secret

I was going to title this "frustrations" and as soon as I did that I got a hangnail and that was kind of frustrating. Then I thought who would want to read a blog titled "frustrations?" Cuz that'll mean the blog is all whiney. No- what people like is drama and secrets! So viola! There we go.


So anyway I really AM frustrated, but I put on my happy face. You know the one. I just don't feel like it when I'm alone. Which is the majority of the day. Sometimes I feel like my mind is numb. It's like back in 8th grade when I thought I had life figured out and I only functioned because that was it. I guess I just want people to think that things are better with me (inside) than they really are. It's easier to say "fine" when asked how I'm doing. And do people REALLY want to know? I don't think so.

My mind is a roller coaster.

I love my home life, but not my job (and I haven't even gone back yet). Is it bad I get all anxious just thinking about it? I dread going back there. Spending 1/3 of my life at some place that can't even fake treat me as a valued person is just not something I look forward to subjecting myself to.

I keep thinking of those women that say they don't even want to get undressed in front of their husbands because of their bodies. I don't want to be like that, but I feel like it now. I cried this morning because I can't even wear most of my maternity pants due to unusual hyper sensitivity in my belly. I'm sure this is a c-section thing. How can I feel beautiful when physically I'm in pain? I cried this morning because it just exhausts me.


So I'm pretty much over the ankle and walking like a robot thing. Well not over it per-say, but used to it. I can't say it's still annoying (because going on 2 1/2 months it IS), but the light is at the end of the tunnel. By the end of the week I'll be taking the boot off and off I go... (applause inserted here). Okay so it probably won't be that easy; it'll be baby steps. Any steps are better than none, right?

With that said- I'm frickin scared out of my mind. I keep having vivid dreams and day dreams of my foot being so weak it just flops and snaps. Makes me shudder. Shuddering kinda makes the belly hurt. wierd.

So I was thinking about some of my 'funny' quirky blogs. I kinda miss that me. It's been a hard road and I know I've had hard roads before. I'm ready to find that fork to easy lane.

I still laugh a lot. Mostly at Rowan. He burped in my face this evening. It smelled like baby formula. That made me laugh. Oh and it seems like the only time he takes a dump is when he's in my lap. Luckily I have not had any squirt on ME (yet).

I really love being a mom. I would give up anything to be able to stay home with him and do the housewife thing. Maybe learn to cook (better) and me & the baby go grocery shopping. I'm already domesticated in the coupon clipping area.

Last thing for tonight- I promise at some point I will end up doing something silly I can blog about and we can all get some laughs again. Also, it's been a while since I blogged about my cats. I know you miss them.