Monday, December 13, 2010

It's kind of hard...

I just keep thinking I didn't talk to him as often as I should have. Are there always regrets, what if's, and should haves? I wish I told him I loved him last time I saw him.

It's just that I didn't have a typical father-daughter relationship most people have. He wasn't even in my life for a good portion of it. I was disappointed and angry after the first time I met him when I was a teenager (before my parents re-married). I never felt like I took the time I should have to get to know him or build a solid relationship. He's the quiet type so conversations were often awkward. I just wish I had done more on my end when he did come into my life. I told myself Saturday when the ambulance passed me on the way to the hospital that I was going to have a heart to heart with him... but he never woke up. I wish I hadn't of waited for my heart to heart or that "right" moment.

As I held his hand in the hospital I realized I never really touched him.

I know we had a mutual understanding of each other and I know we loved each other deep down, but we never so much as said so. At least not often as we should have. I know he was proud of me, but I want to know things like his favorite color and why didn't I just ask that stuff when he was there? I knew he was sick and not feeling well, but it never occurred to me that Thanksgiving was the last time I'd see him alive.

Funny- last conversation we had I showed him my ankle scar (I hadn't seen him since before I broke it) and he told me his was bigger.

1 comment:

Penny said...

I am so sorry to hear about your Dad's passing! Even though I had never met him personally, I considered him a friend. I can't remember when we first chatted, but it had to be over 10 years ago on Ebay's Aol Cafe. He was so smart and cared enough to help everyone in the chat room with their ebay or computer problems. I loved his dry humor and his silly postings especially his grinch Christmas "button" telling us how many days until Christmas.
I hope sometime you can go into the Ebay Aol Cafe and post so everyone knows. They all miss him so much. It's a large group of people from about the age of 30 - 80. They are all very nice. I'm sure they are all coming here to read your blog since my Mother found it. I do not write as eloquently as you so I hope I'm not rambling, but just know your Dad was loved and will be missed by many more than you can know, and many had never even met him.
--Penny Wicken aka Snooks65 on Ebay