Estrangement...

I'm just going to put this out here. There are a lot of people that don't deserve to be in others people's lives. There are a lot of broken people that do deserve another chance. Everyone has a story.

But is it worth it if you haven't even given it a chance? Some will say yes! They are away from toxicity and their lives have been greatly enriched away from those that hurt them or bring them down.

And on the other end some will be pining away, sifting through every mistake they've ever made day in and day out..., wide awake at night and in between calls at work... picking apart things that weren't mistakes, but was it damaging? Wishing to have appreciated the other person more when they were annoyed or distracted (bc who knew that would be the last of the memories you'd share? [consider the lesson learned!]) Wishing you told them you loved the more often... They (me) are trying so hard to bend the will of the universe to allow a chance to go back and fix things until you're exhausted and queasy with migraine from futilely straining against the cosmos.

How do you accept when there is no moving forward? There is no working it out, sleeping on it, and there is no tomorrow. There is no fresh start or new beginnings.

I've exhausted my sorries and and it will never be enough.

Even an, "I hate you" would be something because an expression of hatred still bears hope with the communication.

I personally didn't even get enough of those to almost feel a reprieve an estrangement would bring. The very last communication I have was worse than that, though. It was meant to hurt. One last malady to endure and infect my thoughts as the final radio silence began.

But... I'm not allowed to feel hurt... This is all my fault; I am not the victim (those aren't my words, but they ring in my head). How can I not FEEL?

There are things left unsaid. Things that can't be taken back. Things that will bring you (me) embarrassment at 2 in the afternoon (or 2 at night) when you're in the the middle of a customer chewing out and you just CAN'T do anything about it (the customer or the thing)... so maybe the lack of sleep or the reaming of the customer is Karma's way of balancing things out...

...Because of course the estrangement, the empty feeling in your soul, the love you want to give, the things you want to share and laugh-- you can't. The first person you'd give news to isn't there...All that's left is this messed gnarled wreck of a heart. I'm a shell of a person with other people to love and they don't deserve the me that's left. It all just isn't enough pain to endure already.

So yah... I guess that's that. I'm so muffin tired of crying about this. I am done with the pain.

I'm not ready

How many of us wish we could go back and right our wrongs?  How many of our wrongs weren't intentional?

Your therapist said I was too negative... I know my pain spilled over in that session. I've over-analyzed everything when I just need to understand. We are two vastly different people and yet you are a part of me. 

It's hard not to be negative when I hurt for you so bad.  

Having children- it's like seeing a part of your soul outside of your body.  The love I have is unconditional, we have a connection that tethers me to you. There is nothing you can do that would sever the love I have for you. 

The truth is we don't understand each other. Somehow these last few months or year I don't know you and you don't know me.  It's hard for you to see the world through my eyes and it's hard for me to see the world through your eyes. 

We need to learn patience with each other.  As the older one I should be on top of that, but patience hasn't always been my strongest point. 

I've heard you have to help yourself before helping others.  Maybe I need to do that.  Set you aside and work on me.  Heal my hurts.  Maybe I need to let you go. 

I have a lot of issues feeling like a failed mother.  If I let you go, even temporarily, what kind of mother would I be? And that's why I won't be the one letting anyone "go"

It's easier for me for you to reject me... which I feel you have.  But I can't accept it.  I have to fight for it.  To fight for us. I know our relationship will never be the same, but what relationship ever stays the same?

Your therapist is a smart lady.  She definitely knows you better than me and I don't think she wants us estranged. She said we have to start small.  I agree, we have to take small steps to get to know each other.  You're old enough if you want an adult relationship with me you can pursue it.  If you don't, then... I don't know. 

Of all the horrible things I've ever had to endure, an estrangement is by far the worst and I hope you will never understand what I mean. 

6 weeks

Hello,

Every time I try to text you it comes out completely wrong. I'm going to be honest, I just didn't know how to communicate to you through your pain. I want to help you, I try, and then things go horribly wrong. I say I don't want to argue, then I do. I apologize and it goes the other way. Then I foolishly say something I don't mean (again). 

I'm imperfect.  I make mistakes.  And I love you all the same.

