So I think "it's complicated" when I think of my friends. I had a super weekend. I saw so many friends and it was so nice... So what's the problem?
Well here's the problem: I don't really have a "best" friend. I think I have a lot of very good friends. Is that what happens when you get older? I still desire the elementary closeness that I had, the kindred spirits I have long lost.
I am so happy for my friends, but I'll admit. I get so jealous of them. I have a friend that is still such good friends with her friend from like Kindergarten or something. Okay okay- so I have that, too. Naomi is in Georgia. But it's different. I can't just hop on a plane and see her every time I get in one of these moods. Because we've been separated for so many years we aren't even the same. I love her, I really do, but it's true.
So here's the thing- I've never been asked to be in any one's wedding... I know it's petty (so I'm totally being narrow-minded right now) I've ALWAYS wanted to throw/host a bridal shower, baby shower, *anything* like that. And I fear I'll never get the chance because even though I have a lot of friends, and very good friends at that, I lack the right bond that just makes me close enough to be a part of that kindred group.
I thought about the girls that I would have asked if Kirby and I had a real wedding and most are married and I wasn't asked by any of them to be a part of their special day. I shouldn't feel this way. It's not their fault- it's not like I have made myself "there" for them when they needed someone.
Maybe I don't know how. Maybe it's because I'm in freaking Fort Wayne and all my really close friends (those that I consider close) are clumped together in the same city. Even though I would drive out that way any time I can't expect THEM to drive here all the time... Oh and I have work 45ish house a week and children that keep me from it. Can I think of more excuses to be a bad friend? I'm sure I can. Heaven forbid I place the blame on myself.
I was thinking why am I the way I am?
Well one of the groups I got to hang out with this weekend was some old friends from back like high school/McDonald's times and they were all freaking out because for some of them- it had been 10 years since they've seem me and others- we had only passed each other in the gas station before work 2 years ago (even though we're all on myspace). We had all our kids hanging out acting all crazy, grilling, and we played cards, it was FUN. I felt like I hadn't missed a beat in the last 10 years.
But the thing I did notice was that while I was here at this get together- they had had many more that I wasn't at. It kind of made me sad that I wasn't ever a part of them even though I was clearly a part of the group.
I thought why had I never gotten with my old crowd and why did I never hang out with them? Then it dawned on me. My previous life. That is the reason I am the way I am.
The ex never liked any of my friends. The few people that I did ever have over to our house got the vibe that he didn't like them and never wanted to come over. I wouldn't say he was possessive, but he was semi-possessive. I had a lot of "guy" friends before I met him and I had tried to maintain a friendship with at least one of my guy friends and it nearly caused me my marriage... (I am still friends with him, but we are not as good of friends for that reason). He hated most of my girlfriends and double dating or something like that was unheard of. The only "friends" we hung out with were his friends and eventually they became mutual friends.
It all boiled down to trust issues. Of course I was oblivious, but I remember more than once crying to him and telling him I wish I had someone I could call- just one person that would want to go to the store with me or just hang out for the fun of it. And I felt like such a loser confiding in him. I know he cared about me, but I don't know how much he cared about how I was feeling. (That relationship is another subject altogether and I'm not diving into that)
It wasn't until the last year and a half that I was married that we started to become more sociable. It was also that last year and a half I started to reach out to more peers, and that is when I found my kindred spirit. It was the spirit that broke mine.
All in all I'm glad HE broke my heart (and it took me a long time of healing before I could appreciate it), but sometimes I wonder why SHE broke it. Maybe that is why I don't really do what I need to do to get into the club where I can be the host of the baby showers and invited to the exclusive parties. Maybe that is why I am still reserved?
I'm jealous that I missed out on years and years of friendships and hanging out and when I was finally free to do so- I still don't make an effort... not really.
I think sometimes in general I hate people. I know I don't make sense at all. I love my friends and I want to be closer and do more, but I guess I don't know what it takes. Perhaps my spirit needs some healing yet?
Anyway that is my rant for the time being, I don't know if I helped me un-complicate anything... I'm waiting for the next invite and I love to have people over so I'm anxious to get my upstairs cleaned. One of my friends is throwing a surprise party for her husband. I have never had one and I am very excited to be a part of this!
Lesson: Don't turn down invitations because the only person losing out is you. That and pick up the phone once in a while.