long lost

Have you ever known about someone who might be close to you, but they haven’t even heard of you?  Yeah, that.   

I think of all the things I have missed.  I wish I could be a part of their life; I wish things had gone differently.   I wish I hadn’t missed out on so much already….

I never had the opportunity to dote on you like others have.  I would be so proud.  Yet you don’t even know that I exist so you don’t even care, probably.

It is kind of odd, isn’t it?  Knowing I know about you, but you don’t know about me.  Or maybe you do and I don’t know you know?  But circumstances tell me you don’t.

You’re a curious light during some dark times.  I can dwell on you when my world is closing in on me.  Since I don’t know you I can imagine you any way I want.  You’re like Schrödinger’s cat.  Who’s to say you’re not like I imagine?  Who’s to say that if you knew about me you wouldn’t want to meet me, too?

But, ah… life has taken us down different paths and maybe someday the barriers will go down and our paths will cross.  Maybe someday I can make an update to this post tell the world we finally met. 

Sidelines

My sweet, shy child.  He’s an adult, doing adult things.  Sometimes I think I forget he’s not my quiet introverted boy, but a grown man finishing up his childhood.  He’s getting ready to go into this wide, cruel world.  I wish I could hold his hand and he would take my wise advice, but alas- he insists through his actions that he’s going to just have to figure some (perhaps a lot) stuff out on his own.

I can almost see the anxiety cross his face when it comes to talking to people.  I think he’d prefer no one notice him and at the same time I know he craves attention and needs affirmation.  I think he does things “out of the ordinary” to stand out and sometimes this isolates him deeper.  I don’t know if he’s being himself or following some crowd.  Whatever his deal is or why he does the stuff he does- I’m standing on the sidelines cheering him on willing my positive vibes to soak into his soul.  I hope he knows he can be himself!

There was a time when I thought this young man, despite his reserved personality, wouldn’t have let Heaven move Earth if he put his mind to it.  He was set in his ways, assured me of his decisions.  He was so adamant on what he thought of certain things it broke my heart when I found out this was not the case.  Was he manipulative or manipulated?  I don’t think so.  Curious?  Maybe.  I may never know.

I do know it is particularly hard on me seeing him struggle though his decisions.  I hope he knows I’m not upset with the bad ones.  I, myself, have made a few bad ones….  I hope to see him learn from each one and do better.  It is my wish more than anything to have my own children be better than my own self.     

Coping... (this is more of a rant, so feel free to skip ahead)

I’m making an observation.  Our youth in general have a problem. Coping.  If things aren’t going the way they anticipate- they don’t know how to deal with it. They lack the skills needed to cope.

As a parent of teenagers and young adults- where did I miss the mark in teaching my own offspring this very valuable life lesson?  I try to think back to when they were younger.  Did I coddle them too much?  Did I not give them the chance to suffer the consequences of their poor choices?  Did I tell them that even when they lose they’re still a winner?  And if I did these things- was it taken out of context?

I see an inability to cope in very normal hardships.  For example: struggling in a relationship and they want pills because they can't deal with it or can’t sleep and they want an aide to help them.  I give them my input and advise based on my very similar life experiences and yet it is thrown to the way-side (because I “don’t understand” what they’re going through). 

I really want to say, “Hey! I DO know what I’m talking about! Just amuse me and *try* my advice for a week or two and see if it works or not.”  Sometimes I want to just smack some sense into people, but I know that is not possible (I promise, I have not actually tried).

So... as a floundering whatever I am to these people what can I do?

For example, how do I help them understand that if a relationship is sour and you are about to go through a break up you’re going to be sad?  You may cry and your heart will hurt and you will be depressed for a while... and that is actually very completely normal, even expected.  Many people have been there, and it’s OK.  You’ll pick up the pieces and learn and be a better person from your experience.

How do I help them understand that having a bad day, or 3, or even a week (ugh month!?) is perfectly normal?  Everyone has bad days.  But it’s okay because it won’t be like this forever.  I know because I’ve been there. 

How do I help them understand happiness is not up to the people around you, but for you to take charge of it?  

How do I help them understand they have more power over their situations than they realize?  You can decide if you’re going to dwell on the bad things or dwell on the good things.  You can be thankful for what you have or envious of what you don’t have.  You have the power to like things other people don’t like (and vise versa) and know it’s OK!  You have the power to agree to disagree and move forward.  You have the power to put your energy and time into alienating yourself, putting it all in 1 person, or invest in a variety relationships around you. 

(I feel like "have balance" is my new mantra).  I could go on about THIS, but that would be another blog.

How do I help them understand just because they may be going through a rough patch does not mean they need a pill to get through it?   Quick diagnosis of depression devalues the very important need of the medications available. (Side note: not to get all Big Brother on you, but this is a lucrative business and Big Pharma isn't out for your best interests.  If you want a pill they will get you a pill because they will make money off of your struggles.  They don't care about you.)  

How do I help them understand just because someone you know takes anti-depressants for their situation does not mean what you’re going through is less.  I understand your hurts and struggles are real.  I understand they're raw and sometimes fresh and you don't want to feel that way.  

How do I help them understand that while a pill can do a lot of good it is not a cure for rough patches of life?  Taking medication  because you don't like to feel bad, at best, is a band aid and won’t stop these feelings from coming back.  Hard times will always consume you if you don’t take the steps to get through it.  If you’re taking something to cope you’ll always have to take something and that will do more harm for your well-being.

