best mom.

Why are things with the kids so sporradical? I know they have it in them- why can't I have it now? I am so needy now than before.

I know- I'm on a total rant. My BP is probably ridiculous from my stress. Who ever thought it would be so stressful sitting on the couch all day?? Lol. Only I could make being laid up (with a fancy phone, books, word search, tv, etc at my fingertips, etc) something to complain about.

It's like I lost my happiness and can't get up to look for it. I don't want to be so negative all the time. I hate nagging and lecturing the kids. I certaintly don't want to stress Kirby out- but I lynch him as soon as he walks in the door. What happened to my smile? It didn't break with my ankle, did it?

Do I have to zap the zest around everyone that comes in contact with me? Nag, yell, complain, cry? I know this is only temporary. I know in no time I'll be chasing after a little toddler and going to middle school concerts.

I wish I could go sit at the table and chat Kirby's ear off about everything like normal. It's just such a pain to feel like I have to yell across the house to talk to him. I miss the attention I used to steal from him. Hovering when he cooks, following him like a lost puppy just to be close... I know he's too busy to come to me and give it to me... I can't expect him to all the time.

I guess it's no mystery why I plowed through 4 700+ page books in a week. Anyway my stomach is hurting: cramping up. I really kinda thought today would have been a good birthday, but he's only teasing me with braxton hicks.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Ima Grouchy Mama

I'll admit this. I think I've cried about every night since I fell. From physical pain, physical exhaustion, mental anguish, pregnant hormones- whatever. I don't know why I can't fight them. Sometimes I have to fight them all day just to wait until my release at night. Where its private and I can really let go.

I was just dozing off a minute ago. My ankle really hurts (I've not been taking pain pills as much as possible- so this is raw pain. Better than the first week, but I have new aches that come with various issues I'm dealing with). ANYWAY I was in that half dream state trying to fall asleep. My little boy was learning to walk and the house was strewn with everyone's toys and junk. I was nagging to pick up because I'm now paranoid about people tripping. I was going through my rant how I didn't trip on anything- just the sidewalk... Then my mind focused on my actual fall.

I'm not sure why but it's instant agony. I remember every detail clear as a bell. I remember my first stumble and how foolish I thought I looked and no doubts I would straighten up and vow to walk more careful. Then the bone pops and feeling it and seeing it... And I think the worst- making it move and it wouldn't... The pain that just has not gone away. That is when I fully awoke to my tears tonight.

I have to move the frankenankle now for my therapy. It's so achy and disappointing I can't make it do what I want. I just realized I'm lazily moving my right foot back and forth- not even thinking about it. I can't even get my left foot to move without concentrated effort. I can't even move my toes the way my mind is willing.

I sit in my misery on the couch every day. I'm tired, worn out, sore joints, aching muscles, frustrated. And I listen to the kids bicker over everything: bedroom doors, who's knocking, how much ketchup they have, gum, where they're sitting, nothing is beyond them. They aren't terrible, but it's enhanced in my mind, like an irritating mosquito in your ear. So I do the only thing I can do from the couch. I yell, nag, lecture... I feel horrible cuz that is all it feels like I do.

I'm disappointed because I was so anxious to see them and have them around. I pictured watching lots of movies and their willingness to be helpful and step up with household needs, too. I figured they would understand and try harder to behave (of course I'm not diluted enough to think they wouldn't fight at all). I just expected more. They're not terrible by any means, they are just kids, but no one will take the initiative. They are all older and perfectly capable of acting more grown up and responsible. Everyone wants to be treated older- here is perfect opportunity to show me you can get more priveleges! So I feel like the mean mom and wicked step mom with only negativity coming out. My faith in them stepping up and acting more grown up in my time of need was stupid. I should have known they would be more cause of stress than delight.

Maybe I am the mean grouch. I want to curl up and fall asleep and I can't get comfortable. I can't do effing anything on my own! (Well I can at least wipe my own butt. Lol)

Maybe tomorrow I will be stronger... And better spirited.

And yes- since lappie stopped working I have been doing these from my phone... No spell check- sorry. At least I think the heartburn is mostly gone now...

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Shower Day!!!

It was an exciting day. I managed to get to church and that was really good. My cousin and her family went with us and visited ahead of time before the shower. Wish they didn't live so far away!

So my mom and one of my friends were planning the shower. My friend has been sick a lot and was feeling better, but had a relapse... She stopped by to give us the grand prize and games. When I spoke to her before her arrival she was having trouble with the games and her printer. I was worried there wouldn't be many, so my cousin and I thought up a couple on the fly. One was the diaper game. We let the boys take charge of that before bailing the hen party. I think they enjoyed that too much. The broccoli and cheese diaper was nearly overflowing. Also- you can put 12 squares of t.p. Around my belly... Everyone was shocked it was so little when I'm so big!

Anyway the shower was real fun. Lots of people couldn't make it last minute, but those that did had the privelege of sharing an embarrassing moment when we introduced ourselves. Let's just say I have a special group of friends and family and its amazing there aren't more broken bones.

Speaking of broken bones- when I did my therapy afterwards I was able to wiggle my pinky toe!! Woo hoo!! Who'd ever think how exciting it would be to wiggle a little toe!? I liked letting the leg air out... But after a while the ankle got achy and I'm glad to have the boot back on. It only weighs 2 lbs 12 oz, but feels like 20 lbs, hot and cramped... But my foot was glad to be back in!

