I just keep thinking I didn't talk to him as often as I should have. Are there always regrets, what if's, and should haves? I wish I told him I loved him last time I saw him.
It's just that I didn't have a typical father-daughter relationship most people have. He wasn't even in my life for a good portion of it. I was disappointed and angry after the first time I met him when I was a teenager (before my parents re-married). I never felt like I took the time I should have to get to know him or build a solid relationship. He's the quiet type so conversations were often awkward. I just wish I had done more on my end when he did come into my life. I told myself Saturday when the ambulance passed me on the way to the hospital that I was going to have a heart to heart with him... but he never woke up. I wish I hadn't of waited for my heart to heart or that "right" moment.
As I held his hand in the hospital I realized I never really touched him.
I know we had a mutual understanding of each other and I know we loved each other deep down, but we never so much as said so. At least not often as we should have. I know he was proud of me, but I want to know things like his favorite color and why didn't I just ask that stuff when he was there? I knew he was sick and not feeling well, but it never occurred to me that Thanksgiving was the last time I'd see him alive.
Funny- last conversation we had I showed him my ankle scar (I hadn't seen him since before I broke it) and he told me his was bigger.