#filtered

This may be selfish, but I'm so tired of feeling like the stupid awkward outcast.  I see people with eloquent speech and I fumble over myself.  99% of the time I converse with anyone (via social media or in person) I regret what I said wish I could delete the conversation or start over.

I hate being like this.

We just did #unfiltered series at church, yet we're all still #filtered.  It really annoys me to see these "perfect" lives projected around me.  I feel like I'm the ONLY crazy one (Well Kirby too
[he's got to be if he's with me], but he's got it more together than I do, apparently).  God knows how I want someone I can open up to (I'm sure Kirby wants me to get a friend, too).  But I can't because of fear- rejection, not caring, no room for a new friend, etc.

I feel like a vagabond because I don't do everything "all natural" (I happen to believe a combination of homeopathy and modern medicine is the way to go- holistic, I believe is the word... I'll look it up later).  The way (I view) people look down their nose at others because one goes "natural" and another goes "modern medicine" makes me want to close up.

I tried reaching out and I got shot down.  I ask a simple question for a variety of info and felt belittled.  I know getting cut down isn't intentional, but it still kind of hurts deep inside somewhere.

I tried to tell one specific person how it made me feel and you say you're going to not comment any more.  Ugh- I don't even know you- why go to such extremes?  Give me a chance. There is just something about you that draws me to you and I don't even know.

Why do I always feel my spirit clasp onto the wrong people?  Maybe there IS a church buddy that wants to hang out with me and I am too oblivious to even notice...  I need someone as socially awkward as me.  So we can be weirdos together.

ps you really ARE a great singer.