Someone has the hiccups so I'm going to enjoy that. Like I said on my facebook the other day- I love to feel him move (except maybe on my bladder), its the best feeling.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Backseat Cleaner

Every day brings more challenges with the giantness of my pregnancy and the frankenankle...

This newest challenge? Letting the kids take care of me- sort of. Kirby is taking a well deserved day off with one of his good friends in Indy... At GenCon... Where I would slowly be waddling through if I hadn't of fallen. I wanted him to go and have fun. Of course I'm jealous, but its a happy jealousy- for him. He needs a mini break from taking care of me.

So this morning I woke up to excited screams from the boys playing Call of Boring (that's right, Call of BORING on the x-box lol). I asked Gwyneth to please get my pillows, please get my water, please etc. By time I finished my cereal and she was rinsing it out for me she says "I really wish you didn't have a broken ankle cuz this is really annoying!" I told her, "yes it is annoying because I would much rather just get up and do these easy things myself...". She got my point. I also wanted to mention I could have snuck a cookie while pouring my cereal, but that would give my tactics away.

So I asked Cruz for some juice and he got me my fiber drink- double dosage. Ok well that's fine. I suppose I would have needed some today anyway... Those dratted prenatal vitamins!

Okay now the hard part. My shower is tomorrow and I can't do MY cleaning. I'm so anal about how its done. I really can't stand to see the kids (bless their hearts) do it "wrong" either. I was a little nit picky. So I haven't done jack since my fall.

Despite my upcoming shower this stuff needed to be done. I made a list... A very long list that extends well beyond their regular chores (poor kids, lol). They were all 4 really good sports about it. I'll admit I was a tyrant. I thanked them for helping and putting up with me. ... And really- they did an awesome job.

Of course its not exactly how I like it. I wish I could just do a quick once over... But I have to learn patience (funny I keep preaching that to my daughter) and just suck it up. It's a good lesson for them and myself. I'm thinkng more for me. I know things don't have to be perfect and I'm sure my guests will not notice the imperfections I see. I'm sure even my husband won't either, but whatever reason I'm keen on tuning into those. I have to put my focus elsewhere.

I know I don't have to have a perfect house for everyone, but I like it perfect for me. Or rather "my" way as I'm sure others would critisize even me! It's just so nice to relax in a room you know is clean cuz it's all been taken care of. My bedroom is next on my list... Lol... another day- and I say this begrudgingly. :-).

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Bring on the Pain

It should actually be titled bring on more pain. Or rather let's get rid of the pain!

I would like to be walking by time little R comes, but outlook not so good. Lol Of course I knew that, but its just so weird when it becomes more real- like my next ortho appt is literally the day before my scheduled c-section.

I really wish I could sneak my cookies. I've had to resort to calling them my circular ankle disks. Of course my 12 year old is too smart for my evil cookie tactics.

I had my orthopeadic appt today. We were gone for 4 hours! They took my cast/splint off. That hurt like a mother I didn't say any bad words. I didn't look, but could FEEL. I think I cried more than the kid next to me. How pathetic is that? He probably has better pain medication!

My daughter was with us. I hate to say it upset her pretty bad to see me so upset, but she didn't want to go in the lobby- she stuck it through, the trooper.

My whole foot is still swollen bad. Much worse than I thought. My toes are overstuffed beefy sausages. Rest looks like an alien leg. The about 5ish inch scar with the stitches- disgusting (of course I got a photo!).

So then I had x-rays. Honestly they hurt so bad in the ER I was a little nerve wracked. It wasn't bad. X-ray lady didn't even touch it. Of course I had double lead for the baby.

Verdict: I have 5 screws in my plate. One is crooked. Looks like it was drilled right in the bone. Euww.

Next my stitches came out, I NEVER want to feel those guys again! I never had stitches that weren't the disolving kind. It felt like bee stings all the way. They were big fatty ones too. I had about 12. We'll count them later...

Lastly I got my "walking" boot. I say "walking" cuz I'm not actually allowed to put ANY pressure on it for the next 4 weeks. In fact except for bathroom and shower I have to keep it up pretty much all the time. Going to have to restuff my coushins...

The fun part: I get to do this fun therapy where I practice several times a day moving my ankle to get mobility back. Yay!! I think its not going to be very pleasant.

I also had my OB appt; that was interesting with my 'situation'. Otherwise it went great. Baby is perfect, active, good beat, not ready at all to come. Which is good!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010


There have been times I may have felt depressed where this word had popped into my mind. Even through my divorce. I remember it there a lot then. Raw and open.

Of course I wasn't. All those times I drudged myself out of bed, slapped on my happy smile, and trucked through the day. I could work. I could cook for my children (very poorly, but I did). I could go outside, drive where I needed, look for lost items. There were lots of things I could do. Really I was not useless. But of course that word had another meaning at those depressed times.

I know I'm not now, but I certaintly can't go in the pantry and sneak a cookie or get my juice I haven't had for 3 days. I can't even go through my "me" routine washing my face, etc. I haven't fixed my hair since I fell (I may try tomorrow) or anything I do to make "me" feel good. I'm not independent at all. That makes me feel useless in a new way. Probably the proper meaning.

My children came back from their dads. My daughter asked if I could tuck her in tonight. I can't. Then she accidentally stubbed her toe on my foot. It hurt, but the reason I cried was not really from the pain.

It was for the same reason the kids were slamming their doors and I couldn't go snarl at them to behave. Same reason I wanted a popsicle and didn't ask. Same reason I continue to strain my muscles reaching for things out of reach (like my dove soap).