On this line of thought- How can I help them understand going through a rough time does not necessarily require a diagnosis of depression or anxiety? (Honestly- I think everyone deals with some levels of depression and anxiety, but learning how to cope and work through these is a part of life). Every hiccup in a relationship with someone does not mean an immediate need for counseling (although I am not opposed to therapy at all, we just can’t use it as a crutch).  

Disclamer:  This is my personal opinion and these comments are not to take way from those with an actual chemical imbalance and going through proper treatment- or those not diagnosed that need treatment that have tried to work things through.   If you are going through something and can't do it alone- if you don't feel like you have someone to confide in- please call the suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255 

Dear Child

To my daughter,
(written 02/05/2015)

Sometimes as a mother saying "I love you" just isn't enough.  Sometimes we have to find a way to let you really know how much

There will never be a pain you have that I won't have had myself.  But I can't break down when you do because I need to hold your hand.  Sometimes I just have to try to be there because you won't let me hold your hand.  There will never be a sorrow you feel that won't pain me as well.  I have to put on a strong face so I can be strong for you. 

Your accomplishments are my pride, but you won't let me run around the room cheering for you.  You happiness brings me unspeakable joy.  I tuck it away so I can smile on it when you're away from me.  Your are a part of my heart, my being, and my soul.  You've been a part of me from the moment I first knew I had the privilege to be the one you call "Mom." 

My lovely daughter, do you know how you provoke me?  I have felt every range of every emotion trying to teach you and raise you into the beautiful woman you're becoming.  I get so frustrated because I want the best for you!  You drive me crazy, but I adore that!  Sometimes I feel anger, but that's okay because I care so much it upsets me that I can't do anything for you. ... Or when you're too stubborn to see that I am right.

Sometimes you hurt me deeply, but no fleeting emotion can ever make me love you less.  It crushes me you're afraid to tell me things becuase you think you're going to be in trouble.     

Sometimes I have to hold it in so I can be strong for you.  I'm sorry if that seems like I don't care.  Sometimes I cry in secret for you.  I hate when your friends hurt you and when you struggle with something new.  I want to do everything for you, but I know you can't grow if I do.

It's hard being a girl.  What you see isn't always what you get.  Sometimes we can feel multiple conflicting emotions about one little thing.

evil teens or a bad mother?

I don't know where I got the notion I was a good kid when I was 15...  because I think there is a special evil in every 15 year old that is out to get their parents.

Ok.  Maybe I just said that because I'm so tired.  I've been struggling with small things for months now.  I'm exhausted.  I thank God we're not dealing with teen pregnancy, doing drugs, robbing from family members....   but none the less, I still have to be on my A game as a parent.   I still have to instill my rules, values, and consequences when necessary.

My oldest has been grounded since February.  They decided not to do school work and I allowed them to flounder on their own for about a month in hopes they would make the right decision...  but unfortunately they never buckled down to do what needs to be done.  I had to intervene.

My child says they don't understand the point in grounding.  They don't see how taking something they like will motivate them to make better decisions.  Long story short- since about the end of Feb I've had an extra phone and computer.

The only prerequisites to getting the stuff back was A.) Bring your grades up to a C or better and  B.) give me your passwords to your devices.

Side note: I might brag that almost every assignment turned in is like A+'s and B's. One of the teachers advised I should prepare for summer school, but I think we're in the clear.

For the most part I respect my children's privacy.  As long as they are being responsible and give me no problems I won't be all up in their business. However, if you're making bad decisions and need disciplined or I am worried I WILL nose in your life and see what's up.  Especially if you're not talking with me.

This child didn't want to cough up the passwords.  They don't think I should be invading their privacy.  The only thing that keeps running through my mind was me when I was 15, and all my friends.   Most of my friends at that age needed their parents more than their parents realized.  I'm sure I did, too.  In fact...  I KNOW I did!  In general I wasn't bad, but I made some pretty poor decisions from time to time. 

So in my minds eye- if you don't want to be honest and communicative with your parents then you're hiding something.  More than likely whatever this child of mine is hiding is probably not a big concern.  But the fact is- I don't know. 

I got some passwords recently, but they were wrong.  So now we're back to square one.  I want to give up.  I'm tired of butting heads.  I'm tired of making them hate me.  I'm tired of being the bad guy.

But I can't stop being a mom no matter how much I wish I could.  I can't treat one child different.  I can't enforce rules on one child and not on the others because they don't "feel" like it.  My children, I love more than I could ever describe, are my responsibility.  God saw fit to allow me to be mom to these kids and I have to do what I feel is in their best interest.  Even if they don't like it.  Even if it makes them mad at me and want to go live with their dad.  I have to be the grown up.

It really stinks.  I don't want to ground them!  Don't they know it's punishment for me, too?  I hate making them unhappy!  Discipline makes me feel like I'm a billion miles away while my child sits next to me.  Discipline makes walls grow.

I never realized being a parent would zap the fun and life out of me.  I feel like all I do is hound, complain, nag, and lecture (or as they say "yell" even though I rarely raise my voice).  I hate being this way.  I pray every day I make the right decisions for my children.  I know I can't be their friend because I'm their mom.  I just didn't know how hard it would be!  I never realized how much my children would break my heart and hurt me and they don't even know.  I wish they knew that I am the way I am because I love them.  Maybe someday they will?

Ugh teenagers.... and I've just begun, haven't I?