I'm sorry

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I can't be what you need me to be.
I'm sorry I can't read your mind.
I'm sorry life isn't fair.

I'm sorry you won't let me help you.
I'm sorry I don't know how to help you.
I'm sorry you shut me out instead of let me in.
I'm sorry your choices reflect poorly on me.
I'm sorry I let it get to me.

I'm sorry my mind is a jumbled mess and I can't focus on anything in particular.

I'm sorry that I have to take care of myself and my happiness instead of allowing you to take me down your dark paths.

I'm sorry, but I don't know if I can go with you.

sickos

Today as I come back from lunch a co-worker is wondering if she has food poison.  Apparently she got sick right after her lunch (and has been to the bathroom twice since I've returned).

I'm sitting here thinking- it's Feb.  Stomach flu is rampant (I know because everyone posts about it on fb [like I REALLY want to know how many times you've hugged John- the toilet- not your husband]).  I'm praying she doesn't infect us all.  I HATE the stomach flu.  It brings out the WORST anxiety in me.

Which brings me to the realization- I am quite often a very selfish prayer-er.  Of course I don't want her to be sick (or her to give to her kids)... BUT more importantly I don't want to be sick and I most definitely don't want to bring that to my kids.  Not only because I don't want them to be sick- but if I'm being completely honest I don't want to deal with them being sick (or the inevitable clean up).

Does that make me the most selfish person of all or what?

I know I have 2 whole readers (unless one of them is me when I sign onto this blog)....  I wonder what they (you) think?

Also- if you are sick WHY don't you go home?  WHY stay to infect us all?   I understand- you gots billz to pay and taking a day off is hard...  but what I don't get- why make everyone around you sick because you're a "trooper?"

... and with that said- why do these people never get sent home?

lunch plans

Kirby sent me a text and asked me what I was doing at 12:30?

I told him, "sitting in the break room, eating popcorn, contemplating if I should get rid of all my shirts bc I can't compete with a skinny 14 y/o body."  (my daughter keeps wearing my clothes)

He said, "Hmm. I was hoping you'd have lunch with me..."

That sounds like a much better alternative for lunch, I think. 

I'll take it.

torn

You say I don’t understand you, but I know more than you give me credit for.  The real question is do You understand me?  Do you make an effort to put yourself in other's shoes?  Do you have empathy?

I tell you how I feel and you disregard my feelings.  My feelings are of no consequence as long as your desires are met.

You make me feel terrible, but I suck it up because I love you.   You tear me down without even realizing it, battering my self esteem and self worth.  Am I worthy?

I cry to God daily for your health, happiness, and the salvation of you soul because I care about you so deeply. I cry to myself the treatment that is bestowed upon me and you don’t even know it.  I try to tell you, but you think I’m joking.

I love you.  I know you love me, but why can’t you love me back the same way?  Oh, how you vex me- going about your business oblivious to those around you.  It makes me wonder- do I do the same?

cold in my soul

Valentines Day is coming up.

I used to say this was my favorite holiday.  I don't even know why- I had no reason.  It isn't like anything special happened on it except there is a plethora of romantical movies.  Which, if you're a sap that's friggin awesome, right?!

I am always cold, my fingers and toes on the verge of numbness.  A sweater is my best friend (the rattier the better).  I am always telling Kirby my heart is ice cold, hence why I can cool a burn with my fingertips.

My mom once got married on Valentine's day once.  I was 14 and it was snowy and bitter cold.  The wind whipped my hair and bit into the depths of my soul.  I couldn't feel my toes.  Of course this didn't stop me from wearing a dress.  *The only one of a popular style I owned.  I think I had gotten it for Christmas as I relentlessly talked about how I wanted one -and I SO wanted to fit in. Also, it was a hair small and the style was "out" by time I wore it for this impromptu courthouse wedding.*  Afterwards, my cousins and I sat on the icy seats of a gazebo and I internally begged for time to speed up while shivering (convulsing) in my winter coat.  I have no idea WHY we had to subject ourselves to that.  Photos or something.  Maybe I'll look in the archives (photo books) and see if I can find one to scan later.

Anyway- I think the ice penetrated my heart that day.

That explains a lot, really.