I'm glad it was me though. I think I'm tougher than the rest. I think this would hurt Kirby more- or the kids. They're all too active. I feel bad Kirby hasn't done much for "him"... I don't want him to miss his karate or games and stuff on my behalf. I have a lot to occupy my time. I'm perfectly fine alone and much better on crutches for bathroom breaks. I feel like I've temporarily turned everyones lives upside down. Won't hurt the kids to pitch in more... Lol

Tomorrow I get my stitches out and recast or whatever. Kinda excited and nervous. Hope it doesn't hurt too much. I also have OB appt. I'm anxious as this is my first since I fell... I wonder how they are going to weigh me? Or how I'm going to get that pee sample. Those cups they keep way high.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010


I know I should be excited when Kirby comes home, but it just makes me depressed. I hate seeing him wait on me hand and foot- yet without him I would go thirsty and hungry and wear the same clothes all week. I probably would have fallen all wobbly on those crutches, too (and broke something else). The problem is I am weak.

He has been doing laundry, dishes, even picking out my clothes... everything. Everything I should be doing. Plus everything the care of me requires. My dropped chapstick, adjusting the pillows under my leg- the list continues endlessly. I hate to be so dependent. I feel like such a burden. I'm afraid of asking too much because I know my basic needs are many as it is.

This injury really can make a person wonder if the trouble is worth it. I'm certaintly not productive or pulling my weight.

I know I'm emotional as it is being pregnant and all that goes along with it. I cried a ridiculous amount today- over everything.

I'm sure I look awful; I feel awful, ugh. I can't ask for more. I'm afraid enough will be enough and I have a ways to go with this frankenankle... And our baby that will arrive before I'm walking. Did I mention I'm a little freaked about giving birth this way?

Speaking of baby- the little guy is squishing my bladder. It's very painful to get up with all the blood rushing down and the pressure and stuff so I must end this and start the process.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Lappie Pooped On Me

Last time I tried to make a blog via this fancy phone from my work- it didn't work. Something is wrong with lappie so she won't turn on. I could go upstairs to my pc that is 10 years old (okay closer to 9)... But yah that aint happening w/ a broke ankle.

This really bites a little. I'm anxious to get my lazy butt off the couch. Oh well I have my baby shower coming up to keep me occupied. I don't think that is good distraction cuz its being thrown here and I can't clean! Well... I could clean off the couch I'm laying on.

Crutches suck. As I said before its love/hate and my good leg burns from doing all the work. I will have one sexay leg when I'm better. I'm thinking the more armpit hair I grow the more padding, but that is just icky. Also my palms hurt. Ugh. Can't go pee every 5 minutes with out them!! Crutches win. Sigh.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Creating Frankenankle

Yes, that is what I nicknamed my poor pathetic ankle- for those that didn't catch on. Because of the special hardware that is now helping hold it together.

Surgery Monday went really well. Of course this blog is delayed because I am not very mobile and can't always get on my computer. Kirby made it so I can access it, but I can't sit very comfortable for very long so my time is limited.

ANYHOO- because of the risk of complications I had to be awake for my surgery. Pretty scary. I asked more than once if I could have headphones... I wanted to be sure I didn't hear any "sounds" Like surgery sounds. I'm a big wimp.

BTW- for the record... I hate needles. You get poked a lot before you have surgery.

My anesthesiologist was great! He gave me a sedative- or as the nurse called it: "I don't care medicine" in my IV. I had a spinal. It was a much better experience than when I had Gwyneth. I felt the stinging shot from the numbing medicine, but don't remember the actual spinal needle like I do with her. In fact I remember part way through the surgery if they were going to get started. My legs felt really warm and cozy- no ache. I didn't have to pee as bad as I did before. So I WAS awake, but I was totally out of it. I remember talking around me, but couldn't tell you what was said. I remember looking up and around and seeing people and lights... thinking this didn't look like an operating room. I napped through most of it. I didn't get my headphones, but being as incoherent as I was- that was ok!

When they told me it was over I kept asking about my baby. I wasn't satisfied until the nurse came in and I could hear the little heartbeat myself! I had some feelings in my hands and I put them on my belly and felt him move that way before I could actually feel him move on the inside. It was weird- feeling my own baby move just by my hands and not on the inside. Baby was great and not affected much. I was pretty out for a long time.

They gave me morphine when the spinal wore off. The ride home was the most painful thing I ever had to endure. My toes were purple. It was all I could do to get home and get my leg up...

Good news was they only had to do one side of my ankle with plate and screws. I don't remember why... but apparently the way I broke it the other side will heal okay without the hardware holding it together.

So anyway that is the jist of my surgery experience. I really really missed the kids... I can't wait to see them. Okay before I get all sappy and teary eyed like my pregnant self is I'd better finish this up.

Next time we'll discuss crutches and how bad they suck, and how bad it would suck with out them. We have a love hate relationship. Especially my bruised armpits and hands...

Tuesday, July 27, 2010


Where to even begin? I'm sitting here laid up with my frakenankle. Yup, that is what I have.

So Sunday I was going to visit some family that live out of town. I had my purse, pillow (for my belly), and phone. I started my car and saw one of out neighbors unloading their trunk and wondered if I locked the door. I never check our door. But for whatever reason compelled me to do so would be the decision that now has me laid up.