I can tell you're angry with me and I feel like every time I try to smooth it over I make it worse. I've spent so many tears reading your messages, writing down what you said so I can reply and wishing I could say things differently to you. And then not having the chance to.

If I could tell you anything in the world what would it be? I love you.  Unconditionally. It won't stop. Our estrangement is the worst thing I've ever endured.

When you told me why you left I was sick and I could barely function. I was prescribed a medication that made me sleep 20 hours a day.  I tried to work, think, and feel, but I was in a fog for a long time.

Something happened to you and you needed me to be there and I wasn't.  Someone I love hurt you. Someone you loved hurt you.  You say you're broken and I'm not allowed to help you pick up the pieces.  It breaks my heart you are hurting. You needed me to understand and I wasn't understanding. You said I hurt you the most.

My being ill made me distant and that wasn't fair to you.  I raked my mind on how to help you without asking how you wanted me to help.  You said you wanted space and I went full mama bear seeking every detail and analyzing it all to make sure I had the full picture in my head so I could present it to the authorities.  All the while trying to (poorly) support you, manage my own wrecked emotions, and get well, and maintain the function of normality.

I re-read my texts to see what I said and I was not truly hearing you.  It wasn't fair I got defensive when you were angry. You were hurting and I wasn't helping.

How did our relationship become such a mess? I thought I was doing the right thing. The best I knew how for you.  I try to make things right and they go more wrong.

Your perception is different than mine and I didn't stop to try to understand where you were coming from. I accepted it and understood we saw things differently, but I didn't put myself in your shoes. So I wasn't truly understanding.

You gave me a solution, an ultimatum, to prove my love, yet you won't have a conversation with me about any of this. You want me to choose you over everyone in my life. You say you won't be ready to talk until I accept your only solution.

I simply can not do what you want when I'm not ready to make that choice. I will always love you, however I don't want to grow to resent you for forcing my hand.  I want to reconcile.  I want to start over with just you and I. 

Please invite me in your life, just a tiny bit. Please let me listen to you and I will make an effort understand you. Please give me a chance without an ultimatum. 

I will try to be patient for when you're ready. I've never been good with patience, but for you I will do my best.

where do I start?

Why does living have to hurt so bad sometimes?  How can someone be going about their life and the world just flips? Why is life so unreasonable?  Why does my chest feel so empty and so heavy at the same time? 

Lies are tearing me apart.  My essence is being torn in 2 different directions. It is making me physically sick.

I had these feelings once... The way I felt that night and the nights that followed are forever etched into my soul.  I thought these feelings were only going to be a distant memory of things long gone and healed over.

Oh God, it took so long feel like a whole person again. 

I just can't do it.  I can't "fake it until I make it" anymore.  I can't. I'm not resilient. I'm weak. I'm a failure.

I don't even know what "this" is. I don't know if I'll come back. I can only take so much hurt at a time.  I can only have so much pain weigh me down.  I just can't do it.  How will I go on?  How will I survive?

How do I get up in the morning and go to work?  How do I focus?  How do I resist the urge to faint...  ....and if I do- how do I make it so I don't wake up?

If I could ask you to answer honestly-  Are you lying to me?  How do I know you speak the truth?  I love you to the deepest part of my being and you're ripping it out. 

How do I stop?  How do I not care?

My Own Path

You just popped into my head.  I think of you and the perfect life you projected.  I used to want that.  I didn't want to be you, but I wanted to be like you.  To be more successful than I felt.  To be more confident than I felt.  To have it all together like you appeared.

Everyone has a story and it was hard to imagine yours when you were so perfect and I was always such a mess.  The problem wasn't that you didn't appear to have problems.  The problem is that I wasn't okay with myself.

But I am now.  I actually haven't thought of you in a long time.  It's weird, though... thinking of you and all those old feelings drudged up. The truth is, I'm okay with my inadequacies.  I could never be like you and I don't want to.  I'm myself & I like that.  I'm successful in my own way, even if it's not in the way I imagined success would look like.  It's actually better.  I still struggle with confidence, but I'm comfortable being me.

