Thursday, August 12, 2010

Ima Grouchy Mama

I'll admit this. I think I've cried about every night since I fell. From physical pain, physical exhaustion, mental anguish, pregnant hormones- whatever. I don't know why I can't fight them. Sometimes I have to fight them all day just to wait until my release at night. Where its private and I can really let go.

I was just dozing off a minute ago. My ankle really hurts (I've not been taking pain pills as much as possible- so this is raw pain. Better than the first week, but I have new aches that come with various issues I'm dealing with). ANYWAY I was in that half dream state trying to fall asleep. My little boy was learning to walk and the house was strewn with everyone's toys and junk. I was nagging to pick up because I'm now paranoid about people tripping. I was going through my rant how I didn't trip on anything- just the sidewalk... Then my mind focused on my actual fall.

I'm not sure why but it's instant agony. I remember every detail clear as a bell. I remember my first stumble and how foolish I thought I looked and no doubts I would straighten up and vow to walk more careful. Then the bone pops and feeling it and seeing it... And I think the worst- making it move and it wouldn't... The pain that just has not gone away. That is when I fully awoke to my tears tonight.

I have to move the frankenankle now for my therapy. It's so achy and disappointing I can't make it do what I want. I just realized I'm lazily moving my right foot back and forth- not even thinking about it. I can't even get my left foot to move without concentrated effort. I can't even move my toes the way my mind is willing.

I sit in my misery on the couch every day. I'm tired, worn out, sore joints, aching muscles, frustrated. And I listen to the kids bicker over everything: bedroom doors, who's knocking, how much ketchup they have, gum, where they're sitting, nothing is beyond them. They aren't terrible, but it's enhanced in my mind, like an irritating mosquito in your ear. So I do the only thing I can do from the couch. I yell, nag, lecture... I feel horrible cuz that is all it feels like I do.

I'm disappointed because I was so anxious to see them and have them around. I pictured watching lots of movies and their willingness to be helpful and step up with household needs, too. I figured they would understand and try harder to behave (of course I'm not diluted enough to think they wouldn't fight at all). I just expected more. They're not terrible by any means, they are just kids, but no one will take the initiative. They are all older and perfectly capable of acting more grown up and responsible. Everyone wants to be treated older- here is perfect opportunity to show me you can get more priveleges! So I feel like the mean mom and wicked step mom with only negativity coming out. My faith in them stepping up and acting more grown up in my time of need was stupid. I should have known they would be more cause of stress than delight.

Maybe I am the mean grouch. I want to curl up and fall asleep and I can't get comfortable. I can't do effing anything on my own! (Well I can at least wipe my own butt. Lol)

Maybe tomorrow I will be stronger... And better spirited.

And yes- since lappie stopped working I have been doing these from my phone... No spell check- sorry. At least I think the heartburn is mostly gone now...

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