So anyway I don't know exactly how it happened. I must have had my foot on the edge of the walk and rocks or something. Either way- I lost my footing. I stumbled into the rocks to balance myself on the side of the house. This was probably a matter of seconds... I remember thinking 'I'm glad no one is out to see me walk afool.' Then before I knew it I realized there was no avoiding going down. As instinct- I made sure to avoid hitting my belly when I fell. I heard this distinctive "POP pop pop" and thought 'I broke it!' Then I thought, 'no it was the rocks hitting the side of the house.' My ankle did hurt pretty bad. I knew I at least sprained it. So before I started to get up I did a once over on the belly and felt the baby. 'Okay, I didn't land on my belly...' My foot definitely hurt. I was swollen already and figured I sprained it. I would hobble to my car, turn off the engine, and go back inside and put my feet up. Oh gosh it hurt so bad! I tried to get up and I couldn't move it. I looked down and it looked funny.

I called for help a couple times, feebly hoping the neighbor on the other side of me would hear, but no one heard me. I was starting to freak out a little as I was in direct sun on the hot walk with my car running unable to move. Thank God I had my phone! I called 911 for the first time. They sent an ambulance. I then calmed down enough to get them to let me go so I could call Kirby. Of course my hysterics revived and I was in sooo much pain! Kirby got there right when the ambulance did. He may have been a little freaked, even with my assurances the baby was okay- I clearly was not. That was the first time I rode in an ambulance. It was not that much fun- not like the movies. Not that I figured it would be, but I guess I never pictured myself in one before.

X-rays are the worst. I won't even elaborate because if you've never had a broken bone x-rayed there really is no way to describe it. I wouldn't have known, nor do I ever wish to know again.

So the verdict is: broke both sides of my left ankle. I had to get surgery- plate and screws (hence the nick name frankenankle). Not the best situation for an already miserable pregnant lady...

Until the throbbing stops....

ps- on the flip side my "good" foot is no longer swollen. Probably because I haven't hardly walked on it in the last 3 days...

Friday, July 23, 2010

Last Day Of Work

Not forever though, but until I have this baby and have to (begrudgingly) return to the grind.

I wouldn't mind the grind so much except the "union" took over at my place of employment. I would not recommend union to anyone, but really if you work for a place that has it- you have no choice. Besides short changing me on a 'raise' and creating shift bids (which ironically changed my crappy hours into even crappier hours- 3 to midnight), they have done nothing for me. I feel cheated. Of course maybe if I had been there for 10 years I'd've gotten a big fatty raise and super great hours....

I may also not be as cranky if I weren't sporting shoes that feel 2 sizes too small due to swelling in my pregnancy.

Anyway that complaint is for another day. I'm fighting with the disability people currently. Apparently a DR's note is not enough to for them to follow. Never mind he has years and years of schooling, makes a crap ton of money for what he knows and does, and has been practicing for a ridiculous amount of time with hundreds upon hundreds of ladies in my condition. They have to undermine his authority over my health. It has been a pain with them to reduce my hours per my DR's request (they denied it) and certainly not enough to get me off of work when I clearly have problems. Am I the worst pregnant lady on the block? By all means, no. But that doesn't mean I want to strain myself and stress myself out until I AM the worst pregnant lady on the block. I have #1 to take care of. That would be me, as I'm the sole provider for my baby's well being while he's baking in my oven. So that company can- well I'll save it for if they decide to deny me again. No need to get my blood pressure up thinking about them.

Of course now it's off to get ready for work. I really do like my job... I just don't like the stress. I guess no one likes stress...

ps I know I'd've isn't proper grammar, but it sure does make an awesome contraction, right?

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Work, Pregnancy, and Heat

It really doesn't matter what order you put those words in, they don't go together at all. 6 weeks left (give or take, hopefully take) till I can meet my little guy. The anticipation is growing. Every little cramp I'm asking if it's going to get worse so I can begin the process of having this baby... Obviously I'm still giant with no baby in tow. Ugh I need to get some tums- brb.

Okay I'm back. Gotta love heartburn. At least I didn't wake up choking on my stomach acid (I sleep practically sitting up). I have tropical flavor store brand tums and I don't like the red ones.

ANYWAY I'm really po'd at my work... I've debated if I'm mad enough to complain over the Internet about them. After all, complaining via blog IS my forte. It's not slander if it's the truth, right? My daughter, who just turned 8 yesterday (Happy Birthday Gwynnie!), told me if I don't like it to just quit. Oh, honey, if only it were that easy.

I'm trying to teach her (and all the kids) responsibility. Like pick up your charger that the cat keeps chewing on... "oh yeah mom I will" Well she didn't and the cat chewed a little hole in it. I have picked it up (okay, Kirby did cuz I can't really bend down) and "put it away" where the cat can't shock himself. He is old after all... We'll see how long it takes her to ask for it when the electronic is dead. Lets see if I remembered where I put it away, too. She lost her DS, also. I don't even know how many times I've wasted breath telling her to put it away in her puppy purse in her dresser drawer... She asked me yesterday if I was looking for it. Um, it's your DS, you should look for it.

She is about as scatterbrained as I am when it comes to stuff (I've learned my lesson enough times; I haven't locked my keys in my car for a few years, for example). Maybe someday she'll get it.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

August 2001

Almost 9 years ago I wrote a poem. I've had the same email for probably 11 years. I apparently made a "saved letters" folder with email that for whatever reason meant a lot to me. I found this poem I wrote, no title, saved to myself on August 20, 2001. I found it interesting and thought I would share with the world. I wonder what struggles were going on in my life that fall almost 9 years ago?

The back of my head aches,

from the pounding of your shoes.

I can't stop thinking of you.

You're driving me into a whirlwind of confusion.

