Tuesday, April 4, 2017


So I read a blog today, http://www.somethingbeautifulinitstime.org/  It's obviously different than this.  It is actually kind of enlightening.   A personal walk on the journey of faith, figuring how to love like Jesus, surrendering yourself to God while still being very human and real.

I know I've been full of melancholy these last few months, but I'm being real.  

I have a lonely keening pain I carry deep inside.  I think I'm the problem.

I want a friend, but I'm too shy.  I'm too introverted.  I'm too awkward.  I regret opening up to people the instant I do.  I wish I could erase my conversations.  I say the wrong thing, it gets taken the wrong way, or I'm opening up to wrong people. I analyze everything.  I look for flaws and wonder if I come off in a different way than I mean.  It always feels wrong.

I want SO bad to call up the people I used to. 

Enough people like me, but no one likes me enough. 

They (I'm not sure who "they" are) say you marry your best friend, but I don't think that's true or else I wouldn't feel like something is so terribly empty in my life.  

Don't get me wrong- My husband IS a candle in my darkness.  He pulls me up when I'm about to slip under and he doesn't even know it. He knows I need affirmation and he pours it on heavy and sticky. Sometimes it annoys me because I want to wallow in self pity.  He knows I need love and patience and kindness and he overwhelms me with it.  For all the times I feel unworthy he tells me I am worth it.  For all the days I don't want to go into public to be seen he tells me how beautiful I am.  He has listened to me intensely as I complain and cry over all the incredible pain I'm in.  He can't fix the things out of my control, but he's there to just be there.  So- shout out, high five, or whatever grand gesture you think of goes to him.  I don't always think I deserve him, but he seems to think I do.  :)

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