Sunday, December 12, 2010

I love you, Dad

Kirby and I have been watching Dead Like Me. It is actually a pretty good series with comedy that touches on really hard topics dealing with death, the meaning, why it has to happen, and why that person??

My dad was my mom's rock, her love, her soul mate. I can't even fathom in my mind how it feels for her, no matter how "prepared" you try to make your mind.

I wasn't particularly close to my dad, but I think these last few years we had developed a mutual understanding of each other. I don't remember telling him specifically that I loved him, but I hope he knew it. I wasn't really a daddy's girl... In fact, most of my childhood I was angry he wasn't there. I wanted to know what it was like to have a dad around, but even when I was reunited and had the opportunity- I didn't jump into it. I was happy just knowing that I was part of the reason he moved 2000 miles closer.

I still have every letter, birthday card, and Christmas card I have ever gotten. I know he loved me. I know he was proud of me, even if he didn't say it aloud. Conversations didn't flow like milk and honey all the time, but that was okay. I didn't feel I had much in common, but I was happy to get to know him better. I was excited to see him at family events and that my children got to know him, even though he was often too weak to rough house and play.

Ironically what I've been thinking most about all day was my blog. When I got into a blog drama a couple years ago he got interested in them. Not for the drama, but because of me. He didn't know I liked to blog and looked forward to reading them. I never outright told him, but I knew he liked my blogs so I opened up more than normal to let him in. I liked that he read them. It made me feel special.

I know this is selfish, but I keep thinking I should have blogged more for him and now I feel this little empty hole that he won't be able to read them. It was like my special connection. I should have put more effort into it for him.

I always read and hear people saying to tell people you love them now because you never know, blah, blah, blah, but I never think it's me. How cliche because now I'm passing that message along. Funny, I used to call for my mom and always thought I should talk to him more and I just didn't a whole lot. My dad was the quiet one. He didn't complain and he certainly wasn't a chatter box like myself.

My mom says I have his smile. I think my brother looks a lot like him, though.

Now my focus must avert to my mother. If it's hard on me and my brother I know it's going to be rough on her. I'm worried for her. I love my mom so much and I don't want her hurting. It took her a long time to get to where she was- to find her happiness. We went through a lot growing up and she deserved to be happy once she and my dad rekindled their fire. I wish this was just "another scare" and he could be back with her so her pain could ease.

Lastly, I prayed for my dad (and my mom) every day for months and months for their salvation. I don't know where he stood or how religious he was. I don't know his beliefs and I resolved to myself to ask when he was conscious in the hospital. I never got that chance and now I don't know for sure. He was a good man. I know what the bible says. It doesn't matter if you're a good man or not (and that is so confusing). John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life"


snooks36 said...

I am so very very sorry. We (at the aol eBay Chat Room) that knew him, have been asking everyone why we hadn't seen any posts from him. I have such great memories of his posts, and all the fun we on the chat had when that particular chat board was really busy. It isn't so much anymore, but a few of us still hang in there and we have been concerned. I just posted that I had read your blog and gave them the very very sad news. I have tears streaming down my face, because he helped me (along with all the eBay aol chat people) when I lost my husband of 53 years. Please give your mother a hug either in person or via cyber space from me.
I for one, and I know many others that would say the same thing, we learned a lot from Rob! He loved to "push" our buttons, and id it often, but we loved that about him. When he wouldn't post for a while, I always knew he was lurking and KNEW every move we made, so I learned Exactly how to drag him out of the rafters to make him post. LOL Worked almost every time I did it! Ok I am not a good writer and I am rambling, so I will stop now. You can contact me via my ebay id, snooks36 if you should chose to.
Thank YOU for SHARING your father with me and all others on the eBay AOL chat board!!!!!!!!

snooks36 said...

I am not sure I did all this correctly. I sure hope so.

Spaghetti Fields said...

I'm very sorry you had to read about my dad through my blog. I don't know how computer savvy my mom is, but I know my dad liked to surf the net and do his stuff. They had very slow service (they live out in the sticks) and just recently she got better service so the computer would be faster for him. We have not put in an obit or anything like that. The entire situation is very unconventional... We are probably going to do some kinds of informal memorial for him. I will then call the local newspaper. Just because he wasn't able to be outgoing doesn't mean he should be forgotten!

♥M♥Smith♥ said...

I too met your Dad in the eBay aol chat room. He was a wonderful man that really made me think when he did post. It saddens me to think that I won't see his posts now when I lurk in the chat room. Sending my condolences to you & your mom. I know many will truly miss him. ((((((hugs)))) TurtlesWorld2001 in eBay chat

Museum of Bus Transportation said...

He definitely wasn't forgotten - as Kay said, we in the AOL Chat on eBay have been missing him -- go there and you can see all the posts. May he rest in peace. Sharon