The way you constantly play in my mind,

conceiving a forbidden love.

The love that only comes once in a life.

Soul partners,

separated by conviction.

Lovers longing for another,

apart by integrity for one another.

Lonesome hearts broken from the pitiful restrain.

Many hearts have been hardened by the refrain.

She loves him,

and he,


but infidelity is only one lustful touch away.

Excitement and visions chase me.

Energy curls around my body,

delicately caressing the sweetness of my skin.

I helplessly gaze on in my mind,

watching his body tense up when he sees me.

His soft curves.

We know what me must do.

We know our obligations.

So we must part,

like the summer sun leaves a scorching day.

Like the warmth of the night cools.

A still lit candles' burning fades,

but our secret,

untouched innocent love will not.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Okay- not quite a month later

yeah... it's been a while; I promised myself last blog I wouldn't let so much time pass w/o visiting.

I'm still pregnant. It's hard to get on the computer. Not because I don't have time, but because of my new found largeness has prevented me from lap topping it comfortably. I seem to be of a kind of lazy that all I want to do is lay and get my feet up. If only I had some bon bon's!

I now weigh 170 lbs! Yikes!! That is as much as my sexy husband. I don't have quite the physique. I suppose that is a good thing.

Lets see- It's hard work helping create life inside me. I have to change my clothes quite often. I don't know how, but things always manage to spill on myself. I ate the other day with the napkin tucked in my shirt like a lobster bib and of course where do I spill food??? Right on the edge! Never mind half the stuff is below the horizon where I can't see until I walk in front of a mirror! I happen to be a little clumsy and absent minded. My toes needed painted. I don't tie my shoes anymore. In fact, that barefoot and pregnant saying sounds awful good about now. Oh and why do the mosquitoes always want to bite my feet where I can't reach?

Of course I have my normal ailments, heartburn, swelling, tired, hormonal... Still having random cravings... but those are all boring compared to my subconscious ways of finding snacks for later (i.e. spilling food on myself all the time)

Monday, June 14, 2010

never posted

I tried like 3 times the last couple weeks to post a blog, but apparently it never posted... I don't have time to make an interesting one with little diddies of all the air headed things I do. Sorry I haven't been keeping up. I am losing my lap and since I put lappie on my lap I find it difficult to be on here as much as I used to.
So I tried to sign up with my blackberry, but obviously with my lack of blogs you can see how that's turned out so far... I'll have to keep trying.

I'm in the 3rd trimester and I am a mini giant. I can't wait to see the baby!! He still tickles sometimes, but is definitely getting stronger. I seriously need a latte, but it's so late I know I'll be paying for it later... ugh.

Well I've got to get off of here and put my little sausage rolls up. Er I mean my piggies.

Monday, April 19, 2010


There are several things on my mind tonight. Many touchy... I pondered blogging at all because of certain eyes I know that view my blog or may communicate about my blog. They may have issues with me stepping on their toes. But you know what? My toes have been stepped on.

I don't usually go out and blog to hurt people's feelings- actually that has never been my intention. Though it's happened before. This is an online diary, open to the public. It's just me displaying parts of me to the world- or at least a very small portion (whoever bother's to read)- when I feel the desire.

So this blog, I'm sorry, is going to probably remain pretty vague in specific detail. If you can pull something out of it, then great! I can't say what I really want to say, but I think I can say enough to get it out of my system.

Someone made the pregnant lady cry. That would be me that was shedding tears. I knew at some point I would have to deal with these feelings I have inside of me now because I know the subject of the matter. It's been heavy on my mind for months. I can't blame myself for being overly hormonal and crying out.

The thing is- I'm non-confrontational for the most part, when it comes down to it I have been known to "instigate" and do what needs to be done. Say what I need to say and deal with it. There is just one confrontation I haven't figured how to deal with. Something needs to be said, but how do I say it? On top of that I've allowed it to go on so long in my life, that wouldn't it be kind of imprudent for me to bother with it now?

Should I continue to bite my tongue and let things be? Why?? I won't see an improvement sitting idle. I have to deal with questions from certain people. What would anyone have to gain from me holding back, besides that I won't upset someone?

If someone has a problem we need to know we have a problem before we'll try to improve, right? I know what I need to say will fall on deaf ears. I know the subject and the subject matter. I know it because the stubbornness. I've seen the cycle. I've been the one hurting and I've seen others hurting. I've seen the subject hurting.

The unwillingness to admit that sometimes we're wrong. That pride gets in the way. I know because I hate to think of myself as being wrong, but I know I have been. It is a hard pill to swallow. Especially when we feel we're the ones that have been wronged. When we think we're the victim.

We can't always be the victim! We are not ALWAYS right. We can't rely on others for our happiness. We can't rely on things to make us happy. We shouldn't try to escape our reality and shut ourselves from the world! There are cold days, but not every day is a cold day. We all have bad days and carry our little storm cloud. Not everyone does everything intentionally to hurt us. Sometimes we hurt people and don't even know it. Sometimes doing what needs to be done will hurt those around us, but it still has to get done. We all have to realize that.

There is a point where we have to take responsibility for this life and all that goes with it. Sometimes we have to "be the bigger person" when we don't want to be. We have to be the better person when we shouldn't. We have to say we're sorry when we know we have no reason to apologize. We have to agree to disagree. Hug those that hurt us and try to rebuild those relationships. Forgive when we don't want to. We can't allow what other people do and say to infect our souls.

