I had an epiphany today. ... So remember yesterday how I blogged about how I'm not as nice as I try to think I am? Of course not because at this writing I can tell you that I have had 0 views. Anyway- today someone came into work and I received an email from a co-worker with a snarky comment about them. Of course I laughed out loud and made a response back.
This actually wasn't very nice- and I know it wasn't nice, but I did it anyway.
Something no one probably knows about me but now you do: in the afternoons on the way home I always say a small prayer. I thank God for the day, for my job, thinking about my kids at school, my mom, my brother, whatever is on my mind, etc.
So today I stop in mid-prayer because in all honesty- I just transgressed horribly on someone moments before and they don't even know! So why do I think I deserve to talk to Him after what I did? I'm completely flawed. My sins aren't "serious" offenses. I'm not murdering people, robbing banks, or anything the like... But I claim to be a Christian and therefore I should be held at a higher standard and more accountable of my actions.
What I did (as a Christian) by gossiping about someone (to a non-Christian)- what kind of message did I just give? That this behavior is OK? Because it's not. That is not the kind of Christian I want to be, nor the kind of person I want to be. My sin may be "small" but it can infect people with horrible repercussions.
So I don't deserve to be able to pray to a God that loves me. But then I got to thinking that God loves me just the way I am- flaws and all. Flaws (sins) and all.... So I'm like how can He?
Then one of my children popped into my head and I remembered a particularly bad decision they made that really hurt me- crushed me, actually. But I still love them. I love them no matter what. I love them even if they make more bad choices (and they will) and if they hurt me again (and they might). Or if they pull away from me, or were to confess they don't love me. I would love them anyway, just the way they are. I would listen to them if they wanted to come and talk- even if they made a bad choice minutes before our conversation.
So, there is that.
I think the guilt today was brought to my attention so I can work on fixing the problem. I'm sure no matter what I do God loves me and I can only strive to do better when I KNOW I'm doing wrong. Will I make more mistakes? Yeah, I'm sure I will and I'd like to think, "not on purpose."