The truth is- I don't have it all together.  I get stressed to the max.  I struggle with anxiety and sometimes depression.  My heart breaks for my kids and my heart cheers for my kids.  I love being a mom, but it's like a roller coaster.  I'm so deeply in love with my husband I don't even have the words to express it (seriously- I've tried writing about it so many times, but nothing seems to fit right).  All in all I'm happy.  The only thing missing is a "bestie" or whatever- but I'm trying to open myself up for that.  I figured at my age I would have figured this whole life thing out, but I guess there is always room to learn and grow, huh?

I know I'm just rambling, but it's what's on my mind.  So yeah.  :)

-Also prayers for those still recovering from Hurricane Harvey, those in the path of Irma, and those in Montana and out west dealing with the wild fires and toxic air.

missing you.

It's been 10 years since I last got to hang out with you and laugh with you.  I can't help feeling nostalgia when I think about you.   I miss you so much.  Wondering where life would have taken us if I hadn't of moved so far away.  I feel like I'm the only one clinging to what never will be.  Maybe that is the spark that drags me constantly to you... You're living life so differently and I wish I could be an active part of it.  I miss laughing with you.

#filtered

This may be selfish, but I'm so tired of feeling like the stupid awkward outcast.  I see people with eloquent speech and I fumble over myself.  99% of the time I converse with anyone (via social media or in person) I regret what I said wish I could delete the conversation or start over.

I hate being like this.

We just did #unfiltered series at church, yet we're all still #filtered.  It really annoys me to see these "perfect" lives projected around me.  I feel like I'm the ONLY crazy one (Well Kirby too
[he's got to be if he's with me], but he's got it more together than I do, apparently).  God knows how I want someone I can open up to (I'm sure Kirby wants me to get a friend, too).  But I can't because of fear- rejection, not caring, no room for a new friend, etc.

I feel like a vagabond because I don't do everything "all natural" (I happen to believe a combination of homeopathy and modern medicine is the way to go- holistic, I believe is the word... I'll look it up later).  The way (I view) people look down their nose at others because one goes "natural" and another goes "modern medicine" makes me want to close up.

I tried reaching out and I got shot down.  I ask a simple question for a variety of info and felt belittled.  I know getting cut down isn't intentional, but it still kind of hurts deep inside somewhere.

I tried to tell one specific person how it made me feel and you say you're going to not comment any more.  Ugh- I don't even know you- why go to such extremes?  Give me a chance. There is just something about you that draws me to you and I don't even know.

Why do I always feel my spirit clasp onto the wrong people?  Maybe there IS a church buddy that wants to hang out with me and I am too oblivious to even notice...  I need someone as socially awkward as me.  So we can be weirdos together.

ps you really ARE a great singer.

Singing thoughts

I have a thousand thoughts coursing through me.  Each is vying for individual attention, but I lack the strength to divide myself appropriately.

But right now I'm thinking of you...

Sitting next to you in church used to be my favorite thing in the world.  I would stand closer to you while we sang hymns because I wanted to hear every word.  Your voice made me think of delicate roses blooming so tenderly...  Your voice so velvety, like a petal, twirling and wrapped around notes in a pitch that touched me.

You told me this weekend you didn't want to sing anymore because you're not that good.  Oh- how I wish I would have expressed to you years ago how lovely your singing really was.  How this, among many things, impacted me.  You touched my soul and made the hymns come alive in my spirit. 

It dawned on me that it's been years since I sat next to you in church.  I miss that.  I'll never get to do that again.  I miss hundreds of other things that have come to pass, too. 

That is one of the reasons I requested the 4 plaques of hymns from your house. Your singing and your music helped sculpt me into the person I am today.  They are kind of "old lady-ish" so I'm not sure where to put them, but wherever I finally decide I will be proud to have them.  

I miss so many things and it aches me to visit you knowing I'll never have those things again.  You are still you, but Alzheimer's has stolen many parts of you that were.

What a nasty, nasty disease. 

Love of a Teen

There are a lot of things I wish to say to you.  However, I will keep it brief.

I really wish you could look past your own selfishness and open up your eyes to the pain you’re causing.  You break her heart and just when she’s starting to get her life together you go and string her along for another ride. 

I know you’re both young and figuring things out, but enough is enough.  How many times are you going to do this to someone before you realize it’s emotional abuse?  Obviously, you’re the one in control here.  And you know it.  She continues to hang on and grasp at a future with you because it's HARD letting someone you love go.  As soon as she starts to move on you pull her back and fill her with empty promises. Her heart is not a toy!  You need to look at yourself and correct this behavior right now.