We need to make a choice, a decision, to not dwell on our transgressors and the transgressions against us. Let's not let things blow out of proportion. Lets not over think our aches and pain. Let's not let that pain grow and fever. Everyone has a moment of weakness. Let's not allow other's weakness interfere with our happiness.

But for our pride and our stubbornness- would one risk losing the ones we love? Families are close nit. Families fight probably more than strangers. We know each other the best. We hurt each other the worst, but as a family we have to get over it. We have to forgive, even if we don't feel the other person deserves it. We need to strive to forget. Rebuild those relationships, be the one to open the door first.

Put away our crutches and open our hearts. Love unconditionally. Love when it's hard. Allow those that hurt us to love us. Let the ones that we feel wronged us try to make it right. Allow things that happened in the past stay in the past. Look to the future. See the good, look for it, ask for it.

Thursday, April 15, 2010


Not that I have hyped it up here, but I did on my face book. Boy or Girl? Girl or Boy? Little Mr or Little Miss?

I know some people like to wait, but I am not a very patient person. If I don't have to go through the anticipation inquiring minds want to know!

I want to know what theme to pick out, what clothes to look at, and to imagine my future.

Now, thanks to technology and a baby that isn't shy- I can imagine my future. Of course I was in love with this baby before I knew what the sex was. I alternated between he and she and sometimes "it." I wondered if I felt dancing moves or karate kicks (not to insinuate that either are gender specific).

SOoo... I had to get a couple things at the store. It was exciting to be able to browse through outfits sleepers, shoes, and things that were not gender neutral. I of course, found the most adorable little outfit ever! I got it. I had my purchases and was at the check out and realized I didn't have my debit card. I told they guy before he rang me up. I asked if he wanted me to put the stuff away. Then I told him never mind because I would get my card and come back. He made a joke about needing toilet paper (that was on my list). I was like "yah gotta have the tp." THEN I realized that I had my check book. The lady in front of me was laughing. So I had to explain myself- I'm sure that went over well. "I"m pregnant and my head is not screwed on right...." I'm sure my face was red, but I'm sure it just looked like a glow.

In the mean time, I guess I shouldn't leave you hanging- so what suggestions do you have for a theme? dinosaurs? jungle animals? airplanes (I thought that was interesting)? Computer/geek? I'm open for suggestions. No Winnie the Pooh, not interested in "sports" either. LOL. All I gotta say is I told Kirby if he gave me a boy he'd better be a Chinese/Asian boy. They are so darned cute! Think he will hold up on his end of the bargain?

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Absentminded- what??

"They" say absentmindedness is a part of pregnancy. I wonder if that includes putting salt, pepper, cooking oil, and cereal in the fridge (not in the same day)? Or maybe it is like the time a week ago I put salad in the kitchen drawer... Or when I had the salt shaker in my hand and turned the knob of a door and dumped it all over the floor. Maybe it was when I was pouring sugar in a measuring cup and accidentally dumped half the container out... Or maybe it was when I meant to eat my cereal, but ate the kid's insead. Do you see a trend? It all has to do with food.

I discovered the same hormones that cause the beautiful pregnant glow- also increases oil production in your skin and that can cause acne. I don't have a glow- I have a shine. A bumpy shine, to be specific.

Well besides feeling a little larger for what I think I should be (19 weeks today) for the most part I'm feeling great (as far as being pregnant can make you feel). The baby is moving and bouncing a lot lately that I can feel. Kirby loves to kiss my belly, rub it, and feel baby move, too. It's so great.

This week we will find out if it's a little missus or mister. What do you think it is going to be??? Well I'm hungry. Lets hope I can leave the kitchen in one piece this time.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

NLP ruined my day

That would be the fort's very own Next Level Productions- which is a giant bowl of ca ca. I had an interview with them last summer when I was job hunting. The way the guy explained the business was they are a marketing company and he named off a few businesses that he worked with. I was under the impression they helped market the local businesses. ya know- cuz he said they were a marketing company.

I honestly thought they helped design logos, slogans, or push products- such as negotiating with local Wal-Mart for shelf space... that type of thing.

I didn't get the customer service job I had anticipated last summer. Well that was okay because I am working for another company that has their faults, but all in all are a pretty good company. With that said I found an opening online and submitted my resume into the company. Nothing against my current business, but I thought I would have more opportunity, etc. It was for a "Public Relations Leader" for customer service...

Specifically (and I am copy and pasting this right from the email I rec'd)

"NLP assists large companies in the Consumer Products and Sports industries with high end marketing promotions. We are looking to fill key job openings throughout both industries at various levels with training starting at entry-level.

If you are interested in Management, Marketing, Public Relations, and working in the highly competitive Marketing Industry, this is the job for you! Requirements JOB REQUIREMENTS


  • Candidates Must work well under pressure in a extremely fast paced environment
  • Possess Excellent Customer Service Skills
  • Self Motivation A Must
  • Candidates Must Possess Excellent Communication, Organizational and Interpersonal Skills"
So sounds pretty good, but at the same time very vague. So I go for another interview and I get the same impression from the manager about the company. He is looking for someone to work in public relations/customer service. I would at times go to local businesses to make presentations of NLP's services. Okay- so I'm thinking I go to businesses and tell them what we do and how we can help market their products or boost their services... Right.

He gave me an average pay range and offered to allow me to do a working interview. Basically shadow someone for a day to get to know the ins and outs of the business and see if it's going to be a good fit.

WELL, WELL, well.

