Monday, February 28, 2011

florescent lights flicker

Have you ever thought of someone in a certain light only to have the bulb replaced? That happened to me today and I can't stop thinking about it. How many people in my life have I been looking at under the wrong bulb?

I'd been fancying myself on how much I've matured in the last 4 years, but then something happens that shows my immaturity like a raw carpet burn. I wonder if I'm ever going to truly grow up! I'd been past hurting people. It ain't my thang!! I think for the past few years that I have been very good at not gossiping, bashing, or otherwise degrading another person. The drama llama has stalked out of my life because I was starving it.

Before you open your big mouth- My ex and I are a work in progress and you have to admit we have come a long way since my blogging drama!!

Anyway this is not about my ex. This is about a woman that I have always wished I had a small bond with and could never figure out why we couldn't connect. I honestly thought she hated my guts. I come to find now that may not necessarily be the case. I'm so confused!

She is someone that for the last 2 years I wanted to apologize for being so ignorant and stupid around her the one and only time we met like 15 years ago. She never knew it, but she has always meant a lot to me, deep down. I always felt bad I hurt her feelings and wanted to make amends- or at least get "my side" heard.

What makes her so special is she is the wife of someone I had considered at one point one of my best friends (I know I must go through them like I go through fingernail polish. That is if I wore much fingernail polish). I've always thought of her like the saying "any friend of yours is a friend of mine" kind of thing. She was important to him, so therefore she was also important to me.

So anyway I only want to help my friends and I'm afraid whatever I say or do is not going to be of any help. Some things people just have to work on their own.

Isn't it amazing how one decision someone makes can affect so many people? How a word can make or destroy a person?? I hope she can forgive me.

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