Saturday, April 29, 2017

over 20 years ago....

To clarify it says:

"from the deep pits
of agony I do stare
into the face of space
There is no one there when
I call.
I fel a yearning to be held and
really loved.
But i'm only 16!  Too young.
Why do I have to wait?
Because there is none
to be for real at this age.
to feel the things and have the laughter of
my youth
I am captive and stuck in
the boundaries of my own paper.
With the scrawel of my pen I can
be the most joyous or the most
of nothing but the
period on my paper."

I can tell by my penmanship how hurting I really was.  Years later, I still remember feeling desolate and lonely, not having a soul in the world to talk to.  I thought I was too much for anyone to understand...

Next time you ask how your child's day was, remember there is probably more going on they aren't telling you.  My older kids are teenagers.  They drive me crazy, but they are real people, sorting out real feelings, dealing with real loves and losses I probably don't even know about.  Maybe next time when talking to a teenager don't push them off as self-centered, typical teenager, but as a person who thinks and feels just as deep as you.

Friday, April 28, 2017


The radiant sun licks the ground and delights my eyes in ways my mind can't possibly describe.

Friday, April 21, 2017


I had an epiphany today.  ...  So remember yesterday how I blogged about how I'm not as nice as I try to think I am?  Of course not because at this writing I can tell you that I have had 0 views. Anyway- today someone came into work and I received an email from a co-worker with a snarky comment about them.  Of course I laughed out loud and made a response back.

This actually wasn't very nice- and I know it wasn't nice, but I did it anyway.  

Something no one probably knows about me but now you do: in the afternoons on the way home I always say a small prayer.  I thank God for the day, for my job, thinking about my kids at school, my mom, my brother, whatever is on my mind, etc.    

So today I stop in mid-prayer because in all honesty- I just transgressed horribly on someone moments before and they don't even know!  So why do I think I deserve to talk to Him after what I did?  I'm completely flawed.  My sins aren't "serious" offenses.  I'm not murdering people, robbing banks, or anything the like... But I claim to be a Christian and therefore I should be held at a higher standard and more accountable of my actions.  

What I did (as a Christian) by gossiping about someone (to a non-Christian)- what kind of message did I just give?  That this behavior is OK?  Because it's not.  That is not the kind of Christian I want to be, nor the kind of person I want to be. My sin may be "small" but it can infect people with horrible repercussions.

So I don't deserve to be able to pray to a God that loves me.  But then I got to thinking that God loves me just the way I am- flaws and all.  Flaws (sins) and all.... So I'm like how can He?

Then one of my children popped into my head and I remembered a particularly bad decision they made that really hurt me- crushed me, actually.  But I still love them.  I love them no matter what.  I love them even if they make more bad choices (and they will) and if they hurt me again (and they might). Or if they pull away from me, or were to confess they don't love me.  I would love them anyway, just the way they are.  I would listen to them if they wanted to come and talk- even if they made a bad choice minutes before our conversation.

So, there is that. 

I think the guilt today was brought to my attention so I can work on fixing the problem.  I'm sure no matter what I do God loves me and I can only strive to do better when I KNOW I'm doing wrong.  Will I make more mistakes?  Yeah, I'm sure I will and I'd like to think, "not on purpose."

Thursday, April 20, 2017


I've been trying to "observe" myself this week.  Taking a look at your inner self and not lying to yourself is actually a really hard thing to do.  I tell myself all the time I'm a "good" person and I justify some of my actions by this thought.

But when it comes down to it, I'm not a good person.

I overlook my flaws and occasionally they're pointed out by someone- raw and bleeding in the open, exposed for the dirty little things they are.

So yeah.  At least I'm not a raving jerk (outwardly).  But.... I do still have a lot of growing up to do.  I guess that never really ends- does it?

ps- I don't think any amount of growing up will make me a better morning person.  It will just never happen.

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Choosing Your Happiness

Yesterday I read a FB post from a friend basically about choosing your happiness.  Choosing to let things get to you or not.  Taking control because YOU have control of your happiness.

He's right.... but only to an extent.

Bad circumstances happen and natural negative emotions will over come you.

I guess that's what happened to me.  This person is young- and has not yet discovered the true trials of parenthood or adulthood.  Though not to diminish their own experiences- I'm glad he was able to overcome some of his trials.

Maybe I should take a lesson out of his book?


So I read a blog today,  It's obviously different than this.  It is actually kind of enlightening.   A personal walk on the journey of faith, figuring how to love like Jesus, surrendering yourself to God while still being very human and real.

I know I've been full of melancholy these last few months, but I'm being real.  

I have a lonely keening pain I carry deep inside.  I think I'm the problem.

I want a friend, but I'm too shy.  I'm too introverted.  I'm too awkward.  I regret opening up to people the instant I do.  I wish I could erase my conversations.  I say the wrong thing, it gets taken the wrong way, or I'm opening up to wrong people. I analyze everything.  I look for flaws and wonder if I come off in a different way than I mean.  It always feels wrong.

I want SO bad to call up the people I used to. 

Enough people like me, but no one likes me enough. 

They (I'm not sure who "they" are) say you marry your best friend, but I don't think that's true or else I wouldn't feel like something is so terribly empty in my life.  

Don't get me wrong- My husband IS a candle in my darkness.  He pulls me up when I'm about to slip under and he doesn't even know it. He knows I need affirmation and he pours it on heavy and sticky. Sometimes it annoys me because I want to wallow in self pity.  He knows I need love and patience and kindness and he overwhelms me with it.  For all the times I feel unworthy he tells me I am worth it.  For all the days I don't want to go into public to be seen he tells me how beautiful I am.  He has listened to me intensely as I complain and cry over all the incredible pain I'm in.  He can't fix the things out of my control, but he's there to just be there.  So- shout out, high five, or whatever grand gesture you think of goes to him.  I don't always think I deserve him, but he seems to think I do.  :)

Monday, April 3, 2017


I'm sitting on the outside looking in.

I want to be the smiling person at the table, loving life, laughing.  Oh to laugh.  I don't even remember the last time I truly laughed.  You took a video of me once.  You commented on how giggly I am and how I'm always smiling.   But where is that smile now?

Maybe look under your shoe before you scrape it off.  Maybe you SHOULD bother to check to see what remnants of the forgotten joy you have soiled by stepping on it.

I'm just so tired of being the only one trying.  I'm tired of being the only one with any sense.  I'm so tired of caring.  In fact, I think I'm going to learn to shut that off.