Regardless of who you’re with -or who you’re not with- you have to be respectful of the other person.  If you’re letting them go, actually let them go.  It's not right to play with someone's emotions over and over.  It's not fair to me to watch this toxic relationship, either.  If you regret your decision then maybe you'll think about what you're doing instead of acting rashly.

I'm not your mother, but here is my PSA: The decisions you're making now will affect you for the rest of your life.  The way you are learning to behave now are characteristics that will be harder to change the more you grow into adulthood.  Stop making the same decisions that have the same results and start learning from your mistakes.

The Way You Are

If I could tell you anything.  I would tell you that I pray for your soul and your happiness daily. There are no words to describe how much I love you.  You are my son and I'm proud of you.

I don't care that you're not like your peers.  If you played sports I would go to every game, but I'm glad I don't have to.  If you made straight A's and B's I'd brag about how smart you are on facebook, but I know grades aren't everything.  Grades don't show character.  You don't have to pass a test for me, I know how clever you truly are.  You don't have to garner a certain persona to gather my pride. I'm proud of you the way you are!!

I would be in denial if I were to tell you that I didn't have dreams for you, because I did.  I could have cultivated you into a person of my agenda, but I wanted you to flourish on your own.  I could have breathed down your back, demanding my idea of an ideal child, but I wanted you to be you.

Even if you make choices I disagree with, I'm proud of your individuality.  I may not always like your opinion, but I value it.  I may disagree with what you're thinking, but I am glad you're thinking independently.  We may butt heads because you don't see the purpose of my rules, but I still love you, even when I go bat crazy and yell about it.  (Sorry for going bat crazy).

If I have regrets- it's that I didn't take more time with you when I had the time to do it.  I was always told, "time flies, they're only little once!"  Until you're a parent, writing a letter to your 18 year old adult child- you don't realize how time really does fly.  When I was 18 and kissing your sweet head I never imagined being 24 and sending you to school. Through my late twenties you created war games that we played.  For every time you asked me to play and I said "not now" I never thought there would be a time I wouldn't be playing them.  God knows how I wish I could go back in time and play your games again! Back then time felt infinite. I never thought I'd be 36 preparing for you to finish school and be ready to move out.  All the things I wanted for you I thought I'd have forever to do them.

I tried so hard to give you what I thought was a good balance (and I had a lot to figure out).  You and I have shared a special adventure none of your siblings can take from you.  Everything I learned to do as a parent- I learned because of you!  Your sister and brother have benefited from our relationship.  Maybe that's not fair... but that is how life goes, isn't it?

YOU taught me how to not be selfish.  YOU helped me learn to be giving and humble and loving. For you I learned the joy of sacrificing for the benefit of others.  I learned to be a better listener. YOU showed me how to truly forgive and forget.  It took a while on this one, but I learned not to over-react.  YOU helped me to be more courteous and respectful. You taught me how to be patient and so much more

YOU showed me how to comfort by comforting me.

It is not possible for me to not desire the best for you and want better for you.  I don't know if I can cease my worrying. As your mother, every time I talk to you my spirit crushes a little more.  When you're so clearly struggling it makes me struggle.  When you ache, I ache.  My heart breaks for you and I know I barely touch the surface of what thoughts swim in your mind.

As someone who cares so deeply for you  I just don't understand why you choose your hurts and internal anguish instead of taking charge to improve yourself.  I can't fathom why you don't want to take control of your bondage and let me (or anyone) help you.  There are so many things you dislike out of your control that is devouring you.  Take the steps you need to make the world a better place for you (I know this is cheesy, but 1 person CAN make a difference).  

Lastly, take a look through my eyes!  I wish you could see you how I see you.  I wish you could see the worth in you that I see.

over 20 years ago....

To clarify it says:

"from the deep pits
of agony I do stare
into the face of space
There is no one there when
I call.
I fel a yearning to be held and
really loved.
But i'm only 16!  Too young.
Why do I have to wait?
Because there is none
to be for real at this age.
to feel the things and have the laughter of
my youth
I am captive and stuck in
the boundaries of my own paper.
With the scrawel of my pen I can
be the most joyous or the most
of nothing but the
period on my paper."