If he had said- 'we sell junk out of the trunks of our cars and you're going to hang out with a guy that smokes 2 packs of cigarettes a day and doesn't stop for lunch. This foul mouthed associate will show you that we cold call on hair salons, vfw's, bars, and any other run down little mom and pop shop barely making it to solicit our wares- such as crappy light up bunny ears, cheap bbq sets, and bedsheets. Oh your pay is commission ONLY...' I think I would have known right then that the job wouldn't be for me. Not at all the impression he had given me.

My day sucked, ROYALLY. I know the working interview was to help me make an educated decision, and while I appreciate they at least let people see what they're getting themselves into- had he not been deceptive in the interview and what the company actually does I would have known without wasting my entire day that I didn't want to do it.

The thing is- we prospected in Peru, IN- about an friggin hour away. Really- for a working interview we could have prospected a couple places in our local area. THEN if I wanted to move onto where they really wanted to go I could.... or I could decline and not waste 9 hours of my life.

I would never EVER sell cheap Dale Earnhardt Jr sunglasses, crappy dancing bunnies, fish candles, sets or ANY of the sh*t he had to offer. I certainly wouldn't pester people that are trying to make an honest living. I felt like a dirty peddler.

Furthermore- I won't even go into the fact how horrible it was for me to be pregnant and not eat or drink all day. I asked lots of people to pray for the health of this baby because I was inhaling sooo much smoke. I can tolerate a cigarette or two. But I don't think I had a breath of fresh air today. My eyes are still burning and red and my nose- I shoved Vaseline up it to help with the dryness, but I can't get the smokey smell out of my nostrils.

Don't get me wrong- I have some family and friends that are smokers... I honestly think that most of them are respectful of non-smokers and preggies- but this guy has a serious chain smoking problem and doesn't care for anyone, but himself. I can't even think of all the blatant lies he told people. Sometimes his lies (about products, what he's selling, pricing, etc) were so on top of each other he contradicted himself. ugh.

Glad this day is over and you're probably glad I'm done blogging about it.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010


So I totally had a couple airhead moments at work. But I really can't say what I did because when I first wrote it down it wasn't funny. Don't you hate that? It's like when you have an awesome dream and when you start to tell someone you find out that it really isn't that awesome when you put it into words.

My brain is awesome. I wish we could record some of the stuff that goes through it. Do you ever think in pictures? I do.

I'm feeling great. I've had some crampy stuff, but over all we are still good. I think I'm getting bigger. I "feel" it. I keep thinking- I can't get much bigger, right? Then I remember that I have like 6 1/2 more months of this.

I really like mashed potatoes.

I had a company that wanted to interview me and after some good face book advice (I thought who would hire a pregnant lady? I know companies can't not hire me because of discrimination, but with that said who is going to hire someone that is only going to be there a few months and then be off for a month and a half?) I decided to call them back and schedule it.

Well turns out that I did interview with them... One of the 16 plus places I interviewed with over the summer. She said she would look into it and get back with me... I'm still waiting. poo on them.

I had another company that wanted to interview me and I called them and they said they can only do them tomorrow. Well I'm kind of working tomorrow and that place is a stickler for attendance (so I can't miss work). Of course if I knew I had the job I wouldn't worry. So what to do? Risk my current job for something else I don't even know? I would like to take the risk, but at the same time I don't think I can handle the risk if the consequences are dire. By "dire" I mean fire-d.

Thursday, March 11, 2010


ugh- I am feeling more hormonal than I have since last time I was hormonal. I read some stupid forward email my grandma sent me. It made me cry. I'm sitting here sniffling at this silly email and my kids are going to be home from school any minute. They'll probably think I'm a nut. That is if they don't already. I'm sure this pregnancy will do it for them. I can't believe you just said that!

Anyway the best news- Kirby and I got to hear our baby's heartbeat. It was awesome. I love it. Not that there were ever any doubts about being pregnant, but it's comforting to hear it and know it's there. I've been feeling the baby move here and there, fluttering around in my belly. Now if only I can stop the horrible stomachaches and cramping things will be perfect! I guess that's not too bad, I could always have some other grievance. Knowing me I'm sure I would. I find that I tend to complain a lot. I am working on it tho!

That is why I decided not to blog what I originally wanted to. I'm really peeved at my controlling boss man... I was going to give him an earful- through my blog of course, but I won't let that controller ruin my good day (so I'll let him off the blook)!

Blook was short for blog hook.

Gwyn has a 2ND grade concert thingie and I'm really looking forward to it. I know she's been excited. As soon as homework is finished I'm going to fix her hair up. She wants me to straighten it.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

"The List"

Kirby said the other day I should just make him a list of everything I've been craving- since it varies from day to day... Hmm where to start? I'll mark the stuff I have gotten with a :), but that doesn't mean I wouldn't want a replay.

chicken strip basket from DQ (with the Texas toast and gravy)- :)
Mashed potatoes and gravy - real ones. :)
thin mints :)
pickles :)
crackers- like cheese its
enchiladas :)
chalupa from taco bell :)
shrimp :)
sauteed mushrooms :)
macaroni and cheese :)
three cheese chicken penne from applebees
sand which with tomato, emphasis on the tomato any kind of sandwich :)
lunch meat sandwich- like turkey, lettuce, tomato, mayo or mustard
bread sticks :)
strawberry cake with strawberry icing
Crab Rangoon
Chinese :)
"something hearty"
Kirby's home made yogurt- minus the fruit chunks
cool whip :) (I had it with my jello)
pumpkin pie
jello :)
corn dog
McDonald's breakfast

That is all I can think of for now that has been on my mind. Yeah I'll eat pretty much anything if it sounds good at the moment. I'm sure there will be more. Listing all that kind of made me hungry.

