Day of Thanks

I'm not feeling very thankful.  I know.  I should work on that.  

Also, I think it's kind of stupid that we designate one day of the year to be thankful.   Perhaps we would be a much better off people if we were more thankful throughout the year.  Instead of harboring negative thoughts all the time and then forcing ourselves to think beyond what we don't have.  And then only because you'll look like the negative nancy (or ned) that you are and we wouldn't want that, would we?

Well I guess I must be one of the few honest people in America right now because I am a negative nancy sometimes.  I can live with that. 

Maybe my attitude will be better once I get some coffee in me.  Gosh, I am thankful for coffee (and creamer).  ....and my wonderful husband who is pouring some for me right now.   He must see me brooding over the blog. 

still angry

Yup...  I was very angry and hurt yesterday.  So I'm told those are normal emotions.  My husband is on my team.  I don't know why anyone would want to be on the nerdy loser side, but apparently he doesn't mind.

Typically my disposition is to let things roll off my back, but once in a while something hits the right nerve and I can't shake it.  A nerve that perhaps has never healed over so many years...? 

I meant everything I said.  However, I am going to have to work on this anger thing before it tears my guts apart.  It's so hard not to be angry at someone that wronged you so unjustly.  It makes me angry knowing that I'm pretty much wasting my energy, too.  Catch 22.

I guess there is something else at the moment I can waste my energy on.  Like time with the best step son ever.  He could have chosen to stay upstairs and play video games, but instead he's getting several games ready to play.

He amazes me.  He doesn't even know the turmoil going on inside me, yet he is so thoughtful.  He "wants" to play a game I've asked for weeks to play (none of the other kids wants to play so I've been vetoed out).

Kirby just said he had an "old man brain"  That has absolutely nothing to do with my whole 'i'm still angry' blog, but it was kind of funny.  I guess I'll try to let this go, if for a moment, and enjoy some family game night time.   

A Letter For You

Dear D. B.

Yes this is for you.  You're so lucky you get your own special letter on the Internet.  You've made it in my life as someone who's touched me, but I know you will never care.  You've reiterated to me something I may have forgotten in the last few years.   That life isn't fair.  You've showed me that doing the right thing doesn't really matter.  I forgot that, too.  You reminded me that the nice people usually finish last.

I guess I must have forgotten quite a bit of the lessons I have supposedly learned before.  Thanks for the refresher.   

Do you know why nice people finish last?  Because it's the nice people that help clean up after people like you.  It's the nice people that make sure you're ok before making sure they're ok.  It's the nice people that do the right thing so people like you don't have to.

You did something wrong.  You know it.  I know it.  But I guess that is as far as it goes, isn't it?  You're a selfish person.  I will probably kick myself for years for doing the right thing when it came to you.  I'm sure you won't give me a second thought, though.  By then you'll have done many other wrongs and hurt many other people.  

I hope you got what you wanted.  I hope your parents are proud of the way they've raised you.  To do whatever you want.  To be dishonest.  To run from your mistakes.  To spite any consequences you might deserve.  And I hope they are particularly proud that you refuse to take responsibility for your actions.

As parent myself, well I can't agree with your parents.  Because I'm a nice person.  I've raised my children to be responsible and upstanding citizens.


I wish I could say or do something about this, but the fact is, I can't.  You know it.  You got off clean.  So I guess good for you.  I hope the next person you wrong isn't one of the nice people.  I hope they are as selfish and dishonest as you are. 

controlling anger

So...  I seem to have found myself in a little rut. 

I'm finding that I'm so angry.  It frustrates me to no end when there are circumstances that affect me that are so out of my control.  It's like I'm standing on the outside looking in on other people making decisions about me.  Judging me on something they have never even seen nor experienced.

It's just not fair.  "life isn't fair" mocks me in my head.

Yeah, I know life isn't fair.  And I just really want to say or do something about it, but I know it's a moot point.  I feel so helpless and therefore I'm angry about it. 

People talk about karma.  I don't really believe in karma... so maybe karma has it out to get me and that is why I am on this string of bad luck.

I know it's not all that bad.  I still have my wonderful kids, Kirby, the cats, the dog, my job, awesome friends, co-workers, ect. and the list goes on... but some of this stuff.  Well it's a matter of principal and a matter of my own self worth.

Someone told me the other day to forget about pleasing people because I never will.  If I please myself I'm being selfish... so who should I please?  God.  I should do what I do for Him.  Ok, that makes it a little better to swallow.  But still... I don't understand what God's will is in allowing me to "take the hit" so to speak.  A "hit" that will now taint me for the rest of my life.  Haven't enough bad things already happened to me?

 

turn of events

If someone hurt you so deeply and so profound that it's affected you for the rest of your life...  If you've forgiven them in your heart... but still have a ball of pain locked away...  and they suddenly return.

How are you supposed to feel?  What should you say?  Anything?  What do you do?

What if all the hurt comes back?  

Yeah, I don't know either.