I can tell by my penmanship how hurting I really was.  Years later, I still remember feeling desolate and lonely, not having a soul in the world to talk to.  I thought I was too much for anyone to understand...

Next time you ask how your child's day was, remember there is probably more going on they aren't telling you.  My older kids are teenagers.  They drive me crazy, but they are real people, sorting out real feelings, dealing with real loves and losses I probably don't even know about.  Maybe next time when talking to a teenager don't push them off as self-centered, typical teenager, but as a person who thinks and feels just as deep as you.

Radiant

The radiant sun licks the ground and delights my eyes in ways my mind can't possibly describe.

epiphany

I had an epiphany today.  ...  So remember yesterday how I blogged about how I'm not as nice as I try to think I am?  Of course not because at this writing I can tell you that I have had 0 views. Anyway- today someone came into work and I received an email from a co-worker with a snarky comment about them.  Of course I laughed out loud and made a response back.

This actually wasn't very nice- and I know it wasn't nice, but I did it anyway.  

Something no one probably knows about me but now you do: in the afternoons on the way home I always say a small prayer.  I thank God for the day, for my job, thinking about my kids at school, my mom, my brother, whatever is on my mind, etc.    

So today I stop in mid-prayer because in all honesty- I just transgressed horribly on someone moments before and they don't even know!  So why do I think I deserve to talk to Him after what I did?  I'm completely flawed.  My sins aren't "serious" offenses.  I'm not murdering people, robbing banks, or anything the like... But I claim to be a Christian and therefore I should be held at a higher standard and more accountable of my actions.  

What I did (as a Christian) by gossiping about someone (to a non-Christian)- what kind of message did I just give?  That this behavior is OK?  Because it's not.  That is not the kind of Christian I want to be, nor the kind of person I want to be. My sin may be "small" but it can infect people with horrible repercussions.

So I don't deserve to be able to pray to a God that loves me.  But then I got to thinking that God loves me just the way I am- flaws and all.  Flaws (sins) and all.... So I'm like how can He?

Then one of my children popped into my head and I remembered a particularly bad decision they made that really hurt me- crushed me, actually.  But I still love them.  I love them no matter what.  I love them even if they make more bad choices (and they will) and if they hurt me again (and they might). Or if they pull away from me, or were to confess they don't love me.  I would love them anyway, just the way they are.  I would listen to them if they wanted to come and talk- even if they made a bad choice minutes before our conversation.

So, there is that. 

I think the guilt today was brought to my attention so I can work on fixing the problem.  I'm sure no matter what I do God loves me and I can only strive to do better when I KNOW I'm doing wrong.  Will I make more mistakes?  Yeah, I'm sure I will and I'd like to think, "not on purpose."

Observing

I've been trying to "observe" myself this week.  Taking a look at your inner self and not lying to yourself is actually a really hard thing to do.  I tell myself all the time I'm a "good" person and I justify some of my actions by this thought.

But when it comes down to it, I'm not a good person.

I overlook my flaws and occasionally they're pointed out by someone- raw and bleeding in the open, exposed for the dirty little things they are.

So yeah.  At least I'm not a raving jerk (outwardly).  But.... I do still have a lot of growing up to do.  I guess that never really ends- does it?

ps- I don't think any amount of growing up will make me a better morning person.  It will just never happen.

Choosing Your Happiness

Yesterday I read a FB post from a friend basically about choosing your happiness.  Choosing to let things get to you or not.  Taking control because YOU have control of your happiness.

He's right.... but only to an extent.

Bad circumstances happen and natural negative emotions will over come you.

I guess that's what happened to me.  This person is young- and has not yet discovered the true trials of parenthood or adulthood.  Though not to diminish their own experiences- I'm glad he was able to overcome some of his trials.

Maybe I should take a lesson out of his book?

Enough.

So I read a blog today, http://www.somethingbeautifulinitstime.org/  It's obviously different than this.  It is actually kind of enlightening.   A personal walk on the journey of faith, figuring how to love like Jesus, surrendering yourself to God while still being very human and real.

I know I've been full of melancholy these last few months, but I'm being real.  

