Monday, April 19, 2010


There are several things on my mind tonight. Many touchy... I pondered blogging at all because of certain eyes I know that view my blog or may communicate about my blog. They may have issues with me stepping on their toes. But you know what? My toes have been stepped on.

I don't usually go out and blog to hurt people's feelings- actually that has never been my intention. Though it's happened before. This is an online diary, open to the public. It's just me displaying parts of me to the world- or at least a very small portion (whoever bother's to read)- when I feel the desire.

So this blog, I'm sorry, is going to probably remain pretty vague in specific detail. If you can pull something out of it, then great! I can't say what I really want to say, but I think I can say enough to get it out of my system.

Someone made the pregnant lady cry. That would be me that was shedding tears. I knew at some point I would have to deal with these feelings I have inside of me now because I know the subject of the matter. It's been heavy on my mind for months. I can't blame myself for being overly hormonal and crying out.

The thing is- I'm non-confrontational for the most part, when it comes down to it I have been known to "instigate" and do what needs to be done. Say what I need to say and deal with it. There is just one confrontation I haven't figured how to deal with. Something needs to be said, but how do I say it? On top of that I've allowed it to go on so long in my life, that wouldn't it be kind of imprudent for me to bother with it now?

Should I continue to bite my tongue and let things be? Why?? I won't see an improvement sitting idle. I have to deal with questions from certain people. What would anyone have to gain from me holding back, besides that I won't upset someone?

If someone has a problem we need to know we have a problem before we'll try to improve, right? I know what I need to say will fall on deaf ears. I know the subject and the subject matter. I know it because the stubbornness. I've seen the cycle. I've been the one hurting and I've seen others hurting. I've seen the subject hurting.

The unwillingness to admit that sometimes we're wrong. That pride gets in the way. I know because I hate to think of myself as being wrong, but I know I have been. It is a hard pill to swallow. Especially when we feel we're the ones that have been wronged. When we think we're the victim.

We can't always be the victim! We are not ALWAYS right. We can't rely on others for our happiness. We can't rely on things to make us happy. We shouldn't try to escape our reality and shut ourselves from the world! There are cold days, but not every day is a cold day. We all have bad days and carry our little storm cloud. Not everyone does everything intentionally to hurt us. Sometimes we hurt people and don't even know it. Sometimes doing what needs to be done will hurt those around us, but it still has to get done. We all have to realize that.

There is a point where we have to take responsibility for this life and all that goes with it. Sometimes we have to "be the bigger person" when we don't want to be. We have to be the better person when we shouldn't. We have to say we're sorry when we know we have no reason to apologize. We have to agree to disagree. Hug those that hurt us and try to rebuild those relationships. Forgive when we don't want to. We can't allow what other people do and say to infect our souls.

We need to make a choice, a decision, to not dwell on our transgressors and the transgressions against us. Let's not let things blow out of proportion. Lets not over think our aches and pain. Let's not let that pain grow and fever. Everyone has a moment of weakness. Let's not allow other's weakness interfere with our happiness.

But for our pride and our stubbornness- would one risk losing the ones we love? Families are close nit. Families fight probably more than strangers. We know each other the best. We hurt each other the worst, but as a family we have to get over it. We have to forgive, even if we don't feel the other person deserves it. We need to strive to forget. Rebuild those relationships, be the one to open the door first.

Put away our crutches and open our hearts. Love unconditionally. Love when it's hard. Allow those that hurt us to love us. Let the ones that we feel wronged us try to make it right. Allow things that happened in the past stay in the past. Look to the future. See the good, look for it, ask for it.

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