Here are some stuff that I DON'T want.

"my usual's"
ground beef- like all mushed
hamburger helper
the bottom of lasagna (where the ground beef usually is)
pizza with hamburger
sloppy joes
dirty rice

Thursday, February 25, 2010


ugh. I sit here. I want to blog, but even my regular word vomit doesn't want to spill out. It's like I have so much to say, but nothing really comes out. Not even my pointless blabber.

I'm feeling a little pointless recently. I want some Taco Bell. My Chaluuupa!

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Twenty –three years

This is very personal from Joe, but every time I read it, it moves me. Really makes you think. Thank you Joe for giving me permission to share these personal feelings of yours on my blog.

Twenty –three years: nearly a quarter of a century comes to end with a few scratches of a pen; possibly a question from the judge; maybe the banging of a gavel. It’s over, just like that. A new chapter, perhaps even a new book starts with a new title for the main character: Respondent. Just like that, I cease to be lover, companion, husband and spouse even Joe, Honey or Dear. Well, there is another title but I am not so proud of that one: ex. That carries a connotation of failure and I am a stranger to failure. The one title that doesn’t change, however, is that of parent, father, dad and even daddy when the need arises, although I prefer pops or poppa.

Twenty-three years: over and done with. It’s now you and me. I could humanize you and reveal your name but as long as I refer to you as You, She and Her, it’s not personal. That’s how we ended it you realize: nothing personal just business; negotiations over the phone; taking notes; more compromise during those last few days than the last 5 years.

Twenty-three years; more than half my life with the same someone; there’s no more us or ours; simply yours, mine; mostly yours now. It didn’t just end because my socks were always in the middle of the floor—they weren’t—or because you didn’t cook dinner—you didn’t, I did. Somewhere along the way, the look that could cause my heart to skip a beat turned into one that could crack granite and freeze water. Somewhere along the way the times I couldn’t breathe because you took my breath away with a kiss or entered the room turned into I couldn’t breathe because you made me so angry and I had to hold my tongue because I could only spew hate and venom. Somewhere along the way the lips I longed to kiss and dreamed of whenever I was away ceased to say things that were sweet and charming and began to utter words that were bitter, and angry; that hurt and cut my feelings to the core.

Twenty-three years: over and done with. I can’t pinpoint one moment in time where it went wrong but if I choose, I can divulge several moments where I consciously decided I was done begging for your affection; I was done trying to forgive you; I was done worrying about what made you happy. When I began to care more for not making you angry than making you happy, I knew things had changed. Some line had been crossed and I don’t even know where or when it was crossed. I don’t even have to try to recall moments when I realized you quit trying to make our house a home; moments when I ceased to be your husband and became your indentured servant; moments when I realized I was no longer a partner to fulfill a mutual dream and just a direct deposit so you could maintain your standard of living.

Twenty-three years: brought to a conclusion neither one of us ever envisioned nearly a quarter century ago. We didn’t forgive. We didn’t forget. We chose I and me over Us. We quit. We quit each other. And quitters never win.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Be Careful What You Ask For

Before you read this blog, please keep in mind I am not the author. You may be able to tell that by the eloquent writing because you know I just tend to word splatter whatever is on my mind. This is actually written by my very own Uncle. I've read several letters and tid bits that are blog worthy and a couple of his friends and I persisted he write something. With his permission I post this first one for you, from Joe:

You’ve asked me to Blog. Whatever for? The things that I say are my own. I don’t expect you or anyone else for that matter to give so much as inkling that you for at some moment in time really care about what I have to say. I choose to express myself because I have something to say.

I don’t want to convince you of anything; I have nothing to sell; the only thing I offer up is a bit of me. I’m not here for your entertainment. Quite frankly, I’m not so certain that I even care if you are moved to action or indifference. Your acceptance or rejection of what I convey isn’t going to put bread on my table or milk in my refrigerator.

If I choose of my own free will to do this, I will be sacrificing a piece of me with each and every word. I am not capable of putting words to paper or screen as the case may be without pouring myself into the page or onto the screen. In essence, I give birth to these thoughts and ideas that you find so moving. I am giving you a piece of me that I can never take back. I put myself at your mercy and wait for your judgment but I don’t need your approval.

This is all about words; the conveyance of ideas. We’ve all been given the same 26 letters to build, shape and convey our words, thoughts, and even our fears. It’s how we choose to arrange those letters that have the power to move our hearts in sorrow stir our bodies to action or elevate our spirits in thanksgiving or gratitude. Perhaps that is what you seek; someone who can reach out through time and space and slap your brain from its slumber and awaken it to the great possibilities that exist.

You perceive that I have this mastery over 26 insignificant little symbols and the combinations in which I choose to arrange them. You are moved. You find significance in how I have chosen to build my world and convey my thoughts. These ideas exist only in space. There’s really no substance there; nothing tangible to wrap you hands around; nothing to taste, feel or admire. Yet, possibly you find comfort in the thought that you are not alone and another feels the same way as you. Then again perhaps you feel superior because my thoughts are different, they fail to touch you and you are comfortable with the way you currently think and feel,

I understand that words are powerful. They can be used to incite the masses to rebellion or calm a terrified nation in times of crisis. If I could, I would choose to challenge you; arouse you and even awaken you to look within yourself and determine why you are enchanted with the architecture of my ideas and to build your own.