I have a lonely keening pain I carry deep inside.  I think I'm the problem.

I want a friend, but I'm too shy.  I'm too introverted.  I'm too awkward.  I regret opening up to people the instant I do.  I wish I could erase my conversations.  I say the wrong thing, it gets taken the wrong way, or I'm opening up to wrong people. I analyze everything.  I look for flaws and wonder if I come off in a different way than I mean.  It always feels wrong.

I want SO bad to call up the people I used to. 

Enough people like me, but no one likes me enough. 

They (I'm not sure who "they" are) say you marry your best friend, but I don't think that's true or else I wouldn't feel like something is so terribly empty in my life.  

Don't get me wrong- My husband IS a candle in my darkness.  He pulls me up when I'm about to slip under and he doesn't even know it. He knows I need affirmation and he pours it on heavy and sticky. Sometimes it annoys me because I want to wallow in self pity.  He knows I need love and patience and kindness and he overwhelms me with it.  For all the times I feel unworthy he tells me I am worth it.  For all the days I don't want to go into public to be seen he tells me how beautiful I am.  He has listened to me intensely as I complain and cry over all the incredible pain I'm in.  He can't fix the things out of my control, but he's there to just be there.  So- shout out, high five, or whatever grand gesture you think of goes to him.  I don't always think I deserve him, but he seems to think I do.  :)

tired

I'm sitting on the outside looking in.

I want to be the smiling person at the table, loving life, laughing.  Oh to laugh.  I don't even remember the last time I truly laughed.  You took a video of me once.  You commented on how giggly I am and how I'm always smiling.   But where is that smile now?

Maybe look under your shoe before you scrape it off.  Maybe you SHOULD bother to check to see what remnants of the forgotten joy you have soiled by stepping on it.

I'm just so tired of being the only one trying.  I'm tired of being the only one with any sense.  I'm so tired of caring.  In fact, I think I'm going to learn to shut that off.

downtrodden

You walk all over me each step crushing my spirit.  I'm barely alive, gasping for air, yet you still demand more from me.

You can't see past your own conceited selfishness, except to view the better way to manipulate me more.  

I love you and I want to despise you.  I am shattered to a thousand pieces and life has spewed me forth with reckless abandon.  You're so self centered you're completely oblivious.  You never look below your nose to even notice the damage you're doing.  I don't even know if you really care.  

Sometimes you say you do, but you never show you do.  At least not to me.  Maybe you don't like me??  

I'm sorry

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I can't be what you need me to be.
I'm sorry I can't read your mind.
I'm sorry life isn't fair.

I'm sorry you won't let me help you.
I'm sorry I don't know how to help you.
I'm sorry you shut me out instead of let me in.
I'm sorry your choices reflect poorly on me.
I'm sorry I let it get to me.

I'm sorry my mind is a jumbled mess and I can't focus on anything in particular.

I'm sorry that I have to take care of myself and my happiness instead of allowing you to take me down your dark paths.

I'm sorry, but I don't know if I can go with you.

sickos

Today as I come back from lunch a co-worker is wondering if she has food poison.  Apparently she got sick right after her lunch (and has been to the bathroom twice since I've returned).

I'm sitting here thinking- it's Feb.  Stomach flu is rampant (I know because everyone posts about it on fb [like I REALLY want to know how many times you've hugged John- the toilet- not your husband]).  I'm praying she doesn't infect us all.  I HATE the stomach flu.  It brings out the WORST anxiety in me.

Which brings me to the realization- I am quite often a very selfish prayer-er.  Of course I don't want her to be sick (or her to give to her kids)... BUT more importantly I don't want to be sick and I most definitely don't want to bring that to my kids.  Not only because I don't want them to be sick- but if I'm being completely honest I don't want to deal with them being sick (or the inevitable clean up).

Does that make me the most selfish person of all or what?

I know I have 2 whole readers (unless one of them is me when I sign onto this blog)....  I wonder what they (you) think?

Also- if you are sick WHY don't you go home?  WHY stay to infect us all?   I understand- you gots billz to pay and taking a day off is hard...  but what I don't get- why make everyone around you sick because you're a "trooper?"

... and with that said- why do these people never get sent home?