Wednesday, August 4, 2010


There have been times I may have felt depressed where this word had popped into my mind. Even through my divorce. I remember it there a lot then. Raw and open.

Of course I wasn't. All those times I drudged myself out of bed, slapped on my happy smile, and trucked through the day. I could work. I could cook for my children (very poorly, but I did). I could go outside, drive where I needed, look for lost items. There were lots of things I could do. Really I was not useless. But of course that word had another meaning at those depressed times.

I know I'm not now, but I certaintly can't go in the pantry and sneak a cookie or get my juice I haven't had for 3 days. I can't even go through my "me" routine washing my face, etc. I haven't fixed my hair since I fell (I may try tomorrow) or anything I do to make "me" feel good. I'm not independent at all. That makes me feel useless in a new way. Probably the proper meaning.

My children came back from their dads. My daughter asked if I could tuck her in tonight. I can't. Then she accidentally stubbed her toe on my foot. It hurt, but the reason I cried was not really from the pain.

It was for the same reason the kids were slamming their doors and I couldn't go snarl at them to behave. Same reason I wanted a popsicle and didn't ask. Same reason I continue to strain my muscles reaching for things out of reach (like my dove soap).

I'm glad it was me though. I think I'm tougher than the rest. I think this would hurt Kirby more- or the kids. They're all too active. I feel bad Kirby hasn't done much for "him"... I don't want him to miss his karate or games and stuff on my behalf. I have a lot to occupy my time. I'm perfectly fine alone and much better on crutches for bathroom breaks. I feel like I've temporarily turned everyones lives upside down. Won't hurt the kids to pitch in more... Lol

Tomorrow I get my stitches out and recast or whatever. Kinda excited and nervous. Hope it doesn't hurt too much. I also have OB appt. I'm anxious as this is my first since I fell... I wonder how they are going to weigh me? Or how I'm going to get that pee sample. Those cups they keep way high.

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